Posted by morgan miller on February 27, 2011, at 15:40:02
In reply to Re: Ferber » morgan miller, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2011, at 3:02:43
>It's not all that important to me to believe I didn't cause harm. Or that my mother didn't cause me harm. I feel responsible for those parenting errors I have made. I hold my mother responsible for her parenting errors too. I feel guilty for any emotional hurt I've caused my son. And I know I have caused him pain, no matter how hard I try not to - just as my mother caused me pain even though she didn't wish to. I hope I'm more self aware and thus cause less pain than my mother did. But I feel no guilt for postpartum depression. *Not* *one* *iota*.
I don't think you should feel guilty. You had no control over what happened. I should not have said what I said about guilt. I do think we are all influenced to see things a certain way sometimes, and this may leave us less open minded to seeing what may be closer to reality. I'm not saying this is you, I'm just saying. I still am influenced by biases or other emotional factors. When I realize this I try to check myself and take a good look at all evidence, theories, beliefs, etc.
It is not just depressed mothers or mothers suffering from mental illness that is my primary focus. It is all parents that carry things with them that get in the way of them being able to properly love themselves and in turn properly love their children, family, friends, and life time partner.
What is it exactly that you don't believe that I believe? That our childhood does not influence later development of mental illness? There are studies that show women who were more prone to depression were more likely to fall ill to postpartum depression. And, as you know, whether there is a genetic predisposition or not, I believe, and pretty much all in the field of psychology believe, environment and nurture during development does contribute to mental health issues, in childhood and adulthood. There's simply too much history and repeated patterns and research to back this up.
So, because parenting likely plays such a large large role in our development emotionally and possibly even chemically(there is research to back this up too), it would make sense that as a society it would be in our best interest to do whatever we can to improve upon our mental health as much as possible before we take on the responsibility of parenting. Now, if we were one of the lucky few that had a very sound upbringing, we would still have to try to do some growing and preparation, but it would not be a process which involves intensive therapy, individual and group.
I would be curious to know what your therapist believes about exactly what children need to develop into sound minded individuals that feel a good healthy amount of self worth and self love.
>I don't concede that depressed parents have an inability to express or offer the totality of the love they have for their child. And certainly you could argue that any parent who is less than perfect has an emotional issue that is depression. They may not do it in the way your therapist considers ideal. I can't offhand recall any parent of my acquaintance who might live up to such high standards.
Dinah, I don't think any situation, any person, any parent, any relationship with being totally perfect or ideal. I do think that we should be always strive for at least near ideality and near perfection. We strive for eating a near perfect diet for great health so we can live as full a life as possible. We stive for ideals in government so we can live as full a life as possible. We strive for the best way to workout in order to be as healthy and as strong as possible. Why would striving for ideals and near perfecting in parenting be any different. If anything, it is parenting that is at the very top of the priority pyramid. This is why I put so much emphasis on and am so passionate about these types of issues. This is the reason for me posting studies like the one in this thread. I believe that we can prevent so much suffering from developing into what it does through enhancing societies awareness of the impact of parents on their children. Too often we take the easy way out, as children, as parents, and as a society, by just saying, "It's a matter of genetics, this is how I, he/she, they were born". Yes, it is a matter of genetics in many cases, but those genetics are influenced heavily by environment. The same goes for many illnesses that develop earlier or later in life. A genetic predisposition is just that. I'm beginning to ramble, sorry.
>Again, I hope you find what you're looking for in therapy. And, for myself, I hope you can meet those standards you set for yourself, and that you aren't consumed with guilt should you happen to fall short.Thank you, sorry for bringing up a sensitive subject. I will find what I'm looking for in therapy because I want to and will do and have done a ton of hard work and put in a ton of time to get there. I won't ever be consumed by guilt, I don't operate that way. What I will do is be passionate enough and aware enough to feel the sense of urgency to provide myself and others around me with what is necessary. And if I make a few mistakes here and there, I will make sure I don't continue them and will move forward and try to grow. I will feel bad, but I will not dwell. Afterall, we are only human.
Morgan
poster:morgan miller
thread:979678
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110220/msgs/979871.html