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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 5 to 29 of 31. Go back in thread:
Posted by underthecs on August 20, 2004, at 14:11:20
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
Hi Susan. Gosh, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I wish I had some wise words for you, but I don't. I know how scary it is to seem okay one minute and then just crash the next, and think nothing's ever going to change and it's going to be miserable forever. I know that feeling of wanting to die and wanting to SI. I really, really "get" how you are feeling, and I know it's scary. What helps me is to write, write, write it all down... and to cry it out, and sleep when it all becomes too much. Please hang in there and keep posting. I really like reading your posts and I'm glad you found the board. You do matter to lots of people.
Posted by lucy stone on August 20, 2004, at 14:30:14
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
> I started crying reading your post. Thanks for caring. I just miss my ex-therapist so much, can't afford to see him or anyone else
Is there any way you can access the care you need? I know it is really, really hard to find affordable mental health care, but is there a clinic or somewhere you can go?
(he rejected me anyway, I'm too much of a mess)
Susan, he didn't reject you because you are a mess. If he did reject you he did for his own reasons and not because of you.
and I want to die.
Do you want to die or do you want the pain the stop? Those are two very different things. Even if your life is very hard right now your children need you. Can you see all the good you bring to their lives? You need to live for them even if you can't see that you need to live for you right now.
I'm beginning to understand SI and that really scares me but I need to stay sane. I'm scared of living and I'm whining. Sorry.
You don't sound whiny to me and you have nothing to be sorry for. Lots and lots of us have been where you are right now. We care about you and want to find joy in your life again.
Posted by Poet on August 20, 2004, at 15:19:45
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
Susan,
I'm so sorry you're falling apart. I've been there and know how hard it is to keep those pieces together.
Please post more when you're ready, I'll try to send some cyber glue to keep you together if I can.
Poet
Posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:31:50
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
Susan, you're not whining! And if you were, that's OK too! You are a very cool, interesting person and I'm glad that I met you on this board. Like the other posters, I care about you & enjoy reading what you write here.
Please, please don't give in to SI. I know the lure is strong. I've been tempted on occasion, too -- I get so mad at myself that it seems like I 'deserve' to be hurt, somehow. YOU, SUSAN, do NOT deserve to be hurt! You deserve to be treated gently and kindly. You deserve lots of love and happiness. This is true!
You mentioned your kids. Are they old enough to be a support for you? How about family or friends nearby? How about Mr.'s Ben and Jerry?
I know, I know, icecream is a really lame solution for such a grave sadness, but sometimes the tasty carbs are a nice treat and help up the serotonin in the old brain... (young brain, that is -- I didn't mean old as in "aged" --)
I bought a wooden butterfly at a craft store today; I'm going to paint it pretty pastels for a new baby in the family. (not mine...but still very loved!) I will think of you as I paint, and will wish that I could help paint happiness for you. It will be a Susan Butterfly. (I know that's prob. pretty corny, but I am corny sometimes...and I think you have a pretty heart, like a butterfly!)
Keep telling us what's going on. Maybe that will help? (hopefully?)
take care!
JenStar
Posted by Rubenstein on August 20, 2004, at 15:37:56
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:31:50
My thoughts are with you, I have also been in a similiar place with my SI, and wanting to die. I hope the day looks up for you. ((())))
Posted by lonelygal on August 20, 2004, at 16:55:30
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
Hi Susan. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now. Can you somehow try to distract yourself from thinking so much right now- like maybe watch a movie, read a magazine, etc. I really hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 19:01:10
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:25:25
I'm sorry, Susan. I certainly know how that feels. Especially being afraid of living. Have you tried different therapy options? Sliding rate clinics, therapists in training (as long as they get good supervision), etc.? And medications of course. Your ability to function every day is worth a great deal. Your kids need you.
Please don't worry about venting here. It's a good place to vent. Especially if there are a lot of stressors in your life right now.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 19:08:19
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by vwoolf on August 20, 2004, at 14:01:39
Oh dear vwoolf, you have no idea how your post touched me. I'm so afraid now that I'm addicted to Babble. One up side though, I suppose it could be heroin. Which may be worse. I suppose.
I'm so happy you could talk to your old school teacher.. Does it a feel the same to you as it does to me? I feel like those people from the past are so very special to me, and it isn't until something happens and I'll see someone from so long ago, when I was such a different person than I am today... and I realize how much people meant to me in my lifetime. It's a very special experience.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 19:11:56
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by underthecs on August 20, 2004, at 14:11:20
Underthecs, I'm afraid I'm doing a very stupid thing now and using the Board to write, write, write it all down.
