![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 17:07:53
Sorry I'm slow these days. I seem to have run out of steam during these past three weeks. I'm still pretty sick and am just getting back into seeing my T (and back to a minimum base-line of health needed for everyday functioning). I feel like I fell off the face of the planet for the past few weeks. I'm still quite unwell (on top of my ongoing medical thing) but I'm not so shackled with the depression that comes with dip-downs in my health.
I saw my T once last week, and we met in a collegue's office because his office was being redone. He said that my need for comfort inspired him to make his office seem more inviting and comfy. So he had it changed. When I went in today it was totally different. Before it was kind of sterile, but now there's a new furniture set, new bookcases, a tv. Everything is facing "the wrong" ways. It looks like a living room in a model home.
I didn't think that I'd find it so disorienting but I was having an impossible time pulling words out of my head -- sentences were practically impossible. Do you ever think that someone doesn't seem like the same person cause they sit in a different position in a different place? It was just weird to see him sitting sideways on a love-seat with one leg pulled up underneath, and one arm extended across the top of the back. I thought it even made his voice sound different! Silly. Does anyone else find it weird when T's redecorate?
He gave me a letter he wrote about how I make him find our meetings confusing. He said that while I'm helping him make changes in the way he acts and does therapy (which he told me he thinks is for the better), he said that I have done nothing to seem as friendly as him. And so he is confused about if I'm worth "the effort". I know I'm not explaining this properly. (Even my brain is rusty now, I'm usually pretty good at remembering his exact words) Anyways, he said that if I want him to act friendly and not be like all the other physicians I've had who are silent and cold and ignore me, that I have to act more like a friend myself. I appoligized because I've been so sick and had to miss meetings after he returned from vacation. He said not to say sorry for that, but to push myself more now -- now that I'm a little improved. So he said I need to work on spending time with him outside of the office environment so that he will be able to see me more as a friend. I told him that there's only so much I can handle (even on good days) becasue I don't move very well. So we decided that I'd start with going to the movies (cause I've backed out of that alot before). Plus it's my birthday this week and he said that we should do something different to mark its occasion -- though I really really hate my birthday. Blech!
THe one thing I felt really great about was that he thanked me so much for helping him get through some tough personal stuff he's been going through lately. (I can't remember if I've said specifics about that on here before so I won't get into the details) But there was one thing about it that freaked me out.
When he was telling me some stuff, and as we were talking through it, he started crying -- honest tears. Now, I know on here I've always been talking about how afraid I am of too much physical contact, or seeming like I have no choice to do more, but as I was watching him weep I had the overwhelming urge to reach over and kiss him on his head -- like you'd kiss a little one. I saw myself doing it in my head, I was sooo close, but I didn't end up doing it. I felt really guilty at the time cause I probably seemed so cold. Instead, I came at him with regurgitated therapist phrases like, "Where are those tears coming from?" or "What were you thinking when she said that?"...and so on. I must've sounded like an idiot. I let him hug me for longer than usual though. He said I helped.
But now I keep remembering that I was almost the one to push our level of contact further. ME?! I feel like I should be afraid of myself now, not him? What's wrong with me?
ANd then just one other aspect. I always have an uncontrollable urge to fix wounded people -- probably how I wish dr's would fix me. I have the biggest need to offer comfort. I can't stand watching others misery or pain. It's almost worst than my own. THis is going to sound so terribly disgusting. But, if he cries very many more times I think I'll initiate "other stuff" -- to give him something else to feel, but also just to stop him from crying cause I find it a bit frightening to witness him like that. So dumb -- as though my broken, ugly body could take away the influence of some confrontation in his real life!! I'm so backwards. Ewwww, I'm so so gross.
Why is this happening in my brain? How can it be two things at once?! How can I still not want to have an intimate relationship (which I don't think he's interested in pursuing anymore anyways), be afraid of it, while at the same time see the possiblity that I could be the initiator?! I don't I don't I don't understand!
