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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:16:44
I yelled at my boss yesterday like I have never yelled at my boss
and I was so anxious and so depressed that I couldn't tolerate anything, like I was raw
and I was so afraid
man I feel like everything can hurt me
crapand I had managed to not get stoned for almost 2 weeks.....
aw man...I already feel bad about this
and I feel like my therapist is like "what the hell are you doing"
I feel like he's threatening me
with "like so what is this therapy going to be about?"
he's scaring the sh*t out of me
:-(
-me
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:31:20
In reply to I think my judgment has gone to sh*t....., posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:16:44
and I was like researching different ways people kill themselves....
what the f*ck is that? I want to go read Sylvia Plath and Virginia Wolff or something
do you know how virginia wolff killed herself?...
she put rocks in her pockets and walked into the freaking river
holy sh*t! that is crazy
and I say things like "hey, don't you know about 'so and so' who killed him or herself"
I coming up with suicide trivia for crissake
like "did you know that tattoo from fantasy killed himself?" and "both of Bing Crosby's son's committed suicide"...it is after all the holidays...some people watch 'White Christmas', I spend my time on the internet looking up ways people kill themselves, "cause I am like what the hell were they thinking?!"
the truth is that suicide scares the sh*t out of me..it really does, in a very real way..I really think that when people are suicidal that they are really 'out of it', as they say
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:44:43
In reply to morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:31:20
understand what the hell that guy was thinking...I mean holy crap..that's crazy
and the guy kind of left a journal of the fact that he was so f*ck*ng depressed that he just could not handle it"I was reading this... "personal anguish everywhere. We can't dodge it, and shouldn't worry that we are uniquely marked and fretted and must somehow keep even-tempered, amused, and in control. John Berryman in his mad way keeps talking about something evil stalking us poets. That's a bad way to talk, but there is some truth in it."
Robert Lowell wrote this about his generation of poets
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:24:58
In reply to morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:31:20
Sid, I'm worried about you. I had that same sort of obsession there for a while in the worst part of my postpartum depression. Does your therapist know about these thoughts?
Sometimes therapists let their own fears and their human-ness into the room with them. My therapist has had moments like that with me, when I was really depressed. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. Maybe it's a sign that he does.
I know you might not want to reach out to him right now, but maybe it would be a good idea anyway? Please keep safe.
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 22:35:28
In reply to and I was reading Curt Cobain because I just don't, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:44:43
she is like "get your sh*t together" to everyone
my mother hates judge judy
she can't stand her....thinks she is so incredibly rule
I like judge judy a lot actually...she is incredibly honest
she's like "what the hell are you doing?"
and my artwork says "do whatever you want."
and that is the essence of my neglect...
I could do whatever the hell I wanted to. I wish someone could have told me the truth about how they felt about me. I never knew what my mother was thinking about me. She never really seemed able to connect. I think she was preoccupied...she was always drunk, sitting in the dark. I think she barely held it together psychologically and economically...she was always freaking the hell out about something. I mean I didn't know if she was going to kill me or love me..she was (and continues to be at times) kind of unpredictable. and when she was drinking..holy sh*t, she was one scary f*ck*r
and so was my father though...they were two scary f*ck*rs going at each other
I'm pretty sure those nightmares about monsters fighting each other were just one symptom of the PTSD
I used to scream as loud as I possibly could at them to get them to stop...like "for god's sake! stop it!"
I found this old VHS videotape of "The Amityville Horror, and it has something ridiculous on the cover like "for god's sake! get out!"
like what the hell are you doing?!
that's one of the reasons I don't like scary movies like that...I can't stand watching them do the stupid sh*t they do...it's not funny to me, it's tragic.
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 22:37:07
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger » obsidian, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:24:58
I see him tomorrow...I have almost called him, just to hear his voice really..I think he's too mad at me to want to talk to me right now
Posted by onceupon on December 3, 2008, at 22:48:54
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger » obsidian, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:24:58
I agree with Dinah on this one. I'm concerned too. And I can remember having those kinds of obsessions too. Still do, periodically, but it's been some time.
This is going out on a limb, but do you live in a northern climate or have any SAD tendencies? The weather in the midwestern US has been getting to me recently.
Not to mention the holidays...as you mentioned.
Posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 23:04:38
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger, posted by onceupon on December 3, 2008, at 22:48:54
> I agree with Dinah on this one. I'm concerned too. And I can remember having those kinds of obsessions too. Still do, periodically, but it's been some time.
>
> This is going out on a limb, but do you live in a northern climate or have any SAD tendencies? The weather in the midwestern US has been getting to me recently.
