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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
I'm experiencing the weight and sadness of a Holiday weekend. This should be a happy time, putting up decorations and planning for Christmas. Every weekend for the next month is booked up for me, either with class or parties or something. So I won't have to be alone, right?
But I want to hide in my closet again. Only this time I really, really don't want to come out. I don't want to go to therapy and work on anything. I don't want to go to my office and face the unsolvable problems. I don't want to travel to a conference, I don't want to don't want to put up a Christmas tree.
I'm dealing with the nights by taking sleeping pills. But no one makes a pill for the daytime. I've been trying to sort out why I've slid into this hole again. Is it the nostalgia of this time of year? Is the backlash of my therapist's vacation? Is it being too busy to reach out for support? Is it having to put on a brave face with family and make everyone OK about my separation?
My therapist tried to remind me on Wed that my son needs me. I said it wasn't enough to dampen the pain. Right now I force myself up and I get through that day. But this time of year, one day at a time doesn't work. You are forced into long term planning. You have to make decisions. You are supposed to be happy.
I'm just not. I'm just tired. I'm afraid I'm going to decorate my Christmas tree with tinsel tears and broken hearts. Not very Ho Ho Ho.
Posted by annierose on November 24, 2006, at 18:03:52
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
I don't think you "have" to be happy. Don't put that burden or expectation on yourself. Make you expectation simplier --- whatever that means or makes sense for you. It could be, "I want to get through this holiday gathering without getting upset."
Is it okay to let your family and/or friends know that the seperation "is" hard for you, especially this time of year? You don't have to be brave. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on Daisy to be perfect and pretend that life continues to be a breeze. No one life is perfect, even your wonderful T. We all have our personal struggles and disappointments. I think your friends will and do understand how hard the holidays are after a seperation.
Do you have to put up a Christmas tree? Your children are older now --- they would understand. If it wasn't for my little boy who still believes, I definitely wouldn't put up a tree this year. In fact, I am so looking forward to the year when I don't have that pressure to decorate. Putting up the stuff is just one part, it's the putting away that is so much work as well --- without any of the joy!!
I wish we lived nearer. I wish I could be there for you. I would love to play a game of cards or any board game in your closet. We could have a glass of wine or two and enjoy the quiet and safety the closet provides. But eventually we would have to come out and join the world. We are loved and needed and cherished. Try to remember that.
I was putting on make-up before Thanksgiving dinner and my son came into my room. "Mom why do you put on make-up?" "So I look prettier." "Oh Mom, that's silly, you are perfect just the way you are. I love you so much." And that Daisy, is worth the struggle. You sons feel the same way. They wouldn't trade you for anyone else in the world. You are the most wonderful mom and they are loved and need your love to continue being the happy, productive people that they are.
Monday seems so far away. But you will make your way back to your t. We do. We just do. It may not happen in one session or two, but eventually the connection comes back. Your safety zone.
You are special to me.
Annie
Posted by SatinDoll on November 24, 2006, at 20:01:58
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
Hi Daisy,
Are holidays normally happy for you or do you think it is this year because of the separation? What is going on in your life is a huge stresser and it makes sense to me you feeling like hiding. That is what I like to do, just sleep the pain away.
I am not into the holidays either and I am sick of putting on the happyface for everyone. I am sick of going through the motions of it all. I think holidays can be happy times for most when their lives are going great, but it also can be one of the most painful times of the year for a lot of people.
I think without being with someone special especially during the holidays really suck especially when you look around and everone seems so joyful. You do have your son to hold tight, that is a plus.
I think when I have this in my imediate future, I am going to plan a vacation to a warm island and avoid the whole holiday thing. But then again, I probably won't because of the kids. But it is an idea.
Take care Daisy, when do you see your T next? I think he will be able to help you like he always seems to do. I am so glad you have such a special T. Plus he is back from vacation all rested up, so bring it on, he can handle all your pain. ((((((Daisy)))))
Posted by muffled on November 24, 2006, at 20:31:02
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
Oh Daisy, you seem to have fallen into the pit :-(
Sigh, its so hard. Allasudden your realize you fallen in. Thats why everything is SO hard.
