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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JoniS on August 19, 2007, at 19:10:51
I know it's totally unrealistic to expect any kind of relationship besides a professional theraputic one from my T, but I continue to long for something. Maybe it's to hear from him that he cares very much about me, I don't know if that would fill the hole or not. [he did tell me several months ago that he cares deeply and profoundly for me - do I need to hear it agaoin?]All I know is that I feel extremely lonely for him. I've read the self help books, I am grateful for the boundaries and the professonalism that he has, but I still want something ...
Maybe I need to read some of the old books I read a few years ago when I was recovering from my H's affairs. - About how people think the grass is greener with someone else, but IRL it really isn't. What will make me stop thinking my T is Mr Wonderful, and that he would never want to be with someone like me? I've even wondered if quitting t would help me get beyond this.
I know that a lot of people work through the loving feelings they have for their T, but I don't understand why it's staying with me for so long. I have talked about it with mine, but still the feelings remain. What is it that I want and how can I get it satisfied in a healthy way? I really wish I knew.
Posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:23:29
In reply to Lonely and needing a cure, posted by JoniS on August 19, 2007, at 19:10:51
JoniS,
I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if therapy is an addiction - something I need to wrench myself away from, because I want some indefinable thing from it and I'm just not getting it. I'm pretty sure that as I figure out more and more what I want, and I don't get it in therapy, I'll turn around and try to find it IRL. I'll have the support of my therapist as I stop and start and I'll run back to the fantasy occasionally because it is safer to want what I can't have than go try to find a way to get my needs met out there, in the real world.
That doesn't mean your feelings aren't real and aren't painful. Of course you are special to your therapist, which is great and awful too. How can you not want more? And it does seem like that special connection should be the best place to start a relationship. But the reality (which I know you know) is that it would destroy his life - his career and his reputation. So loving someone also means wanting the best for them. And this helps me when I get all caught up in thinking, "who do I think I am to have these feelings for him? He probably thinks to himself,'ewww'" It hurts less to think that he can't entertain the idea ever because of his ethics, not because I'm ugly, or damaged, or oozing neediness.
What to do with the feelings? I wish I knew. Sometimes I let myself love him without judging it and without worrying about what he thinks of this love. It is easier that way. It is "session" love -- and I can tolerate that. Most of the time I just think of him as my safe place and I try to keep from thinking about what else he has going on in his life. I think that is why I hate, hate, hate banging into some piece of information I'm not prepared for.
We've tried to talk about my revolving feelings of jealousy or possessiveness, but I'm so mortified I usually shut down. All I can say is that I know that it all comes from a deep well of need that feels mostly young and definitely wants to be rescued and protected from the hurts of life. Gradually I'm coming to accept that I have to do this for myself, which is heart breaking.
Gee Joni, I'm not sure I've helped at all. I just know how you feel and know how painful it is. I'm trying to believe that it works itself out, and running away isn't the answer.
Posted by muffled on August 19, 2007, at 22:52:30
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure, posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:23:29
>Gradually I'm coming to accept that I have to do this for myself, which is heart breaking.
**Yeah, I'm w/Daisy on that one....
It is tough.
But I think Daisy said good things.
And how can we NOT love the unconditional acceptance etc...
Sigh.
Part of me is so into the reality of who my T is as a real person. But part of me clings to the fantasy that she will give me this "?" that I seem to want/need. But she can't.
and as daisy said, its hard.
So I send you best wishes, and FWIW I think it does get easier as you get stronger in yourself, and the kid inside you gets more stabilized.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 20, 2007, at 12:37:01
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure, posted by muffled on August 19, 2007, at 22:52:30
Is it maybe a good thing that you can trust T enough to feel such deep feelings? I know it's painful, but your heart is whole and well enough to accept his caring.
Is it safer than real life? At least in real life you may actually get to find out whether love can prosper in a relationship. At least in real life there is the possibility of fulfilling the fantasies.
"working through it" sounds terrifying. I think I probably guard my heart to avoid all of this. But I worry about developing those feelings. What if it happens to me with my male T. I am scared to death of any kind of emotional intimacy. Boundaries I am very happy to keep.
