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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cubic_me on October 23, 2005, at 10:11:40
When ever I have felt really suicidal in the past, I have tried to make myself look at photos of dead people as I know this really repulses me and seems to be fairly effective in stopping me killing myslef. But now it's backfiring on me because I've got this fear of my body being dead, of how horrible it will look, how much of a burden it will be and the total loss of control. It is completely irrational seeing as I believe that when I am dead I will truely be gone and won't know anything about it.
Knowing I had suicide as a way out used to help me get through, and now I'm so repulsed by it that I don't have that theoretical (and actual?) way out.
Perhaps I should seriously think about going back to therapy, rather than dithering.
Posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 14:27:09
In reply to Fear of being dead *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on October 23, 2005, at 10:11:40
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this fear. It sounds very… well… frightening.
From what you said, it sounds is if you were kind of trying to scare yourself into not committing suicide, and then the fear you induced went beyond your suicidal feelings and has become a general fear of being dead. And that sounds very difficult to cope with because death is ultimately unavoidable.
I think, though, that fears about death and what your body will look like dead might well be symbolic of other things. When you talk about total loss of control, I wonder if that’s what you really fear, and your fear of death represents the most extreme aspect of it.
I also think fear of death is often about fear of being somehow overwhelmed and annihilated in life.
> Perhaps I should seriously think about going back to therapy, rather than dithering.
Well, maybe you’re not dithering. Maybe you’re looking for ways to find the emotional resources to go back to therapy. But I do think that if you’re experiencing an intense fear of death you are probably in a situation where therapy could help. Can you get therapy easily enough, or will it be a struggle?
I hope you feel better soon.
Tamar
Posted by cubic_me on October 23, 2005, at 16:45:35
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » cubic_me, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 14:27:09
I completely agree with what you have said Tamar, though I think it is the fact that someone will have to deal with my body that gets me more than the lack of control. I have severe issues around burdening people.
>
> Well, maybe you’re not dithering. Maybe you’re looking for ways to find the emotional resources to go back to therapy. But I do think that if you’re experiencing an intense fear of death you are probably in a situation where therapy could help. Can you get therapy easily enough, or will it be a struggle?I did find therapy so so hard that I am scared of going back, that it will tip me over the edge and that I won't be able to cope. Those week long waits between sessions were tortuous. I can get councelling through my college, though there is a waiting list, and it is free, which is even better, but I don't know if I'd be able to see my old T and there are a few Ts there that I really don't want to see!
Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 11:16:07
In reply to Fear of being dead *trigger*, posted by cubic_me on October 23, 2005, at 10:11:40
Hi cubic,
the subject in this thread scared me so much last night that i couldn't look at it, sorry.
i'm sorry you've gotten yourself so fearful and feeling trapped. I mean it's good that you'd found a way to avoid death, but how frightening the thoughts must be. I think therapy would be a good idea, esp. if you can find someone who can help with the thoughts. Are you on any meds? Maybe that would help too?
fw
Posted by cubic_me on October 24, 2005, at 11:50:40
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » cubic_me, posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 11:16:07
I'm sorry I scared you, I should have though harder about the title being so triggering in itself.
I've just gone on the waiting list to see my old T, they said it should be about 3 weeks.
I was on meds until about 3 months ago (I tapered off with GP's help). I had these same feelings when I was on them, it tends to go in waves. My pdoc at the time said that the next stage for me is lithium, which I'm not really prepared to take unless it is essential due to it's side effects. Also I have been passed around more pdocs than I can count on one hand due to the british NHS system - there was only one who listened to me, and I only saw them once. Part of the reason I came off the meds was so that I didn't have to go there any more. I know there are meds out there that could help me, but I dread going back to a pdoc.
Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 17:37:45
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » fairywings, posted by cubic_me on October 24, 2005, at 11:50:40
> I'm sorry I scared you, I should have though harder about the title being so triggering in itself.
Oh, that's okay, it was just the time of night. for some reason when it's late and dark I get afraid of everything.
>
> I've just gone on the waiting list to see my old T, they said it should be about 3 weeks.Hope things aren't too bad while you're waiting to see them. Are Ts a part of the NHS too? If so, why is it that you could see your old T, but keep gettiing passed around by p-docs?
>
> I was on meds until about 3 months ago (I tapered off with GP's help). I had these same feelings when I was on them, it tends to go in waves. My pdoc at the time said that the next stage for me is lithium, which I'm not really prepared to take unless it is essential due to it's side effects.I took Lithium when I was a teen, don't know why, but I remember nausea and weight gain. It didn't do anything positive for me, so I can understand your reluctance. Have you been on benzos for the anxiety?
