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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Muffled on November 24, 2007, at 23:50:11
1. What I s'posed to do now?(i told T some bout Thatkids memory picture stuff)
2. Can I just let Thatkids problem(her memory stuff) go now? Does it just be OK now and so it goes away? Can it stay not real and thats OK?
3. Is it just emotions come, emotions go....and we just get used to them w/time and practice?
4. What of the 'self destruct' part. Does that go away? Am I supposed to somehow make it go away? I wish it would go away. Cuz it seems that to hurt me is to hurt others and I can't abide that. So I try to hurt w/o hurting others. Maybe won't work in long run :-(
6. This new 'thing' is like the dumpmeitis 'thing', in that it went on and on, so illogical, in my head. It comes and goes. I think once I accepted that T not easily run away, then now I want to understand why not run?
Now its, WHY? That keeps cropping up. It makes no sense really, but part of me keeps yelling WHY? WHY? WHY? is she nice to us????? I can give a logical and proper answer, but I still can't seem to accept it somehow. Mebbe its in the same catagory as 'bad', and 'gross', maybe I just need to keep hearing stuff over and over (ad nauseum, AND w/o overkill...) until I finally 'hear' it and mebbe understand or mebbe beleive it or something? Its very illogical. AND annoying to me. I think it wants to know why, cuz it don't understand, and therefore its frightened/confused/threatened/suspicious by the ongoing niceness.
7. I dunno how I got so damn defective? I had good family. Lots of freedom. Nice house, pets, food, clothing, EVERYthing. Maybe its more a matter of me being just mental? I honestly can blame noone but myself for my misfortunes . Which is sorta annoying in of itself, cuz I been SUCH an idiot, and wasted such potential. God gave me everything good, and I f*ck*d it up. I still such a f*ck*p. I want to stop, but its who I am I suppose, all I've ever known. Not so easy teaching this old horse new tricks.....
8. Still not feeling very religious. Would like to settle that out somehow. I KNOW there is a God, ALL of us beleive that I think. But someboddy just so freakin pissed and won't get over it. How do I make her get over it?
9. So is it reasonable of me, though very unkind, to just tell hubby that NO GO no more EVER. And then once I can know he won't pressure me AT ALL, then I can at least cuddle anyways w/o fear? He keeps saying 'I guess I'll just have to stray then...', and he half serious, but not really likely to do so, but definately more at risk to temptation. Then I worry bout the preacher thing, how they molest kids cuz they celibate. I don't think hubby EVER do that, but I worry, and then I am SO utterly disgusted at myself for thinking such a thing at all about my dear husband who is SO kind. I can't seem to dissociate anymore, so what to do? I see NO answers that are very satisfactory. I feel so f*ck*ng defective. (if you'll pardon the pun)
10. So I AM trying to get ahold of GP re: meds....THERAPY SUCKS
M
Posted by Muffled on November 24, 2007, at 23:53:47
In reply to This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by Muffled on November 24, 2007, at 23:50:11
Posted by star008 on November 25, 2007, at 7:05:05
In reply to This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by Muffled on November 24, 2007, at 23:50:11
Therapy does suck muffled. And you T doesn't run because she likes you.. if you were too much for her or she really didn't like you she would refer you to someone else. Why did this happen to you when you had everything growing up and life was good??Who knows. But we know tht this is not how you wanted to be and if you could've made things different you would have.. maybe you made mistakes..We all have but with us there is something wrong in the way we are "wired""..Who knows.. some sh...t about neural pathways or whatever!! It is terrible, It is awful and no one deserves it.. I think we are sick just the way someone who has a physical illness is. I don't ask to wake up depressed.. My childhood was terrible but I think that even if it wasn't I would still have to deal with whatever is wrong in my brain or chemistry or whatever..And who is thatkid and why does she have memories and pictures if nothing ever happened??. No, she won't go away now but you already know that;(..