But you will climb out again.
Please be kind to your self.
Don't hide away from your t or loved ones.
Holidays generally suck for me too.
I think I might do OK this Christmas?
HOPE so.
Thinking of you Daisy, hang in there.
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2006, at 21:05:40
In reply to Re: Just So Sad, posted by muffled on November 24, 2006, at 20:31:02
Holidays create a lot of stress for others too. I no longer put up a Christmas tree. Why because I don't want to. Too much work. And when I did it was never lit and in another room. Only did it when my kids were little and feel absolutley no guilt. We even had Pizza on Thanks giving. Why because we don't like turkey and my Daughter(grown) and my husband love pizza. So no stress there either. Love Phillipa
Posted by DAISYDAISY on November 24, 2006, at 21:59:32
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
hi daisy, im sorry you feel so sad...this is such a time of year, that so many peole feel that way...i know i have felt it too often, and the image of you decoratiing the tree with broken hearts and tears is very powerful and has me also in tears...you seem to have a gift of expressing yourself in words...
do you find writing helps you feel better...?
I wish i could be there and make your tree look pretty together, with fun and tears of joy and laughter instead of sad ones...
i hope you are feeling better with the love on these boards for you...
I agree with everything everyone has said to you...and i think Philipas sharing about the no tree at the mo in her house, and the pizza all because thats what she and her hubby and daughter wanted is so kool...i think you are all pretty kool but philipa just makes me smile..
i hreally hope you feel better somehow just rtying to be thankful for having small things like a house and running water , and heating and a bed ,a nd a computer to be on babble, and just the air we breath...i dont know your history , but i know when i can tell myself im lucky to have a home with hot running water to shower under, and all the mod cons, acar etc..i just feel better even if im alone...anyway i think you sound lovely daisy and i believe no matter how sad you feel, this too shall pass eventually and you will smile once more, and laugh and have fun and joy...take care plz of yourself...you seem very special..
Daisydasiy ( named after the song...give me your ansa true..do you know it? .. x
Posted by Poet on November 24, 2006, at 22:27:50
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
Hi Daisy,
One of the reasons I hate this time of the year is that the world is supposed to instantly turn into a greeting card photo. Dad in his red sweater, mom in her pearls, Daughter in her sweater and son in his baseball cap grinning at the camera. Pleeh (sound of sticking my tongue out.)
That wasn't my family, the greeting card family doesn't fight, no one grumbles about his/her lousy gift and the cat doesn't throw up on the new comforter or worse, yet, pee on something.
I don't think you should decorate a tree at all. It's work that you don't need right now. If your son asks where the tree is, tell him that you'll take him to pick one out and it's his turn to decorate it. Take the burden off yourself, Daisy, you have way too much on your shoulders without adding holiday guilt to it.
Life is not a greeting card unless it's one of those sarcastic ones.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 23:55:13
In reply to Re: Just So Sad » Daisym, posted by annierose on November 24, 2006, at 18:03:52
Thanks all. It always helps to have people remind me that I don't HAVE to do everything.
But I do have to decorate and put up a tree. It isn't fair to the kid, and besides, eventually I'll be glad I did. He'll help, he promised.
We went tonight to buy new stockings. All the Christmas stuff is packed away, over at his dad's. He was sad for a little while but he agreed that it is too painful to go over there and split stuff this year. I can hope that my husband will take the high road and offer stuff but I'm not holding my breath.
I just need to shake the suicidal feelings, stuff them back into their box again. If I let myself, I feel so calm with the plan all laid out. I can feel the relief and it is seductive. No more pressure, no more sadness, no more memories.
I am supposed to check in with my therapist tomorrow. I'm trying to be honest with him, but at the same time I know we've been here before and I've made it through, so it seems kind of stupid to dump it all on him. I hate feeling like this.
I'm sorry if I reminded anyone of hard holiday stuff.
Posted by annierose on November 25, 2006, at 7:18:16
In reply to Re: Just So Sad - slight trigger, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 23:55:13
I hope you do talk with your t today --- don't let your voice mail pick up the call. You need to reach out for him. He will help calm your fears.
