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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Sarah T. on October 8, 2005, at 1:14:08
In reply to I really want to end my life, posted by jerrympls on October 7, 2005, at 9:37:11
Hello Jerry,
I don't like your ideas about wanting to end your life. Suicide is such a cop-out. What an un-imaginative, un-inspired way of dealing with the s**t that life has thrown your way!
Nearly all of us here on PB have felt the way you have been feeling lately. I have felt that way many times, but I know that once I'm gone, I'm going to be gone for a long, long time. Forever. Do you have any concept of what that means? Are your parents alive? Have you ever lost anyone to death? I've lost both my parents and many friends and relatives to death. They are not ever coming back, and that has caused unbearable pain to me and to others. Do you want to cause pain to others by leaving them? If so, you need to find better ways of coping with your feelings.
Some psychiatrists define depression as anger towards others that is turned inward on oneself, and they say that suicide is the ultimate act of anger turned on oneself. Perhaps you are really angry about something, but instead of expressing it in a more effective way (verbally or creatively, through art or music), you are turning your anger on yourself.
Ending your life would inflict horrific pain on those who love you. Do you want to do that? And what about your dog? Who would walk your dog if you weren't around? Who would feed him and pet him and love him? I believe that suicide is the most unimaginative, un-creative, foolish, cowardly and cruel method of dealing with one's problems.
Please read my post in the thread towards the top of the page (the thread that began with your discussion of where you sleep, etc.). I gave you some good suggestions. I wrote that post when I was very tired and feeling pretty awful myself, and you didn't even respond to my post.
Start tackling your circadian rhythm problems by forcing yourself to get up an hour earlier every few days. And talk to your doctor about your medication regimen. Perhaps your meds need an adjustment. I know you have delayed sleep phase syndrome. So do I. I know it's very difficult to change that pattern, but you can change it a bit. True, those of us who have this problem will probably never adjust well to a 9-5 type job, but you can fit in somewhere, even if it's second shift or something similar. You need to force yourself to get up a bit earlier. Do it gradually. You need to be around real live people a little bit each day and not just the people you see on TV or people you write to online.
Now that the days are getting shorter, it is even more imperative for you to be awake during most of the day. Don't give into the sleep schedule you discussed above. You need to get some sunlight. You need to buy a lightbox. You have to exercise, even if it's just walking your dog WHEN IT'S LIGHT OUT. We know you'll never be a "morning person" or a "lark," but you can't be a vampire either. Lately, you've been behaving like Dracula, sleeping all day, and emerging from hiding only after the sun goes down. Don't give into that. Coping with delayed sleep phase syndrome isn't easy, but the way you've been dealing with it lately is actually making it worse, and it's making you more depressed.
Please read some of the suggestions I wrote in that thread above, and please pay heed to the suggestions that others have given you.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by TexasChic on October 8, 2005, at 8:14:15
In reply to Re: I really want to end my life » TexasChic, posted by jerrympls on October 7, 2005, at 21:20:11
Sorry, I was mixing you up with rjlockhart98. I don't know why. Well, I was pretty drunk last night. That might explain it.
So what's your diagnosis?
Posted by jerrympls on October 8, 2005, at 10:02:23
In reply to Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo, posted by Sarah T. on October 8, 2005, at 1:14:08
> Hello Jerry,
>
> I don't like your ideas about wanting to end your life. Suicide is such a cop-out. What an un-imaginative, un-inspired way of dealing with the s**t that life has thrown your way!
>
> Nearly all of us here on PB have felt the way you have been feeling lately. I have felt that way many times, but I know that once I'm gone, I'm going to be gone for a long, long time. Forever. Do you have any concept of what that means? Are your parents alive? Have you ever lost anyone to death? I've lost both my parents and many friends and relatives to death. They are not ever coming back, and that has caused unbearable pain to me and to others. Do you want to cause pain to others by leaving them? If so, you need to find better ways of coping with your feelings.
>
> Some psychiatrists define depression as anger towards others that is turned inward on oneself, and they say that suicide is the ultimate act of anger turned on oneself. Perhaps you are really angry about something, but instead of expressing it in a more effective way (verbally or creatively, through art or music), you are turning your anger on yourself.
>
> Ending your life would inflict horrific pain on those who love you. Do you want to do that? And what about your dog? Who would walk your dog if you weren't around? Who would feed him and pet him and love him? I believe that suicide is the most unimaginative, un-creative, foolish, cowardly and cruel method of dealing with one's problems.
>
> Please read my post in the thread towards the top of the page (the thread that began with your discussion of where you sleep, etc.). I gave you some good suggestions. I wrote that post when I was very tired and feeling pretty awful myself, and you didn't even respond to my post.
