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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
The last few weeks I have been more and more afraid of my T at each session.
It's not fear of abandonment, I do believe her that she will "walk with me in the darkness, walk with me through hell."
I've just been handing her my scribbled notes as I walk out the door. The next session she starts off with them and I tell her I don't want to talk about that.
She said I'm like a little kid, playing catch me if you can and peek-a-boo. It's okay that I feel like a child, that it's a part of me that is so scared of a relationship that it has to test it out.
She thinks that I am so afraid that I am a therapy failure that I don't realize that I am doing everything right. Including catch me if you can and peek-a-boo.
I am less afraid of her since she said that I am doing therapy right, but I am still more afraid of her than I was six months ago. Or 2 years ago.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on April 4, 2005, at 20:54:16
In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
Perhaps you aren't afraid of her. Perhaps you are afraid of the things you need to talk about.
Can you see her as your ally? The two of you together standing up to the terrifying issues?
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2005, at 21:16:25
In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
There's more at stake now than there was before. You didn't care as much about her six months ago or two years ago. It's scary to care - on so many levels.
The stakes will likely go even higher. Along with the potential rewards.
Or that's been my experience at least.
As cozy as my therapeutic relationship is, the stakes are so high that if I think, I'd be terrified.
Posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 0:25:41
In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
Poet,
I think what you are feeling is really normal after revealing such a big, old secret. There are so many levels to this -- being afraid of what she now knows and her reactions to it, being afraid of yourself and your compulsion to tell, and being afraid of the pain opening this wound causes.
I think you may also be experiencing some of the old feelings that you felt while the abuse was happening. I am astonished how these old feelings can feel so real, so here and now, yet really, they belong to a younger self, the self that WAS afraid and couldn't tell anyone she was afraid. This happened to me today.
As you know, I've been struggling very much lately. I was in such bad shape the past week that I was on daily check ins with my therapist, even over the weekend. (It was kind of sweet, on Saturday we decided I was doing slightly better and therefore did not *have* to call him on Sunday, unless I needed him or wanted to. He ended up calling me Sunday afternoon because he was worrying and said *he* needed to touch base.) Today when I went in I was terrified. I couldn't talk, and could barely look at him. This is not like me at all. I told him I was afraid to be there. He tried a couple of things with me that didn't work and then he stopped and sort of looked at me sideways and said, "How old do you feel right now?" I whispered, "9." He nodded and gently asked questions of this nine year old, about her fear, about what was happening and it took us to a whole new place. We talked about a new memory and how afraid I was that he would be mad at me...which explained the fear. I still left in tears, but that was about missing him and not feeling safe in the real world right now, not about being afraid of him. Thank Goodness.
Because being afraid of your therapist can make you very lonely. I hope you can get past your fear of her and begin to open up and understand what is happening soon. She will help you face all of this. It just takes time.
(((Poet)))
Posted by B2chica on April 5, 2005, at 12:28:07
In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
(((((((((Poet))))))))))))
you are a strong person. it's great that even though you give the notes and 'run'. you are still sharing that information. i'm sorry you are feeling so scared right now. i can relate. that last two sessions with my T i have felt more and more fear. i think it's cuz i'm getting closer to sharing more (deeper) issues. each time i know what i'm want/need to talk about but when i get there i often chicken out. but yesterday i finally spilled and tried to talk more about an ex-boyfriend. i needed clarification on verbal/physical abuse from him. if it were anyone else i would say ABSOLUTELY, but for some reason with me, i can't say it was. and that's the tip of the iceburg. so it's very scary that i'm starting to let him in.please don't be down on yourself. you ARE accomplishing great stuff in your sessions...peek-a-boo or not. give yourself time.
please take care.
here's some positive vibes>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>b2c.
Posted by shrinking violet on April 5, 2005, at 20:15:02
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared c, posted by B2chica on April 5, 2005, at 12:28:07
Posted by Tamar on April 5, 2005, at 20:36:04
In reply to Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child, posted by Poet on April 4, 2005, at 18:51:18
Do you think you're afraid you're a therapy failure? Or is the fear connected to the things you're talking about in therapy?
I suddenly realised after terminating that I'd been afraid of my T on several occasions, and I hadn't even identified it as fear; I'd thought of it primarily as embarrassment. When I acknowledged my feelings of fear, I was quite surprised, because I'd always thought of my relationship with my T as an adult-adult relationship, but I realised the fear came from a child-place, and on reflection I'm sure it was because I was talking about events in my childhood.
Has your T passed your tests by telling you you're doing therapy right? Or might your fear stem from a transference of old feelings onto your T? If it's the latter, perhaps your fear is more about the content, rather than the process of therapy.
