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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
Today I was in a gift shop and noticed the two girls working there eyeing me like I was going to steal something. I don't steal. But the longer I stayed the more I began to feel guilty and uncomfortable and watched. After purchasing a couple of things (in large part to show that I don't steal--smart, huh?) I started on my way walking back. I was out for a walk and my car was a couple of miles away.
Eventually I walked down a street where a small white puppy came running up enthusiastically to greet me. I bent down to pet it and its owner came storming over muttering how she "hated that dog". I said, "Don't hate your dog." She then leaned down and began yelling at dog at the top of her lungs to get back in the house. I said, "Don't yell at your dog." She told me it was none of my business to tell her that. I said if it was in my path it was in my business, and that it was a public street. Her daughter came out and said (I think--I was walking away) not to talk to her mom like that. I then said, "I will tell anyone I want not to scream at their dog, and if I have to I'll call the ***n humane society." They screamed after me and I continued walking back to my car, shaking, and feeling like a deranged homeless person.
I feel like I'm on the verge of edgy behavior. I wanted to confront the people at the store, and say something provocative because they were being so ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to the dog-woman, but I feel I almost could have swung at her if we had kept it up. Looking back (I walk the same route a lot) I remember hearing a lot of very voluble arguing coming from that house and now I can see why.Tonight my boyfriend (strange, foreign, inappropriate usage of that word) is out with over the top beautiful people. People who are not only out of my league, but in a league I'm not sure I'd ever want to be in. Yet I feel myself going into a huge distortion, fantasizing about all the brilliance and beauty and sexual vibes going on between them all. No longer does it matter that he gives me nothing, that the relationship is dying, my entire reality is funneled into this threatening little scenario that I've blown into a full scale orgy at this point. Replete with lesbian chic actresses and genius artists whose work I should always have more to say about but can't ever seem to.
My boyfriend says I dont' care enough about his work. I guess I should have been by his side this weekend, and holding his hand at these dinners to stave off the exotic models. But if he's gone back on his word to me about almost everything that was supposed to happen in this relationship, if he doesn't do anything to make it better between us despite my efforts, I find it hard to.
And yet there's that niggling voice telling me if only I were just that perfect enough woman... Even if I can't be some vampy, 5'9" tall, larger than life woman out of a Roger Rabbit cartoon, if I were just perfect enough in other ways then it would all work out.
So I think I'm becoming mildly psychotic. I feel like I have no anchor. No therapist, no boyfriend, no pdoc, and not much tolerance left for dog hating women I see on my walks.
My sense of self is so fragile that it just evaporates into an expectation, or a fear. (This is so attractive to men.)
How do I make myself more important? What am I missing? How could I go to dinner when I couldn't get through an office job today without crying in the bathroom?
Apologetic and desperate,
KaraLet's see, he's not home yet, it's 10:53...
Posted by zenhussy on June 3, 2003, at 1:13:54
In reply to Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
Kara Lynne,
I must get to bed but saw this before I signed off and wanted to offer up this: ((KL))
I am sorry you are feeling without an anchor. Is there any reason why you do not have doctor or therapist at this time?
If the relationship is ending (which some do dagnabbit) then I am praying that you have some people in your circle to help you get through the subsequent difficult times.
Reach out like you are and folks will respond.
Screw the nuts that were mean to the dog. You don't need to pass judgement on yourself for being a good person and doing what you thought was right (sticking up for a defenseless animal).
I really am tired and cannot put words together well but wanted to say I hear you and am sorry this is where you are at.
Take care and thank you again for putting all of that out here. You are a brave woman.
zenhussy
Posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 3:26:37
In reply to Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
Now I'm torturing myself, looking up things about this Italian actress on google while she hangs out at my boyfriend's office at 1:15 in the morning. She has ravishing screen presence, if anyone's interested, and her talent is only surpassed by her stunning beauty. Well now I can surely get to sleep.
They didn't sound like they were having an orgy when I called, but how much can people talk about for 5 hours? Could someone please come pry me away from the computer so I can't bring up pictures of this (oh, also very intelligent and dark, sultry) woman anymore?
At what point did I cease to exist here?
Posted by noa on June 3, 2003, at 20:40:49
In reply to Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
Kara,
You do not sound psychotic at all!
The lifestyle and social world of your "boyfriend" sounds utterly unappealing to me, too! It sounds shallow and plastic. Ugh.
I would also be annoyed at being eyed by the clerks, and I can just imagine that kind of scenario where I am already on edge and then something sets me off, like the bitter dog lady.