>
> Start tackling your circadian rhythm problems by forcing yourself to get up an hour earlier every few days. And talk to your doctor about your medication regimen. Perhaps your meds need an adjustment. I know you have delayed sleep phase syndrome. So do I. I know it's very difficult to change that pattern, but you can change it a bit. True, those of us who have this problem will probably never adjust well to a 9-5 type job, but you can fit in somewhere, even if it's second shift or something similar. You need to force yourself to get up a bit earlier. Do it gradually. You need to be around real live people a little bit each day and not just the people you see on TV or people you write to online.
>
> Now that the days are getting shorter, it is even more imperative for you to be awake during most of the day. Don't give into the sleep schedule you discussed above. You need to get some sunlight. You need to buy a lightbox. You have to exercise, even if it's just walking your dog WHEN IT'S LIGHT OUT. We know you'll never be a "morning person" or a "lark," but you can't be a vampire either. Lately, you've been behaving like Dracula, sleeping all day, and emerging from hiding only after the sun goes down. Don't give into that. Coping with delayed sleep phase syndrome isn't easy, but the way you've been dealing with it lately is actually making it worse, and it's making you more depressed.
>
> Please read some of the suggestions I wrote in that thread above, and please pay heed to the suggestions that others have given you.
>
> I hope you feel better soon.
>
>
>
>Yeah, suicide is selfish, cruel and unimaginitive - it's the nature of the beast. So - by killing myself I'm hurting my friends and family - but what about that when I call my mother in need of support and she says "I don't want to hear about it." Or when I email friends and they don't write back - or return calls? Why should I live in unbearable pain for that? Of course I'm angry about stuff - I've been in therapy for at least a decade and have learned a lot about myself. But depression doesn't care - and when it strikes - and strikes really hard, it's damn near laughable to hold on for people who ignore me and ignore the unbearable PAIN THAT I AM IN.
Maybe if I had parents who would call just to see how I was holding up - or had friends who REALLY cared about my health I'd think twice about hurting myself and them - but right now that's not the situation and I can't make them be supportive.
I appreciate your suggestions and am so very sorry I didn't respond to your exact post - but the "tough love" stuff *really* does not work for me - and in fact it works against me - as my therapist could tell you.
In the past I've gotten "a talkin' to" compared to what you said above followed by months of being ignored. So is that next? Everyone gonna ignore me? Well, I'm used to it.
THanks
Jerry
Posted by gardenergirl on October 8, 2005, at 17:38:01
In reply to Re: Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo » Sarah T., posted by jerrympls on October 8, 2005, at 10:02:23
What does help, jerry?
Thinking of you...
gg
Posted by Sarah T. on October 8, 2005, at 21:07:17
In reply to Re: Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo » jerrympls, posted by gardenergirl on October 8, 2005, at 17:38:01
Hi Jerry and GG,
GG, that's a good question. . . What does help you, Jerry?
What about your music? Are you playing any music these days?
When you stay up late at night to watch TV, what do you like to watch? Comedy? Old movies?
What kind of dog do you have? Have you ever seen the movie "BEST IN SHOW" ?
Is there anything that pulls you out of your depression? Has there been a time in recent years when you were relatively happy?
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 9, 2005, at 0:46:07
In reply to Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo, posted by Sarah T. on October 8, 2005, at 1:14:08
hi sarah...
i think most pdoc difine depression as a ssri depletion in the brain..?
i am thinking jerry is expressing him(her)self in an effictive way..is writting not an art?
jerry needs to be heard and understood..not judged...not repremanded..and not passed the guilt basket...
people with coping skills..great joys..no hate..have mental illness too...
Posted by Sarah T. on October 9, 2005, at 2:35:59
In reply to Re: Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo » Sarah T., posted by justyourlaugh on October 9, 2005, at 0:46:07
Hello jyl.
No, most pdocs do NOT define depression as ssri depletion in the brain. SSRI is an acronym for a class of drugs known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Depression is NOT depletion of ssri's in the brain.
As for your other comments, they also appear to reflect confusion as well as misreading and misunderstanding of me and my posts.
Posted by justyourlaugh on October 9, 2005, at 10:19:59
In reply to Re: Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo » justyourlaugh, posted by Sarah T. on October 9, 2005, at 2:35:59
sorry the word i was looking for is serotonin..
not ssri..silly me..
yes, perhaps i missunderstood your post.
i hope jerry heard you loud and clear..
j
Posted by wildcard on October 9, 2005, at 12:37:24
In reply to Re: Hey, Jerrympls, yoo-hoo » Sarah T., posted by justyourlaugh on October 9, 2005, at 0:46:07
>i am thinking jerry is expressing him(her)self in an effictive way..is writting not an art?