My brain hurts from just writing all this out. Sorry, I should've put all the questions at the end -- man I'm even rusty when it comes to writing on here. Even my T has noticed that I don't have any diary entries to read to him. [sigh] I've missed having the brain power to write to all of you :-) I hope I didn't poison you with all the pain I've had lately. I'm sorry.
Elaine
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 17:21:26
In reply to Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 17:07:53
What you wrote here disturbed me more than anything else you've ever written about him.
I think you need to look for a therapist, and keep this guy just as a friend. What he's doing isn't therapy, at all. And you could probably use a therapist to help you cope with things.
What resources do you have in your area to find low cost or no cost therapy?
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 17:22:46
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 17:21:26
Caveat. I'm just going on what you tell us about your relationship, and it doesn't sound like therapy. I shouldn't give such definitive advice, so I revise that to please find a therapist to consult with and see if an outside therapist would be helpful to you.
Posted by sunnydays on August 15, 2006, at 18:02:23
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 17:22:46
((((ElaineM))))
Your situation sounds so difficult. But a therapist should never ever ever want to be your friend outside their office. That is not their job. Their job is to see you in their office to help YOU get better, not for you to meet any of their needs at all. Even if I thank my T for something he is soooo clear that he appreciates my thanks, but that he doesn't need them, and that I absolutely do not need to thank him for him to feel like an adequate T. So for you to be helping him with his personal life just seems completely inappropriate to me. Sorry to be so blunt, but I care about you and don't want you to get involved in a situation that is in any way hurtful to you.
sunnydays
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 19:23:41
In reply to Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 17:07:53
> Does anyone else find it weird when T's redecorate?
It's always disorienting, it just throws some people more than others. I've discussed this with my T when she's made changes. The funniest part of this was when she'd made changes she added a lamp in the waiting room. I noticed it wasn't assembled properly so while I waited I took it apart and put it back together correctly. Then I felt I had to explain what was wrong at the start of the session...
>
> He gave me a letter he wrote about how I make him find our meetings confusing. He said that while I'm helping him make changes in the way he acts and does therapy (which he told me he thinks is for the better), he said that I have done nothing to seem as friendly as him. And so he is confused about if I'm worth "the effort".That's just awful. You're under no obligation, either as a client or a friend, to act according to his notion of "friendliness." Similarly, he shouldn't dump on you his doubts about whether *he* is getting what he wants from you, particularly if he insists on continuing to be your therapist. Even from a "friend" this would be a bit much...
>So he said I need to work on spending time with him outside of the office environment so that he will be able to see me more as a friend.
Spending time with a therapist is NOT something a T should ask you to "work on." A T might ask you to work on things outside the office and may even participate in those things, but always with the goal of helping you face some fear or learn some skill. Making him more able to view you in some certain way doesn't fall into such a category!
> as I was watching him weep I had the overwhelming urge to reach over and kiss him on his head -- like you'd kiss a little one.
Addressing only that urge... it's very natural on your part and completely innocent.I do have to wonder whether he is *trying* to elicit such a response. Whether your T thinks he needs a mother, lover or a friend, it's simply wrong for him to use your therapy sessions to manipulate you into any of those roles!
> But now I keep remembering that I was almost the one to push our level of contact further. ME?! I feel like I should be afraid of myself now, not him? What's wrong with me?
>
Nothing! What's wrong with *him*?> THis is going to sound so terribly disgusting. But, if he cries very many more times I think I'll initiate "other stuff"
The fact that you're thinking this way is proof of how inappropriate your T's behavior is!
You really do need to make a choice. If you're going to do any real therapy with him, he must put a stop to the demands he's placing on you to be there for him. If you cannot ask him to do that, you may choose either to continue a friendship (in which I'd imagine would continue to be manipulative, or at least place heavy emotional demands on you) or not -- but either way, with someone else as your therapist.
> Ewwww, I'm so so gross.
>
(((Elaine))) Not at all... you're ill, not getting all the help you deserve, being asked by your T to carry unreasonable emotional burdens and all of that is colliding with your empathetic nature.> I hope I didn't poison you with all the pain I've had lately. I'm sorry.
