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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Mondays I have a double session now, which is intense in general but today was particularly so. I told her I'd started smoking pot again recently (yes, it's true) and she's trying to explore why. One of our theories is that I'm using it as a buffer between myself and feeling I'm developing towards her. But, I noted, I still feel things even when I'm using drugs. Take last night for example.I get awkward and it's hard to tell her this stuff but I managed to get out:
"I've just been wishing I was the size of a two-year-old so I could fit with my head on a person's shoulder and my feet by their hip, so that I could fit on a lap."
She asked me if it was her lap I was wishing I could fit on. I murmured "yes."
I told her about babysitting for Henry (who's 2) and when he fell down at the playground and started crying and I quickly picked him up and held him against me and kissed him over and over and said "it's ok" in the most soothing voice I have. It felt good to give that to him but I couldn't help wishing someone would do that for me. When I told her this, tears started pouring down my face.
She thought it was a powerful image and said that even though she couldn't scoop me up and give me what I wanted (I told her that was all I wanted in life! I swear, just once if she could give me that, then I would be ok. If I could only be that small and cute), but maybe I could get those needs met in other ways, at least almost get them met.
I don't see how. I really just want to be held and cared for as a two-year-old, if only for five minutes. And I can't because I'm not a two-year-old. And it has to be by her because no one else can do it. I don't know why.
This is devastating stuff. I don't know where to go with it. All I can do is yearn and never have what I want. What's the point of that? Here come the tears again and I'm at work so I better stop.
Posted by luvdove on September 26, 2005, at 16:10:48
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Oh crushed out that was an intense session! But how brave and courageous of you to be so honest! I think one of the most painful things in my own therapy is the realisations that my T can’t give me everything I need (or want) when it feels like she could give it to me but just *won’t*, like she’s withholding or something. What was your relationship with your mother like? I wonder if your T is triggering childhood longings from your childhood? (if I’m way off I’m sorry, I’m a psych student can't help it!). I think the best advice I can give you is to keep being as honest as you can with her, even when it’s really embarrassing. I’ve learnt that being honest about my feelings for my T is the only way through them… apparently by going ‘through’ we’ll eventually get to the other side.
I’m also not sure how these needs can be met elsewhere; I have some very affectionate and loving friends but hugging them is not the same as I imagine it would be like for my T to hold me. So I kinda know how you feel, and I’m sorry because it’s sooo painful!
Keep talking about it, words are all we have!
Luv xx
Posted by Annierose on September 26, 2005, at 16:33:58
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Crushed -
You are so brave, and I am so happy that you now have a T that will work with these feelings. She sounds like a great T, and it's hard work, but you will get there. I like that image too. Being soothed, held and comforted by someone that cares so much for you.
I guess you need to keep talking about these feelings, again and again. I'm kind of at the same place, spinning in circles over the same hurt, but still wishing it could be different. And hoping one day it will. My T told me today that it will never be different. She's right, so I guess I will have to keep working on these feelings.
Keep plugging away at it Crushed. Just from your posts, I see lots of progress in how you are relating your sessions. You seem much happier, more in control. I'm glad you found this T.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 26, 2005, at 18:12:12
In reply to Re: Intense session » crushedout, posted by Annierose on September 26, 2005, at 16:33:58
Crushed,
I think I "get" the yearning and longing. It's so primal, and it hurts so much to have missed that and to still long for it.(((((crushed))))) I know that doesn't come close... :(
Glad you are talking about it. It's such an intense and powerful thing to bring out into the open.
gg
Posted by messadivoce on September 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Dear Crushed,
You sound like you are doing hard work, and for that I am very proud of you.
You asked how to go on with this. I don't know the answer except to keep talking, keep wanting your T to hold you, and keep grieving. Grieving is HARD.
Just please keep going, don't be afraid to keep going.
Voce
Posted by Tabitha on September 27, 2005, at 0:55:04
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
It sounds so much like a child's feelings toward her mother (or primary caregiver). Can you remember feeling such things when you were little?
Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 5:50:22
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Hi crushed,
> She thought it was a powerful image and said that even though she couldn't scoop me up and give me what I wanted (I told her that was all I wanted in life! I swear, just once if she could give me that, then I would be ok. If I could only be that small and cute), but maybe I could get those needs met in other ways, at least almost get them met.
I’ve felt exactly the same way about my ex-T. I wanted to be small and sit on his lap; I felt if he would just hold me then everything would be all right.
> I don't see how. I really just want to be held and cared for as a two-year-old, if only for five minutes. And I can't because I'm not a two-year-old. And it has to be by her because no one else can do it. I don't know why.
