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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 22 to 46 of 47. Go back in thread:
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:29:55
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc, posted by Phillipa on December 25, 2007, at 22:10:16
Life SHOULD NOT hurt this much. I feel guilty because I know there are people much worse off than me. Still, I am really suffering right now.
Gah, I don't know.
I hope I die in my sleep (what are the chances of that happening?)
Maxime
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:43:42
In reply to Re: Please, I need support, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 21:13:38
Maxime,
No Sweetie! don't cut again. Take a deep breath. Think of something beautiful....a mountain? a butterfly? soft fluffy snow...
Think how intricately they are made. Maxime, you are more beautiful then all of them....
MidnightBlue
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:45:15
In reply to Re: Please, I need support » rskontos, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:01:07
Maxime,
You are never alone. You may FEEL alone, but you are not alone.
MB
Posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 22:46:10
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:29:55
> Life SHOULD NOT hurt this much. I feel guilty because I know there are people much worse off than me. Still, I am really suffering right now.
*suffering is suffering, it hurts :-(
> Gah, I don't know.*hard to think when you spinning huh. I am like that too.
> I hope I die in my sleep (what are the chances of that happening?)*pretty small...
BUT, the chances of this crisis passing and you feeling a bit better are VERY good.
Hang in there.
Can you do the basic self soothing stuff?
Or distraction?
Reading books, baths, safe videos, phoning a trusted friend, etc?
Take care,
M
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:48:12
In reply to Re: Please, I need support » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:43:42
> Maxime,
>
> No Sweetie! don't cut again. Take a deep breath. Think of something beautiful....a mountain? a butterfly? soft fluffy snow...
>
> Think how intricately they are made. Maxime, you are more beautiful then all of them....
>
> MidnightBlue
>
>I wish I had a punching bag. Then I could take my anger out on the bag instead of myself. Except a part of me thinks I deserve to be cut. I'm so messed up.
I should try to go to bed. I wonder if I can sleep?
Thanks MB.
Maxime
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:49:39
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » muffled, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:06:37
Maxime,
You CAN go back in. You were doing better before this setback. I don't know what happened with the psychologist, but it isn't your fault. You had made some progress. And for what it is worth, I'm not at all sure you are borderline. Didn't you say it was the psychologist who thought you were borderline, but not the pdoc? I think the pdoc would know best....
MB
Posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 22:52:59
In reply to Re: Please, I need support » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:48:12
My neck is wrecked, so I can't do it now, but I remember when I was little, laying in bed, and I'd lay on my back, my head on my pillow, and flop it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.Side to side. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes quite slow cuz my neck would be so tired, but then I think thots would intrude so I'd up the flopping, abck and forth, back and forth.
I dunno if it helps with anger...
I'd eventually fall asleep anyways...
M
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:53:02
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 22:29:55
Maxime,
The pain you feel is very real to you. It is a threat to your well being. It matters. YOU matter! Never forget that. You are a person of value and worth.
MB
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:00:02
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 22:49:39
> Maxime,
>
> You CAN go back in. You were doing better before this setback. I don't know what happened with the psychologist, but it isn't your fault. You had made some progress. And for what it is worth, I'm not at all sure you are borderline. Didn't you say it was the psychologist who thought you were borderline, but not the pdoc? I think the pdoc would know best....
>
> MBSadly, I do fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder. I hate to admit it, but it's true. This psychologist is really on top of things. He runs a DBT group for people with borderline personality disorder.
Yes, I could go back to the hospital. I don't want to, but I could. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I hate to do this to my family.
Maxime
Posted by Phillipa on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:22
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:00:02
They would rather have you. And then get another psychologist and that test I had. Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:29
In reply to head flopping?!, posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 22:52:59
> My neck is wrecked, so I can't do it now, but I remember when I was little, laying in bed, and I'd lay on my back, my head on my pillow, and flop it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.Side to side. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes quite slow cuz my neck would be so tired, but then I think thots would intrude so I'd up the flopping, abck and forth, back and forth.
> I dunno if it helps with anger...
> I'd eventually fall asleep anyways...
> MI think that would actually energize me.
I need a punching bag. And I need to get rid of all my razor blades.