>
> Not to mention the holidays...as you mentioned.I am in NY city, not manhattan though. and it is dark here now by 5:00
it feels like it's dark all the time now
I went out this morning in the sun, and you know it helped me feel just a little bit better.
but it's so darn cold. I kind of like the fall though.
...makes me remember the smell of wool in the cold air...from those years in catholic school, wearing wool blazers, button down shirts, standing at the bus stop with a skirt on of all things.
Posted by Sigismund on December 3, 2008, at 23:50:34
In reply to morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:31:20
Sid, I just indulged my morbid thoughts.
But when things get bad I always curl up with a book about Hitler or Stalin.
It calms me down.
I spent 20 years reading about European history, 1900-1945.
And then I talked about it with my T.
She must have got so sick of it.
'Oh dear. He's talking about Hitler again.'
Posted by obsidian on December 4, 2008, at 0:07:22
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger » obsidian, posted by Sigismund on December 3, 2008, at 23:50:34
> Sid, I just indulged my morbid thoughts.
>
> But when things get bad I always curl up with a book about Hitler or Stalin.
>
> It calms me down.
>
> I spent 20 years reading about European history, 1900-1945.
>
> And then I talked about it with my T.
>
> She must have got so sick of it.
> 'Oh dear. He's talking about Hitler again.'oh sig, I know that's not funny...but it made me laugh anyway
how often does one get to hear a sentiment like that?
hitler was one crazy example of what can go wrong in a person and in the world
Posted by onceupon on December 4, 2008, at 9:10:02
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 23:04:38
Mmm. I love the fall. And I can smell that wool in the fall air smell you're describing. Love it.
I'm lucky enough to work in an office where the light streams through my window and bathes me throughout the afternoon. But that's only when there's sun. Stupid planet tilt keeping me from getting my daily vitamin D dose.
Posted by Nadezda on December 4, 2008, at 10:23:44
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger, posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 23:04:38
I think your T cares-- he's just probably worried about you and wants to shake you into taking better care of yourself and warn you that you're on a dangerous path, and you need to wake up and not let yourself go down it, in a sort of state of "what the hell" unthinkingness.
(PS those are speculations, but my T is sort of doing the same thing-- not well)
I have this feeling that you know reading about suicide is indulging some dark side of you-- and putting yourself into a zone where it gets harder and harder to get out, and the hope gets less visible. I'm worried about you, too. Maybe you need to "get a grip" as they say and force yourself not to give into to some of these impulses to let the destructive and hopeless side out.
It's like in dbt-- when you say to yourself silent--"this is a disaster" you feel worse-- and if you keep saying it, you can get yourself to feel awful. If you say (in the mode of whistling a happy tune-- a mode that's never appealed to me), "I can repair this" "this isn't the end of the situation" or tomorrow I'll do better"--- you feel more hopeful. And that's just a very simplistic version of how you can really lure yourself away from despair, and towards a little more optimisim-- which can give you the strength to hold out one more day without the marijuana, etc.
Your T is asking you--do you really want to do this to yourself? and challenging you to dig in, and start to work against this.
I know holidays can be the worst time of year-- and it is dark here, really early-- and getting cold, and even if it isn't too bad yet, you can tell winter is coming on. But maybe you can think of something about winter that you like-- and just repeat it to yourself whenever you have a bad thought about the dark.
I'm not saying that gets to the deeper problem--you need to try to find a way of not giving in on a deeper level. But maybe a dbt group would be good.
Have you ever tried AICT-- it's in manhattan on 57th street and Lexington-- American Institute of Cog Therapy. They have a fairly good dbt group, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And some other groups, too, I think in meditation. You could call them.
I only suggest them because they've helped me some-- and if I would only put more into it-- I could get a lot more out of it. They're reputable.
Or even one of those light boxes-- maybe that would help?
And try not to read about suicide. It's going to make things much worse-- even if it's strangely soothing, in the moment. (Sorry to be so full of suggestions-- but these little mechanical things make a difference-- and can close a door, or open one.)
Nadezda
Posted by obsidian on December 4, 2008, at 23:29:19
In reply to Re: morbid thoughts trigger » obsidian, posted by Dinah on December 3, 2008, at 22:24:58
that my therapist does not "hate" me, and he isn't trying to get rid of me, but he is trying to make me get my proverbial "sh*t" together
I felt a lot better, but I am not there yet.
I think I might start writing my T notes, so I can keep track of myself. I do want to be in my own little cave.
He wanted to make sure that I am on my medication. I am, now, but I am still a little crazy. Gotta find another way to deal with myself right now. Maybe a little risperdal?? Maybe I'm getting agitated sometimes. Is that good for agitation?