Yes, you sound stressed and on edge, but nothing close to psychotic.
Today, I also was feeling like I was not holding it together well enough--kind of acting out with my own bitchiness at work. Feeling like I am "losing it" in the sense of one more stupid annoying thing could trigger me to do something impulsive like just walk out and quit my job on the spot. Out of proportion to the moment, you know. But I feel like my resources are stretched, I have very little patience left for the changes, the stresses, the stupid control freak power strugges that my boss seems to try to set up all the time and which are so good at pushing my (at the moment hair-trigger) buttons.
But we aren't psychotic, m'dear. We're just feeling "on the verge" as they say. Sometimes it helps to think of the scenes in the movie "Network" where they lean out the window and scream at the top of their lungs, "I"M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!".
Anyway, I have at times in my life acted all bitchy to total strangers as a displacement of my anger. I feel bad for them after the fact. I'm not sure that I feel bad for your dog-hating dog owner, though, LOL. Once I was in a women's clothing store, perusing the racks. It was one of those discount stores with long racks, close together, also the racks are rather tall, so the aisles feel "close". Anyway, there was a couple there, man and woman, and a 5-ish little girl who was whining and whining. It seemed perfectly obvious to me that since there were two adults there, one of them should have taken the kid outside to wait, since everyone knows how awfully boring and tortuous it can be to accompany your mom as she slowly looks at hundreds of dresses and suits, etc. But it wasn't obvious to them, unfortunately. To make it worse, they were actually GOADING her to whine more!! Yep. She was whiny, so they said that if she didn't "behave" they wouldn't take her to or give her a birthday party. This made her really upset and she'd start to cry and whine more. They kept feeding her unhappiness by goading her with this idea of no birthday party. Even when she quieted down for a bit, they actually brought it up again!! At that point, I just couldn't bear it anymore and I said something to them. I don't remember exactly what I said but it had something to do with not setting her up, and it was too much to expect her to go through all the racks and why doesn't he take her out and give her a break, and can't they see they're making it worse by teasing her, etc. They were pissed at me and told me to mind my own business. I told them that I usually am very good at minding my own business but it was no longer their own private business because they were carrying on this stuff in a very public way and practically on top of me and it is very hard to shop with this going on and I don't blame the little girl I think she is just tired, what can you expect, etc. etc.
I don't regret that little eruption of mine. It pisses me off again just thinking about how they acted. Not only was I infringed up with this annoying family scene, but I also guess that I identified with the little girl and the way they kept setting her up and seemed to enjoy teasing her. What they were saying was not helping as a behavior strategy--it was just provoking her more. That infuriated me and their assumption that they can foist their bad parenting behavior on other people in the store---AARRGGGHHH.
Posted by kara lynne on June 4, 2003, at 1:48:30
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic » kara lynne, posted by noa on June 3, 2003, at 20:40:49
Hi noa,
Thank you for posting. I was feeling embarassed for being alive yesterday.Reading your story I was really glad to hear you said something to the parents of that little girl and I'm glad you don't regret it. I know it's a fine line sometimes when to enter and when to leave things alone, and when you're on that verge...
But as it turns out that's actually the thing I regret least about yesterday!
Thank you for understanding, and understanding about those store clerks. I wanted to just lunge or do something psycho just because of the way they were watching me. For a moment I think I felt the prejudice a seriously mentally ill person might.
Well I had quite an emotional hangover today, couldn't make it to work and stayed in bed most of the day. My highpoint was watching one of the first Bewitched episodes. Boy does that bring me back to a time when I thought it would all turn out differently.
Well I've been upright seven minutes now, far too long. But I love to read your posts and I thank you once again.
Posted by kara lynne on June 4, 2003, at 1:57:01
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic » kara lynne, posted by zenhussy on June 3, 2003, at 1:13:54
Thank you so much for your support these last couple of days. I'll try to answer more clearly when I have more energy, I'm really out of it today.
Unfortunately everything including my (limited) circle of support is in upheaval, so it's a particular trying time. A time when a cyberhug can go a long way!
Did you used to post under another name? Well thank you under any name. ((ZH))
Posted by zenhussy on June 6, 2003, at 17:57:14
In reply to Thank you zenhussy, posted by kara lynne on June 4, 2003, at 1:57:01
> Thank you so much for your support these last couple of days. I'll try to answer more clearly when I have more energy, I'm really out of it today.
>
> Unfortunately everything including my (limited) circle of support is in upheaval, so it's a particular trying time. A time when a cyberhug can go a long way!