Maxime
Posted by Phillipa on December 25, 2007, at 23:08:23
In reply to Re: head flopping?! » muffled, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:29
Maxie okay plan A. Get rid of the blades. Plan B. Buy the punching bag. Plan C. Start a thread and see if anyone wants to do DBT here too. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 23:10:17
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:00:02
I dunno why cutting freaks some people out so much.
Initially it freaked my T some. Not really freaked her, but she hated it, she didn't REALLY understand it.
So I got over being as mute as I usu am, and we discussed it, and she came round to MY way of thinking more.
That cutting is not "bad". It works. Its a lifesaver. Its not great, but yes, it does work.
And once I accepted it more, and gave myself permission to use it as a tool for safety when absolutely needed, it took alot of stress of it off me. Cuz the cutting helped, but ultimately the guilt and shame added to my stress in the end.
So once I gave myself permission, and accepted it was necessary at that time until I found better ways that actually WORKED.
Well that took away alot of the shame and guilt.
It reduced my stress level.
And oddly enuf....
I cut LESS, and less badly.
I would stop sooner.
I was aware of its function as a tool, and as soon as I knew I was feeling a bit better I'd stop, knowing I'd done enuf.
And there would be pride and releife that I'd stopped sooner, with less damage.
I'd remind myself, that I could have done SO much more damage. But I didn't.
This cutting CAN be overcome, with time.
Meantime, don't beat yourself up over it OK?
Also, I bet your family ultimately wants whats safest for you. If thats hosp, then so be it.
Mebbe you could get into DBT faster thru hosp?
I dunno.
Borderline is hard.
I dunno that I fit the criteria, but just reading the stuff bout it sounds SO hard.
BUT it IS treatable. Very successfully from what I gather. Just takes time.
Take good care,
M
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 23:43:29
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:00:02
Maxime,
You are not doing this TO your family, you are doing this FOR your family, all your friends at Babble, and most of all for yourself! You are going to go to the hospital because that is the safest place for you right now. That is where you can get the most help the quickest.
MB
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 23:45:51
In reply to Re: head flopping?! » muffled, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:29
Maxime,
Punch your pillow. Just go ahead and beat it up! Feathers flying, stuffing blowing whatever it takes. That is the safest thing to hit! and right now go and throw away ALL your razor blades!
MB
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:53:41
In reply to Re: Crisis lines etc » Maxime, posted by Phillipa on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:22
> They would rather have you. And then get another psychologist and that test I had. Phillipa
What test did you have?
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 23:53:52
In reply to Re: head flopping?! » muffled, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:06:29
And tell us you are on the way to the hospital and that you safely made it through the night. I'll be praying for you.
MB
Posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:57:24
In reply to Maxime, please post in the morning.... » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on December 25, 2007, at 23:53:52
> And tell us you are on the way to the hospital and that you safely made it through the night. I'll be praying for you.
>
> MBI will post in the morning. I have taken a LOT of pills - Nozinan. More than I should have. So I might sleep late. But I will post.
Thank you.
Posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 9:55:03
In reply to Re: Maxime, please post in the morning.... » MidnightBlue, posted by Maxime on December 25, 2007, at 23:57:24
Maxime, have you ever read about why you cut? It is in the book I am reading as well as BPD. Do you think of BPD as a life sentence. Do you think being labelled that is somehow the worst thing there is. I have noticed that this is the second or third time you have mentioned it. I just wanted to know if you feel badly being diagnosised with this disorder.
If this is so I am so sorry. I understand, Muffled understands so many of us do. DID is not one you want to be diagnosised either. Many don't believe it is a true disorder. What you are dX is not important anyway. Crazy or not crazy it isnt important. We are all special in our own ways. And we are going to get better. We will.
Cutting has a purpose (maybe one that most don't understand) and when you understand the reason for it makes sense for the one doing it at the time but there are better things to do. . I wish you wouldn't do it. The first time I read you did it. It triggered one of my little ones and I cried for days. So I had to research it for my little ones to understand what you were doing to see if I could help you and my little ones understand better. I do now. I know I can't really help so much except to offer understanding and support from afar and to tell you how I wish I could be there to sit with you. And to tell you that you are special. I would be happy to share with you what I read but only if you ask.
