![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by toomuchpain on May 7, 2004, at 17:34:19
In reply to What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 17:16:25
bi polar affects me in so many ways ... it makes life alot more complicated .. my realitonships are always in turmoil .. and my moods are never predicteable ... it has interfered with my everyday life cus of the ups and down .. the meds i am on is nerurotion and lexapro and loreazapm .. the meds make me very sleepy and makes me eat alot which makes me more miserable .. is that what u were looking for or is it something else
toomuchpain
Posted by ghost on May 7, 2004, at 17:52:53
In reply to What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 17:16:25
hey, angel girl,
i've never know what it's like to NOT be bp, heh. but i'll try and answer some of your questions...
up until recently, i think i had this natural ability to adapt and use it to my advantage: when i was manic, full of energy, didn't need sleep, and felt i could change the world, that was when i got all of my major projects done for school, when i was heavily involved in outside activities, and generally just tried to do it all. i'm sure it was mania that sparked me to start a support group for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered/questioning teens in my area when i was in high school, enroll simultaneously in an EMT and CNA course, and drive to new orleans from new hampshire one weekend. when i'm manic, i'm on top of the world, and there isn't anything i can't accomplish.
(incidentally, also when i'm manic, i've been known to spend money like it's going out of style and seek out random sex partners, even when i'm otherwise committed to a partner. i do know of friends who get very mean and aggrivated when they are manic and are not as productive as i have been, so it varies from person to person.)
on the other side of things, when i'm depressed, it's all i can do to get out of bed in the morning (or anytime), let alone, shower, eat, or change my clothes. i shut out the people i care about, and i won't open up to anyone. i fantasize about death and dying. years ago, i used to sleep all the time: i'd go to work or school (depending on which time in my life this was), come home, sleep straight through until i had to be at work or school the next day. it was like i was on autopilot, going through the motions of life so no one would suspect anything was wrong with me.
then i'd become manic again, and i'd make up for everything i didn't get done when i was depressed.
however, in recent years, things have been a little different. i seem to have some weirdness with my depression where when i'm so depressed i'm contemplating taking my own life, i become giddy and happy at the prospect of doing so. or when i'm so manic i can change the world, i become depressed that no one will *let* me change the world. (i think this might be "rapid cycling," but i've not talked to any professionals about it yet.) it's affected my relationships in that once i shut people out, i don't tend to let them back in. plus whatever wear and tear it has on their own psyches, being with someone so unpredictable and unstable. i know i've lost friends just because i've shut them out for no real tangible reason, or a reason that may have been minor to another person. (is this the bpd talking or the bp? i'm not sure.)
it's been tough with jobs in the past... i used to work full-time until i decided to attend college. (for the first two semesters, i worked and went to school full-time-- the mania was handy then!) it's much easier to be bp when you're in college... unless you really require a strict, regimented schedule, it's easy to work the mania and depression around classes (or if you don't go, no one cares), and you can work at your own pace (relatively speaking). at a job, it's much harder. if you show up unwashed and in the same clothes you've work for three days, it's a little more awkward. i've had jobs where i've called in for two weeks solid before finally calling one last time to say "you know what? this isn't working out" and quitting, because i couldn't get out of bed. i was lucky in most instances where i could afford to be unemployed for a month or so before finding a new job, but at this point in my life, i don't have that luxury.
i'm hoping that if i have a job i enjoy and get into a regular schedule, my symptoms will dissipate. (this may be false hopes, however.) I've decided to quit graduate school after a year and enter the work force, so right now i'm in transition between phases of my life. i'll let you know how the job thing works out when i get one.
as far as meds go, i was misdiagnosed as depressed the first time i saw a doctor many years ago. i was put on an anti-depressant, and was consequently manic for the next 18 months until i took myself off of the drug (inadvertently, but it ended up being for the best). last year, i was put on abilify, which worked great to level things out between the highs and lows until i hit a deep depression a few months ago. i took myself off the meds and actually have an appointment this Monday to try to reestablish the med thing again. we'll see how that goes.
i think what gets to me the most about being bp is the extremes between manic and depressed. when you're manic, you're on top of the world-- so when you're depressed, it makes that jump between "happy" and "not happy" seem that much worse. if you've known the highs of mania, then the lows of depression seem even lower and even more desolate.
sorry to be so long-winded. i hope it helps a little. take care of yourself, and maybe try to treat yourself to something you enjoy.