>Also I have been passed around more pdocs than I can count on one hand due to the british NHS system - there was only one who listened to me, and I only saw them once. Part of the reason I came off the meds was so that I didn't have to go there any more. I know there are meds out there that could help me, but I dread going back to a pdoc.
It really stinks that you can't see the p-doc of your choice. I sure hope we don't get a health care system like that here. Although I guess the trade off is that the expenses here are high to see the doc of your choice and Rx's are expensive, but I prefer that to someone telling me who I can and can't see. Your GP couldn't Rx the meds you think would help?
Do you think it's all worse because of the long med school hours, or your work at the hospital?Hope the 3 weeks till you see your T goes by quickly, and that you don't have the awful thoughts or any more panic.
fw
Posted by cubic_me on October 24, 2005, at 18:42:20
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » cubic_me, posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 17:37:45
>
> Hope things aren't too bad while you're waiting to see them. Are Ts a part of the NHS too? If so, why is it that you could see your old T, but keep gettiing passed around by p-docs?My T is affiliated with my university, so there is more flexibility there. When I first went I didn't particularly get a choice, but I've specified now that I have arranged to go back.
>
> I took Lithium when I was a teen, don't know why, but I remember nausea and weight gain. It didn't do anything positive for me, so I can understand your reluctance. Have you been on benzos for the anxiety?I haven't really had any anxiety before, nothing usually bothers me. I know this is technically anxiety, but it doesn't feel like it. It just feels annoying.
>
> It really stinks that you can't see the p-doc of your choice. I sure hope we don't get a health care system like that here. Although I guess the trade off is that the expenses here are high to see the doc of your choice and Rx's are expensive, but I prefer that to someone telling me who I can and can't see. Your GP couldn't Rx the meds you think would help?I counldn't afford to be treated at all under the US system, so I suppose it is good. You can go private if you can afford it. There are limiations on what treatments the GP can initiate, some meds have to be started by a pdoc (but can represcribe).
>
> Do you think it's all worse because of the long med school hours, or your work at the hospital?Hope the 3 weeks till you see your T goes by quickly, and that you don't have the awful thoughts or any more panic.
> fwMaybe. I was in til past 2am most nights last week, but have a more lax timetable this week. Whem I'm not busy I can spend the whole day in bed. I'm so behind with my work but can't be bothered to do it.
I hope the time passes quickly too, but I keep thinking 'at least it gives me time to cancel'. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 19:13:40
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » fairywings, posted by cubic_me on October 24, 2005, at 18:42:20
> My T is affiliated with my university, so there is more flexibility there.Ah, that is good.
> I haven't really had any anxiety before, nothing usually bothers me. I know this is technically anxiety, but it doesn't feel like it. It just feels annoying.
I would be annoyed too, could they be what my p-doc calls obsessive thoughts? He said not like OCD, but they're thoughts you can't shake - they come with ADD.
> I counldn't afford to be treated at all under the US system, so I suppose it is good.
In the us, a lot of companies have insurance plans for their employees. Ours is pretty good for mental health, just a hassle dealing with them and trying to get them to pay things properly. I'm dealing with that right now, spent 2 hours on the phone today trying to get them to redo some things they'd messed up.
>
> Maybe. I was in til past 2am most nights last week, but have a more lax timetable this week. Whem I'm not busy I can spend the whole day in bed. I'm so behind with my work but can't be bothered to do it.2 AM is late! I'd be in bed whenever I could too. Glad you have a bit of a reprieve this week.
> I hope the time passes quickly too, but I keep thinking 'at least it gives me time to cancel'. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Please don't cancel, just get that first appt behind you. That's the hardest one.
fw
Posted by cubic_me on October 25, 2005, at 7:01:35
In reply to Re: Fear of being dead *trigger* » cubic_me, posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 19:13:40
>
> I would be annoyed too, could they be what my p-doc calls obsessive thoughts? He said not like OCD, but they're thoughts you can't shake - they come with ADD.Maybe. I don't think I've got ADD but I do get a lot of thoughts that I just can't let go of.
>
> > I counldn't afford to be treated at all under the US system, so I suppose it is good.
>
> I'm dealing with that right now, spent 2 hours on the phone today trying to get them to redo some things they'd messed up.Yuk! I thought car insurance was bad enough! I hope you got it sorted, I suppose the up side is you can choose who you want to see (as long as they are accepted by your insurers!)
> >
> > Maybe. I was in til past 2am most nights last week, but have a more lax timetable this week. Whem I'm not busy I can spend the whole day in bed. I'm so behind with my work but can't be bothered to do it.>
> Please don't cancel, just get that first appt behind you. That's the hardest one.
> fwI'll try not to. I just said to myself when I finished that I wouldn't go back because it was so painful to leave last time.
Thankyou for your responses fairywings,your a star.
This is the end of the thread.
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