I agree that it is both ways, as long as no one feels chastised.
>jerry needs to be heard and understood..not judged...not repremanded..and not passed the guilt basket...
Well said!
>jerry needs to be heard and understoodI feel that jerry was seeking help/support. The way your comments *could* have been taken may have led jerry to feel unsupported by the manner in which the situation was approached. He expressed how he felt very *adamantly*
>people with coping skills..great joys..no hate..have mental illness too...
Very true!
Posted by TexasChic on October 9, 2005, at 17:09:45
In reply to Re: I really want to end my life, posted by TexasChic on October 8, 2005, at 8:14:15
I feel really bad because I was drunk and mixed you up with someone else. Expecially on such a serious subject. I hope you don't think I was taking you lightly, because I wasn't. I know what it feels like to be in the depths of depression... only too well.
Posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2005, at 18:07:13
In reply to sarah...error, posted by justyourlaugh on October 9, 2005, at 10:19:59
Hi jyl, glad to see you posting again. And your mistake is made by many. I always pictured SSRI's the serotonin like little space ships landing in the synapse and staying longer than usual and then exiting the site. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by lynn970 on October 10, 2005, at 6:09:09
In reply to I really want to end my life, posted by jerrympls on October 7, 2005, at 9:37:11
I have been thinking about you and praying for you. Are you feeling better?
(((jerrympls)))
Posted by jerrympls on October 13, 2005, at 6:50:20
In reply to Re: How are you feeling? » jerrympls, posted by lynn970 on October 10, 2005, at 6:09:09
> I have been thinking about you and praying for you. Are you feeling better?
>
> (((jerrympls)))HI...slightly better. it's still v ery hard.
Posted by Sarah T. on October 13, 2005, at 13:24:09
In reply to Re: How are you feeling? » lynn970, posted by jerrympls on October 13, 2005, at 6:50:20
Hi Jerry,
It's good to see you. I was wondering what meds you're on (or not on)? If you're on meds, do you think they might be aggravating your depression? I do remember seeing your name on some threads about stimulants. Stimulants can be very helpful, but after a while, they, too, can cause depression, especially when they wear off. I know this post probably belongs over on the med board, but this is where I've seen you lately, so I'm posting here.Sarah
Posted by lynn970 on October 13, 2005, at 16:13:14
In reply to Re: How are you feeling? » lynn970, posted by jerrympls on October 13, 2005, at 6:50:20
I am so glad to hear from you. I was very concerned. I have been thinking about you.
((((jerrympls)))))
Posted by jerrympls on October 14, 2005, at 21:56:03
In reply to Re: How are you feeling? » jerrympls, posted by Sarah T. on October 13, 2005, at 13:24:09
> Hi Jerry,
> It's good to see you. I was wondering what meds you're on (or not on)? If you're on meds, do you think they might be aggravating your depression? I do remember seeing your name on some threads about stimulants. Stimulants can be very helpful, but after a while, they, too, can cause depression, especially when they wear off. I know this post probably belongs over on the med board, but this is where I've seen you lately, so I'm posting here.
>
> SarahHI Sarah-
Here's what I'm on:
Lexapro, Adderall, Ativan, hydrocodone (an opiate), Seroquel + Ambien for sleep.
My problem is not the meds so much as me not taking them always on schedule. Somedays I take them while other days I stay in bed and refuse to take them - even though I know they will help make me feel better.
Oh and the opiate - prescribed by my psychiatrist to help with the depression (long story, but interesting).
Jerry
Posted by jerrympls on October 14, 2005, at 21:57:23
In reply to Re: How are you feeling?, posted by lynn970 on October 13, 2005, at 16:13:14
> I am so glad to hear from you. I was very concerned. I have been thinking about you.
> ((((jerrympls)))))
Thanks. I'm feeling somewhat better. We'll see. Thank everyone for your support - I really appreciate it.
Jerry
Posted by Sarah T. on October 15, 2005, at 1:58:42
In reply to Re: How are you feeling? » Sarah T., posted by jerrympls on October 14, 2005, at 21:56:03
Hi Jerry,
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad to see you up and about.
I know what you mean about not taking meds on schedule or just not taking them. I've found that to be very difficult, especially when it comes to stimulants, although there is some benefit to taking "holidays" from stimulants.
In a day or so, I'd like to ask you about your experience with Lexapro. I'll probably have to ask you about it on the med board.
By the way, if you don't mind my asking, when you stay up late and watch TV, what do you like to watch? Do you like comedies? Drama? Science Fiction?