-ghost
Posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 20:18:20
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by toomuchpain on May 7, 2004, at 17:34:19
> bi polar affects me in so many ways ... it makes life alot more complicated .. my realitonships are always in turmoil .. and my moods are never predicteable ... it has interfered with my everyday life cus of the ups and down .. the meds i am on is nerurotion and lexapro and loreazapm .. the meds make me very sleepy and makes me eat alot which makes me more miserable .. is that what u were looking for or is it something else
> toomuchpain
Thank you toomuchpain and ghost for your repiles. My meds have kept the highs under controls and left me with depression which varies at any given time to different degrees, right now almost bottoming out.toomuchpain - can you please elaborate on what you mean by saying that your relationships are in turmoil? I have found that in the last week I have seemed to have sabatoged every single one of my friends to the point that they have left me. I feel very alone now and that depresses me more. I don't have any friends where I am, only what I 'had' on the net.
I don't work, I'm on LTD (a benefit from work) and have been since the end of 2001. I've tried the 'back to work' program several times but now have been off solid since May 2003. At this point I'm feeling in the last 2 years I am no further ahead in being able to function 'normally' than I was before. I feel like I've made no progress and the last 2 years have been unproductive. I feel my life is spiraling out of control in a downward motion and my depression deeping at a very high speed. My former friends think I'm manipulate, looking for attention, acting like a child and looking for pity. Of course, I don't see things the same. Maybe I'm delusional.
I'm currently taking the following meds:
750mg/daily Depakote
250mg/daily Lamictal
112.5mg/daily Effexor XR
150mg/daily of Klonopin
1.5mg/daily XanaxI feel that none of my meds is helping me at all and wonder if I need to get a second opinion by a different pdoc.
I'm just so very depressed, a lot more than I was 2 weeks ago, due to the loss of ALL my friends. Then I have my son and his girlfriend come into my apartment and find my apartment not maintanined (understatement) and know that I NEVER leave my apt except to go to the bank and grocery store.
Just looking to see how common my life is to others who are BP as well.
I don't want to get suicidal again and right now I'm just above that line due to the chaos that I have created in my life.
What is your reaction to this? Does any of it sound familiar or am I all alone here.
Angel Girl :(
Posted by ghost on May 7, 2004, at 20:32:32
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 20:18:20
I don't have a lot of experience, but I think you're on an awful lot of meds to still be depressed and battling with depression. I suggest maybe an evaluation or a second opinion of another pdoc?
I think it's really positive that you recognize your depression and want to change it, though. I think that's something to hang on to. Sometimes it helps me to feel better.
Posted by toomuchpain on May 8, 2004, at 10:19:38
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 7, 2004, at 20:18:20
well what i mean my realtionships are in turmoil is i do have boyfriend and i have a few sex patners ... and i love my boyfreind and all but i keep going behing his back and sleeping with other ppl .. friends well i dony have any because of my ups and downs... my parnets they have a very hard time dealing with my moods so i dont have any healthy realtionships
Posted by Angel Girl on May 9, 2004, at 15:35:12
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by toomuchpain on May 8, 2004, at 10:19:38
toomuchpain - I'm the same way, not with the sexual partners, but with not having friends because of my moods. They can't handle it and they keep telling me to not blame it on being BP, although I never bring that subject up.
ghost - I was feeling the same way. I don't think my meds are working for me. I'm severely depressed and I think whatever meds I should be on should do a lot more for me than what they are. I'm tired of feeling so low. I don't know if I need more anti-depressant or if it's the mood stabilizers that are not working or both. I do want to go for a 2nd opinion and I'm going to mention it at my next pdoc appt this Thursday. I'm sick of living like this and wonder if it is even possible to feel 'normal' again, whatever that is, I don't know anymore.
Thanks to both of you for your input.
