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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tijgertje on June 7, 2003, at 8:27:58
Well first time posting here, after an extensive search on the internet for websites to go to in my own country.
Before I begin I must add that my native language is not English, so forgive me if I have a spelling or grammar error here and there.
Like the title of this post says a committment problem, what is the situation.
My girlfriend and myself have lived together for almost 10 years. We are about 30 years old now and have broken up once already and a week ago for the second time.
When we met 10 years ago we were both young, liked eachother , started living together with no money and crappy jobs. The cliche like usual beginning I guess. We both got other jobs and I was working very hard to make some material gains..for which I thought the both of us back then. I worked as much as I could - a very demanding salesjob- and was often working in the weekends too.And then there was a day when we had nothing to say to eachother anymore. We were never that intimate in talking or cuddling , the sex was more then great but not the intimacy surrounding that ( this is wisdom afterwards like we say here, back then I did not see that. So the lack of intimate moments went by me untill it was too late. I had met someone else and decided to tell her that before anything happened between the new girl and myself. She businesslike told me she had slept around 3 times already and that she was not wearing her ring for weeks. Again something that I did not notice.
So we broke up, I started a life with the person I met. The fact was however that my ex g/f never left my mind completly. Both she and myself are very sexual driven and my new g/f saw sex more as a thing that floats with the rest so to say.
I started to meet my ex g/f again at my new place and soon I broke up with the new g/f and we started dating again. Not long afterwards I moved back into her neighbourhood and we saw eachother a couple of times a week. In the beginning just for good dates and splendid sex afterwards but I became more and more committed to her again.
Before we split the first time she was the one committed to things like a house, kids and a future but I could not take the step towards that point. Not enough money was my main argument..which was in the beginning true. later on I made plenty to support both her and in the future a child. Truth is I somehow never trusted her completely. I think relationships that evolve into marriage have to be founded on strict trust.
So I missed out on her try to get long term committment.
But like I said, when we got back together again I really grew into it and I wanted that commitment and that intimacy. The casual sex became far less important to me. The second try lasted 8 months. Last friday she told me she had met another guy, 10 years older then her and she felt a spark inside her for him.
The ground fell away beneath my feet when I heared that. I tried so hard to be the responsible long term guy and now she left me for a ..well a spark.
A week has passed now and a few things have happened. I have a friend , also and American that had a relational counseling practice before retiring. I told him the story with all the itty gritty and he told me that was the " dance away lover" problem. Frankly meaning that she and myself will be never on the same page committment wise. We seem to have this problem both.
I talked to my ex..the first times it went very bad. My first reaction that saturday was to try to win her back..pushing her into some quality time away from the mess of things, stuff like that. After talking to others and thinking I left that idea quickly.
Yesterday I had to pick up my stuff with her, first time seeing her after the break up. It was hard, giving back the key and seeing all my stuff in boxes. But she told me she had also missed the fun outside the relationship..partying and stuff like that. Meeting other people. She sounded like a 30 year old adolescent.
So I guess the 40 year old guy in the middle of a divorce with 2 kids was not the only reason for leaving me but more of a trigger or a fuse.
Well it is now saturday, I am single and I hate it. I would really like to try to get her back in any way possible. My relationship councelling friend has made the assumption she will return some day, or try to return and asked me wheter I was able to handle that.
Well I really would like to patch things up...again.. but there are so many problems underneath this all both with her and myself that I dont know how to proceed now.
I am not really waiting on the "go find someone else" thing. I am here to understand her and my actions and I really hope I will get some good responses.
Thanks for your attention.
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 23:14:16
In reply to A committment problem .., posted by Tijgertje on June 7, 2003, at 8:27:58
Very interesting post and sorry to hear about it.
Just a few thoughts as Im up past my bedtime here. . . 8-P Uh, you were both very young when you met and people in that time can tend to grow differently in different ways. You may not be the same people you were anymore. You can part company or at some point you two can discover each other as new people all over again after going though something like this. It happens.However given not being able to be with her now, give yourself a chance for new experiences and new people. There are probably many women you would like who have high sex drives as well. Make the process of meeting women to try and find a compatible one something fun and a way to find new friends not just a partner and it wont be so bad or seem that way. Sex isnt everything in a relationship but it is very important and its very important to the people for whom sex is very important to! So if you find someone you like but who is not as energetic as you would like, see if you can live with quality over quantity. Worse things can happen! :)
JohnD
Posted by Miller on June 7, 2003, at 23:37:46
In reply to A committment problem .., posted by Tijgertje on June 7, 2003, at 8:27:58
I am so sorry to hear about your break-up. Breaking up is hard, no matter who makes the decision. I think you need to refrain from trying to "win" her back for now. It is my opinion that you should be mourning the loss of such a long and emotional relationship. As hard as it is, it may help you to heal faster. WHether or not the two of you will get together is an answer only the future can bring. Concentrate on you and your feelings right now.
:)-Miller
Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:31:35
In reply to Re: A committment problem .. » Tijgertje, posted by Miller on June 7, 2003, at 23:37:46
Yes, you both were young. I think that you were in a very committed relationship in one sense for all those years, but had never developed a shared vision of what your future might be together. And those years were when young people usually explore relationships by dating different people to get a sense of who they are in relationships and what they might be looking for in the long run. The two of you missed out on that developmental stage. Which can be ok, in the case of people who share a vision of their committed life together,and are able to grow together. But in this case, you and she hadn't really shared that vision.
I suspect that it is possible that the spark she feels is based somewhat on the idea that with a divorcing man with 2 children, she is more likely to have a relationship that involves family life which is something you said she is looking for, and that you are not feeling ready to committ to.
I don't know if you and she will ever reconcile. As Miller says, only the future can answer that. But I do think that it might be good for you to explore who you are (apart from your identity as a successful professional). Years ago, I read the book "Passages" and I remember that in describing the developmental tasks of the twenties and thirties, the author said that many of us work on establishing "who" we are in our twenties, and then in late 20s to early 30's we start to move on to the next question--something along the lines of 'ok, I feel good about my professional identity and who I am, and now that this is established, I want to figure out what kind of life I am establishing for myself--relationships, family, lifestyle, etc.).' Perhaps your girlfriend has entered that stage, but you have not? Perhaps it would help to do some exploring for yourself of what kind of life you want for yourself. If you aren't ready to figure that out yet, that is ok. In which case maybe you should date experimentally to make up for the years when you were in the relationship and not exploring that part of yourself. But I think you might need to recognize that your girlfriend is in a different stage than you are (if this hypothesis is correct).
It is so hard when relationships end. Give yourself time to grieve, and take good care of yourself.
Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 11:33:56
In reply to Re: A committment problem .., posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:31:35
I forgot to check the book link before, and now I see that it is the wrong one.
The correct one is "Passages: Predicatable Crises of Adult Life"
by Gail SheehyHopefully, it works this time.
This is the end of the thread.
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