Sarah
Posted by alesta on October 19, 2005, at 19:06:15
In reply to I really want to end my life, posted by jerrympls on October 7, 2005, at 9:37:11
hi jerry,
i am finding your thread titles to be very 'triggery' and a shock to my system for some reason..could you please change the thread title from the first person "i want to.." to something else, perhaps simply a statement that the post will be about suicide or something? i'm glad you're posting your feelings..i just think a less jarring thread title might be a good idea, for everyone's mental safety. just a slight change in mindset and i might become suicidal myself..thanks much, jer.:)i hope you can find relief from your pain soon jerry..you can make it..try not to focus on suicide if at all possible..i'd say more but not in a good position to do so at this time..
take care,:)
amy
Posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 14:39:19
In reply to thread titles..to jer, posted by alesta on October 19, 2005, at 19:06:15
> hi jerry,
> i am finding your thread titles to be very 'triggery' and a shock to my system for some reason..could you please change the thread title from the first person "i want to.." to something else, perhaps simply a statement that the post will be about suicide or something? i'm glad you're posting your feelings..i just think a less jarring thread title might be a good idea, for everyone's mental safety. just a slight change in mindset and i might become suicidal myself..thanks much, jer.:)
>
> i hope you can find relief from your pain soon jerry..you can make it..try not to focus on suicide if at all possible..i'd say more but not in a good position to do so at this time..
>
> take care,:)
> amy
>HI -
Sure. I was unaware that the wording of topics can trigger certain moods. But I don't understand what the difference would be between a post topic that said:
"I really want to end my life"
vs.
"This is about my feelings of suicide
or
"TOPIC: Suicide?"
Please don't take any of this wrong - but if I am having a crisis with feelings of suicide and how should I post? If you know certain topics like suicide are triggers for you, then why read them (if you are reading them?).
I'm just trying to understand better.
Thanks
Jerry
Posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 14:45:06
In reply to Re: thread titles..to jer » alesta, posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 14:39:19
Hey Jerry! How are you doing? Better I hope. Oh, by putting a trigger, I would think you could put ***TRIGGER~Do not want to live*** or something similar. I see your point though about the word 'suicide', etc., being an automatic trigger but maybe it was something in the actual post itself?? Just a thought.
Now again, how are you???
Posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 14:54:01
In reply to Re: thread titles..to jer » jerrympls, posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 14:45:06
> Hey Jerry! How are you doing? Better I hope. Oh, by putting a trigger, I would think you could put ***TRIGGER~Do not want to live*** or something similar. I see your point though about the word 'suicide', etc., being an automatic trigger but maybe it was something in the actual post itself?? Just a thought.
> Now again, how are you???OH ok - thanks - that makes more sense.
I'm doing ok--but it's been hard. I have a job interview this week and I'm worried (if I get the job) that my depression will continue to get in the way. Sometimes I wish i could take a year off - but I don't have any savings and I don't know what money I'd live off of.
But I'd like to have time to do some things *I* want to do - not go to a 9to5 job every week just to pay bills. And it always seems like there's never enough time to do projects I really want to do when I'm holding down a fulltime job because I get hom and I'm pretty well spent for the day. Then I end up sleeping all weekend.
I dunno. I have been thinking about going back to school to become a PharmD.
Posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 15:24:50
In reply to Re: thread titles..to jer » wildcard, posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 14:54:01
I watched a movie the other night and the guy was down and discouraged because he had it in his mind that he couldn't get something so very important for his future done. Anyway, his dad came and spoke w/ him and said, "If you want something done bad enough, get off your *ss and do it". I thought to myself how many times I have said I want to do this or do that, but I never do and after reading a poem by a woman she wrote after she was diagnosed w/ cancer, it really hit me that we only get one chance at life. I've been letting mine slip away. I just thought I'd mention that for some reason?!
>Here's that poem if you want to read it. I got teary eyed so u may not want too.(((Jerry)))IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).>I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
>I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
>I would have talked less and listened more.
>I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
>I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
>I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
>I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
>I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
>I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
>I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
>I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
>Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.>When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
>There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
*But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute..look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.*
Posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 17:07:58
In reply to Go for it » jerrympls, posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 15:24:50
Thanks for the poem - very nice.
But, how can I do what i want in life and still support myself? To say - jsut get out there and do it is easier said than done - but I guess that's the point.
I just feel that my "prime" has passed. I'm mostly apathetic anyway and am just sitting around waiting to die. Sorry to sound morbid.
Posted by wildcard on October 23, 2005, at 17:12:18
In reply to Re: Go for it » wildcard, posted by jerrympls on October 23, 2005, at 17:07:58
I am also very apathetic and have been for 2 years so at 27 I sit inside too scared to face the world. That poem just made me realize that some people wld. do anything for another day and here I sit, wasting mine. Make sense? Have you tried for disability due to your illness?
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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