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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 17:48:21
So this I not so sure I understand.
"trauma processing".
Of course I have read about it.
But is there ANY easier way?
My truama not so bad.
Limited memory.
I so admire people who can say their 'stuff'.
I DON"T WANT TO say HER stuff. The sick dog kid in me. Butt hse haunt and haunt me and I want to self destruct, but I won't, but I want to when the feelings come.
And I done ok, wellllll, mebbe not so OK, but I survived lotsa years w/o really thinking of it. Stored away. Not mine.
But I am starting to come to understand that I have in fact one body. ONE BODY. This is the ONLY body I have ever had. This body was once a child. SH*T. See I was never a child. But I HAD to be, cuz this is my body. Its all so confusing. So the bad thing is, is if this is my body, and this body was child, then this is the body that F*CK THIS, but anyways, this body is the body involved in the memory pic. THIS body? But this body is my body and my head hurts and I get dizzy.
This sucks.
So I guess question is: Do I then tell of what little memory I have of Thatkid and her body? Does it have to do anything with me? Can't I just hate that sick kid? Is it OK to punch a rock wall to express her pain, cuz its not mine, and she got no other way to say it, cuz she can't talk.
I am confused.
I dunno.
Missed T the previous week cuz kids sick. This week I just had a walk w/her so I could see her and not lose her, but didn't want to talk bout nothing.
I don't never want to talk.
Here's a story I sent her:
But its like I got a big black cloud over me, and there's people in the cloud w/guns waiting to get me. I just wannna say 'shoot me you bastards', but I want to be here w/my kids, so I run away from the black cloud, but its following me, and them guys is laughing at me, cuz they figger they gonna get me yet. But I can't give up. But I can't go back.But I ascared to go forwards. So I hiding under a bush, hoping that damn cloud don't get me. Goto keep quiet so them guys don't get me.
I toooooo scared.
I tired of hiding under the bush.
M
Posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 21:27:48
In reply to processing?, posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 17:48:21
that maybe why I have a hard time saying anything, is cuz I not saying *my* stuff. I am repeating what another has shown me, it has no connection to me directly, so how can I know if its real or truth or ANYthing. How can I say when I dunno bout it, I can explain what is shown me I guess, but it feels awfully weird. It feels bad to know what she feels.
Damn.
Posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 21:29:03
In reply to It occurs to me, posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 21:27:48
it WAS me, what if this is so?
No, this does not compute.
Posted by Daisym on November 27, 2007, at 22:40:04
In reply to and what if, posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 21:29:03
My therapist would say it is OK to talk about stuff in parts and pieces. You can talk from that place - or you can narrate - like watching a TV screen and telling what you are seeing. I started out hating all the different ages and things I was feeling. Now I am more compassionate, but not always. And I struggle and struggle with feeling young and regressed - I want to own all this crud - I just can't yet.
We've been working on a trigger from when I was 6. It is a very big deal my therapist says - and yet it isn't the "worst" thing that happened to me. So I'm struggling a lot. My vocabulary deserts me and I'm left with little kid words to describe adult acts. It makes me feel stupid.
But --
I'm telling. I'm telling "her" stories. I'm telling them angry and sad and with tears. I tell them flat and with no emotion. But I'm telling.
It is a relief to tell. Scary - terrifying - and a huge relief. I make my therapist promise all the time that he won't tell anyone else. He always does.
I think you should tell what you can, when you can.
I'm sorry - if I knew of another way - I promise I'd tell you. Believe me, I've looked for one. The only way out is through.
Posted by star008 on November 28, 2007, at 6:30:54
In reply to Re: and what if, posted by Daisym on November 27, 2007, at 22:40:04
oh Muffled.. I am so sorry.. I know pretty much how you feel. I have to agree with Daisy..The way out is through.. I hated all of them too.. Made me feel yuck..Just yuck.. It took along time not to hate them all..Sometimes I find a part of me that still does hate them//But, have you ever hated a kid?? Really hated a kid?? No.. because you aren't that mean..And whatever happened was not her fault cuz kids are just kids.. YOu know that.. It is the mean part of yourself that hates her. I felt that way for a long time..But then I started to feel a little guilty..She is just a kid and I am mean to her and treat her like sh...t. She is a kid like you kids.. Like anyones kids..She is stuck in time and never asked to be htere.. I know u don't want to take care of her..Don't want to hear anything she has to say,,, but she is a kid.. remember that..I know it is hard for you to listen to this sh...t , but I have been where you am.. Am still there in alot of ways..I don't ahve the answers for this.. I do know it can take years to process.. Processing has to do with getting to know the kids and somehow you live with them or integrate them.. They don't have to integrate for you to get better though.
