Posted by ElaineM on August 15, 2006, at 17:07:53
Sorry I'm slow these days. I seem to have run out of steam during these past three weeks. I'm still pretty sick and am just getting back into seeing my T (and back to a minimum base-line of health needed for everyday functioning). I feel like I fell off the face of the planet for the past few weeks. I'm still quite unwell (on top of my ongoing medical thing) but I'm not so shackled with the depression that comes with dip-downs in my health.
I saw my T once last week, and we met in a collegue's office because his office was being redone. He said that my need for comfort inspired him to make his office seem more inviting and comfy. So he had it changed. When I went in today it was totally different. Before it was kind of sterile, but now there's a new furniture set, new bookcases, a tv. Everything is facing "the wrong" ways. It looks like a living room in a model home.
I didn't think that I'd find it so disorienting but I was having an impossible time pulling words out of my head -- sentences were practically impossible. Do you ever think that someone doesn't seem like the same person cause they sit in a different position in a different place? It was just weird to see him sitting sideways on a love-seat with one leg pulled up underneath, and one arm extended across the top of the back. I thought it even made his voice sound different! Silly. Does anyone else find it weird when T's redecorate?
He gave me a letter he wrote about how I make him find our meetings confusing. He said that while I'm helping him make changes in the way he acts and does therapy (which he told me he thinks is for the better), he said that I have done nothing to seem as friendly as him. And so he is confused about if I'm worth "the effort". I know I'm not explaining this properly. (Even my brain is rusty now, I'm usually pretty good at remembering his exact words) Anyways, he said that if I want him to act friendly and not be like all the other physicians I've had who are silent and cold and ignore me, that I have to act more like a friend myself. I appoligized because I've been so sick and had to miss meetings after he returned from vacation. He said not to say sorry for that, but to push myself more now -- now that I'm a little improved. So he said I need to work on spending time with him outside of the office environment so that he will be able to see me more as a friend. I told him that there's only so much I can handle (even on good days) becasue I don't move very well. So we decided that I'd start with going to the movies (cause I've backed out of that alot before). Plus it's my birthday this week and he said that we should do something different to mark its occasion -- though I really really hate my birthday. Blech!
THe one thing I felt really great about was that he thanked me so much for helping him get through some tough personal stuff he's been going through lately. (I can't remember if I've said specifics about that on here before so I won't get into the details) But there was one thing about it that freaked me out.
When he was telling me some stuff, and as we were talking through it, he started crying -- honest tears. Now, I know on here I've always been talking about how afraid I am of too much physical contact, or seeming like I have no choice to do more, but as I was watching him weep I had the overwhelming urge to reach over and kiss him on his head -- like you'd kiss a little one. I saw myself doing it in my head, I was sooo close, but I didn't end up doing it. I felt really guilty at the time cause I probably seemed so cold. Instead, I came at him with regurgitated therapist phrases like, "Where are those tears coming from?" or "What were you thinking when she said that?"...and so on. I must've sounded like an idiot. I let him hug me for longer than usual though. He said I helped.
But now I keep remembering that I was almost the one to push our level of contact further. ME?! I feel like I should be afraid of myself now, not him? What's wrong with me?
ANd then just one other aspect. I always have an uncontrollable urge to fix wounded people -- probably how I wish dr's would fix me. I have the biggest need to offer comfort. I can't stand watching others misery or pain. It's almost worst than my own. THis is going to sound so terribly disgusting. But, if he cries very many more times I think I'll initiate "other stuff" -- to give him something else to feel, but also just to stop him from crying cause I find it a bit frightening to witness him like that. So dumb -- as though my broken, ugly body could take away the influence of some confrontation in his real life!! I'm so backwards. Ewwww, I'm so so gross.
Why is this happening in my brain? How can it be two things at once?! How can I still not want to have an intimate relationship (which I don't think he's interested in pursuing anymore anyways), be afraid of it, while at the same time see the possiblity that I could be the initiator?! I don't I don't I don't understand!
My brain hurts from just writing all this out. Sorry, I should've put all the questions at the end -- man I'm even rusty when it comes to writing on here. Even my T has noticed that I don't have any diary entries to read to him. [sigh] I've missed having the brain power to write to all of you :-) I hope I didn't poison you with all the pain I've had lately. I'm sorry.
Elaine
poster:ElaineM
thread:676776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/676776.html