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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Enigma on May 20, 2010, at 9:23:07
I'm a treatment resistant bipolar II patient who's been suffering for almost 20 years with one side of the bipolar spectrum or another.
For the past 8? years, my hypo-manic side is nearly gone. It was there just long enough to destroy a lot of friendships and such because these people thought I was just plum "crazy". It's nice losing all your friends (NOT). Now I'm depressed, lost 3 jobs over it and haven't worked for 5-6 years or so and probably never will again. A high paying intellectually stimulating software engineering career down the tubes.Now, I'm on disability, with a wife I hate (we're separated), and 3 kids I love, still living in our dream house, but every month tapping our savings to live here.
I've never been in love with my wife, as a general rule, and married her because I couldn't find "the one", a "soulmate", or someone I was at least very attracted to. I thought I could handle it. Well, I did for 17 years of faithful marriage. Then, one day I have a spazzy manic attack and blew up at my wife for ruining my life. Even though I really didn't mean exactly what I said, and I apologized like crazy, but she still took it to heart and fell out of love for me, and we're separated now, but living in the same house for the kids.
I can't even afford to get a proper divorce and find my own apartment, so I'm stuck, in misery here. 1/2 of me wants to stay with my kids, the other 1/2 wants to get the hell away from her. She's become mean, uncaring, spiteful, and uncompassionate to my illness. She's always had a HORRIBLE bed-side manner, and never asks, while I'm stuck in bed all day unable to or unwilling to get up, "do you want a drink of water", "can I bring you some dinner", nothing. She basically ignores my illness which is NOT what I need. I've felt alone in this house for years. Then she bitches about what she has to put up with? Really now? What about the 12+ years we were together were you didn't have to work a day, and I earned all the money to be on on third house, our dream home. I don't hear her complaining about that!So
Currently, besides the relentless depression (and suicidal thoughts),
1)I have no woman that is in love with me
2)Im not in love with any woman (except Sarahs ghost, which doesnt count - long story)
3)Im starting to lose it, or lose sanity each day and afraid if Im out in public and things go awry, I wont be able to contain my dark side anymore Im losing that willpower and strength to contain him on a daily basis. He goes wild in my dreams and has done so for years, and I actually feel better when that happens because hes really a defense mechanism when I get hurt, and he hurts "them" back, when I dream. I will NOT describe this further.
4)I have a hard time going to bed each night. I just sit there staring into space thinking about life and how much bad it has been for me
5)I have no close friends I see on a regular basis (despite my best efforts)
6)I dont have a best friend and havent in more years than I care to remember
7)Most people Ive been there for have ended up hurting me whether they know it or not, throughout my entire life, and usually dumped me as a friend
8)At 41, I pretty much have no chance of finding an attractive girl who actually wants to take care of me and doesnt mind being the bread winner (that's to whatever #!^$@ that made up the rules on what women expect to get out of a relationship, and what men expect to get) Basically, most women are no different than... I won't say it.
9)Online dating is useless because I need to sell myself to a woman by what I say and do with them in person, and you cant do that online
10)I need the affection and to give affection back to a women I love and I dont have anything close to that, and can't see it happening at 41
11)At the moment, I believe Ive decided not to give my current wife a chance. She is NEVER going to fulfill my needs or make me happy. I'm never going to fall in love with her, ever. I want her out of my life, like I did when I first met her (long story)
12)I need 2-3 meds to sleep through the night, every single night.
13)Even with the drugs, when Im manic-y, I still cant get to sleep because my mind races uncontrollably.
14)Nardil, an MAOI, the only drug that works for me (out of about 30+ other drugs and cocktails I've tried) is starting to fail. While only the drug, only just recently did I have some excruciatingly painful, uncontrollable, crying spells where I did everything is my power not to kill myself. The pain was the worst thing I've felt in my life, and far worse that any physical pain I've ever had (and I've been hit my 3 cars, on foot or bike), and painful surgeries and so on. They couldn't touch the pain I felt during my last crying spell.
I was hyperventilating for an hour and couldn't stop, then the sadness and suicidal intent? came. I literally thought I was going to die, right there in bed.If it weren't for my kids, I'd be long gone. I haven't even told you about my mental and physical abuse by my parents. I even wrote a book about it.
I live for 3 little lives, and suffer in pain to do so. All I want is to wife a new wife and love to call my own, but despite trying the last 6 months, I've failed miserably. I don't know how to continue living anymore. Every few days I feel like I'm done, and want to be set free. If Nardil fails completely, I don't have many alternatives that I haven't already tried that have already pooped out. So, if the drug finally fails, then so do I.