Your husband probably isn't even thinking about the Christmas decorations (unless he is really into it). I understand you not wanting to go down that road just yet, making the phone call, having to walk inside your house as if you were a stranger. Getting new stuff starts your new traditions!
Was last weekend's conference upsetting to you? Did it bring up more stuff?
Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 9:50:04
In reply to Re: Just So Sad - slight trigger, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 23:55:13
Daisy, I don't know if I have anything of value to say. I'm not feeling very capable of being helpful right now.
I don't know if your marital home was anything like my parents. But at my home growing up, the Christmas season was both magical and awful. Magical because a few days before Christmas, my father's mood would lift, and he'd be the happiest he'd be all year until a few days after New Years. And awful because the stress would have him and my mother fighting worse than usual.
I know it's hard to face Christmas for the first time in your own apartment, with a divided family. But if your family was like mine, there might be a brand new peace to Christmas that you might find more in keeping with the season.
It's going to be hard, no doubt. Change is always hardest at the time of year when tradition rules. But maybe it'll be a time of year to carve out new traditions. Ones that are meaningful to you in this stage of your life, and that will remain meaningful as you continue to grow and blossom. Maybe traditions having to do with hope. I know you aren't feeling hope, but it's amazing how those traditions work sometimes in instilling a bit of the qualities you might need to pretend at first.
Can you think of anything even marginally related to Christmas that you can incorporate as a symbol of peace and hope that would be meaningful to your own journey? You have a real knack for that. I've always been impressed with your ability to choose meaningful gifts for your therapist. Could you choose a meaningful gift for yourself?
Posted by antigua on November 26, 2006, at 11:15:54
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
Daisy,
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I agree with Dinah. Make some new traditions for this time of the year. The first year is always the hardest and as a kid I remember my mother saying that she couldn't do all that work, so we were going to do something different and fun. It was different, but the fact was that our life WAS different and pretending it was the same made it all so much worse. It was very hard--it's never easy, is it? but we got used to new traditions.Do something you've always wanted to do. I remember my mother took me to the ballet. I remember that more than the decorations or anything else.
Love to you. Sorry I've been absent. I promise to write more soon.
Antigua
Posted by antigua on November 27, 2006, at 7:40:16
In reply to Re: Just So Sad, posted by antigua on November 26, 2006, at 11:15:54
What was it like when your father left when you were young? Did your mother carry on like a trooper? How did it make you feel? All these feelings could be coming to the surface even though you are on the other end this time.
antigua
Posted by Daisym on November 28, 2006, at 0:01:44
In reply to P.S. Daisy, posted by antigua on November 27, 2006, at 7:40:16
I'm rolling this around in my head -- My mother carried on like a trooper, of course. Of course she did. And we were all to carry on as well. I remember two things very well - I was sick when he left and I didn't get to say good-bye. He was just sort of gone. And I didn't see him again for almost 5 years.
And I remember feeling as split after he left as I did when he was there. I missed him so much and yet I was so relieved. I sort of didn't know what to do with myself.
But I think there is a correlation here. Back then, I couldn't begin to think about a future at all until the abuse stopped. I was simply dealing with it all. And the same has been true for my marriage. So now that I have all this time to myself, I can actually grieve for all the past hurts and sad events. And I can grieve for the dreams that never came true. And I can be angry for lots of things.
What I can't shake is this feeling that I'm flawed and deserve to be unhappy. I felt like this the summer my dad left. I still feel like this.
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2006, at 13:20:17
In reply to Re: P.S. Daisy » antigua, posted by Daisym on November 28, 2006, at 0:01:44
Hi Daisy,
I am sorry that the holidays are hard to deal with this time. I hope it will be better the next time around.I also wanted to share something that worked for me in getting out of my struggle. I did some sort of crash therapy here at babble. I don't know if you remember, but everyday, I would post tons of posts, getting everything out. I had written here so much non stop. I think I did it for nearly 6 months or so. And then, at some point, I told myself: Allright, whatever happened has happened. Let me not focus too much on it anymore. By then, I had gotten enough stuff out from my mind and had gotten enough consolation from you folks.. And then, it was easy to focus on other things, because I guess in my mind I felt like all the hurt had been given attention to and I had folks feel sorry for myself for long enough. And then I stopped hurting. There were other things that helped immensely like support from my husband and spirituality. But I think saying to myself that it was enough at some point helped me.
