Posted by Katia on May 8, 2003, at 3:28:25
It is just occuring to me that I might be bi-polar in some form? The idea has struck me in the past week. It never occured to me I might be bi-polar. But I have again begun to feel a real energized irritability- high energy- high. Like I'm a 120lb. female and I would really pity a 200lb man getting in my way inthis state or pitying a maskedman robbing me - huh! s/he would run crying! I was chalking it up to a zoloft w/drawal,but this feels familiar. I also imagined mania to be euphoria - and that's not what this is. What brought this to my attention was that I noticed my therapist asking those mania questions to me this week. And I kept calling her on it. She kept saying " i'm not saying that's what you're experiencing there are varying degrees and we just need to be aware of andkeep track of your mental state". I'm completely paraphrasing as she's so much more sophisticated and ethical sounding. Yes,I actually have been spending an enormous amt. of money. My justification is "I need it!" "I'm 32, I should havethis!".
anyway,I moved into a new place a month ago simultaneously going off Zoloft. and I'venever really experienced such energy - creative energy. whenever I can create, it makes it feel better. anyway, my room looks amazing. three different colors - "plunderedgold, honeysuckle white, and redclay" ..the redclay is a color wash...anyway all I have been doingis handyman projects; building bookcases, shelves, tables, etc from IKEA. gardening and doing everything I can to make my aesthetics feel good to me. and everyone else I live with hasno taste!
It has been arelief to engage myself in creativity that I feel as though it's been unfair that i've been ****ed up all my life- i could've channeled my creative energy in good ways, rather than self-destructive ones.
ok, i've got tons of creative energy and does anyone think that depression comes from suppressed/repressed creative energy?so there's that. another reason why i'm questioning that I may be manic is coming home from dinner tonight. I had only had two1/2 glasses of wine over the course of four hours,but i was driving like a maniac coming home onthefreeway. goinglike 90mph. and getting highly upset with people for getting inmy way! and wine or no wine, I'vebeen highly irritable like this for a couple of weeks. IRRATIONAL IRRITABLITIY! Even at dinner, I couldn't focus and jumped from one topic to the next. it seemed likefun at the time. but I felt like there was wild energy ruling over me and it was not coming from a centered genuine place. Even that feels familiar. now looking back b-4 numbing Zoloft and theother ADs; I think maybe I've had mixed states? I've always been known by boyfriends and family to have a fierceeeeeee temper. it's this irrational irritability and anger/rage which takes over- this strong willed stubborn wild unchanneled emotions....is that mania or hypo?
God! i feel so unfit for this world. I don't know how people do it! I can never get it together enough to have a career, a husband, a family. it's seems so flippin hopeless. maybe Ishould just accept that I'm one of the defective ones; and I should get used to it!!!!????
Ineedfeedback ..I haven't had a proper pdoc nor a proper diagnosis. I'm in the works with it - the only available competent pdoc can see me in two months for $US250 per hour thank you very much!
any feed-back would be appreciated!
katia
poster:Katia
thread:225051
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030505/msgs/225051.html