I hope you are better please let us know.
rsk
Posted by Maxime on December 26, 2007, at 13:07:35
In reply to Re: Maxime, please post in the morning...., posted by rskontos on December 26, 2007, at 9:55:03
> Maxime, have you ever read about why you cut? It is in the book I am reading as well as BPD. Do you think of BPD as a life sentence. Do you think being labelled that is somehow the worst thing there is. I have noticed that this is the second or third time you have mentioned it. I just wanted to know if you feel badly being diagnosised with this disorder.
>
> If this is so I am so sorry. I understand, Muffled understands so many of us do. DID is not one you want to be diagnosised either. Many don't believe it is a true disorder. What you are dX is not important anyway. Crazy or not crazy it isnt important. We are all special in our own ways. And we are going to get better. We will.
>
> Cutting has a purpose (maybe one that most don't understand) and when you understand the reason for it makes sense for the one doing it at the time but there are better things to do. . I wish you wouldn't do it. The first time I read you did it. It triggered one of my little ones and I cried for days. So I had to research it for my little ones to understand what you were doing to see if I could help you and my little ones understand better. I do now. I know I can't really help so much except to offer understanding and support from afar and to tell you how I wish I could be there to sit with you. And to tell you that you are special. I would be happy to share with you what I read but only if you ask.
>
> I hope you are better please let us know.
>
> rskIt's 2 pm and I just woke up. The pills I took last night really hit me hard.
I am sorry if I upset you with my cutting. I do it to feel something and to release anxiety.
I still feel awful today, but I don't want to go to the hospital.
I am ashamed of being dx'd with borderline. I don't know why but I am.
Maxime
Posted by wishingstar on December 26, 2007, at 16:56:20
In reply to Re: Maxime, please post in the morning.... » rskontos, posted by Maxime on December 26, 2007, at 13:07:35
Maxime.. I havent read the whole thread but I feel I can relate to what you are saying. I also have been diagnosed borderline and I truly believe the diagnosis itself helped me to get worse, for awhile. It's such a terrible label. A therapist would never (we hope!) call someone some of the names/words that the diagnosis can imply, but will throw the catch all word (borderline) around and expect it wont feel like a big deal. I understand that it does feel like a big deal and I dont blame you for wanting to avoid it.
One thing that one therapist told me about it was this. He said, borderline is just the label we give to people when they arent getting better and we dont know why. I'm not saying there arent true borderlines out there.. I think there are.. but I think its hugely overdiagnosed. I work in mental health and my colleagues love it. People say that if you cut, you're borderline. It's just not true.
I dont really know you, but I'm still going to say.. you're not crazy. Maybe you have some borderline tendancies, maybe you dont, I dont know. But either way, it's not YOU. I know that I have some borderline-ish qualities (although I think the diagnosis, for me, is wrong). It makes me feel better to remember that the problems with abandonment, the fears, the hurts.. theyre learned. I'm not a bad person, I'm not crazy.. I just learned the lessons any child would have learned growing up in my home. I'm not a failure because of that. It's darn hard to unlearn some of them, but it's doable, I believe. Dont let them define who you are. Only you know who you really are, what you're really feeling, and what you really need. If borderline really does fit for you, that's okay. It just means it's time to start working on some of those areas and unlearning the hard things you were taught in the past. If it doesnt fit, dont let them force it on you. I've found that the more you argue, the more the doctors insist the diagnosis fits. What I'm finally come to do is just accept that theyre going to use that label and take what I can from their treatment and leave the rest. If I'm getting help that is useful, either in the moment or long term, and the treatment is being created out of a borderline-treatment-model, fine. If it works, it works. They can tell me I have ebola if they want, as long as the meds they gave me make my cold go away. Know what I mean? It's not easy.. I know.
I dont know why I'm saying all this. I dont know if it even fits for you. I hope some part of it resonates.
Aside from all this, please get the help you need. I've been inpatient three times. I've worked in the past as a counselor and that made it a very hard decision for me. Each time I said I'd rather die than go back to the hospital. It's not a fun place to be, I know. But we want you to be safe. I know I dont know you, but I would care if you died. Please take care of you. The times you dont want to are when you probably need to the most.
(((((((Hugs))))))))
feel free to babblemail me if you need to talk.
