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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shortelise on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:32
Saw T today. Angry, confused ... trying hard to keep loving myself. Feel accused. I should be doing something differently. I feel awful. Argh.
I know lots are having a hard time these days - I less so than many others I think, so I can't complain too loudly. It helps to come and tell you all how I feel. I think I have to write to him. *big sigh*
Hugs to all
ShortE
Posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 2:25:33
In reply to argh, posted by Shortelise on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:32
Writing can be really great.
For bridging that chasm sometimes.
Posted by daisym on April 19, 2005, at 2:27:56
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))), posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 2:25:33
You didn't say what this thing you SHOULD be doing is...
I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. All these intense feelings can be soo painful. Why can't it be warm and fuzzy all the time? I'm challenged enough IRL, thank you very much!
Take it easy. Write, write, write. That works for me.
Posted by Tamar on April 19, 2005, at 6:46:52
In reply to argh, posted by Shortelise on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:32
> Saw T today. Angry, confused ... trying hard to keep loving myself. Feel accused. I should be doing something differently. I feel awful. Argh.
I'm sorry you are having difficulty loving yourself. We love you!
> I know lots are having a hard time these days - I less so than many others I think, so I can't complain too loudly. It helps to come and tell you all how I feel. I think I have to write to him. *big sigh*
You can complain as loudly as you want and need to. Especially here!
Writing sounds like a good idea.
(((((ShortE)))))
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 8:48:29
In reply to argh, posted by Shortelise on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:32
You mean your therapist didn't realize he was shoulding all over you?
Don't worry about complaining as loudly as you like. We're allowed to all be having bad times with our therapist right now. After all, we usually all have vacationing therapists together. Maybe it's the equivilant of therapy hormones. They synchronize.
I think it might be continuing education season, and maybe they learned some incorrect things that are currently higher in their minds than their years of experience and the knowledge they've gleaned in relationship with us.
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:00:08
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))), posted by alexandra_k on April 19, 2005, at 2:25:33
I only hope I can get my feelings to come out of my fingers- I can't, really can't figure out what I am feeling. I only know it's not what he calls it.
Thanks Alex.
And, hey, I am so glad to see you!
ShortE
Posted by anastasia56 on April 19, 2005, at 11:02:07
In reply to argh, posted by Shortelise on April 18, 2005, at 23:44:32
sorry to hear your visit with your t produced so many negative feelings. i'm hoping you at least made some progress to offset the negatives.
ana
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:04:10
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))), posted by daisym on April 19, 2005, at 2:27:56
What I should be doing is seeing a long time ago that I am finished with therapy, doing much better, thank you, and maybe dropping him a card once in a while.
He pointed out that I cry every time I see him.
And he says he's not being different than he has ben. He's not nuturing anymore. He's not! And it's ok, Idon't mind, I don't need it anymore. But why does he say he hsan't changed? Is it really allme, my perception? Suddenly, I don't feel so sane.
Write, yes, here I am, and I'll keep it up. Thanks so much, Daisy.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:10:30
In reply to Re: argh » Shortelise, posted by Tamar on April 19, 2005, at 6:46:52
This idea of loving myself is so new and delicate that I am afraid it might get smashed. When I told my shrink yesterday that I'm trying to love myself it brought tears to his eyes. I've never before said any such thing, never felt capable of it.
Tamar, thanks for telling me I am loved here. That helps me to love myself. And I really need to do that. You are so kind to me. Thank you.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:34:20
In reply to Re: argh » Shortelise, posted by Dinah on April 19, 2005, at 8:48:29
I think it is sooner I am shoulding on myself. But I am hearing it as him. ick.
I like the continuing ed thing. Mine's a psychiatrist, a medical doctor, the sort allowed to wield a knife, so heaven knows what kind of scary stuff he is learning - labotomy?
:-)
Is is possible that we're all making progress together and that is what all this pain and confusion is about? Now, wouldn't that be interesting...
Thanks, kind Dinah.
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on April 19, 2005, at 14:18:10
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))) » daisym, posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:04:10
I think we somehow understand when our therapist stop that nurturing and let us take care of ourselves.. And it is extremely painful to let go of that nurturing. Even if it is a slight change of tone in their voice, we can understand it and will perceive it, even though outwardly, nothing could have changed. Maybe he has made up his mind to let you go and be on your own and you are trying to desperately somehow hang on to him and cuddle with him. And you are hurting because you don't find the care anymore. Termination totally sucks. But take consolation that it sucks for everyone, and that it has to be the way that it is.
Posted by littleone on April 19, 2005, at 15:54:02
In reply to Re: argh » Tamar, posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:10:30
> This idea of loving myself is so new and delicate that I am afraid it might get smashed. When I told my shrink yesterday that I'm trying to love myself it brought tears to his eyes. I've never before said any such thing, never felt capable of it.
This moved me so much ShortE. Both the idea of loving yourself being new and delicate and fragile and your T with his swimming eyes. That must have been a really nice moment.
Sorry you're having such a hard time with tapering off. It sounds awful.
I can understand how you were reluctant to voice your feelings. Recently I was going to post about something that went well for me, but everyone else was posting about how unwell they were all feeling and it just didn't seem right. It's hard to get past that. Please know that I enjoy all your posts - whether you're feeling good or bad :)
Posted by 10derHeart on April 19, 2005, at 16:56:14
In reply to Re: argh » Tamar, posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 11:10:30
You know, I adore so many posters here. Well, all of them really, except if they're not nice...well, you KNOW what I mean! Anyway...despite that fact, there are some I'll sort of gravitate to more, especially when I might be in a certain low, or frustrated mood.