I can't believe there are people out there in this world who've felt like I have MOML.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 19:16:23
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by lucy stone on August 20, 2004, at 14:30:14
There're a couple of options which would access me affordable psych care and I absolutely cannot do them.
Thanks, gotta go.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 20:45:33
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:31:50
A Susan butterfly? I would say, "I love you" but we've never met. That is just the nicest thing to say. You are an incredibly thoughtful person.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 20:47:34
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Rubenstein on August 20, 2004, at 15:37:56
Thanks for your thoughts: I did something smart (!) after I realized the shape I was in and I let blackberry bushes do the SI for me. It was nice to have an afternoon in the beach wind.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 20:52:19
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by lonelygal on August 20, 2004, at 16:55:30
Actually the problem was I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling... or rather, not feeling. You know that deadness that creeps up? With me I can feel it for weeks, it's there in the background waiting to snatch me but I manage to fight it off, fight it off. Then suddenly overnight or from one second to next, it's upon me. Not there, but *in me*, it *is me*. It's the old me, the horrible me who can't stand herself or her life or anybody or anything in it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just have to do this. I mean I have to let it out here. I'm sorry guys.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 20:56:55
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by Dinah on August 20, 2004, at 19:01:10
Thanks Dinah, you're very sweet. I'm reducing my AD because I was getting anxiety attacks, that were making me feel like I was going to d**. And I felt like I was a wee bit manic, out of control, and that really scared me, it was *almost* as bad as the feeling I had before the AD, only without the *being bad* element to it. Or not as much, anyway. Let's say, overconfidence. I keep saying this, I can't afford to hate myself, I can't.... Ack.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 22:39:50
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » lucy stone, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 19:16:23
> There're a couple of options which would access me affordable psych care and I absolutely cannot do them.
> Thanks, gotta go.Susan,
I'm sorry this is such a rough patch. Please don't worry about using Babble for venting or support. That's why we are here! No one keeps track of how much support is given versus received. It's like that penny tray at convenience stores. If you have a penny you leave one, but if you need one, you are free to take. No worries.Now, you said you had some options, but you couldn't pursue them. I'm curious about that. Can you talk a little more about them?
Take care, sweetie.
gg
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 22:52:44
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 22:39:50
GG, You are one of the sweetest people. I've been watching you on the Board and I know you're very caring. Thanks for that.
Well, the options mean talking to complete strangers and starting over at the beginning and who knows knowing stuff about me and I just cannot do that I just don't want to do that ever again.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 0:27:35
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 22:52:44
Starting over sounds like a pain in the patooey.
But it does have interest. Hmmmm....
I'd be willing to bet if you started over, you would realize just how much you've grown since the first time. And that would be the new baseline/starting point. So, it really isn't quite starting over. Is it even possible to "start over?"
Just thinking out loud. Or out type.
Posted by lucy stone on August 21, 2004, at 6:48:38
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 22:52:44
> GG, You are one of the sweetest people. I've been watching you on the Board and I know you're very caring. Thanks for that.
> Well, the options mean talking to complete strangers and starting over at the beginning and who knows knowing stuff about me and I just cannot do that I just don't want to do that ever again.Oh boy, can I relate to this. It was very, very, difficult for me to talk to me first T and our relationship ended in a disasterous way for me. He managed to talk me into seeing someone else, I knew I should but the idea of it... He wrote a letter to my new T, putting in the major issues we were working on , and that helped a bit. I didn't have to start over right from the beginning. I was so terrified at the idea that I had my husband call and make the first appointment for me. I have asked him what he thought about that, and he said that it made him realize the extent of my anxiety about talking to him. Do you have someone you trust who could make the initial contact for you?
Posted by gardenergirl on August 21, 2004, at 7:31:11
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by lucy stone on August 21, 2004, at 6:48:38
>I was so terrified at the idea that I had my husband call and make the first appointment for me. I have asked him what he thought about that, and he said that it made him realize the extent of my anxiety about talking to him. Do you have someone you trust who could make the initial contact for you?
>I think this is a great idea from Lucy. You can also ask for your records from the first T to be sent to the new T, so that they have some idea about what you worked on with him.
I know the idea of telling your story again might be gut-wrenching. You've done it already, though. You have some idea of what it can be like. You might find in the re-telling, that you've figured something new out. Or you'll see the progress that you made with your old T. Who knows, you might really click with a new T, and it could turn out to be wonderful?