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2008, at 0:17:49
In reply to so it turns out..., posted by obsidian on December 4, 2008, at 23:29:19
Mileage varies, of course. But it's been a godsend for me. My therapist is great for me, but a bit of Risperdal as needed works better than anything for agitation.
I'm glad you worked things out with your therapist.
Posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 0:27:22
In reply to Re: so it turns out... » obsidian, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2008, at 0:17:49
> Mileage varies, of course. But it's been a godsend for me. My therapist is great for me, but a bit of Risperdal as needed works better than anything for agitation.
Thanks Dinah, I wonder if my pdoc would try it with me as a prn
I want to call him, but I will see him either on mon or thurs>
> I'm glad you worked things out with your therapist.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 7:27:10
In reply to I think my judgment has gone to sh*t....., posted by obsidian on December 3, 2008, at 21:16:44
Hey there Sid,
I kind of understand the morbid thoughts trigger. I just wrote a paper about suicide intersections in my life. Silly me-- the professor assumed I was suicidal, and so we had a little chit chat yesterday morning. Who? suicidal? not me!!!But I digress. Yes, reading about suicide is awfully horribly magnetic. But it's also a choice. Maybe your T is trying to help you feel empowered. This is a choice. Your choice.
Or something like that?
I wish you weren't feeling so crappy. I like nad's idea of the Dbt centre (haha canadians!!!) and maybe you can find some open minded, non-judgmental folks there. One problem with all of this psychological distress is that it isolates us.
Well, keep posting, because I think very highly of you, and I hope that you can call your T, just to check in and brag--- hey! I went 2 weeks without getting high (or whatever it's called?).
Or just to say "it's dark outside" and see where it goes from there
sending you a clementine...-Ll
Posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 9:14:03
In reply to Re: I think my judgment has gone to sh*t..... » obsidian, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 7:27:10
I love clementines :-)
I am sparing my T discussion of morbid thoughts
they are just thoughts anyway
if they were anything more I'd call him
I am so tired today lurps.
-hope you're well,
sid
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 11:13:24
In reply to Re: I think my judgment has gone to sh*t..... » llurpsienoodle, posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 9:14:03
Nah,
Don't "spare him".They *like* this kind of stuff. It's the squirt of lime on top of the fish.
Glad you like the clementines. I've got a whole box in the car. Believe it or not, I can peel and eat them while driving.
anyhoo...
take care, and be creative today. Hope you can find something to take your mind off of this stuff. Retail therapy? window shopping?
-Ll
Posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 22:08:39
In reply to Re: I think my judgment has gone to sh*t..... » obsidian, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 5, 2008, at 11:13:24
> Nah,
> Don't "spare him".
>
> They *like* this kind of stuff. It's the squirt of lime on top of the fish.are they weirdos??...seriously, the last thing I'd want to hear about is how some crazy chick patient of mine was reading about how people killed themselves. Doesn't everyone end up reading about that? I just don't think I could ever really hurt myself. Sometimes I like life.
....but sometimes I really don't.
I can usually remember something I like about life. I guess this all depends on the moment though doesn't it?
I called my pdoc, and I left a message...I asked him if there was anything I could take for the irritability and uncomfortability I am experiencing right now.
you know why I am super f*ck*d right now?
I have homework, and work of course.
I don't have time to either be spaced out or unconscious.
If I get like 15 hours within the next like 10 days to devote to homework then I can pull it off,
that means 5 hours this weekend at the least. that means I can manage to get like 14 hours a night on sat and sun night, and still manage to do the work
I think I have to up the seroquel or take something else.
are clementines in season?
-sid
>
> Glad you like the clementines. I've got a whole box in the car. Believe it or not, I can peel and eat them while driving.
>
> anyhoo...
>
> take care, and be creative today. Hope you can find something to take your mind off of this stuff. Retail therapy? window shopping?
>
> -Ll
Posted by Sigismund on December 6, 2008, at 23:43:31
In reply to Re: I think my judgment has gone to sh*t..... » llurpsienoodle, posted by obsidian on December 5, 2008, at 22:08:39
>the irritability and uncomfortability I am experiencing right now.
I'm sure that this has been discussed before, but I can't help wondering if it is drug (med) related.
In fact, as you feel like this, I'm not surprised that you smoke dope, which IMO helps with this (if with not much else and bad effects besides).
Posted by obsidian on December 7, 2008, at 13:14:18
In reply to Re: I think my judgment has gone to sh*t....., posted by Sigismund on December 6, 2008, at 23:43:31
I don't know sig, I hope not
seroquel 50mgs
klonopin .5
effexorxr 225mgs
lamictal 100mgsif it is, it'd either be the effexor or the lamictal??
I don't have a lot of med knowledge
I know a little though
This is the end of the thread.
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