Angel Girl :(
Posted by B2chica on May 10, 2004, at 8:50:20
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 9, 2004, at 15:35:12
What is it like? it's like Everything! it's like a tornado running your life, it's like the calm after the storm, it's like winning the lottery, it's like loosing your life's savings. It's like your first love, it's like a dog pissing on your leg!
This may seem crazy but I feel blessed to be bipolar, i truly FEEL life. It can be absolutely devistating at times but what goes down must come up and when i'm regulated i look at experiences i've had and feel lucky that i was able to feel life SO intensly, to Love that strongly, to truly empathise with humanity, to give with all i have.
Being bipolar is like living 110% when the rest of the world only feels about 60%.
Embrace who you are and Fight with that 110% when you struggle!AngelGirl, just a couple more comments. How long have you been on those meds? with my pdoc he was insistent that i stay on each set for at least a month, sometimes they can take 4-6 weeks before you see any major transformations. If you have been on them for a while then i would Definately ask to try something else. Don't ask, TELL that you want to try new. You should not have to live your life in pain. There will always be ups and downs in your life but they should NEVER be constant. There is help, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
i was on Effexor and had terrible side effects, zyprexa, seemed to help but only with highs. xanax (oldy but a goody).
tried Symbyax, didn't work at all. Now i'm on Xanax, trileptal, wellbutrinXL, strattera(adhd) and seroquel. This combo seems to be working for me. I am back working full time, seeing a GP, pdoc, and psychologist. This combination is just right for me. Have faith that you too will find the right combo. And Keep posting here, this is THE BEST SUPPORT i've found.
Best of luck.
B2c.
Posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 14:25:44
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? ? Angel Girl, posted by ghost on May 7, 2004, at 20:32:32
that's what I was going to say. That's a long list of meds and it seems like some of them would cancel each other out. I'd get a second opinion regarding your meds. I have a friend who is severely bipolar (I'm bipolar II so they say, I think I'm plainly depressed) and she was on a huge list of meds and just miserable and had gained a lot of weight, primarily from the depakote. I shared some research on the newer medications like tegretol (not really new) lamictal, trileptal, etc. (there are even some newer ones coming out) and she got a second opinion and is doing tremendously better. She looks so much better! And has lost at least 25 pounds. She felt like she was just buried under all those meds. The trick is to level you out without numbing you to the world.
I'm currently reading a book called Feeling Good and studying up on cognitive therapy. It's good and I recommend it.
starlight
Posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 15:56:35
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 14:25:44
> I shared some research on the newer medications like tegretol (not really new) lamictal, trileptal, etc. (there are even some newer ones coming out)
Starlight (beautiful name btw), what newer ones have you heard of? is there a site online that you got this info or was it from your doc?
curious.
B2c.
Posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 16:39:10
In reply to Starlight, new drug question for you..., posted by B2chica on May 11, 2004, at 15:56:35
My old arse of a Pdoc wanted to put me on Depakote and I immediately started gaining weight. I have a good friend whom I work with and is a psychiatrist and he gave me the names of the newer drugs. So I researched them and went to my next session with inarguable research in hand; he started talking FDA approval, blah blah and I said "Don't even get me started on FDA approval!" He gave in and they've been great. No side effects like weight gain. You've gotta be careful to titrate slowly with Lamictal, but it's an excellent drug. Search for Lamictal and Bipolar disorder and the same with Trileptal and tegretol and then talk to your doc.
Being too drugged up hampers forward progress (I think). I think Cognitive therapy is good too.
starlight
Posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2004, at 16:40:45
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 14:25:44
That is a really helpful book. My p-doc has been excellent at responding when I have had too many balls in the air with meds. I am mildly bipolar2 (is that like a little bit pregnant?) with GAD and panic attacks, and she has not wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer. Some of the hypomania is severe (at least by my standards - what else have I known?) but the work I have done with my T has helped me ground myself during those episodes.
Posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 16:48:04
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? ? starlight, posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2004, at 16:40:45
The one thing that I'm almost positive that I suffer from and that no one has ever treated me for is PTSD. Read INTERESTING DREAM - Terminating Psychiatrist and you'll get a picture of why I think that. I like the mood stabilizers but I also like being hypomanic, just don't like being depressed, though I'm not sure that I'm bipolar either and think I'm depressed with PTSD but what the heck do I know. But NO mood stabilizers that dull me or have horrible side effects, I'd rather learn to live with my disease. Luckily there seems to be newer and newer generations of anti-convulsants coming on the market, so that's good. Why doesn't she want to put you on a mood stabilizer?
starlight
Posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 5:59:58
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 16:48:04
Thanks for everybody's opinions. I feel my meds are doing absolutely nothing for me. I'm severely depressed and feel my life is never going to change. I feel so hopeless and lonely with no self-worth or self-esteem.
I'm going to try and get a 2nd opinion on my meds. I can't understand why the ones I'm taking aren't doing anything for me except keeping me alive. I used to be extremely suicidal and I often wish that God had not saved me from myself.
I don't have a therapist, so I'm looking for one but it has to be one that is covered by the government, or else I can't afford it.
I often wonder what the point of living is. :(
Angel Girl
Posted by partlycloudy on May 12, 2004, at 7:14:27
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 16:48:04
She once told me that if she put me on them I would never get off of them. Maybe because she considers the hypomania too mild for treatment? I guess getting yourself fired from multiple jobs doesn't constitute extremely manic bevahiour. I was on zyprexa briefly (prescribed by a physician's assistant I had never met before nor since) that was very, very bad for me. I slept for 16 hours a day and ate ravenously, packing on 15 lbs in a month. Plus it was the first time I had felt the slightest suicidal.
Posted by B2chica on May 12, 2004, at 10:00:03
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar?, posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 5:59:58
> Thanks for everybody's opinions. I feel my meds are doing absolutely nothing for me.
-first, you answered thisone with your comment below of getting 2nd (or 3rd, 4th etc) opinions-Good For You!
>I'm severely depressed and feel my life is never going to change. I feel so hopeless and lonely with no self-worth or self-esteem.
Unfortunately there will be times like this, but know that with help (docs, friends, family etc) you WILL get better, you won't feel so hopeless OR lonely.
> I'm going to try and get a 2nd opinion on my meds. I can't understand why the ones I'm taking aren't doing anything for me except keeping me alive. I used to be extremely suicidal and I often wish that God had not saved me from myself.
Boy reading this gave me chills. I can't tell you how many times i've prayed to just let me die. To save everyone from me, the pain i cause them. That i've cursed myself for being so d@mn slow and stupid to not have completed the one job i should.
PLEASE know that we here UNDERSTAND these feelings. One thing you should be proud of is that you are expressing these feelings outwardly. You are no longer keeeping these in. The right med combo will come in time. i realize that knowledge doesn't make the 'now' any easier, but it's true. Please hang on tight, if you don't think you can, turn to us, call your pdoc, or Please go to the ER and get help. You are worth it Angel Girl, Please. There is so much waiting for you.> I don't have a therapist, so I'm looking for one but it has to be one that is covered by the government, or else I can't afford it.
is there anyone helping you with this? ask your GP or pdoc. they should be able to help you with this.
> I often wonder what the point of living is. :(
> Angel Girlthe point? God placed your soul here for a reason. to touch other souls, through your joy, pain, and daily works you touch SO many lives. Just look at all you've touched JUST by posting here. Babble would not be so great if it weren't for each of the beautiful people that gather here, both in pained spirits and in joyous.
You bring something to this place, something very unique, something bright, something touching, something specifically 'Angel Girl'.
NEVER forget that.
Love,
B2c.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 17:19:52
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 12, 2004, at 10:00:03
> > Thanks for everybody's opinions. I feel my meds are doing absolutely nothing for me.
>
> -first, you answered thisone with your comment below of getting 2nd (or 3rd, 4th etc) opinions-Good For You!
>
> >I'm severely depressed and feel my life is never going to change. I feel so hopeless and lonely with no self-worth or self-esteem.
>
> Unfortunately there will be times like this, but know that with help (docs, friends, family etc) you WILL get better, you won't feel so hopeless OR lonely.
>
> > I'm going to try and get a 2nd opinion on my meds. I can't understand why the ones I'm taking aren't doing anything for me except keeping me alive. I used to be extremely suicidal and I often wish that God had not saved me from myself.