The self-destructive part? I am not sure how to handle it either. We know it isn't right.. I guess we just try to keep a handle on it and not let it hurt us. Easier said than done, I know.
hugs muffled
Posted by rskontos on November 25, 2007, at 14:34:28
In reply to Re: This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by star008 on November 25, 2007, at 7:05:05
Muffled, I agree with Star if thatkid has memories and pictures and you have so many parts, I would ask why myself. I think there is a reason that you don't know about and don't remember and may not ever. Did you read my thread where Twinleaf pointed out that some of the voices aren't happy or trusting yet where things in therapy are going. That maybe what is going on. thatkid isn't feeling safe or her/his memories are still locked up or feelings are not yet resolved enough to let it all go so you are still feeling so out of sorts and not safe with T yet. The fact you dissociated as a child and adult means something made you feel unsafe. What I don't know and maybe thatkid does and still feels unsafe. Let T help with that for now and see if thatkid can feel better. Then maybe you will. I will be the self destructive part is tied to whatever made you start the dissociation in the first place. I have it too and I have resolved myself to maybe never knowing but at some point hopefully feeling safe enough to let the bad part go. Therapy is hard that is what it is definitely. I guess necessary though. rk
Posted by Muffled on November 25, 2007, at 22:12:56
In reply to Re: This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by star008 on November 25, 2007, at 7:05:05
> Therapy does suck muffled. And you T doesn't run because she likes you.. if you were too much for her or she really didn't like you she would refer you to someone else.
*yeah...good point...
>And who is thatkid and why does she have memories and pictures if nothing ever happened??. No, she won't go away now but you already know that;(..*I dunno....I wish she would go away. Stay away forever. I DON'T want to 'hear' what she goto say, makes me SICK SICK SICK she does and that why she NOT us.
> The self-destructive part? I am not sure how to handle it either. We know it isn't right.. I guess we just try to keep a handle on it and not let it hurt us. Easier said than done, I know.
*I been doing good not letting it hurt me too much, but thats cuz I trying to not let it hurt others cuz others feel hurt when I hurt so I try not to hurt. If noboddy cared I would not be here.
> hugs muffled
*:-) Ha! Thx!
M
Posted by Muffled on November 25, 2007, at 22:33:04
In reply to Re: This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by rskontos on November 25, 2007, at 14:34:28
> Muffled, I agree with Star if thatkid has memories and pictures and you have so many parts, I would ask why myself.
*Its such a kid this bad part, I dunno that I'll evr truly know, kids perceive things differently. I don't like to feel what she feels :-(
>I think there is a reason that you don't know about and don't remember and may not ever.
*yup proly never will know, just know little bit. I not think of it cuz it bad bad bad and NOBODDY wanto hear it ugly bad sh*t it is, noboddy, it just should stay away from me.
>Did you read my thread where Twinleaf pointed out that some of the voices aren't happy or trusting yet where things in therapy are going. That maybe what is going on. thatkid isn't feeling safe or her/his memories are still locked up or feelings are not yet resolved enough to let it all go so you are still feeling so out of sorts and not safe with T yet.
*I think we pretty good w/T. But it is SO hard sometimes with splitness cuz there;s different opinions, and stuff going on in my head but I dunno what it is. Trouble and revenge and anger and some parts get mean to others and so much upset, and Thatkid has ugly feelings that make ALL alarms go off and then SO MUCH upset and different things going on. NO GOOD. So we got keep it down for a variety of reasons. This is why I think I need to medicate.
>The fact you dissociated as a child and adult means something made you feel unsafe. What I don't know and maybe thatkid does and still feels unsafe.
*Never felt safe, don't think, lotsa ways. I was little kid, packing a knife. Other kids got dolls, I got knife, ALL the time I have it, ALL the time.
>Let T help with that for now and see if thatkid can feel better. Then maybe you will.
*This where I get confused, how can I do this thing? ALL hate Thatkid. She gross. But its better, now we don't want her to die all the time, maybe we nicer to her some.
I will bet the self destructive part is tied to whatever made you start the dissociation in the first place. I have it too and I have resolved myself to maybe never knowing but at some point hopefully feeling safe enough to let the bad part go.
*Never know, maybe is better I think. I think self destruct is somertimes punish, and sometimes rage. 1 certain part makes it so, so NOT go there. Vomit.
>Therapy is hard that is what it is definitely. I guess necessary though. rk
*I hope it works so I can have peace some day. I wanto help others some day. I want to be a good Mom. I want to not be gross. I want to not feel inside I am bad, always I am bad. Deep inside this is how it is.
Hmmm.
Maybe this why I not understand why T stay. Cuz maybe I don't understand why she stay cuz I gross so bad. But she don't seem to see it that way, and I don't understand this, and she know some stuff, not much, but some. WHY she not go away.
I don't want to wreck her :-(
I like my T.
Hope you can find a good T RK, or that one you got will be OK. I think you goto go more cuz it WAAAAAY to scarey to not go regular. DEFINATELY there's parts that will NEVER trust unless its regular. Only recently, cuz it FINALLY be regular, some young part that was unhappy w/T is now OK I think.
Oh.
I just wish it would go away.