Posted by Maxime on December 26, 2007, at 17:29:25
In reply to Re: Maxime, please post in the morning...., posted by wishingstar on December 26, 2007, at 16:56:20
> Maxime.. I havent read the whole thread but I feel I can relate to what you are saying. I also have been diagnosed borderline and I truly believe the diagnosis itself helped me to get worse, for awhile. It's such a terrible label. A therapist would never (we hope!) call someone some of the names/words that the diagnosis can imply, but will throw the catch all word (borderline) around and expect it wont feel like a big deal. I understand that it does feel like a big deal and I dont blame you for wanting to avoid it.
>
> One thing that one therapist told me about it was this. He said, borderline is just the label we give to people when they arent getting better and we dont know why. I'm not saying there arent true borderlines out there.. I think there are.. but I think its hugely overdiagnosed. I work in mental health and my colleagues love it. People say that if you cut, you're borderline. It's just not true.
>
> I dont really know you, but I'm still going to say.. you're not crazy. Maybe you have some borderline tendancies, maybe you dont, I dont know. But either way, it's not YOU. I know that I have some borderline-ish qualities (although I think the diagnosis, for me, is wrong). It makes me feel better to remember that the problems with abandonment, the fears, the hurts.. theyre learned. I'm not a bad person, I'm not crazy.. I just learned the lessons any child would have learned growing up in my home. I'm not a failure because of that. It's darn hard to unlearn some of them, but it's doable, I believe. Dont let them define who you are. Only you know who you really are, what you're really feeling, and what you really need. If borderline really does fit for you, that's okay. It just means it's time to start working on some of those areas and unlearning the hard things you were taught in the past. If it doesnt fit, dont let them force it on you. I've found that the more you argue, the more the doctors insist the diagnosis fits. What I'm finally come to do is just accept that theyre going to use that label and take what I can from their treatment and leave the rest. If I'm getting help that is useful, either in the moment or long term, and the treatment is being created out of a borderline-treatment-model, fine. If it works, it works. They can tell me I have ebola if they want, as long as the meds they gave me make my cold go away. Know what I mean? It's not easy.. I know.
>
> I dont know why I'm saying all this. I dont know if it even fits for you. I hope some part of it resonates.
>
> Aside from all this, please get the help you need. I've been inpatient three times. I've worked in the past as a counselor and that made it a very hard decision for me. Each time I said I'd rather die than go back to the hospital. It's not a fun place to be, I know. But we want you to be safe. I know I dont know you, but I would care if you died. Please take care of you. The times you dont want to are when you probably need to the most.
>
> (((((((Hugs))))))))
>
> feel free to babblemail me if you need to talk.You made a lot of sense. Even the psychologist says I am only a little borderline. What's a little borderline?
I can't go back into the hospital now. I have to just hang on I guess.
Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
Maxime
Posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 18:58:36
In reply to Re: Maxime, please post in the morning.... » wishingstar, posted by Maxime on December 26, 2007, at 17:29:25
Posted by Maxime on December 29, 2007, at 21:34:57
In reply to Hope you doing OK. (nm) » Maxime, posted by muffled on December 29, 2007, at 18:58:36
Posted by Phoenix1 on January 4, 2008, at 16:25:27
In reply to Thanks. I am existing (sadly) (nm) » muffled, posted by Maxime on December 29, 2007, at 21:34:57
Hey Maxime, there's no reason to feel ashamed of the borderline dx. I understand that there's a stigma among medical people that don't like to deal with "borderline" patients. But there's no reason why having the borderline dx should affect the way you are treated for suicidal depression, etc. They are somewhat separate issues. I was embarrassed to admit I was depressed, then to admit that I was suicidal, and then to admit that I needed inpatient treatment. Then I realized that I don't really care what nurses/doctors think of me. They are there to provide a service that I'm in need of. I don't need to impress them or have them like me. If I feel they aren't providing adequate care/treatment, I will mention it. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be ashamed and submissive for having a mental illness. Sorry for the tirade. I just don't want you to feel shame for something that isn't your fault, and isn't really shameful at all. I certainly don't think any less of you. I think you're pretty courageous and resilient for dealing with some of your issues, and not giving up/giving in.
Phoenix1
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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