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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
Maybe it was the concern in my pdoc's face.
I guess there's no pill for this kind of stuff (childhood trauma). I couldn't imagine being a pdoc and not having a way to fix people who were hurting like me. :(
Anyways, the other thing that is hard is that it's a lonely thing. Symptoms are "easy" in that sense. Most everyone can relate to insomnia, or having jitters, or a tummyache, or even to being depressed. Nobody can be inside of my head, reliving horrible moments at the tiniest little trigger.
I spend my whole day today trying to numb myself, but my heart is racing. I'm shaking. I hold onto my knees to tell myself that I'm here. HERE. Two feet on the ground. Safe. Somehow... it's not safe from myself.
At least I can think today. I'm at that point where thoughts are coming from all directions, but at least they are trying to organize themselves to make a coherent dialog.
I'm in one of my metaphoric moods. That means that I want to respond to everyones posts using dumb metaphors.
Well, why not start with my name?
I went with my mom to Germany this summer. I realized for the first time that this was her "safe place". A family lived on Lindenstrasse 40 years ago, and have welcomed 3 generations of our family to live with them, because they cherish my mother so. She couldn't get that love and acceptance in her marriage. She was constantly belittled and struck out in blind rage against her oppresor/s. On Lindenstrasse, she learned what a family's love for their child feels like. Hearing the old woman speak this summer, about her childhood growing up in the 3. Reich, and her years with my mom in and out of her household, at the family weddings and funerals. Well, I realized that my mom was cherished and loved and "held" by this woman, and her children's families, and their children also.
I just want to be a blossom in my mom's safe place. Just to watch. Just to see and understand how that kind of love can change a person from bitter and enraged to tender and loving. Just to understand how my mom was never allowed to flourish in the household where she chose to raise her own children.
-Li
Posted by toetapper on September 21, 2006, at 18:11:55
In reply to Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
Some of the meditators probably know the real term but the same thing happened to me two weeks ago when I finally let something come to the surface, I was told it was Tibetan Winds or something like that. It was so bad I couldn't even take my meds the next day, and was so thirsty I couldn't stop drinking water. Couldn't eat though. My friend just kept telling me to let it come, let the poison out.
I think we are in similar places of surfacing, it passed after a few days for me but I still feel really "off". Weepy, headachy, tired. Make that exhausted.
I'm glad you said what you did about your pdoc, I mistook the look on my pdoc's face as disgust or whatever. I like your interpretation a lot better.
Posted by Poet on September 21, 2006, at 21:31:28
In reply to Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
Hi Li,
You're right, no one can be inside your head reliving those things. That you told your pdoc amazes me. I keep everything tight inside until I explode in anger. Anger is one emotion I can feel.
I hope you can blossom in a *safe* place by drawing on the good memories of being with your mother in Germany.
Take care. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.
Poet
Posted by muffled on September 22, 2006, at 13:32:07
In reply to Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
Li, i don't think you quite realize how special; you are. Thinking of others so much.
Its kinda crazy when stuff comes from all directions, but you seem to be able to sort it quite well.
Its craziness, but it will pass.
Yea, try and beleive it.
Sometimes the worst f*cking crap in our lives, while it f*cks us up royally, ends up making us better people in the end.
Much wiser in so many ways.
Mebbe way more understanding and stuff.
Its just a matter of wading thru this sh*t and comming out on the other side and washing it all off.
Yea, you ain't the only one in metaphore mode!
I love metaphors. I think they ,make it easier to understand stuff.
I was into turtles at my last session, my T was getting right into it ! LOL! So was I ! It was kinda funny looking back at it. LOL
So I'll see ya, going away this weekend, w/kids,w/some misgivings. Lots of health sh*t this week, and mental sh*t too.
Oh well.
See ya,
Take care,
Think about turtles!!!!LOL
Muffled
Posted by Daisym on September 22, 2006, at 22:44:54
In reply to Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
"Anyways, the other thing that is hard is that it's a lonely thing."
Yes -- it is. It is very lonely - just as it was then. One of the most powerful things that begins to happen, at least in my experience, is that you feel the things you most likely felt back when your trauma was happening. Like fear, loneliness, shame and anger. There could be somatic memories eventually as well. So the process of working through it all is unpredictible and you have to forge the path yourself. But you aren't truly alone for any length of time -- and you just need to keep reminding yourself of that. You have your husband, your family and us! I can't begin to tell you how many long (LONG!) posts I wrote about my journey - I shake my head now.
There are no short cuts on this journey, and you need to be very kind to yourself right now. You are in shock, in every sense of the word. Sleep a lot, eat right and let yourself mourn. And try to look for things that make you smile too.
My soothing thing was to eat cream of wheat. Do you have a favorite food or activity? It is the little things that help.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 22, 2006, at 23:08:04
In reply to Re: Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger** » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on September 22, 2006, at 22:44:54
thanks Daisy
((((daisy))))
I just ate gummi bears. I had gelato too. it's good comfort food. I guess I like sweets.
Cream of wheat might be healthier though... but gummi bears are cuter :)
I'm getting a new T next week. This is pretty wierd for me right now. Coming home from work, I felt like I was in some nightmare and the only way to feel "real" was to hurt myself. then I felt pretty... well. angry. listening to angry bartok string quartets. really agitato. and then. kind of mellow. even... happy! yeah! gummi bears. and I called a friend from college and told her what's up with me, in the vaguest sense. She says well... at least you weren't diagnosed with mild schizophrenia (like she was at age 17)... I said... um, no. that's a good point. And then we talked about the dating scene. I felt like me again ((((((me))))). I like talking with people who know me independently of my family or my marriage. That way I don't have to wonder what they will tell my mom or my husband.
hmmm. I think it's a good time to take a sleeping pill. my pdoc upped my seroquel. (((pdockery))). Can't he give me an anti-flashback pill?
Anyways, my old T said today at my final session that he was going to get in touch with my new T and try to recommend sessions 3-4 times a week for the short-term. I guess everyone's kind of worried about me right now. I'm kind of ... euphoric ... WTF? hmmm. Linkadge may be to blame. I tried his chocolate experiment on the Alternative board. mmm.
okay enough silliness. off to bed with me. All in all, a pretty damn good friday night. no flashbacks, no bodily harm imagined or committed, no weepy fests. what will the morrow bring? hell if I know?
-Li
Posted by sunnydays on September 23, 2006, at 10:07:29
In reply to Re: Okay, it's starting to sink in **trauma trigger** » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on September 22, 2006, at 22:44:54
You know, Daisy, I was just thinking earlier that I missed your long posts... they helped me know that what I was doing was normal. So thanks for those. :) But I suppose it's good that you're feeling secure enough now in what you're doing that you don't feel the need to post such long posts. Right now I'm struggling a little because I can't seem to FEEL much of anything... and I'm wishing I could. Oh well, my therapist says it'll come when it's ready.
sunnydays
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