Fear not, you didn't. And especially don't apologize... we just hope we can help you out. You're a good friend to people here and we care about you, so keep us up to date when you can!
Posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 20:20:56
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2006, at 17:21:26
After being on Babble for awhile now, I fully admit that we do not have a normal relationship at all. I just wonder if I'd be better at it (or if I wouldn't have messed it up, or let it get so twisted) if I had more experience with male T's. Or even men in general. I was always very silent and pliable in relationships -- or at least throughout the last real one I had. I've not talked about anything to do with it here yet. Maybe occassional hintings, but nothing beyond that. I just want to learn how to act properly. I mean, I was sent to him on purpose. LadyT picked him to send me to because I was running from all males in the world. I don't want to keep doing that.
When I hear others here explain sessions it sounds nothing like mine. And I do wish that I could have "good sessions" where you learn something, or realize stuff. For me, it's more just like general support. I consider that therapeutic because if I didn't have him right now, I'd have nobody at all. And I'm sure I would've at least attempted to kill myself by now if I had gone through the beginnings of my illness alone.
Can it ever work out well by us fixing each other? Isn't that therapeutic -- to learn that I can help another person, and seem an equal. I sometimes even wonder if a physical relationship would be therapeutic -- especially since he says that he'd never ever leave me, or hurt me. I don't know.
It is confusing though. Sometimes as though boyfriend/therapist/best friend roles are all combining and coming out at different times. He even acts like a social worker -- he's the liason between my medical specialists. He's very involved that way. Part of it that makes it ideal (when it's working nicely) is that I only have to make one trip to him every other day. I don't move well when I'm going through a bad period -- it was hard enough to add in all my appointments with LadyDoctor when I was still seeing her.
One good thing is that I actually called the number of another physician that she gave me when she returned my email a few weeks ago. It was really scary, but I practised doing it and actually made the call. Our first meeting is in October (and I'm worried about this gap) but at least I'll have a new female physician who knows my old Doctor. I miss her soooooo much. So I did something good for once!
EL
Posted by annierose on August 15, 2006, at 20:39:33
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » Dinah, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 20:20:56
It would all be okay if he was your boyfriend and acting in this manner. BUT ... and it's a GIANT BUT ... he is supposed to be your therapist.
I do hear where you want/need support. But the kind of support you think he is giving you is not of the theraputic variety.
I don't think you could find ONE and I do mean just ONE other therapist who would agree that his behavior is ethical. That says a lot.
I wish you could find a therapist and keep your "t" (and I am using that term loosely) as a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I'm not being more supportive. I wish I could find the words to be more supportive. I know you need support. And I'm glad you feel that from him.
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 21:27:08
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » Dinah, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 20:20:56
> I just wonder if I'd be better at it (or if I wouldn't have messed it up, or let it get so twisted) if I had more experience with male T's. Or even men in general.
(((Elaine))) This is not your fault at all. The man is supposed to be a professional, and he's violating the ethics of his profession. Those rules are not contingent on clients having experience with therapists. So perhaps it might have gone better had you come to him with a different set of experiences... but then again, if you already had those experiences you probably wouldn't have been convinced you needed to try working with a male T!
> I mean, I was sent to him on purpose. LadyT picked him to send me to because I was running from all males in the world. I don't want to keep doing that.
That's fine. However, we're saying that *this one* male happens to be your T, and isn't playing fair. You want to learn how to act around men, and what you should be hearing from lots of folks here on Babble is that your current relationship with him looks dangerous. You said you were excessively pliable in past relationships, and here your T is twisting you in knots yet again. You really should take a stand for yourself. He should be your T, or he should be your friend or even lover, or he should be thrown out of your life. The way things are now, he shifts from one role to another at his own whim, and has you feeling as if you owe him something. That's unfair to you.
