Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:31:35
In reply to Re: A committment problem .. » Tijgertje, posted by Miller on June 7, 2003, at 23:37:46
Yes, you both were young. I think that you were in a very committed relationship in one sense for all those years, but had never developed a shared vision of what your future might be together. And those years were when young people usually explore relationships by dating different people to get a sense of who they are in relationships and what they might be looking for in the long run. The two of you missed out on that developmental stage. Which can be ok, in the case of people who share a vision of their committed life together,and are able to grow together. But in this case, you and she hadn't really shared that vision.
I suspect that it is possible that the spark she feels is based somewhat on the idea that with a divorcing man with 2 children, she is more likely to have a relationship that involves family life which is something you said she is looking for, and that you are not feeling ready to committ to.
I don't know if you and she will ever reconcile. As Miller says, only the future can answer that. But I do think that it might be good for you to explore who you are (apart from your identity as a successful professional). Years ago, I read the book "Passages" and I remember that in describing the developmental tasks of the twenties and thirties, the author said that many of us work on establishing "who" we are in our twenties, and then in late 20s to early 30's we start to move on to the next question--something along the lines of 'ok, I feel good about my professional identity and who I am, and now that this is established, I want to figure out what kind of life I am establishing for myself--relationships, family, lifestyle, etc.).' Perhaps your girlfriend has entered that stage, but you have not? Perhaps it would help to do some exploring for yourself of what kind of life you want for yourself. If you aren't ready to figure that out yet, that is ok. In which case maybe you should date experimentally to make up for the years when you were in the relationship and not exploring that part of yourself. But I think you might need to recognize that your girlfriend is in a different stage than you are (if this hypothesis is correct).
It is so hard when relationships end. Give yourself time to grieve, and take good care of yourself.
poster:noa
thread:232130
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/232361.html