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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 15:12:50
I realized yesterday that lot of the hurt that I had with my ex T was because of totally mismatched expectations.
I was reading this board from the beginning - about 2 and half years now and was expecting a more western style of therapy - talking about childhood, and working through my emotional issues, understanding what causes me to feel the way I do etc. I had a huge transference and I was hoping to work through it with the help of my ex T, and was expecting him to reply more like Daisy's therapist.
He was in India, and in India they don't do this kind of therapy. He was mostly CBT - short term - specific issue related therapy like short term marital issues, alcoholism etc. And actually he went beyond that to help me in my role.. and did a very good job at it. But I kept expecting responses like how they do therapy in the US - allowing the patient to fully bond, and talk about childhood and talk about transference and how it relates to my father and mother etc.. And I kept banging banging banging my ex T to give me this kind of response and hoping he would shed more light into why I was feeling all the things.. And they don't teach all these things in India. Plus I was communicating through email and it was not the right medium for doing this kind of extensive therapy I needed or was expecting..
I think that is why it led to lot of hurt for me.. I felt very misunderstood, and thought my therapist didn't like me, when he wouldn't reply to my emails.. when in fact it is just not a model he was expecting to work with. In all likelihood he must have thought I am just trying to hang on to him, when I really didn't have any issue to work with. And according to Indian terms, I was completely fine.. they don't treat all these emotional growing up and stuff. They treat only to the point where you are able to control your actions.. they don't go beyond that and try to change the way you feel. But I was trying and hoping to change the way I feel and how I was operating fundamentally.
I wish I understood this long back.
Posted by rockymtnhi on April 25, 2005, at 15:27:53
In reply to Mismatched expectations, posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 15:12:50
That is good insight on your part. Expectations are a hugh part of therapy and are quite different from goals. It certainly gave me something to think about.
Were you ever able to get what you wanted or needed from any therapist? If not, do you still need to?
Posted by JenStar on April 25, 2005, at 18:09:26
In reply to Mismatched expectations, posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 15:12:50
hi Pinkeye,
it sounds like you're discovered a great insight. I congratulate you on being able to think about your situation with your T objectively even though you're so deeply involved emotionally. Hopefully making this realization will help you overcome the hurt.
take care!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 19:17:26
In reply to Re: Mismatched expectations » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on April 25, 2005, at 18:09:26
Thanks JenStar. Actually my therapist had a huge deal of common sense and thankfully he was very literate and exposed to internet and all. That helped a huge deal. If I had gone to any ohter therapist in India, and made confessions about my transference, they would have run away. He handled it as best as anybody in India would have done.
I was reading the book In Session yesterday and I was amazed at the insight the author had. I had gone through almost all of it. It is such a pity that such books are not even available in my country. And they don't have as much access to internet as we have. My therapist has such a bad internet connection, even if he wanted to, he couldn't have replied more to my emails. And I couldn't tell him everything about my parents, because they were pretty much escorting me to his office and were sitting outside waiting for me when I was in ther room with him. And he knew my parents so well. There were all sorts of limitations. And for the most part I was sitting 20000 miles apart and sending him tons of emails. And my culture doesn't permit married women talking so much to other married men. If I had gone to any other therapist in my country, they wouldn't have helped me even a little bit. Thankfully becuase my T was extremely good, I did atleast so well, even if there is some hurt because of my transference which is still unresolved.
I think both my T and I did the best we could do under the given circumstances.
Posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 19:20:13
In reply to Re: Mismatched expectations, posted by rockymtnhi on April 25, 2005, at 15:27:53
Thanks Rocky. I am going to a new T now, and while I don't like her as much as I did my ex T, she has been somewhat helpful to me specifically in transference issues. She is able to shed some light into why I felt the way I feel. She attributes it all to my relationship with my dad. And I think she is right. But I really wanted to have this kind of insight from my ex T. That would have really helped even more - coming from the same person you have attachment to.
Posted by Susan47 on April 27, 2005, at 20:42:34
In reply to Mismatched expectations, posted by pinkeye on April 25, 2005, at 15:12:50
That sheds a lot of light on your frustrations. If I were in your shoes I wuld find it almost impossible to go back, I think. I don't know, I just don't know. How do you close your eyes again and stay happy with them shut, when they've been opened and you've seen beauty? It would be like shutting out the truth. I don't know.
Posted by pinkeye on April 27, 2005, at 20:44:26
In reply to Re: Mismatched expectations, posted by Susan47 on April 27, 2005, at 20:42:34
What do you mean by this Susan? I don't understand. Go back where?
>>If I were in your shoes I wuld find it almost impossible to go back, I think.
Posted by Susan47 on April 30, 2005, at 21:01:37
In reply to Re: Mismatched expectations » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on April 27, 2005, at 20:44:26
Back to.. India?
Posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 12:17:48
In reply to Re: Mismatched expectations, posted by Susan47 on April 30, 2005, at 21:01:37
Oh I see. Yes I would mostly be going back in another 3 months. But maybe I can be back after a year.. We are still working on that.
Thanks.
This is the end of the thread.
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