You really need to work out what you really need from him, and act accordingly. And forget what he "needs" from you. That's a string he uses to make you dance to his tune. I know it runs against your nature, but it will be best for both of you if you can look honestly at what you want and demand from him the respect your decision should command.
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 21:27:50
In reply to Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 17:07:53
Posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 22:41:42
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by sunnydays on August 15, 2006, at 18:02:23
Thanks for the hugs Sunny.
>>>But a therapist should never ever ever want to be your friend outside their office. Their job is ... to help YOU get better
I realize that he is not just my therapist. He's maybe 40% T 60% friend -- I think. If I had a regular friend, in real life, come to me with a problem, it'd be really good for me to be able to help. To learn how to talk to someone like that. To not panic when someone else has a problem. To take part in a give and take, and not just a taketaketake. I would think that that was therapeutic. But I don't have a "real" life that way. So, I think that's why he's made it okay to combine the two with me. The only good feedback - the only feedback at all -- that I get in life is from him. The only interaction I get is with him -- so he's my only opportunity at having a relationship with someone.
>>>So for you to be helping him with his personal life just seems completely inappropriate to me.
I don't mind about the bluntness. I don't think he intended to have all the personal stuff burst out that day. But it did, and so we talk about it now. He deserves help with problems too. I asked him before if he would like me to go with him to see a T of his own, and he said No, That it wouldn't be looked upon kindly by others -- he's kind of respected here. I suppose that's why LadyT picked him. And it makes me feel better about demanding so much from him myself. He did say that he felt very naked after doing it, and he even apoligized a few times (especially with me doing so poorly lately). But it happened.
And nobody has ever talked to me seriously. As though I'd be a person who'd say something valuable back. No one has ever treated me as such an equal. Especially after being AN, people treat me like a child. Maybe I still am. I guess I am pretty immature and silly. It's hard to be the age of an adult, have the mind or social skills of a child, and be trapped in an aged and broken body.
I suppose I want you guys to tell me how to react better, and say better things. I'm completely unable to leave -- it's too impossible. It's too exhausting to add another seperate doc/specialist/T/dentist/whatever... to my routine. I mean, I just can't do it. So I need help learning how to cope better in the situation I'm in. I want to learn how to say things that will keep me in control, but not hurt him, and not piss him off. And I'd like to always be pretty nice.
Does that make me hate-able here then? If I can't leave him, or take one of his roles away?
Hasn't there ever been someone in the same situation who has come out happier? I want to be happy soon. Anyone? I feel so alone.
EL
Posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 23:18:29
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » sunnydays, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 22:41:42
Hey El,
the reason why 'we' keep getting nervous bout your T is that it is an unusal relationship that you have.
Here on Babble you come across as such a lovely and caring person.
Yet you seem to be so TERRIBLY hard on yourself. Putting yourself down SO much.
Alot of us do this. And so we recognize it.
I think you have alot to offer people.
You just don't beleive it.
But we do.
And I guess we are a little concerned at the insularity of your relationship with your T.
Its hard to be clear bout a situation w/o reflecting it off others irl.
Babble is useful, but only up to a point.
I'm sorry if you feel badgered bout your T.
Its just that we care.
We like you.
We see your beauty.
And we all need connection irl.
With more than one person.
Your life sounds so very difficult.
So many things to overcome.
Yet you are so strong.
You continue to offer help to others.
You've got a great big kind heart.
You're special El.
DO YOU HEAR ME??? :-)
You ARE special.
Hugs to you,
Muffly
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 23:27:00
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » sunnydays, posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 22:41:42
> Does that make me hate-able here then? If I can't leave him, or take one of his roles away?I hope you don't feel hated! We won't judge you on whether you choose to follow any advice you get here. We're just somewhat insistent in our advice because we want you to be well, not because you make us angry at you.
Read muffled's post again. That's how we feel about you. You're a real jewel, Elaine, and we just think you deserve, and can ask for, a better situation. But we care about you no matter what you choose to do, or not to do.