>
> Did you used to post under another name? Well thank you under any name. ((ZH))Kara Lynne,
I hope you are feeling a touch more grounded now than you were then. Are ya?
I'm a bit unstable due to some wild family stuff going on but I'm cool with it all in all. Will survive nothing too major.
Take care. I'm just me the zenhusstress, hussmeister, hussorama, huszina, etc.
zenhussy original girl
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 1:14:02
In reply to Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
> Tonight my boyfriend (strange, foreign, inappropriate usage of that word) is out with over the top beautiful people. People who are not only out of my league, but in a league I'm not sure I'd ever want to be in. Yet I feel myself going into a huge distortion, fantasizing about all the brilliance and beauty and sexual vibes going on between them all. No longer does it matter that he gives me nothing, that the relationship is dying, my entire reality is funneled into this threatening little scenario that I've blown into a full scale orgy at this point. Replete with lesbian chic actresses and genius artists whose work I should always have more to say about but can't ever seem to.
>Oh my god your description of your state of mind and events is completely brilliant!
I got completely where you are coming from.
I've had this happen to me too!!!
What is sociopathic anyway? What you
talk about doesnt sound like it.
Its more like being angry, being in state of mind
more prone to agonizing and being bothered by
idiots and not having enough space. I've had
times where I almost went insane over something
but somehow managed not to. Except in a few cases
where I did explode but nothing too bad came out
of it.Please seek out whatever you need to get better, a doctor, friends, therapist, group therapy something!
Stop the suffering. Let the bad man go!
Help yourself so you can be with more nurturing and caring people!> And yet there's that niggling voice telling me if only I were just that perfect enough woman... Even if I can't be some vampy, 5'9" tall, larger than life woman out of a Roger Rabbit cartoon, if I were just perfect enough in other ways then it would all work out.
>
> So I think I'm becoming mildly psychotic.
> How do I make myself more important? What am I missing? How could I go to dinner when I couldn't get through an office job today without crying in the bathroom?
>Our society does this to people. It makes people
think that they are not good enough as they are.
That they need more of this or that or they should
be a certain way to be happy and its all nuts!
Its crazy! People werent meant to live
like this! They were meant to farm land and
hunt for food and live in an agrarian society.
Not a mechanized cold world where our brains are
bombarded with technoblitz after blitz. Gotta
just shut it off! Tune it out! Like yourself as you are, you are good enough as you are.!JohnD
Posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 15:22:47
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic, posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 1:14:02
Hi John D.
How nice to hear from you! Who are you? Where have you been?I felt especially embarassed after writing about that obsessive little moment in time, so I'm especially grateful to get an understanding response to it.
I was *sort of* hyperbolizing about being sociopathic, but the word did enter my mind... I just looked it up and it said "pertaining to someone who is antisocial and lacks a sense conscience". Well I'm certainly antisocial, but the lack of conscience doesn't fit.
I guess I was just in that edgy place where I felt I could lose it if pushed another inch. The difference of course, imagining or actually acting on those impulses. I was walking around muttering to myself that day, and for a moment after I screamed back at the dog screaming woman I felt like a crazy bag lady. I saw myself first in the reflection of the store clerks as some furtive criminal, then as some animal rights extremist (not that there's a problem with that) and then later through my distorted obsessive-compulsive thought patterns.
I have always said I have a secret case of Turret's syndrome. I don't actually scream out the obscenities, but I think them. I think of wildly inappropriate scenarios or "what if's...", but I don't share them. Some of them are typically OC, I think, like getting an impulse to toss my keys over a bridge into an embankment of water just because I
*could*. I don't always think it's a bad thing; often it's just thinking outside (way outside) the box. I don't mean to insult anyone with Turret's, it's just that I really identify with it on some level. But now I really digress.Thank you for allowing me my digression. I am gearing up (thanks in part to this board and kalyb) to look for a therapist, even though I feel so stubbornly negative about finding anyone qualified who I'd get along with and be able to afford.
So thank you again, and please post more!
Kara Lynne
Posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 16:10:41
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 15:22:47
Tourette's
Posted by noa on June 7, 2003, at 16:14:14
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic, posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 1:14:02
>Help yourself so you can be with more nurturing and caring people!
John is right.
Today I was watching part of a documentary on the fall of the Soviet Union. The part that interested me was the interview of a man who was an economics graduate student in the late 80's, Anatoly (?) Chubais, who later went on to be part of the Gorbachov and Yeltsin reform governements. He described his experience of being unable to get any of his professors to discuss market economics with him as feeling like either he was crazy and the world around him was sane, or he was sane and the world around him was crazy. So he started to gather small groups of academics in cabins in the woods for secret seminars to discuss ideas that were banned from public discourse. Which is akin to John's notion of surrounding yourself with people who will not just perpetuate the distortions of the world you find yourself in.
Posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 16:21:17
In reply to Re: Thank you zenhussy » kara lynne, posted by zenhussy on June 6, 2003, at 17:57:14
I hope your family stuff is tolerable. Family stuff can be quite trying to say the least.
I'm feeling a bit more grounded yes, thank you for asking. Things are a bit less crazy around here than they were last weekend, although my mother is in the hospital which is nervewracking. Nothing serious we hope, but she's a cancer survivor so it's always scary. There's always that threat lurking in the background.
I'm not too good at dealing with the reality of my parent's aging, and they are getting old. But that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish!
Take care hussy, and thanks for being here.
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 22:45:19
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 15:22:47
> Hi John D.
> How nice to hear from you! Who are you? Where have you been?
>Thanks! I started coming to the board back in about August 2001 when I was diagnosed with ADD and started taking meds and I was scouring the internet for information. Thank God I found this place!
However I kind of just come and go. I havent read or posted anything in here for 2 or 3 months at least I think. I dont often have as much time as I used to to surf the internet. So I divide my surfing time up among all kinds of places and forums and depending on how I feel. There's so much going on here I find it hard to keep up!> I was *sort of* hyperbolizing about being sociopathic, but the word did enter my mind... I just looked it up and it said "pertaining to someone who is antisocial and lacks a sense conscience". Well I'm certainly antisocial, but the lack of conscience doesn't fit.
>Right!
We all have our moments!>Turret's syndrome. I don't actually scream out the obscenities, but I think them. I think of wildly inappropriate scenarios or "what if's...", but I don't share them. Some of them are typically OC, I think,
>Yea. Many people have dark thoughts, thats one way of putting them and I read an article about it. It can range from mild everyday stuff to serious OC type stuff. I'm not OC. So when I get them I realize that it's not the thoughts that matter but what my mind is trying to tell me about its state, my stress levels, anxiety levels and what else may be bothering me. Then I can act on that and not worry about the thoughts!
> Thank you for allowing me my digression. I am gearing up (thanks in part to this board and kalyb) to look for a therapist, even though I feel so stubbornly negative about finding anyone qualified who I'd get along with and be able to afford.
>Its ok to shop around. In fact its a must! Hopefully youll luck out. I dont think there is anything wrong with asking a therapist for referrals to other therapists. They should understand about that. I did that. Just say you feel you need to speak to a few different people to try and find someone who you feel comfortable working with and haven't made up your mind yet.
JohnD
Posted by zenhussy on June 8, 2003, at 10:13:33
In reply to Husstress, posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 16:21:17
> I hope your family stuff is tolerable. Family stuff can be quite trying to say the least.
>
> I'm feeling a bit more grounded yes, thank you for asking. Things are a bit less crazy around here than they were last weekend, although my mother is in the hospital which is nervewracking. Nothing serious we hope, but she's a cancer survivor so it's always scary. There's always that threat lurking in the background.
>
> I'm not too good at dealing with the reality of my parent's aging, and they are getting old. But that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish!
>
> Take care hussy, and thanks for being here.Whoa there kara lynne!
Your mom, a cancer survivor, is back in hospital? Nothing serious you hope? Please do let us know, if you want, as you find out more.
I'd be losing it too if my mother were in hospital. It does sound as if you are being realistic about the fact that you aren't dealing too well with your parents aging. There are plenty of books at libraries and bookshops about aging and ailing parents to help you (I hope that is).
I worry about my remaining parent quite a bit. Fact of life. Just do.
Glad you are a bit more grounded. Do take care and good luck with mom's health.
zenhusstress
Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:53:49
In reply to Re: Mildly Sociopathic, posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 15:22:47
Yes, those things sound OC to me, too. And a lot of it sounds like frustration. But it sounds like you do control your impulses. One bad afternoon of letting loose some frustration is nothing really.
All of this continues to remind me of the movie "Network" (shouting out the window, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!")which I am going to have to go out and rent, since I keep mentioning it! I haven't seen it probably since it came out several decades ago. My, how it made an impression on me.
Take care, KL.
Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:55:13
In reply to Husstress, posted by kara lynne on June 7, 2003, at 16:21:17
>I'm not too good at dealing with the reality of my parent's aging, and they are getting old. But that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish!
I'm in that kettle with you!
Hope your mom is ok.
This is the end of the thread.
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