I'm talking way too much about myself. I don't know what the cure is. Maybe the cure for being hurt is forgiveness. Maybe the cure for hate is compassion (even self-hate). Time to hit the self-help books again? I have a whole rack of psychology and buddhism books that I skimmed once and decided that the implications were too much to handle at the time. Thinking- oh, I'll deal with this later. Scarlet O'Hara-style. Of course, things didn't end up so well for her. Another parable of putting off emotional intimacy...
-Ll
Posted by JoniS on August 20, 2007, at 15:11:52
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure, posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:23:29
Daisy
Thanks so much for your reply it was helpful. Knowing that other people have similar struggles forces me to accept my feelings better and to go a little easier on myself.
... I get all caught up in thinking, "who do I think I am to have these feelings for him? He probably thinks to himself,'ewww'" It hurts less to think that he can't entertain the idea ever because of his ethics, not because I'm ugly, or damaged, or oozing neediness....
The only way I can deal with this is pretty much avoid thinking about it, so that's not really dealing with it, is it?
I've been going with the assumption that I can allow myself to feel my feelings for him and eventually they will change [and I'll get stronger and be able to "self soothe"], but they haven't. Then I go to the fat, ugly blah blah blah garbage thinking.
I guess I'm just repeating myself.
I really appreciate your reply.
Posted by JoniS on August 20, 2007, at 15:16:47
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure, posted by muffled on August 19, 2007, at 22:52:30
Thanks for your reply Muffled. I guess you're right about getting stronger, but will the kid in me ever get stabilized? I'm 46 going on 9. It's not fair, if i'm stuck at 9 why can't I have the tiny 9 yr old body?
Thanks for the warm words and best wishes.
Same to you!
Posted by JoniS on August 20, 2007, at 15:32:42
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 20, 2007, at 12:37:01
Thanks Llurpsie
I know it is safer than real life, a WHOLE lot safer. But you know what? I keep thinking I'll never pass this "semester" and move on. It's like other stuff in t, I don't know if this happens to you much, but I seem to contantly notice that "...oh yea, we talked about this before..."
Last time I saw him he pointed out how I was "inside his head" thinking I knew what he was thinking. (yucky thoughts about me, according to me) So I repeat the bad habits, I wonder why.
You're not talking too much about yourself, that's what this is about - shared experiences. If you're afraid of intimacy I hope this does happen to you, cause it's a growth opportunity and with a great T it's the safest place in the world to work through the feelings & experience more personal growth (because of the boundaries). [Not that I wish any discomfort on you] You'll grow even thought I stay stunted -- am I hopeless or what!
45 going on 9
Thanks for your reply, I get somehting from everyone.
Posted by RealMe on August 20, 2007, at 23:49:40
In reply to Lonely and needing a cure, posted by JoniS on August 19, 2007, at 19:10:51
JoniS
It is a pretty normal part of therapy to have feeling for your therapist, and it sounds like your therapist understands this. If your feeling about this are troubling you, then it is important to address them with your therapist including how it makes you feel to feel this way about him. This will allow you to explore where those horrible feelings about yourself come from. And, you will see that over time you will continue to have positive feelings for your therapist (and maybe some anger at times), but you will later feel okay about those positive feelings as that is what intimacy is all about.
Mind you I say this knowing from past experience and training that this is true. But I am currently going through the same thing, and so you are helping me by reminding me that it really is all very normal to feel that way about one's therapist. The relationship with the therapist in therapy is very important and is a large part of the "cure" so to speak. Take care.
RealMe (OzLand)
Posted by JoniS on August 21, 2007, at 20:37:16
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure » JoniS, posted by RealMe on August 20, 2007, at 23:49:40
Thanks for your response, RealMe. I know what you're saying, but since I've talked to him a lot about it, and it seems like after 4 1/2 years I'd calm down, but the feelings are still intense and I'm still feeling lonely and inferior.
And so I bang my head against a wall!
Joni
Posted by RealMe on August 23, 2007, at 20:16:37
In reply to Re: Lonely and needing a cure » RealMe, posted by JoniS on August 21, 2007, at 20:37:16
Four years may seem like a long time, but it took me longer to feel okay about my therapist years ago. The time factor is not what is important. But I guess you know that. I would be thinking that it has something to do with your feelings about not only your therapist but other important people in your life over the years. If you could try seeing if there is a link, or maybe you have already done that. Just a thought.
RealMe (Oz)
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