Do you just have one kid??? I would suspect there are more that you don't know about.. Don't be surprised if you find more..I have 6 that I know of..Each one has their own stuff.. I don't know where they were all those years.. I haven't known they were all with me for that long.. a few years maybe..But they are there since the age they are when you see them.. YOu ahve an idea of how old she is..
hugs muffled
You can't punch walls.. that wouldn't make sense.. You will jsut break your hand and then have to go through all that stuff.. It does get better.. But it takes so damn long..
I hope I can hope you out a little.. As hard as it is try to soften up a bit towards her.. Just try to put away the anger and get a sense of what she is about..Really Muffled,, I know every bit how awful and terrbile this is but you gotta get through it for your children..They need their mom..
Posted by antigua3 on November 28, 2007, at 7:20:46
In reply to processing?, posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 17:48:21
You're breaking my heart because you struggle so much. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all go away. But I can't, and the only way is through.
Yes, that little kid is part of you and I think you already know that. She has the words and/or feelings to tell. Try to let her tell, no matter how, as Daisy suggested.
I hated my little girl for the longest times. I wanted to kill her off because she seemed so pathetic in my eyes, and didn't have a lot to do with me. One day, and I don't know how, I stopped hating her and wanted to help her. I used one of my older girls to help her. You see, the littlest one really doesn't talk, she's just a pathetic, disgusting mess and represents the most hurting part of me.
Just keep trying. I've spent years just reciting events, but sometimes now I can have the feelings too, which my T says is better. Rationally, I know this, but emotionally I'd rather be flat--it's much less painful.
We are all here for you and we care a lot. Try to steer clear of self-destructive behavior. That may be coming from one of your kids, and you may be close, close to something because you recently got pushed over the edge with that teeny relapse.
antigua
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 28, 2007, at 8:23:09
In reply to processing?, posted by Muffled on November 27, 2007, at 17:48:21
> So this I not so sure I understand.
> "trauma processing".this stuff can be terrifying, muff. What does your intellectual brain say and what does your heart say. When they are not one, well, that's when problems arise. I think it's important to take a firm grip on reality. The here and the now can never be taken away from you EVER. You will always exists in the here and now. I get some comfort from that. No matter where my imagination takes me, it will always return to the here and now.
and no, I don't think you're weird. you're special and different, and quirky, and unique, but not weird.
-Ll
:)
p.s. I don't get this "processing" stuff either. That was just the best word I could come up with at the time.
p.p.s. the zyprexa is good . I don't have a hangover this am.
Posted by Muffled on November 28, 2007, at 13:46:47
In reply to Re: and what if, posted by Daisym on November 27, 2007, at 22:40:04
> My therapist would say it is OK to talk about stuff in parts and pieces. You can talk from that place - or you can narrate - like watching a TV screen and telling what you are seeing. I started out hating all the different ages and things I was feeling. Now I am more compassionate, but not always. And I struggle and struggle with feeling young and regressed - I want to own all this crud - I just can't yet.
*So I can say it w/o owning it????? Well thats good to know, cuz I been trying to do both. I am better w/Thatkid, but still not great...
Those are some good ideas daisy thx.
I was thinking too, that cuz I don't have alot of details or awhole lot to report, well, for me, maybe its not so important, the details, cuz in reality I doubt I will get much. But maybe its helpful in undertanding WHY I have the behaviours I do, and all the false stuff I truly deep in my heart beleive bout myself.(leper, disgusting etc).> We've been working on a trigger from when I was 6. It is a very big deal my therapist says - and yet it isn't the "worst" thing that happened to me. So I'm struggling a lot. My vocabulary deserts me and I'm left with little kid words to describe adult acts. It makes me feel stupid.