Yeah, I know that feeling too. No one else can do it. I guess I thought my ex-T had magical arms, that he could heal me by holding me. In my case, it wasn’t something I missed in childhood; my parents were very loving and affectionate. But wanting to return to that kind of comfort was a very powerful feeling.
For me, I think the pain of the stuff I was dealing with was so profound that I wanted a very primal experience of comfort. My ex-T was the embodiment of safety and the one person I could trust with my feelings, so he was the only person who could comfort me. But of course he would never have done it. And that just seemed to make the pain worse. Also, I’m pretty sure that if he had ever held me the erotic feelings would have surfaced immediately, even though they weren’t there when I just wanted to be held, if that makes sense.
I suppose in fact he helped me to find my own resources to deal with the pain so that I could handle it without his comfort; maybe that was the point. But even now there are still times, very occasionally, when I want him to hold me.
> This is devastating stuff. I don't know where to go with it. All I can do is yearn and never have what I want. What's the point of that? Here come the tears again and I'm at work so I better stop.
I used to imagine my ex-T holding me sometimes; I’d imagine the warmth of his body and his hand stroking my hair. I don’t know if that was ultimately helpful or not, but it was comforting at the time. On balance I think it was a good thing because of course it wasn’t really him but a fictional representation of him that I created myself. I remember when I was first able to imagine him telling me he loved me: it was such a relief. Of course, it had nothing to do with him; it was about my own ability to perceive myself as loveable.
It sounds as if your therapist was very understanding when you told her, so I guess the thing is to keep telling her, as often as you need to.
I hope you feel better soon.
Tamar
Posted by fairywings on September 27, 2005, at 12:20:35
In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
I understand this feeling so well, and it's so incredible that you can share this so openly with your T, even though she can't "scoop you up", it's so great that's she's willing to acknowledge how powerful it is.
We have a two year old, and when I snuggle into his soft little head, sometimes I imagine I'm him, and I'm being cuddled and loved. I have some transference with my husband, he's so incredible with me, and he knows I feel this way, and he's acknowledged that he can't be my fahter, but he can try to give me as much as he can. Sometimes when he holds me, I close my eyes and imagine I'm little, and I'm being held, and it feel so good. but at the same time it hurts, which is why I want to be sure to do it right with our kids cause you only get one chance!
fw
Posted by crushedout on September 27, 2005, at 12:24:43
In reply to Re: Intense session » crushedout, posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 5:50:22
Tamar,I started my day by reading your post and it stunned me, it was so good. I started crying and feeling so sad and now I feel like I can't read it again or think about it because it hurts. But I want to be able to respond point by point. Maybe I will find the courage to do this later. I can't now, I guess, because I'm at work. But you hit the nail on the head in many different ways and I thank you for it.
xox,
crushed
Posted by crushedout on September 27, 2005, at 12:30:12
In reply to Re: Intense session, posted by Tabitha on September 27, 2005, at 0:55:04
No, I can't. I remember getting held a lot, though, as a child. If anything, my parents loved me too much. My therapists have suggested that because there weren't clear boundaries between my mother and me, it might never have been about meeting *my* needs, because we were one and the same person and so I could not have needs of my own. This all sounds too abstract to me and doesn't help me understand this need I have right now. Or satisfy it. Or get rid of it.You can't just get rid of needs. Sometimes I want to so badly since I feel sure they will never be met. It's very confusing and sad and when I start writing about it, I start to cry, but I guess it must be something I should keep writing and talking about. I'm taking it on faith that someday it will get better if I keep working on this. Part of me thinks that nothing will actually make it better and so all this is a waste of time (and money).
Sorry, I just started writing and I got carred away. I better get back to work. Thanks to all who posted -- it's so helpful to read your posts but then I have to turn to something else because it's too painful.
Posted by crushedout on September 27, 2005, at 12:31:36
In reply to Re: Intense session, posted by messadivoce on September 27, 2005, at 0:35:32
thanks voce. it means a lot. i need to keep being told to keep going even though i don't know if it's worth it.
Posted by fairywings on September 27, 2005, at 16:20:57
In reply to Re: Intense session » Tabitha, posted by crushedout on September 27, 2005, at 12:30:12
>>>I remember getting held a lot, though, as a child.
You must have good memories crushed. To know you were so loved by both parents.
I don't ever remember being held by either of my parents, I know I never was by my dad. I guess that's why I love it when my husband holds me, it feels so good.
fw
Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 17:10:01
In reply to Re: Intense session » Tamar, posted by crushedout on September 27, 2005, at 12:24:43
This is the end of the thread.
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