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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on June 13, 2003, at 13:48:36
Things like this: I'm sitting at my desk at work; (granted it's a sort of do-it-yourself appt. book and people write themselves in--but usually when no-one else is there). But I'm right there at the desk and people walk behind and right in front of me as if I didn't exist and start writing themselves in.
I'm sitting in a room having a discussion with someone, waiting for a class to start. Another woman is outside getting water. She sweeps in dramatically, and mid-sentence (mine) she walks up to the woman I'm talking to and takes her in her arms for a big hello hug. I know it's lovey dovey, but we were right in the middle of a conversation, and the hug was an extended, "I missed you so much and really want to show how much I'm hugging you", hug. They had already seen each other, but hug woman had completed her task and was now free to butt her way completely into the space of our conversation.
Another woman where I work obviously doesn't like me, and thinks she is far superior to me, although she is swimming in false humility. I'd rather she walk up to me and say, "You know you're really a dark, depressed loathsome person-- I'm much lighter and eat much better than you, and also teach yoga, you lowly crumb." But instead she greets me with this syrup dripping out of her ears, and I look like the little cringing crumb I am in response to it. Not only that, she has begun the incredibly annoying habit of HUMMING HUMMING HUMMING. Humming so loudly, it just controls the entire environment: I will walk into the room and take it over with my cheery humming, because anyone who wouldn't like that must surely be a bad person. I will hum over your darkness. Humming has never made me more homicidal.
I could go on, but I'll spare you. I'm left with this really uncomfortable rage. I feel like I'm just someone that can be stepped on, stepped over and hummed out. I know I need someone else I can talk to. I told my "counselor" (who also happens to be my employer) yesterday about the boundary invasion feeling and she just said people are oblivious and don't mean anything by it. She said just turn the appt. book around. I said, It pisses me off, though. She said, Oh, I'm sorry.
So of course I'm more enraged. I feel like everywhere I go people are pulling little power trips all disguised in politeness. Last week a guy was leaving the place I work after having been there 8 years. We had a cake for him. I asked my boss on the way in if we had to sing (it was just 3 of us), because we usually have to punctuate everything with some ridiculous song. She said no, there was nothing to sing. So we walk in the room and yogini woman looks at my boss and says, "Shall we do one round of He's a Jolly Good Fellow?" And they break maniacally into song, and I'm just sitting there, so conspicuously horribly, not singing anything, painfully smiling on the couch. We have five minutes of hysterical partying (replete with vegan cake) and then go back to our solo places at work. We have to celebrate everything there with these ridiculous songs and cakes-- and the guy that was leaving was so strange and uncomfortable to be around. But no matter--let's all SING!! And now let's all RUSH BACK to work. It's really weird.
Oh. I don't know what I'm asking for again. I just needed a place where I could be real for a minute. Thank you.
Posted by kara lynne on June 13, 2003, at 14:07:14
In reply to Rage and homicidal humming., posted by kara lynne on June 13, 2003, at 13:48:36
And what am I supposed to say-- stop HUMMING? Stop SINGING? Stop HUGGING? What am I, some sort of misanthropic beast?
Posted by shar on June 13, 2003, at 14:44:05
In reply to Rage and homicidal humming., posted by kara lynne on June 13, 2003, at 13:48:36
You are extremely perceptive, with an eye clearly focused on reality and an aversion to false expression that most people don't even catch.
I think many of us here, for whatever reason, are also perceptive to the nuances of behavior (which seem like huge sweeping gestures to us and leave us with our jaws on the ground) that others don't seem to pick up on. I know for me, it was a survival technique developed when I was quite young. Most people can't stand it that I notice behavior and 'diversions' from normal behavior for that person.
>She said just turn the appt. book around.
Or, I think, put it under your desk. With your feet on top.
What you feel is not unusual sounding to me, tho more intense, perhaps, than I feel it at times.
I regret it causes you discomfort, and I understand how it could. The only real solution is to recognize that they are all nutz.
By and large, yoginis chap my buns.
:))
Shar
Posted by kara lynne on June 14, 2003, at 19:00:23
In reply to Re: Rage and homicidal humming. » kara lynne, posted by shar on June 13, 2003, at 14:44:05
Thanks shar. I think I'm just overwhelmed, as well as alienated. Today while I was getting my hair cut I started sweating and feeling like I was going to faint and that everything was closing in on me. I couldn't get a breath and felt pressure in my chest. I *wasn't* actually feeling panic, so it was even scarier (that sounds weird), but I thought it had to be physical--like a heart attack. In the past I've been aware enough of the panic to know that's what it was, this time it really felt purely physical.
Hours later and I still feel strange, and tight in the chest. I know I'm overwhelmed. In the middle of everything my boyfriend wants to go look a at house tomorrow --if I don't move in with him that means I have to find another place, and soon. That and this test coming up, and a doctor appt. I'm nervous about.
And then...I might be writing this to no-one. Well if that's so, I promise to answer myself.
Posted by Miller on June 14, 2003, at 20:08:16
In reply to Panic attacks, posted by kara lynne on June 14, 2003, at 19:00:23
Kara Lynne,
I know exactly how you feel about the rage that feels so intense you could explode. Every one of my coworkers now has a paper voo-doo doll that I have created. (And, of course made tons of copies!!) WHen they push me too far--out comes the voo-doo doll. The "have to be healthy, beautiful, and ever cheerful" lady get warts and fat on her doll. The attorneys get to be dumb, very frumpy, dorky dolls. It totally relieves my rage a bit and enhances my creativity!! :) Feel free to create some of your own. It's the little things that make us feel better.
-Miller
Posted by kara lynne on June 14, 2003, at 23:42:02
In reply to Rage and release, posted by Miller on June 14, 2003, at 20:08:16
Oh Miller! I can't believe you said that. First of all because the thought actually went through my mind today that someone was doing voodoo on me because I felt so bad!! There was one quite creepy woman at school that has been trying to contact me and I haven't called her back. Today I wondered, could she possibly...?
But second because I really am struggling with how to release rage, how to express anger, if it's ever really ok and in what form. I'm not doing a very good job of it. But I love your idea (more benign than I worried this woman was doing to me), and I can't wait to make my perfect yogini voo-doo doll emit embarassing noises in in front of her students.
Miller, I'm so sorry for all you're going through right now. Thanks for taking the time to write.
This is the end of the thread.
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