>
> Boy reading this gave me chills. I can't tell you how many times i've prayed to just let me die. To save everyone from me, the pain i cause them. That i've cursed myself for being so d@mn slow and stupid to not have completed the one job i should.
> PLEASE know that we here UNDERSTAND these feelings. One thing you should be proud of is that you are expressing these feelings outwardly. You are no longer keeeping these in. The right med combo will come in time. i realize that knowledge doesn't make the 'now' any easier, but it's true. Please hang on tight, if you don't think you can, turn to us, call your pdoc, or Please go to the ER and get help. You are worth it Angel Girl, Please. There is so much waiting for you.
>
> > I don't have a therapist, so I'm looking for one but it has to be one that is covered by the government, or else I can't afford it.
>
> is there anyone helping you with this? ask your GP or pdoc. they should be able to help you with this.
>
> > I often wonder what the point of living is. :(
> > Angel Girl
>
> the point? God placed your soul here for a reason. to touch other souls, through your joy, pain, and daily works you touch SO many lives. Just look at all you've touched JUST by posting here. Babble would not be so great if it weren't for each of the beautiful people that gather here, both in pained spirits and in joyous.
> You bring something to this place, something very unique, something bright, something touching, something specifically 'Angel Girl'.
> NEVER forget that.
> Love,
> B2c.
>
>
b2cYes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it, which is few and far between. When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
I'm not sudical right now but have been in the past and quite severely for quite awhile. I wish I had the nerve to carry it through. Now I don't want to but I'm VERY unhappy with my life. The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.
My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment. I never have the ambition, energy or desire to ever do anything. They had a talk with me and told me that it's not normal to live like this and look at all the pills I'm taking and they're not working. My son thinks I'm taking way too many meds when he can see that there has been no improvement in the last 2 years. I don't think he would question it if I had made changes for the better but I haven't. He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow. Other than that, Iive been looking on the net and in the phone book for therapists. But I can't afford to pay them, so that really narrows down the avalibility. Most charge. I MUST go to someone that is paid by the government.
I do believe that God places each of us on this earth and allows whatever happens in each of our lives good or bad to transpire. I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter. I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason. I'm told I'm BP2. I don't experience hypomania anymore just SEVERE depression. I try to hide it from my family so that they don't worry. I have told my pdoc though. I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.
I thought the mood stabilizers would help me to feel 'normal', whatever that is. I'm just sooooo tired of feeling so sad and crying, sometimes not even knowing the reason why. Is it too much to ask to have a happy life? And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
Thanks for your reply. It means a lot to me.
Sorry this is so long. :(
Angel Girl
Posted by B2chica on May 13, 2004, at 10:29:26
In reply to Re: What is it like to be bi-polar? (long) » B2chica, posted by Angel Girl on May 12, 2004, at 17:19:52
Sorry so long.
> Yes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it.-we all do this no matter what problems or concerns we have, people don't like rejection so they test to be safe.
>When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
-if they flee at all, then they weren't ever real friends and right now in your life you don't need that. and for the record, i may only post once in a while but i will not abandoned you. after reading this reply it seems we have a lot more in common than you'd know.
-You may think you screw things up but maybe what you are doing is testing that relationship-and choosing to force them away so that you "dump them" before they can hurt you.
> The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.-fyi, if i understand this correctly the mood stabilizers actually affect the synapses(electrical current) not the chemical imbalance, so you will need both a mood stabilizer as well as and AD. i'm using trileptal (MS) and WellbutrinXL (AD) along with some others but this combo has Really made a HUGE difference in my life.
> My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment.
-first of all, i think Anyone who has depression has delt with this issue, you're lucky if you can get out of bed let alone pick up anything or clean anything. 2ndly, it's not anyone's place to judge how you live...i think your son i just concerned like you mention about the amount of drugs you're on and that he sees no improvement.>He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
-What a wonderful son. This shows he cares and that he's not just critisizing.
> My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow.
-This is a Very good start! it sounds like your son would jump on the bandwagon to help out here too if you asked.
> I do believe that God places each of us...I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter.