Posted by manic666 on May 20, 2010, at 13:22:55
In reply to Trying to figure out how much time I have left..., posted by Enigma on May 20, 2010, at 9:23:07
you seem to have a lot of needs an wants//but you dont mention the giveing bit//that comes into a relationship//there are loads of mentally ill people with cool marriages, me for one///you married your wife but didnt love her//whats that all about,then after years you tell her to her face its all her fault //an you wonder why she dont run after you every need.//come on man wake up an take some of he blame//if your not happy you dont have to live at home ,you can still see the kids//i have done some sh*tty things in my life an hurt a lot of people ,not least my wife,,how she stayed i dont no//well i do she loves me, an my kids love me, an my grandkids love me an my frieds to//why because at the times im not ill i go out my way to be the best dad an husband on the planet//because i no that soon i will go off on one an they put up with it//it carnt be all your own way it dont work like that//your wife could take the kids an leave you an screw you for whatever but she is still there//if your unhappy get a place on your own an keep to your meds //you wont be ill all the time //the parent thing ???? a lot of us had sh*t parents me for one ,well my old man///you dont want your kids saying the same thing down the line.
Posted by Cass on May 22, 2010, at 20:02:23
In reply to Trying to figure out how much time I have left..., posted by Enigma on May 20, 2010, at 9:23:07
Enigma, Your post made me really sad, but I was glad to hear you love your children. I think you need to focus on what you have to give others and how to straighten out your life. I'm sure your self-esteem would grow leaps and bounds if you found a way to feel good about yourself that didn't center around being loved by a beautiful woman. It sounds like the last 17 years of your life have been pretty empty and hollow. Do you spend enough time with your children? Are there any social causes you feel strongly about? It sounds to me like you need meaning in life. How would you like to improve the world? Maybe just do small things. I think it would change your life. But, of course, the kids should come first.
Posted by manic666 on May 23, 2010, at 3:04:02
In reply to Re: Trying to figure out how much time I have left..., posted by manic666 on May 20, 2010, at 13:22:55
good call cass,i think he has been unhappy for years an lost all focus in life//just drifts along with a big black cloud following him///you have to change man that was bad you married a woman you didnt love// an gave nothing to the marriage //you didnt love her but you managed 3 kids//that dont happen on its own ,you must have felt at one time//she must feel as bad as you//im afraid your not going to find your dream woman cos she dont exsist//is all about makeing up ,fighting ,pain ,love ,fallouts,the hole nine yards//you dont sit holding hands an gazing in each other,s eyes for life//
Posted by Cass on May 27, 2010, at 22:10:51
In reply to Re: Trying to figure out how much time I have left..., posted by manic666 on May 23, 2010, at 3:04:02
Thanks, and yes, I agree with you point, too.
Posted by stargazer2 on June 5, 2010, at 19:19:55
In reply to Trying to figure out how much time I have left..., posted by Enigma on May 20, 2010, at 9:23:07
YOu are still very young and although you have reached rock bottom, that does not mean the end is near.
I have you beat with everything, meds, jobs, length of illness and I'm in a similar situation as you in that I have seen the end and often say what's next...
But you have children, so that has to be the reason for you to continue to try and get better.
I was depressed in my teens and said no way would I pass on my depression to another human being as I had already suffered enough in my life by the time I was 14 or 15 and it continued from that point, despite finishing college (you can be intelligent and insame) and getting married.
I too was on diability and just went back 2 years ago but I'm already out of a job again. I think there is just real bad stuff out in the working world and it is much safer to stay home and not work, even though the income from disability doesn't compare to what I'm sure you were making as what you said was a high income job. Mine was moderate income job, not high, but still significant.
Disability will never cover all of one's income and that is why people that make good money take out disability policies for themselves, esepcially when you are the primary bread winner and responsbility for providing for children and a spouse. That is another reason I did not have kids, I knew I could never be assured that my depression would not prevent me from working throughout my life and that has been the case for sure.
Hope you can get beyond the place you are at now, I'm trying my damndest to do this.
Don't focus on finding another woman at this point...no one wants to get into a asituation that is a liability. Focus on making yourself whole and perhaps, thinking about working again, as that will be the only way you can gain your self esteem back.
Remember, you are still young and could potentially turn this aroung, keep an open mind and don't assume once disabled, always disabled. That would be giving up and you could turn this around with the right treatment.
Star
This is the end of the thread.
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