*((( Daisy ))) Yeah, and way of describing is VERY limited for me. Mostly it comes down to how she felt.
> But --
>
> I'm telling. I'm telling "her" stories. I'm telling them angry and sad and with tears. I tell them flat and with no emotion. But I'm telling.*you are a very brave woman daisy. I do admire you. I appreciate that you want to help others.
>
> It is a relief to tell. Scary - terrifying - and a huge relief. I make my therapist promise all the time that he won't tell anyone else. He always does.*Told my T too. Said she can't say nothing. I beleive she won't. I did say a bit in a freak out the other day, my did say, 'now how does that feel?'. It just felt weird. Felt like nothing. I was too freaked anyhow. Now I just want it to go away.
>
> I think you should tell what you can, when you can.*Thats the thing, I avoiding. Thats my M.O. Avoid, deny. I been avoidning for MANY years. I fear if I wait too long one of these days I may not make it. So I just goto do it. I WAS getting ready, but then kids sick etc. Then so I miss a week, and then hard to reconnect again. I wrote some stuff to her, but now I afraid to go back and read it.
>
> I'm sorry - if I knew of another way - I promise I'd tell you. Believe me, I've looked for one. The only way out is through.*Sigh. I pretty much trust you daisy. I expect you've looked into it. I just gresping at straws. And I didn't honestly have full awareness that there was something. So its hard cuz I afraid if there's more, cuz I kinda split some. But I reckon its just I just have the genetics for it, and I honed it down to a fine art during frightening asthmatic episodes is all. But its a little worrysome.
But it comes down to not so much details I think, as just reasons for my behaviours and accepting Thatkid and helping her feel better I guess.
Thanks.
Muffled
Posted by Muffled on November 28, 2007, at 14:02:38
In reply to Re: and what if muffled, posted by star008 on November 28, 2007, at 6:30:54
> oh Muffled.. I am so sorry.. I know pretty much how you feel. I have to agree with Daisy..The way out is through.. I hated all of them too.. Made me feel yuck..Just yuck.. It took along time not to hate them all..Sometimes I find a part of me that still does hate them
*Yuck is right. I am sorry there are so many out there that understand this stuff. Yes, we do indeed hate Thatkid, with a passion.
//But, have you ever hated a kid?? Really hated a kid?? was not her fault cuz kids are just kids.. YOu know that..
**sigh there is so much that a part of me knows , but which other parts do not seem to understand or accept. I need ALL of me to accept some basic stuff.
Yeah, she a kid I guess, but God what she feels is so sick. Its like she not even human, like maybe she is inhuman, or was, or something, I dunno. Just don't much like it.>It is the mean part of yourself that hates her.
*ALL of me hates her, is unwilling to accept her. There is ONE part that seems willing to try, but even she agrees that THatkid is swampweed. But at least she has tried.
>I felt that way for a long time..But then I started to feel a little guilty..She is just a kid and I am mean to her and treat her like sh...t. She is stuck in time and never asked to be htere..
*thats bout the ONLY thing that gets to me...'she never asked to be there...' I dunno.
>I know u don't want to take care of her..Don't want to hear anything she has to say,,, but she is a kid.. remember that..I know it is hard for you to listen to this sh...t , but I have been where you am.. Am still there in alot of ways..I don't ahve the answers for this.. I do know it can take years to process.. Processing has to do with getting to know the kids and somehow you live with them or integrate them.. They don't have to integrate for you to get better though.
*Sigh. Makes me REALLy tired trying to work with them. I still won't let T see them. She has, but I dunno if she knew it. T has tried to connect, but either I get all embarassed or the kid runs off, or someone shuts the kid down...
>
> Do you just have one kid??? I would suspect there are more that you don't know about.. Don't be surprised if you find more..I have 6 that I know of..Each one has their own stuff.. I don't know where they were all those years.. I haven't known they were all with me for that long.. a few years maybe..But they are there since the age they are when you see them.. YOu ahve an idea of how old she is..*there's more than one. Sometimes it hard to tell if its all one and the same one in some instances. But there are at least some that are very distinct to me.