-Who says God WANTS you to go through this? I may be wrong, but i've always believed that God knows everything that we will experience in our lifetime but because we all have free will, life just happens. I think of God as someone who made the "foundation" of us, made the building blocks of our life but didn't lay out the road.>I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason.
-it's because it is a Physiological issue, something you cannot control or "shake off".>i told my pdoc I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
-see, you have a plan. and your son is right there walking with you, by your side. You have someone that loves you obviously through it all, good and bad. Hang on to that.
> I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression...
-just so you know, people don't typically come here because they just won the lottery. At one time or another we all have felt depression or anxiety or mania or voices...etc.
That's what makes babble So Great! people here understand.
>...which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.-don't make that call. What's great about a discussion board is people won't read what they don't want to and no one knows the difference. And don't assume that your emotional experience is bringing others down, in fact. i come here (as i'm sure do others) to read to find someone that is experiencing something similar to what i'm feeling. Therefore you exact expressions may make someone feel just a little less alone in this world, just a little more accepted, just a little more loved, or just a little less like an "unwanted".
True, we all have our demons to deal with,but that's why we're all here, we are helping each other bit by bit, to deal, to cope, to fight, and to hang on.
>Is it too much to ask to have a happy life?
-NEVER!!!!! You Desever it Just as Everyone does! Never doubt that!>>And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
-boy, again this is major commonality, i'm in the process of trying to express this to my therapist but can't seem to say it. I'm trying to deal with some past issues, (even a few you've mentioned). but when i think of mine, i remember when i was in the hospital and one of the people i met was repeatedly raped by her own father for years, one woman had been raped and sodomized and was dealing with what was probably terminal cancer, and one other was a young man MAYBE 20 that had been molested and sodomized several times growing up.
When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS.
i don't have a lot of great advice here cuz i'm going through this too, but one comment my T made was that it won't do me any good to compare my "problems" to others because i'm not them. i have no right to compare, one way or another. That these are MY problems and that's what makes the difference. Even if they are infact small problems they are still mine and they still need to be delt with.I hope that in even a little way what i've written to you will get across that I do care, and that I (though may not mean much) think you are important and worthwhile. Just get out there are start asking questions. And Please, hold on to that wonderful son of yours (though i don't think i need to tell you that).
Best of luck Angel Girl
-B2c.
Posted by starlight on May 14, 2004, at 13:16:50
In reply to Re: Your son... ? Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 13, 2004, at 10:29:26
>When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.>
It's extremely important that you choose carefully who you share your problems with, especially when it comes to mental illness. Most people don't know how to respond and feel very uncomfortable when you share this type of information. There are two types of friendships. There are frienships that exist on a more superficial level and friends with whom you have a "contract" with and can share your problems and vice versa. It's important to respect those people with whom the relationships are more superfical and understand the discomfort that they feel when you share this type of information that they're not ready to hear.The key here is SELF PRESERVATION. Understand that the reason you feel even more depressed is that you expected more out of them than they were able to give, thereby creating your own disappointment when they failed you.
I have a friend who really struggles with bipolar disorder. She felt that it was her job to help people understand her illness and as a result told her co-workers (all are yoga instructors, so she thought they would be very understanding) but these things scare people and as a result every time she did something they didn't like they discredited her - her illness made her behave that way. It only added to her suffering.
You should have one or two friends (or even JUST the people on this list until you find that one friend) with whom you have a 'contract' with. You can share your issues and they can share theirs knowing that it's okay to confide in them, they won't judge, but just offer support and encouragement. See the rest of your friends for what they are (more superficial) and respect that - it's okay! When you realize and accept that, you'll stop being disappointed by their behavior.
Good luck
Starlight
Posted by Angel Girl on May 14, 2004, at 14:23:45
In reply to Re: Your son... » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 13, 2004, at 10:29:26
> Sorry so long.
>
>
> > Yes, I do outwardly express my feelings but only to those I know can handle it.
>
> -we all do this no matter what problems or concerns we have, people don't like rejection so they test to be safe.
>
> >When I tell my net friends, they flee as fast as they can. I don't have any friends here, just the ones on the net and now I think they have all abandoned me too. I always do something to screw up relationships. I can't see to manage them. It's never their fault, always mine but I keep doing the same stupid things that turn them off.