Why I am saying this is, sometimes, if we keep focussing on negative things, and things that happened to us, and how it affected us too much, then it doesn't lead us anywhere. It is like, to drive away darkness, we need to bring in light in the room. We cannot drive away darkness by focussing on darkness more and more. At some point, after some amount of introspection and understanding why we hurt, then it might be better to stop focussing on the hurt too much. Of course, it takes some time, before we get to the point, and I am not sure if you are there yet. But at some point in the future, when you think you have dealt enough with the past, I think it would perhaps do you good to not look back any further. Because, sometimes, so many bad things happen to us in the past, that to try digging them all out means a lot of reliving of the hurt, and all that bad things keep coming non stop. At some point, we just have to stop digging further into ourselves, and just close the hole after understanding why it was there, and then move on. Further digging may not provide any value. But only you and your therapist can be the judge when that time is right though. I just wanted to share what I did.
Posted by Daisym on November 28, 2006, at 18:14:35
In reply to Re: P.S. Daisy » Daisym, posted by orchid on November 28, 2006, at 13:20:17
I appreciate you taking the time to write all that and to share. I agree that looking back is not the way to go forward. And I also agree that once you've had enough witnesses to your pain, you can put it away, because it is a part of you, not all of you.
I'm trying not to wallow. I'm just trying to find myself. It is hard to know who you are when your history is a lie and you feel like a complete fake shell. There was a point where I needed to remember everything and talk about it. Now I just want the pain of knowing to go away.
I'm glad you found your way and things are better. You are lucky to have your husband's support and to feel a powerful spiritual connection. I know you worked hard to create these things for yourself. Be well.
Daisy
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2006, at 20:01:32
In reply to Re: P.S. Daisy » orchid, posted by Daisym on November 28, 2006, at 18:14:35
Yes I can understand that you are not trying to wallow. In fact it takes quite a bit of time and consolation from others to even reach the point where it is ok to not look back. But at some point in the future, when the time is right (you will have a feel for it i think ), remember that healing comes only from positive things, and not by digging further. Whenever I tried to do it prematurely I would always fail. But when the time was right, I knew I had to stop myself from digging further - it was a huge attempt to not let myself focus on negative things even then, but I made up my mind, and it worked.
I didn't work hard to deserve anything. Whatever I got, I think I got only from God's mercy. Before that, howmuchever I tried, I ended up failing miserably.
>
> I'm trying not to wallow. I'm just trying to find myself. It is hard to know who you are when your history is a lie and you feel like a complete fake shell. There was a point where I needed to remember everything and talk about it. Now I just want the pain of knowing to go away.
>
> I'm glad you found your way and things are better. You are lucky to have your husband's support and to feel a powerful spiritual connection. I know you worked hard to create these things for yourself. Be well.
> Daisy
Posted by muffled on November 28, 2006, at 23:14:48
In reply to Re: P.S. Daisy » Daisym, posted by orchid on November 28, 2006, at 20:01:32
Daisy,
Am I flawed?
Do I deserve to be unhappy?
If I'm not.....then you not.
If you not.....then I not.
Sh*t, always easier the other way round isn't it?
Yeah. Thats sad bout your marriage, guess you'll have to work thru that. Gonna be lots of emotions. I think you right bout that allright.
And you will learn.
And grow.
(((Daisy)))
Muffled
Posted by happykat on November 29, 2006, at 20:47:17
In reply to Just So Sad, posted by Daisym on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:51
Hi Daisy,
I'm sorry that things are rough for you right now. I want you to know how truly appreciative I am that with all you're going through you answered my post on body memory.
Sometimes its just a rough road we have to travel down to get to where we need to be.
For what its worth, here are two of my favorite quotes that I sometimes like to refer back to when things are rough:
"There is nothing the body suffers which the soul may not profit from." -George Meredith
"Freedom is what you do with what others have done to you." -Jean Paul Sartre
I hope you are feeling better : )
happykat
This is the end of the thread.
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