Please consider trying again when you are ready. In the meantime, take care. And thanks for your kind words. :)
gg
>
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 10:20:18
In reply to Options » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on August 21, 2004, at 0:27:35
You're right Mel. I like your insight. Maybe I'm still processing things from weeks ago. I feel like I've stopped though. I mean, I'm looking and feeling pretty drab again and those are never good signs. I'm loving my children though and repairing my relationship with them, thanks to the person who asked. It's love for my children that can still make me pull up my bootstraps and go on trying. It's the only thing.
Posted by shortelise on August 21, 2004, at 13:10:08
In reply to Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:19:53
Susan, I feel for you.
Here you are, thinking, writing, talking... and feeling.
Sometimes I feel that the best I can do is just that, the best I can do, and I have to accept it.
My mother was depressed a lot when I was a child, and what I never, ever heard from anyone was that it wasn't about me. I needed someone to say to me, y'know, Mommy gets very unhappy sometimes but it's not because of anything you did. Nothing you could do could ever make Mommy feel the way she does. Etc.
Susan, how is it that we can have such good insight into others (talking about you more than me!) yet when it comes to our own caca de bull we get lost in it?
WHen I write to you I always have the feeling that I'm not saying anything you don't know.
ShortE
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 15:49:45
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by shortelise on August 21, 2004, at 13:10:08
Shortelise, Your momma sounds a lot like both my parents, I really really feel for you. And I'm trying desperately not to hand that down to my own children. I suspect I've already given it to my oldest, who's 20. I love him so much but it hurts hurts hurts knowing I handed much of my paint right along. I'm trying so hard not to do that again. Self-awareness is the most difficult job I've ever had, but it's also rewarding. I don't think it hurts any more than not being aware, in any case.
About knowing stuff? I know nothing. I only feel and try to make sense of that. Like all of us I suspect. Okay. Enough melodrama.. well maybe not. Here goes. I just have to say it or I'm going to call CW's machine all day and use up all its' space and his patience. Again. I love that man he's beautiful I feel like he's a tender spirit I want to touch and be close to him and put my cheek against his and just hold it there. (We're talking face, don't anybody be a smart-*** okay). Sorry. Aaaaah. I hurt. How is it possible that the space in your chest where your heart is, can physically hurt when you're in emotional pain? It isn't right. Thanks for reading. Ack. Omigod it's a good thing I have a busy day. I have to be saved from myself.
Did anyone see the movie "Thirteen"? It was excellent. I thought. Anybody else have any opinions?
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 15:51:29
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » shortelise, posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 15:49:45
Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 18:23:37
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again » Susan47, posted by shortelise on August 21, 2004, at 13:10:08
ShortE, I re-read your last post to me on this thread and it hit me that your last sentence might have been something about not showing yourself the respect you deserve. Of course, you must know that you do bring new understanding to me, and to lots of people, all the time, right?! Now if I'm wrong in my interpretation (I've never been known to be wrong pffft) please forgive me and straighten me out. In either case, thank you.
Posted by shortelise on August 21, 2004, at 21:20:44
In reply to Re: Life is falling apart again, posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2004, at 18:23:37
Susan,
So many here seem more "advanced" than I feel I am.
It's all just moment to moment for me. WHen people write pain, I want to send some kind of comfort, because the pain of ... well, is it madness? Is it emotional distress? Call it what we may, the pain of it is so, so familiar to me. It brings out a certain maternalism, because I myself often want to be held, gently, tenderly held as if I were a child, so my response to someone else's pain is to want to hold them.
It's important to me that I not appear to think I have THE answer. A book I read part of a few years ago "Suffering from Illusion" by Dr. S. Brenner talks about chess and checkers - I like this analogy - that we go along playing chess with checker rules and can't figure out why we're losing the game.
To use the same analogy - sort of - each of us have our own set of how we live, how we see the world. And for me to pretend that how I see the solution to anyone's problems could be "the truth" would be absurd. You might be playing chess and I checkers, so my rules for sure wouldn't help at all.Needless to say, my mother is a person who thinks the world is as she perceives it. If she thinks a colour is brown, and to me it looks burgundy, she thinks I am seeing it wrong. No no, it's certainly not burgundy, it's brown, without a doubt. Ah... I don't want to do that to anyone else.
With a few exceptions, with good friends whom I know so very well, I would not presume to know better for anyone.
Reading here the other day it hit me that I went years, like 40 years! without understanding I was having anxiety attacks.
I now realize I have tons of feelings that express themselves in my body, but I don't know what they mean, what emotions --- argh, it's hard to describe what I mean --- my feelings are sensations in my body, and I don't know what they are. Does that make any sense?
Sorry I didn't mean to go on like this.
You're welcome. And thanks for writing that I brought you new understanding. I struggle so much.
ShortE
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