>
> -if they flee at all, then they weren't ever real friends and right now in your life you don't need that. and for the record, i may only post once in a while but i will not abandoned you. after reading this reply it seems we have a lot more in common than you'd know.
>
> -You may think you screw things up but maybe what you are doing is testing that relationship-and choosing to force them away so that you "dump them" before they can hurt you.
>
> > The mood stablizers I'm on have kept me alive. I'm not sure I should be really grateful for that because I'm certainly not happy by any stretch of the imagination.
>
> -fyi, if i understand this correctly the mood stabilizers actually affect the synapses(electrical current) not the chemical imbalance, so you will need both a mood stabilizer as well as and AD. i'm using trileptal (MS) and WellbutrinXL (AD) along with some others but this combo has Really made a HUGE difference in my life.
>
> > My son and his girlfriend came to visit me several days ago and were appalled on the condition of my apartment.
> -first of all, i think Anyone who has depression has delt with this issue, you're lucky if you can get out of bed let alone pick up anything or clean anything. 2ndly, it's not anyone's place to judge how you live...i think your son i just concerned like you mention about the amount of drugs you're on and that he sees no improvement.
>
> >He has decided to go to my pdoc appt with me tomorrow to question my meds and progress, or lack thereof.
> -What a wonderful son. This shows he cares and that he's not just critisizing.
>
> > My GP doesn't seem to know of a therapist to send me to and I haven't asked my pdoc yet. I will tomorrow.
> -This is a Very good start! it sounds like your son would jump on the bandwagon to help out here too if you asked.
>
> > I do believe that God places each of us...I just can't imagine why he would want me to go through this or anybody else for that matter.
> -Who says God WANTS you to go through this? I may be wrong, but i've always believed that God knows everything that we will experience in our lifetime but because we all have free will, life just happens. I think of God as someone who made the "foundation" of us, made the building blocks of our life but didn't lay out the road.
>
> >I have gone through some pretty bad times in my life, including rape, sexual molestation and the law as well as numerous times of being depressed but none have taken a hold on me as much as this one. I can't seem to shake this one off for some reason.
> -it's because it is a Physiological issue, something you cannot control or "shake off".
>
> >i told my pdoc I'm not sure she is the right person for me either so I'm glad my son is coming with me tomorrow. I'd like to get his take on it.
>
> -see, you have a plan. and your son is right there walking with you, by your side. You have someone that loves you obviously through it all, good and bad. Hang on to that.
>
> > I don't see how I bring anything to this board except my depression...
> -just so you know, people don't typically come here because they just won the lottery. At one time or another we all have felt depression or anxiety or mania or voices...etc.
> That's what makes babble So Great! people here understand.
>
> >...which nobody needs to really read about. I don't want to bring others down to my level when they are dealing with their own demons.
>
> -don't make that call. What's great about a discussion board is people won't read what they don't want to and no one knows the difference. And don't assume that your emotional experience is bringing others down, in fact. i come here (as i'm sure do others) to read to find someone that is experiencing something similar to what i'm feeling. Therefore you exact expressions may make someone feel just a little less alone in this world, just a little more accepted, just a little more loved, or just a little less like an "unwanted".
> True, we all have our demons to deal with,but that's why we're all here, we are helping each other bit by bit, to deal, to cope, to fight, and to hang on.
>
> >Is it too much to ask to have a happy life?
> -NEVER!!!!! You Desever it Just as Everyone does! Never doubt that!
>
> >>And then when I talk about my problems to my net 'friends' they tell me that there is far more people a lot worse in the world ie: those suffering from cancer, etc. That only makes me feel even more guilty and unworthy and alone.
>
> -boy, again this is major commonality, i'm in the process of trying to express this to my therapist but can't seem to say it. I'm trying to deal with some past issues, (even a few you've mentioned). but when i think of mine, i remember when i was in the hospital and one of the people i met was repeatedly raped by her own father for years, one woman had been raped and sodomized and was dealing with what was probably terminal cancer, and one other was a young man MAYBE 20 that had been molested and sodomized several times growing up.
> When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS.