(((Elaine)))
Posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 0:12:28
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions, posted by caraher on August 15, 2006, at 23:27:00
Elaine,
I'm so sorry you're hurting physically. BUT I'm glad that you're feeling a little better, depression-wise. Do you have a sense that something in particular is helping you get anti-depressed? Can you keep the momentum going and find a better place everyday? Like expoliation- a little bit at a time until you have a glow?I have a picture inside my head of Elaine. She's about my age, and she is a little more delicate that I am (in some ways) and much stronger than I am (in other ways). And I have NEVER judged you for your relationship with T*. The more you write on babble, the clearer my mental picture is of you. Fuzzy outlines resolve to gain a few more details, etc. But the basic concept has always been of someone who is kind, warm, intelligent and sensitive. I cannot judge you based on your body. Even if you were so broken as you claim, you would still have all the positive attributes above. I wish I could write something that would help you reconsider your mind's relationship to your body. I hope that there is someone in your life right now who can give you an accurate mirror, because the one you've been looking into is deceitful. I wish you could 'take to heart' all the things that are so immediately obvious to me, from your posts on babble. Your talents, and your compassion - the stuff you need to work on, and the inner source of self that you can derive strength from to make difficult choices.
I hope you can find a T to help you make the most of what you've got, because you've got a lot to offer the world.
-ll
*I judge your T, of course, because he's the one with the degree and the license to practice, etc.
Posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 6:52:02
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » caraher, posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 0:12:28
...I don't have much time, so I'm going to respond to all (((((your))))) posts later tonight. I've been thinking all night about how I need to know if I should be worrying about my T moving beyond where we're at right now. So I'm going to try and ask him if he is waiting for me to act a certain way, or if I should ever expect him to get more physical. And then I can be re-assured. I don't know how I'm gonna word it, cause I couldn't say those exact things. But I think I need him to lay his cards on the table [okay that sounded stupid but I can't think of better words....know what I mean?]
Who knows, perhaps it will come to a head today anyways -- this is the last time I'll see him in person before my birthday and he said we should meet later so we can do something to celebrate without needing to end before his next appointment. I know that might sound sketchy, but it's definately the movie he's been talking about. It's so nice of him to care that it's my birthday -- I don't really myself. But still, it's even more depressing when you don't hear from anyone. I wonder if my parents will wish me a Happy one tomorrow? I'm sure they hate my guts and want me to die.
Oh well, gotta get moving. I'm really nervous, but a little excited to be feeling better enough to get out more :-) He even called in a re-rill of my anti-biotics for me the other day. ((((T)))), it's probably cause of him that I'm not so sick right now :-)
I want to have good news to tell you all tonight, and then none of us will be worried anymore. Thank you (((all))) for being as nice as you are. Okay, talk to you later.
Elaine
Posted by muffled on August 16, 2006, at 14:06:24
In reply to I'll find out, posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 6:52:02
Bless your heart El.
Nice to see you happy.
Your so brave.
Let us know how it goes.
Hope its ok.
Take special care,
Muffly
Posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 21:10:33
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » ElaineM, posted by annierose on August 15, 2006, at 20:39:33
Annierose: I see what you're saying now. I'm always thoroughly confused. My head is just not clear these days -- my heart isn't either.
>>>>I wish you could find a therapist and keep your "t" (and I am using that term loosely) as a boyfriend.
No -- That's the first thing that came to my mind when I read that. I mean, I always want to please him. I want to please everyone. All of you too. But I don't want him to be my boyfriend (I wouldn't choose that, if I had the luxury of choice). For some reason, it makes a difference that he's my T too. I think I would've run away from him a long time ago. Being able to call him my "T" makes him seem safe -- like it's an innoculation against ever being hurt. Or something. But I think it's more than that in some way. I'm not understanding why it is frightening for me to think of him without the T title.
Why do I feel like this?
>>>>I'm sorry I'm not being more supportive. I wish I could find the words to be more supportive. I know you need support. And I'm glad you feel that from him.
