Posted by b2chica on November 3, 2015, at 22:44:48
i've been on my typical roll of lack of sleep since beginning of october. last couple weeks i am at the stage of not needing the sleep. Now, not only do i not need sleep but am agitated in evenings. Tonight is really rough. i want to just gobble up some pills to knock the sh&* out of me. i'm agitated, but feel good!! but yet i have images and STRONG desires to rip the sh#@ out of myself, of blow my head off. sorry for the strong language but how i'm feeling. i don't feel in danger now as i'm older and have become stronger when i am at home (have kids).
the odd part is i'm completely cognizant of what is going on. i know this is part of my disorder. i KNOW alcohol doesn't help, but i REALLY needed a couple beers tonight!!
Now kids asleep, family inside. i'm outside on laptop. and trying to write, but all i can think of are very angry violent images of me harming myself.... severe harm...
back to the awareness. i know logically i will not act on these images... yet i can't seem to either stop them, or let them just pass. because when they come i say i KNOW i won't act, 'but i want to..." whispered silently in the back of my brain...besides gobbling up too much xanax and hydrocodone... any suggestions/????????????????????????????????
i HATE BEING FU&&*&NG 'Mixed States!!!
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btw... i've missed everyone.
its been a while, but have had so much happen... i'm still dealing with a little left over PTSD from my last job's departure. but better.-B2chica
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1083869
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20150929/msgs/1083869.html