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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:15
why does my heart hurt so bad.
is it because i want to let go....or because i can't.
Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 11:53:11
In reply to hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:15
It hurts because you have been hurt and feel you have no where to put the hurt. Write it all out and burn it maybe then you can feel free of the hurt. Destroy it the words of hurt. Maybe that will help. I understand the hurt I too hurt but don't hurt yourself hurt the abusers but getting better. You are special that baby girl is special. Your H loves you. I know you can't love you right now. Tell everyone inside they are ok. You are ok. Yes you are hurting but that will go away one day. You must relive it to release it. It is like cleaning out the closet you make a bigger mess to clean it all out. But you do get it clean and it is better afterwards. Same thing. Once all the hurt of the abuse is out you can cleanse yourself and your inner kids can relax too. All of you can heal or start healing. I know how you feel I am there too. We can make this on our own and together we will fight this!!! rk
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 11:58:58
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 11:53:11
i need stregnth. i need a strong soul to pick me up and hold me, and hide me from the depths within me.
things normally strong in my life become lithe from my touch.my soul feels malleable right now...i say i need to have a positive leader. yet when one arrives i reject it and succumb to the emptiness once again.
why is it so much easier to just not fight it.
Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 12:13:28
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 11:58:58
Because we long for the parents we never had. We long for someone to parent us now. To strong so we can stop for a while. To fight for ourselves for so long is tiring. That is why it is exhausting is why. We dont' get a break from it all is why. Our parents robbed us of being kids, carefree and fun. We want our fun in the sun, the carefree time back. But for us to obtain that we must heal ourselves too before we can have it all. That sucks.
I am sending you some strength of mine. Hug yourself for now. You are being positive by posting here and asking for help That is a postive thing. Dont succumb to the emptiness I wont let you. I am not going to do that and you are not either. You have too much to live for. You are one special woman I believe it. You have survived much and you have a purpose. I know it!!!!!
Dont reject this. Live by my postive cyber waves coming your way. You B2c are a strong soul one of the strongest I have met in a long time. rk
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 12:18:42
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 12:13:28
i only wish i was half of what you think i am....:(````
Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 12:27:24
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 12:18:42
You are!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
Here is a hug ((((((((((((B2Chica)))))))))))))))))
Here is some strength (((((((((((Strength)))))))))))))I know you can do this sweetie. You are strong. Look at how you have survived this far. You have been through alot and you have made it this far. My T says those of us that split and have these identities are very smart it takes a very intelligent brain to do this. It is a gift. So use your gift and survive longer. It might not feel that way I know I don't always feel like it is but survival is important. I don't want the abuser to win over you. It is important for you to win over them. I know there are many others that see what I see. Your baby, your H, your T, and all the other Babblers!!!! We all aren't wrong. Why do you think you are so bad. What exactly have you done right? Did you ask for the abuse. Heck no! You didn't create any of this pain. You are being the one that has to deal with it but you didn't create it. Someone else is responsible for that. It sucks but that is that. You can lick it . I know you can. You have many other times. Go with it but don't let it suck the life out of you. Feel bad for a while but take small baby steps to do something to get out of the despair zone. OK. Take irl little one for a walk and show her a pretty sky or a little bit of nature. Give what you were never given. A nice natural childhood. You can do it for her!!!
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:23:57
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 12:27:24
> Here is a hug ((((((((((((B2Chica)))))))))))))))))
oh i just feel SOOOO undeserving of that.
>> Why do you think you are so bad.
too many reasons.>>>Someone else is responsible for that.
no, its me. i carry the burden and responsibility of pain.>>Take irl little one for a walk and show her a pretty sky or a little bit of nature. Give what you were never given. A nice natural childhood.
i wish i could leave work and go get her right now. spend some last moments with her...it's when i'm holding her tight that i feel most right.
...but.
yes, she does deserve a good childhood. and i cry knowing that only with me around will she have a chance at that.
it pains me to stay, it pains me to go.
i ache so much i just want to whither away.i am so Utterly disgusted with my body right now. i want it to go away.
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:34:20
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:23:57
thank you RK for your comments. you are generous to talk with me when i need it. i'm afraid i just can't take in any complements right now.
But...i am glad you were here.
ok, i just need to stop this.i MUST take my meds. starting tomorrow. i can't keep living like this. i am in so much emotional pain i can't even stand to breathe. i just hope they kick in quick.
one thing after another has snowballed this death wish i have. Hormone changes-ending nursing,(also emotionally hard), job, misc. emotional pain, csa, DH stating repetitively he wants no more kids, sometimes i think he regrets this one...i don't care! she is the ONE and ONLY thing i have done that is right. it makes me so sad thinking she will never have a sibling. and sad that DH thinks more about the "responsibility' of having a child, than of the joys.
i'm understand totally if people don't want children...it's their right. their choice. but when we married he told me he wanted children. i find out from his mother that he never did. THANKS F_ING LLLIIIIIAAARRRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:49:47
In reply to Re: hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:34:20
i am just ruminating on this...on hurting myself. i need to stop.
i'm going to leave work and go to another lab for a few hours.
maybe a change in scenery will help. maybe not, who knows. but i need to try all the tricks cuz i'm going to do something i will regret if i don't.
and i KNOW i will regret it.