Don't be sorry. It is nice of you to say anything at all. I'm sorry myself -- I know this is a bad subject. I know I should act better -- I guess I'm stubborn that way. Or maybe just desperate. Probably both. So I'm sorry that I keep putting people through threads like this. There is no one else for me to talk to about this -- I mean, I would've had to have alot of help and support and answers if I was trying to re-learn how to have a relationship with a regular man. I would still be having a million problems then. But this has happened, with this person, and I'm trying to.........I don't know what I'm trying to say, I'm sorry.
Would it make a difference if I just didn't refer to him as my "T" anymore? Or does that not really matter.
(((annierose))) Sorry I'm stupid.
Posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 21:33:57
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » ElaineM, posted by muffled on August 15, 2006, at 23:18:29
((((Muffy)))) You make me feel like I'm not cr@p for a minute. You are so kind and friendly. I hope I can always be just as nice back to you.
I don't feel badgered about my T though. I know people are trying to help me. And I know I'm pretty dense -- I need people drilling into me what's wrong, and risky or dangerous all the time. I don't often recognize bad situations -- my brain is just never turned on and I'm used to going with the flow. I don't like questioning, or demanding, or challenging. I always prefer to just float along -- it's easier.
If anything, I worry about my posts hurting others, or making people angry or hate me. I don't want any more people in the world hating me. That's all. I don't think anyone on here has ever sounded like they're hastling me (or anyone) or cruel, or mean though. And I doubt any of you would hate either -- it's just always been one of my biggest fears. I think I just want somebody to be caring about, and for, me right now soooo much. I want a friend who will talk to me like I'm an equal. I want the husband I'm never gonna have now. I want a family that loves me. I want a doctor who will fix my body. I want anybody to fix my heart. It is hard for me to not be grateful that I have someone (whatever role he is) at all. Is a "bad T" better than nobody at all?
Muffy, I care about you alot :-)
Posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 22:34:15
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » caraher, posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 0:12:28
>>>>>Do you have a sense that something in particular is helping you get anti-depressed?
Yes -- I had a good few days physically. That's usually what rocks my emotions. When the pain is too much, or when more than one thing is causing trouble at once, then I sink really low. Sometimes I get suicidal. The last suicide assessment I was roped into was in Feb. So I've been pretty good lately. It's just that everything is combining now. Some medical stuff (one more prominent than the other), losing ladyDoctor, my multi-thousand dollar teeth rotting out of my head no matter how I take care of them and leaving me buried in debt, and all the doctors/dentists not taking my words for what they are, because I'm tainted with psychiatric stigma, and then the confusingness with my T. IT's like everything shatty in my world is converging to this one focal point, and it's just way too much to take.
In terms of my body, if anything good has come from being ill, it's that it's killed the ED. While I will always think I'm ugly (and though I am fatter now), I would trade in any amount of beauty or thinness, for health. No question now. But that's not much of surprise considering where I'm at now -- kinda like an eleventh hour conversion. Probably not worth much huh? While a mirror can be deceitful, an x-ray, an scan, a lab report NEVER lies. I only hope that the way I look [or at least the way I see myself ;-) ] doesn't effect the way physicians treat me.
LL, your posts make me want to cry. I wish you were my friend in real life. Thank you for never judging me about my T. I know it must be hard not to, and I appreciate that. I can't help always wanting to qualify his actions, or defending him, because a piece of my heart is in him, and alot of him is keeping the rest of me in one piece. Though other times, some of him (or at least what goes on) does upset me.
I want to be the person you tell me I am -- even just a bit of that person. I'm working on believing it a little. Thank you for being how you are. ((((((LL))))))
Posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 22:44:58
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 16, 2006, at 22:34:15
Aww! Elaine- you ARE that person in real life. You can't fake this stuff! And I think we could be friends in real life, but that's not the point. The point is that you have a lot of people on p-babble pulling for you, and hoping for the best outcome to your complicated situation. If we didn't care for you, we wouldn't invest our emotional energy into supporting you. So, worry less about pleasing the world, and find out what makes ELAINE happy.
