Posted by bleauberry on February 24, 2014, at 15:10:46
In reply to remission dark depression, posted by rjlockhart37 on February 22, 2014, at 22:50:37
Can I tell you a story? I was exactly where you are, for a long long time. Not even ECT could help me. I always believed in God but that's about as far that went.
Considering suicide, I even had it planned out, walk to the beach, wade out in the ocean, aim for the horizon, swim out when it gets too deep, and either exhaustion or hypothermia would do it, no way to get back alive.But for some reason, I had to record a song first. I am a lifelong performing guitarist. I didn't know why to do this song, or how, or what. Turned on the recorder, started playing, not rehearsed, not planned, not composed, and the song ended up being so beautiful I knew it had not come from me. My fingers hit the right notes, but that is the only part I played in it. Suicide was no longer possible, because how this song lifted me, opened a door, and because I had to share it with live audiences.
Most of my life, night club guitarist. Then depression hit. Guitar went in the closet. All done. Stayed there all through the psychiatric years. After failed ECT, a church needed a guitarist and had heard of me. They asked if I could fill in on their team. I said ok. It was scary, but ok.
So imagine this. Big modern church, big fancy stage, high tech, lots of musicians all know each other, songs I've never heard, people I don't know, strange place, haven't played in years, oh my. And 300 people watching.
Well, weird things occurred to me. For example, why did I not have any rust after not playing all those years? Why actually, did I play better than I ever did!?!?!? And the whole while, I was in such depression it was hard sometimes to not just bust out crying right on stage.
But what was coming out of my fingers was magical. I went up for altar calls, especially the healing ones. People laid hands on me, prayed over me, some spoke in tongues. Sometimes I got goose bumps and felt better for a few hours but it never lasted. The healing moment was not happening.
I've heard of miracle healings and believe in them because they are in the Bible. But I've never seen them. I have never been able to personally verify a claim of one. Trick photography makes fake stuff really simple, and real looking.
I continued to play in church. I was getting a little better actually. Not a lot. But hope. Then two pastors said that what I did with my guitar had to go out to the streets like Jesus did, and not be confined to the 4 walls of a church. Not knowing how to do that, I said ok.
Since then, I play in my own band, other bands, and fill in for other worship teams, and do solo shows too. All of my songs and all of my messages between songs have Jesus all in them.
It has been a miracle healing after all. And more still needs to be done. But it happened gradually over several years. Most people have a special moment in time when they remember they were "saved". But for me, it was only when I looked back, I could see, I had been saved. It was gradual.
Faith in Jesus does work. It led me to the right doctors, led me away from the ones who were not healing, made "coincidences" happen, "good luck" happened, "lights bulbs in the mind" come with great ideas....stuff like that. That's all Jesus doing that stuff. All of it.
Faith in what you have not actually seen yourself. Jesus speaks highly of those who believe yet have not seen.
The Holy Spirit within us can work miracles on a minutely, hourly, daily basis. I believe it is a constant purposeful effort. Sort of like a bathtub with a slow leak in it, we can not just fill it once with water, and we cannot fill ourselves just once with the Holy Spirit, we have to do it all the time. And that is where hope, ideas, healing, circumstances, everything, happens.
We cannot sense with our bodies magnetism, x-rays, cell phone signals going right through us, or who knows what other cosmic stuff we don't even know about. The point is, we openly and eagerly believe in things we cannot actually sense ourselves.
It is the same with spiritual world. The angels, the Holy Spirit, the demons, Satan...our 5 senses don't register those. As magnetism can be proved with physical objects that our eyes can see what magnetism does to those objects, the Bible can be proved with dates, locations, accounts, multiple confirmations and verifications spanning centuries and thousands of miles when there was no mail system or transportation.
We can't see it, but it is there. Spiritual warfare is going on all around us, even in the room we are in right now.
I love Jesus. One needs the best guide possible to get through the maze of dangers and wrong turns in life, and He happens to be the only One that knows the perfect path for each one of us.
So somehow, I didn't purposefully do it, I became a born again Christian and now I use my music to further that.
Anyone else out there reading this, please know, God is seeking ALL of us. No matter how bad or good anyone is, doesn't matter, He loves each as you love your own baby. But it is a voluntary faith thing. What I mean by that is.....when that church asked me to play guitar....I could have said no. Yikes.
God was orchestrating every detail the whole time. And He wants to do the same for everyone here. He just needs to be asked and trusted.
Here is the song. I named it Moon Candles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBW7fVT0XjM
> well.....i have been fighting this gloom, for a long time now, i read about jesus christ, googled everything that there is associated with him and i ran across a healing video of someones leg litterly growing out to normal, and a lady who was blind, while they where saying the name of jesus, it was incredible, her pupils began to form, i mean i know this may sound like silly dilly stuff....but it is real, there is a jesus christ, or those eyes and leg would not have grown, and formed and they got this ON camera....
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> i thought of joy and happiness when i went to bed last night....feeling relived i've been healed, now the gloom dread feeling is back, feeling like i'm in the abyss, dark dark feeling, and don't be overly concerned, no, im just simply posting my thoughts....
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> the fact that when faith is broken, satan enters, maybe not satan himself, but his demons, and his force in the universe....and that's why sickness can come without any cause....and for a long time, i've really thought im in torment by a force....being intrested in black magick...wicked stuff....
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> this goes on and off, my mood changes significantly....and you know the best thing, just keep dwelling on jesus christ.....unseen, heard, miracles have happen....
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> so, as your readd this, this is my thoughts at the moment....don't want to misrepresnt myself, but it's bad.....and the only way out is to think of the light.....jesus
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> thank you for reading
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poster:bleauberry
thread:1061083
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140214/msgs/1061199.html