I hope you find ways to understand and resolve it; I'm sure your T will be able to help if you talk through with her the nature of your fears.
Tamar
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:12:42
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child » Poet, posted by fallsfall on April 4, 2005, at 20:54:16
Hi Fallsfall,
I am having a harder time talking than ever. It makes sense that it's not my therapist I am so terrified of, it's what I should be talking about. I'm so afraid of therapy and dragging out all the nasty stuff that I am trying to deny that it's made me fear her.
I know she won't ever push me into talking, her patience amazes me. I'd have had it with me long ago. I'll try to see her as my ally and not someone who will use information against me. I know that I can hand her notes and run out the door at the end of the session, so maybe I can try to hand her notes during the session.
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:15:27
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child » Poet, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2005, at 21:16:25
Hi Dinah,
The stakes are so high. You're right that they will go higher. That's scary, but at least I know it will eventually happen. If I don't run in the other direction.
Why couldn't I find a therapist who gives up? Then I could give up. Maybe.
Poet
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:32:38
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child » Poet, posted by daisym on April 5, 2005, at 0:25:41
Hi Daisy,
I printed out your reply. I'm going to hang onto it to remind myself that the fear I am feeling is normal.
I know you've been struggling with your childhood pain. It is scary how old feelings can get stirred and freeze our grown selves in our tracks.
I am afraid of the pain of this old wound. It's not like it ever healed over, keeping it a big secret was a flimsy bandaid of protection. Grown me can't protect child me with denial, but I can't stop myself from trying.My therapist has tried to get me to go back to the age I was when the bad stuff was happening, but I just can't. She does energy work and said she wants to do more of it, it might help me to be able to reach the scared child in me and let her talk.
I'm grateful that my therapist is so patient. She will never push me. I couldn't handle a therapist who pushed. She keeps saying things like did I say anything to make you more afraid? I need to know. I know she cares, I just don't like to hear that anybody cares about me. I sure don't care about me.
Thank you for helping. I know that your wisdom comes from much pain and it's so wonderful that you can reach through it to help me.
Poet
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:39:01
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared c, posted by B2chica on April 5, 2005, at 12:28:07
Hi B2chica,
Thanks for the positive vibes. I need all the positive energy I can get.
I obsess over what to talk about for days before each session. Sitting in the waiting room I start getting scared, in her office I am just too scared to say much of anything. It's like I have all this stuff I planned to say and how to say it and now, poof, it's gone.
It is scary to let someone in. Those ice bergs can go deep. Man the lifeboats. Scared therapy patients first.
We both can do this, let someone get close to us, but just in case, let's make sure those lifeboats can float.
Poet
Posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:49:38
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared child » Poet, posted by Tamar on April 5, 2005, at 20:36:04
Hi Tamar,
I am convinced I am a therapy failure. My T keeps asking what I think therapy is, because what I am doing is not failure.
What we are talking about (or I am staring at my shoes or the wall about) has me more frightened than usual. I have never been a blurter. I revealed a big secret (CSA) and now that the secret is out, I'm afraid to talk about it. I'm definitely afraid of the pain the old wound gives me.
I think of my relationship with my T as adult-adult, too, but you have a good point about being in a child place when talking about childhood events.
I do feel less afraid this week than last week when my T said that I am doing therapy right. I haven't been obsessing as much about what to talk about. I haven't written much down to hand her, either, so maybe a little part of me is trying hard to get the rest of me to realize that it is the content I fear, not my therapist.I think I know what to talk about tomorrow. What I am really afraid of. Then again that scares me. Maybe I'm not a therapy failure, just a big therapy coward.
Thanks for your insight and help.
Poet
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2005, at 11:39:37
In reply to Re: Afraid of my therapist, Acting like a scared c » B2chica, posted by Poet on April 6, 2005, at 18:39:01
Hey Poet.
i obsess big time...what to say, usually i get to the point where i make notes or bring in things but i Always seem to chicken out at the last minute.
i the next few weeks it's going to get tough for me. for now in that boat i can do all the rowing (you take it easy), but in a few weeks i may be slacking off with the oars. i don't want to sink...i'm hyped up today and ready to fight...(just not talk-hehe).
stick close to me for a few weeks, i'll hold you up 110%!!
and i want to say a BIG Congratulations on letting out about CSA! i still have many confusing questions there...not reallly sure what's all inside me. but this agressive therapy (3xweek) is really good for me. it's what i need, but i'm running out of 'surface' stuff and know i'm going to start to have to dig in. think i have about 2 or three more weeks of 'round about stuff' then the hard stuff begins...right?!
lots of more good vibes.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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