I wish you can have peace inside too.
M
Posted by JoniS on November 25, 2007, at 22:44:36
In reply to This is what I will send my T to discuss...., posted by Muffled on November 24, 2007, at 23:50:11
Hi Muff
You have lots to discuss don't you? Job security for your T. :-)
I'm sorry you're dealing with such negative thoughts about yourself, but I am so glad you & your T are working well together.
I know these discussion items are for your T,but here's my 2.5 cents. Sorry I don't know anything about ikids, but I do know the answer to your number:
3. YES. You got it Baby!
4. Yes, over time and work in t your self destruct will be overcome by your positive, strong sense of self thoughts.
5. ...Where is number 5?...
6. If you need to hear what you need to hear, don't worry. I have to be reassured still, after 4.5 years of working with T that he isn't going anywhere and I can see him as long as I need to. I guess this is a trust thing that takes how ever long it takes.
7. I strongly suspect that you are NOT "damn defective..." as you describe yourself. You just keep telling yourself these things cause you're holding on to old thought patterns. And why do they exist so strongly when you seem to have had a relatively good childhood? Aren't our minds about the most complicated thing you've ever come across? I think it's amazing what the Docs and Pdoc and Ts know. ...Back to negative thinking... in my case, I had a relatively good upbringing, but some serious disfunction in my parents and my family dynamics. Combine that with my tendency toward depression (seratonin shortage?) and my closest friend around age 14-16 constantly constantly put herself down. I learned well from her. I often tell myself why am I the way that I am? (such a low self-esteem) I have basically been telling myself "shut up and quit whining, so many people have it so much harder than you..." So, as usual, I compare myself to others and I don't measure up and it's all my fault and blah blah blah circular thinking. You said it's (negative self) all you've ever know and that you can't teach old horse new tricks. Well, let me just tell you that I am definitely years older than you and this "old horse" has learned and is continuing to learn new tricks! Yes, you can.
8. Give the God relationship thing time. Don't stress over it. I have been in a weird place myself for the last few years and I'm seeing that trying to push myself in a certain direction doesn't work. Go easy on yourselves :-)
9. You are NOT defective. You can work on this area and make both hubby & you much happier. You just need to be willing and have a gooood professional to help.
10. I get meds from GP - Internist too. No Pdoc but I like it this way. Works for me.This has been my 2.5 cents so you are welcome to throw it all away, it's muckity muck.
For me, Therapy doesn't suck, it's hard but it's one of the most important things to me in my life right now. I am so thankful for my T. I love him tooo much.
I love Babblers too. It's so good to have this place to come and talk.
Muff, I hope you're doing well. Keep up the good work.
((((((Muff))))))
Joni
Posted by star008 on November 27, 2007, at 0:32:58
In reply to Re: This is what I will send my T to discuss.... » star008, posted by Muffled on November 25, 2007, at 22:12:56
muffled.. ihave had one taht make me want to puke..lol.. I cam't get rid of them.. like it or not they are there for a reason if if we can't except it at the time.. I used to totally hate alot of my alters and totally disregard them.. I don';t as much now, but I used to.. and Yes, I hated her.. she made me want to puke.. She was just so damn yucky and nasty..that is not coming up as much now but it is stil there in the back. It will probably be easier to deal with later
Remember my friend, that she is a kind that lives within you.. YOu would never hurt a child would you?? YOu are not a mean person so it would make no sense to want to emotionally hurt this lost kid.. thank about it..thanks for your help if you really leave.. hope u stay.. u need us.. I need u
Posted by star008 on November 27, 2007, at 2:45:00
In reply to Re: This is what I will send my T to discuss.... » star008, posted by Muffled on November 25, 2007, at 22:12:56
Muffled please don't leave yet.. YOu need a sounding board.. I do find that babble triggers alot of stuff for me but IU can learn from the people here too..
I did feel about thatkid.. the sick sick yuck sick I don't want anythng to do with her. I don't know in your case but she just made me feel like total yuck. It is better now but the destractive part still wants to hurt them all. But think about the destructive part for aminute.. CAn you state a time period in you life when you were mean and could be mean to a little kid?? I bet not. But here we are wanting to mean to these little kids who did nothing but be little kids..Things happen to kids sometimes.. Awful things that make us feel yuck about themm.. Makes us feel sick and somehow we blame them.. But we can't blame little kids. I bet your mean destructive part isn't you at all but was taken on by some nasty person you came into contact with and introverted into yourself. Does this make sense to you??
This is the end of the thread.
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