I know that your teeth and bones and x-rays and bills are things that pose an extreme hardship to you. I don't blame you for being hard on yourself. But I think you have the ability to heal. If you can see the future, and imagine that things will get a little more bearable every day, every week, it might help your body heal. The mind can really influence healing. Don't give up on your body yet. It's still young, and you can get through this too.
((((((((hugs for you))))))))))
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on August 17, 2006, at 8:18:52
In reply to Re: Not so low :-) but with questions » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 16, 2006, at 22:44:58
I meant to say this last night but... I wanted to just make sure that it didn't sound like I was saying in one of my posts that I felt hate coming from you. It was just a fear that popped into my head while I happened to be responding to you. You've always been so supportive and friendly. It was just, when I was thinking about my post after the fact, I thought it sounded a little accusatory, and I didn't want you to think it meant anything -- it didn't. I have only hugs for you :-)
I was out of it yesturday (and today) -- stuff is happening.
So, I just wanted to say Sorry (maybe you didn't even notice the wording, and I'm looking a little silly right now) Oh well. I just felt like a had to say this before I went.
(((sunny)))) Hope you are well, and always know that your words mean alot to me :-)
Elaine
Posted by sunnydays on August 17, 2006, at 8:37:08
In reply to sunnydays, posted by ElaineM on August 17, 2006, at 8:18:52
Thanks ElaineM. No, your post didn't offend me at all. I just haven't been up to writing a lot on here because I've been feeling pretty depressed lately and I find it really hard to write anything at all, let alone anything that sounds coherent, when I'm feeling depressed. You really are a very strong person. Good luck with all the hard things you're going through.
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on August 17, 2006, at 12:56:16
In reply to Re: sunnydays, posted by sunnydays on August 17, 2006, at 8:37:08
I'm sorry I've been such a basket-case poster the past few days. I got a call yesturday saying that one of my specialists just got the results in from a test that was performed just last week and that he NEEDED to see me the next morning (as in today). So I've been worried out of my mind -- it's not too often that appointments with specialists get bumped up two weeks for no reason. I feared that his fears were proved true. But it came back negative. He had some other ideas about what it is, but none as immediately tragic as what he had been looking for.
I was just so worried that yet another condition was going to be thrown on top of me. As well as on top of the dental/sinus stuff. I'm grateful for this small piece of good news. I still have the same diagnosis as a day ago, but I'm always so discouraged and effected by it that I tend to forget some of the ways that it could be worse. Like, I could be a little kid with the same thing. And this thing he thinks he's ruled out was one of those "horribly worse" things. I have a repeat procedure at the end of September to be sure. I'm never usually angry (and it's hard to be too mad when the news turned out to be okay) but I think I hate his receptionist for choosing her wording so poorly. She could've said, We can move up your follow-up earlier if you like. I still hate her a bit for making me panic -- she should know that people would be on the edge waiting.
Anyways, that's why I didn't even get to confront my T like I had planned to. The phone call happened an hour after I made that "post of intent". We just tried to stop my crying and collect myself enough to get there this morning. I'll need some time to decompress.
My face is pounding -- I'm exhausted. I felt like I should thank you guys. It doesn't make sense - it's not like you did anything, or that you're the doctor. Maybe I just felt like you were with me. Or at least that someone may still have talked to me if I had this.
((((((Babblers)))))))
ELps. I'm glad you weren't offended Sunny, though I'm sorry you're depressed yourself. extra hugs.
Posted by muffled on August 17, 2006, at 15:38:38
In reply to Time to exhale., posted by ElaineM on August 17, 2006, at 12:56:16
Posted by caraher on August 17, 2006, at 18:43:04
In reply to Time to exhale., posted by ElaineM on August 17, 2006, at 12:56:16
Sorry you had to ride such a rollercoaster... but you did get a birthday present in the form of good news (however clumsily delivered)! I'm very happy to hear that!
(((Elaine)))
This is the end of the thread.
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