...what i would miss:my daughters first Christmas
" first day of school
" first date
" graduation
" marriage
" baby
ok, looking closer (near future)j
i would miss, tuesday night shows (house and L&O SVU), i would miss new episodes of family guy.
i would miss the first snow fall.
i would miss making my sketches into paintings
i would miss the next radiohead release
i would miss my nephew's HS graduation next may.
...i would miss babble.i'm clutching my baby girl's picture.
i see T tomorrow.
..i secretly wish she'd call me and make me go to the hospital...
Posted by Dory on October 29, 2007, at 14:06:22
In reply to hurting., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:15
Damn. i had written a lengthy reply... f*ck.
B2, sweet B2. i am so sorry for your pain. Please be gentle with yourself.
Is there something special you can do for yourself? Get your favourite flavour of ice cream? Hot bath and a glass of wine? Chocolate over-load?
moments of joy can be found... and that is what joy really is, moments here and there. There is no place called happiness, no destination or port. It's the single smile or moment of recognition of beauty. When we are depressed we overlook those moments.. we can't see through our pain.
please try to find some moments of joy.. even one. Your littleone's smile... the shape of a cloud.. anything which reminds you of the pure, simple joy of being alive. We are priviledged creatures.. even with all our pain we get to see the world like no other creature before us...
B2... i am going to be completely selfish.. i want you to survive and be here. Please find ways to be safe and be proud of surviving. You have done an amazing job of keeping yourself going... hold onto that.
Posted by seldomseen on October 29, 2007, at 16:03:17
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:49:47
B2,
I'm really worried about you right now. What you are going through right now sounds way more complicated than just depression.
Things will get better, but I want you to reach out to health care provider ASAP. How many weeks post partum are you?
Taking your meds in a good step, but it sounds to me as though you need to reach for a safety net that is out there for new moms.
Call your OB/GYN or go to the ER.
Things do not have to be this way, and this pain will ease. Reach out.
Keep posting.
You can and will be strong.
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 16:22:02
In reply to Re: stop thinking... » B2chica, posted by seldomseen on October 29, 2007, at 16:03:17
Seldomseen is right. I stopped nursing and was depressed too especially after my last child. I am so that your H is so negative about more children and sorry he doesn't seem to want this one but you need to seek help. Call you T now or go to ER. Check yourself in if you have too. Be strong for you and your baby. I am really worried that is why I kept talking and the compliments although I meant all of them. Please don't do anything bad. Take the steps to protect yourself. Please.......rk
Posted by Poet on October 29, 2007, at 18:06:37
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:49:47
Hi B2chica,
Please tell your therapist how bad you're feeling and I hope that she realizes that you are in a very fragile state. Maybe she can help you go to the hospital if you need to.
Take care. (((((B2chica)))))
Poet
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 29, 2007, at 18:14:08
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:49:47
I'm so sorry, B2. I know how you feel because I'm pretty much in the same place myself right now. I'd give anything to make it better for the both of us. You're making a valiant effort to handle it and I'm proud of you for that.
Please let me know how therapy goes and if you get any relief. I just got a Rx for Xanax and am hoping it will take the edge off.
(((B2Chica)))
Posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 10:12:53
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2007, at 13:49:47
b2chica,
you are a very special person. remember that SI is only one coping mechanism. maybe it's time to get more pharmacological support? an antidepressant? something for anxiety?I know that you are strong enough to muscle through these terrible times. I just wish that you didn't have to :(
take good care,
-Ll
Posted by B2chica on October 30, 2007, at 10:53:14
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 16:22:02
i thnk i'm doing better today.
i don't have recurrent thoughts of S.=good.
i'm not crying every hour=good
but i don't feel much of anything.
i think i numbed myself...
i can't get happy, but i can't get super sad (only medium sad...like the feeling you want to cry but can't) and no i haven't started my stupid AD yet...dang it i don't know why! i keep forgetting it in the mornign.
i think i'll put it in my purse tonight so that way "when" i forget to take in tomorrow morning i'll have it with me when i remember.thank you all for your caring comments...
Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 8:02:27
In reply to Re: stop thinking..., posted by B2chica on October 30, 2007, at 10:53:14
i saw T yesterday and it turns out that now she's out of the office wed-fri so she said i should email her if needed those days. she was SO sorry she missed my call and wanted terribly to call me but then she heard my "i'm ok message"....
i almost told her that i still wasn't. and wished she had. but i didn't.was little better yesterday but still down. and was able to talk about the difficulties over the weekend.
it was an ok session. but i still feel like i wasted a session because i didn't talk about past stuff.
oh...and i remembered to take my wellbutrin this morning...so we'll see how it goes...course the Rx is from last year, so we'll see if it works (i posted on meds board).
thanks for the support (especially you RK)
thank you.
b2c
Posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 11:49:29
In reply to just an update., posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 8:02:27
B2chica, you are so welcome. You do sound better I am happy about that. Sometimes not talking about the past is good. so I don't think it was wasted. Each session is good for different reasons. You said it was ok and sometimes that is enough. rk
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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