>
> hugs muffled*Thx
>
> You can't punch walls.. that wouldn't make sense.. You will jsut break your hand and then have to go through all that stuff.. It does get better.. But it takes so damn long..*Punch walls....well..stupidly, for me, the worst would be lying about it to others...the rest I don't care. Would serve many good puposes otherwise. And it would heal, yes it would heal, mostly. Many purposes indeed.
> I hope I can hope you out a little.. As hard as it is try to soften up a bit towards her.. Just try to put away the anger and get a sense of what she is about..Really Muffled,, I know every bit how awful and terrbile this is but you gotta get through it for your children..They need their mom..*Thanks for this post, I could feel how you were trying so hard to get across bout them inside kids, and my T tries too. Its a real stumbling block for me. I will mention that to T. I bet you did help, bet someone in me read this and mebbe will soften.
Muffled
Posted by Muffled on November 28, 2007, at 14:12:17
In reply to Re: processing? **maybe trigger** » Muffled, posted by antigua3 on November 28, 2007, at 7:20:46
> You're breaking my heart because you struggle so much. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all go away. But I can't, and the only way is through.
*I struggle so much, that what my T says. I expect its my own damn fault though. I be too chicken, I just goto get down to business. Thanks for magic wand wish :-) I think you smart cuz that what I been wishing for!!!! But guess its not so. Only way is thru :-(
> Yes, that little kid is part of you and I think you already know that. She has the words and/or feelings to tell. Try to let her tell, no matter how, as Daisy suggested.*I think thats what I gotta do. Not so easy though. Diff parts respond differently. The way I am at T? I don't even know to be honest, but I think I am very alert and careful I expect. And if I KNOW T is trying to engage kid, then someone shuts it down. Kid has come out lots unexpectedly when T talks bout something kid likes.
> I hated my little girl for the longest times. I wanted to kill her off because she seemed so pathetic in my eyes, and didn't have a lot to do with me. One day, and I don't know how, I stopped hating her and wanted to help her. I used one of my older girls to help her. You see, the littlest one really doesn't talk, she's just a pathetic, disgusting mess and represents the most hurting part of me.*Hmmm. We no longer want her to die. This is agreed. But we still don't like her. We just want her to shut up and stop wrecking us. Not very nice eh? She not very human to us.
>
> Just keep trying. I've spent years just reciting events, but sometimes now I can have the feelings too, which my T says is better. Rationally, I know this, but emotionally I'd rather be flat--it's much less painful.*Sigh. Hard , hard, hard.
I wished it weren't so hard.
Wish we could just say and it magically goes away.
>
> We are all here for you and we care a lot. Try to steer clear of self-destructive behavior. That may be coming from one of your kids, and you may be close, close to something because you recently got pushed over the edge with that teeny relapse.
> antigua*Bless you fpor that lovely post Antigua. Thats what I see so much of babblers helping each other.
This stuff is HUGE what you guys tell me. HUGE. I honestly dunno how I'd progress at all thru therapy w/o your guys help.
Thanks, and take care,
Muffled
Posted by Muffled on November 28, 2007, at 14:16:33
In reply to Re: processing? » Muffled, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 28, 2007, at 8:23:09
> this stuff can be terrifying, muff. What does your intellectual brain say and what does your heart say. When they are not one, well, that's when problems arise. I think it's important to take a firm grip on reality. The here and the now can never be taken away from you EVER. You will always exists in the here and now. I get some comfort from that. No matter where my imagination takes me, it will always return to the here and now.
*Sigh, thats one of my probs, I have spent so much time in denial, I do not know for sure what reality IS?
>
> and no, I don't think you're weird. you're special and different, and quirky, and unique, but not weird.*(( LL )) Thanks?LL !! LOL! :-)
> p.s. I don't get this "processing" stuff either. That was just the best word I could come up with at the time.
> p.p.s. the zyprexa is good . I don't have a hangover this am.
>
*yeah, there seems to be no magic answer....:-(
Hmmmm zprexa eh?....I see GP on Fri.
Thanks for input LL, I know you really having a hard time right now.
Take good care,
M
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