And you are one of those. I know I'll read something so real, honest, and fresh. Your posts allow this smart, energetic, caring, sensitive woman to just burst through on every topic under the sun. Your words have helped me many, many times. Wish I was disciplined or strong enough to tell you each and every time.
Tamar is so right - you are special and we do love you here!! So there!!
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 23:15:26
In reply to Re: argh » Shortelise, posted by anastasia56 on April 19, 2005, at 11:02:07
Ana, I am afraid I did not, not this time. I think progress in therapy is over. That's a negative thing to say, isn't it. But if I am through with it, then it's over, so I can't expect any progress in therapy, though I do expect to continue outside.
Sorry. I'm sad and tired. Thanks for writing.
ShortE
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 23:20:34
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))) » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on April 19, 2005, at 14:18:10
But see, what I don't get is what this is, what it is I am feeling. I no longer want what I used to want from him, to be loved by him as though I were his child, as if I were his beloved soemthing to be cared for and protected and nurtured. It's ok that that's over. I want something else now. Something else. Not love, not for him to declare that I can't live my life without his help, but something. There's jst soemthing missing, and I feel that if I could figure it out, figure out what I need from him and ask him for it, he'd understand, and let me have it.
Ouch
SHortE
Posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 23:24:47
In reply to Re: argh » Shortelise, posted by 10derHeart on April 19, 2005, at 16:56:14
Thank you so very very kindly, 10derheart. I hope it's clear by what I write that I do care. Also, I often think things through by writing. And babblers are so thought provoking for me, you make me think, make me examine sides of things I wouldn't otherwise. That's incredible valuable to me.
Hugs
ShortE
Posted by antigua on April 20, 2005, at 11:46:46
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))) » pinkeye, posted by Shortelise on April 19, 2005, at 23:20:34
Not be negative, but my therapist told me today that I would never get what I wanted (that thing, comfort, whatever) then. One, the person I want it from will never give it to me and two, I can never have what I didn't have as a child and for it to mean the same thing. She was very matter of fact about it, not mean at all.
She says when I work through the original trauma, I won't need it anymore, whatever it is.
do I believe her? Not really, but I guess that's why I keep getting myself into trouble wanting something (or someone) that I just can't have.
antigua
Posted by Shortelise on April 20, 2005, at 13:35:41
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))), posted by antigua on April 20, 2005, at 11:46:46
Yes, but ... I have been in therapy for nigh on 7 years, I am at the end of therapy, and if I have not by now worked through that original trauma, then what in the squirrel nutkin have I been doing? I HAVE worked through it! He tells me that for the last two years he has been trying to help me through the loss of him, through that!
Thanks, antigua. I'llt hink about this!
ShortE
Posted by antigua on April 21, 2005, at 14:19:28
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))) » antigua, posted by Shortelise on April 20, 2005, at 13:35:41
Oh, that scares me. If you've worked your way through your trauma and still feel that way.. I don't know what that leaves for me. I thought it would be over. But you're telling me it's not?
Did you feel responsible for the trauma? If so, did you get over the guilt and shame? That seems insurmountable at times. Don't answer if it's too personal.
antigua
Posted by Shortelise on April 22, 2005, at 0:00:18
In reply to Re: ((((ShortE))))), posted by antigua on April 21, 2005, at 14:19:28
Hm.No, I don't feel I was responsible. It was an unfortunate combination of things, of people.
I really don't know how I feel. When I try to think about it, I just feel tired.
I just can't be encouraging at this very moment. I hope someone else will step in and try to explain this in a way that will leave you feeling encouraged. Something about termination, and how it works out ok in the end. I thinkit does depend very much on your issues.
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on April 22, 2005, at 4:38:34
In reply to Can someone help, please?? » antigua, posted by Shortelise on April 22, 2005, at 0:00:18
Antigua,
I terminated recently, and when I was approaching termination I felt a lot of fear that I hadn’t finished working through all the trauma. But I came to realise that it would never be completely finished; it felt more like a change than an ending. Talking about the nasty stuff in therapy was really hard at the time, but it helped so much. I finally feel as if I can live with myself, if that makes sense.For me, it was a matter of recognising that I can’t erase my problems. I can’t undo the bad things that happened to me and I can’t make it all go away. But after therapy I feel that some of the broken parts of me are healing. There will always be a scar, or a weakness within me, but it doesn’t define me and it doesn’t hurt every minute of every day. I don’t have to hide from it any more.
So I think I did get over most of the guilt and shame. Sometimes I still feel shame, but therapy taught me ways of moving past those feelings when they threaten to overwhelm me. When I started therapy I couldn’t understand what people meant when they said they preferred to be described as survivors rather than victims. I was a victim. But I think I get it now. I’m surviving and it’s because I worked very hard in therapy to start healing.
ShortE,
I think the stage you’re going through is just as hard as working through the pain, because facing the end of therapy is a process in itself and it can feel quite discouraging. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a new step and it takes time to get used to it.(((((Antigua))))) and (((((ShortE)))))
Tamar
Posted by antigua on April 22, 2005, at 7:17:34
In reply to Re: Can someone help, please??, posted by Tamar on April 22, 2005, at 4:38:34
Thank you so much for what you had to say. It sounded hopeful. My T asked me the other day how close did I think I was to finishing and I didn't have a clue. Just the fact she mentioned it is important. She's never mentioned it before. Kind of scary, but I'm not going until I feel safe enough on my own.
thanks,
antigua
Posted by Shortelise on April 24, 2005, at 19:25:38
In reply to Re: Can someone help, please??, posted by Tamar on April 22, 2005, at 4:38:34
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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