> i don't have a lot of great advice here cuz i'm going through this too, but one comment my T made was that it won't do me any good to compare my "problems" to others because i'm not them. i have no right to compare, one way or another. That these are MY problems and that's what makes the difference. Even if they are infact small problems they are still mine and they still need to be delt with.
>
> I hope that in even a little way what i've written to you will get across that I do care, and that I (though may not mean much) think you are important and worthwhile. Just get out there are start asking questions. And Please, hold on to that wonderful son of yours (though i don't think i need to tell you that).
>
> Best of luck Angel Girl
>
> -B2c.
>
>
B2cWOW!!! You're so right, we do think very much alike. You think exactly like I do. It's good to know I'm not alone, not that I wish this hell on somebody else, but you know what I mean.
When you say that I'm forcing my friends away so that I can do that before they can do it first, that is so me. I really have abandonment issues and I'm so afraid that everyone is going to do it and they all say they would never do it, but it always happens none the same. But you're right, I create the situation to force them to leave me before they do it on their own. However, it doesn't make the abandonment any easier on me, it just reinforces that nobody will stick it out with me through thick and thin like I think all REAL friendships should be. As you said, any true friendship will stick with you through the good AND the bad, if not, then were they really a friend to begin with? I guess not, but it still hurts. I'm EXTREMELY self sabotaging in all areas of my life. The things I claim I want the most in life, I sabatoge with my own behavior, knowing full well that I'm doing it. That in itself is sick and goes along with my abandonment issues.
I am taking an AD, Effexor XR 187.5mg daily. One of my mood stabilizers is Lamictal, which is supposed to control more so depression than mania but neither seem to be enough. On a scale of 1 - 10 my depression doesn't seem to ever go above a 2 and most times, like now it sits at 1. I have been extremely suicidal in the past but I'm not now but the thought of death does cross my mind a lot but not strongly enough for me to act on it.
I agree wholeheartedly, I come here because there are others that are going through the same as I am so that I don't feel alone in my problems and I feel safe here, unlike other message boards where I run into relationship problems. My family is urging me strongly to stay away from any message boards except for Dr Bob's where maybe I can get some advice and support as you are giving me because this is the only place where others understand each other's pain even if it isn't exactly the same. We don't judge each other here, like is done on other message boards.
You're also right about my son. He sees me taking numerous psych meds and sees absolutely no improvement in the last 2 years except for the side effects that are apparent to everyone. He wants to see me get better and he feels I'm not, and he's right.
I agree with what you are saying about God but to my knowledge isn't BPII a chemical imbalance that we are born with? If so, then this is the way he created me.
<quote>
> When i think of them i can't help but think How Selfish i am to think my problems are ANYTHING compared to those, that i'm selfish, overly dramatic, attention seeking, useless, worthless, and shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS. <end quote>EXACTLY how I feel. But I guess your T is right. Whatever our problems are no matter how minute, they are still our problems and they affect us so they need to be dealt with. Although I agree totally with that, I still feel the guilt. I can't help but to feel like my problems are so small compared to what others have dealt with. It's an issue with me and of course, others that I have met on the net outside of this message board drive that home with me all the time.
It makes me feel more comfortable that you say you won't abandon me and that I am important and worthwhile. I do empathize with everyone who posts here and I feel their pain as if it is mine and even if just telling them I understand helps them then it makes me feel good because sometimes that's all we need, somebody who understands us and can give us a hug even if it is a cyber hug. I strongly believe that unless you're experiencing any kind of mental disorder, you truly can't understand what the person is going through no matter how hard you try. I understand the pain of the other posters here as I'm sure all of us do. That's very comforting in itself. It helps to feel that you're not all alone in the world.
Thank you for replying me. It means the world to me. I'm going to send you a cyber hug and hope that you can feel it.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}}
Angel Girl
Posted by B2chica on May 15, 2004, at 18:23:11
In reply to Re: Your son... (sorry long) » B2chica, posted by Angel Girl on May 14, 2004, at 14:23:45
AG
about friends...i have two friends at work that i know are good friends and would help me out/have helped me out when needed. But then there are times that i think, they don't Really know, they don't Really care...i feel so alone, and don't want to "pull" them into my...stuff...
-then a couple days later the fog lifts and i realize it was me saying this, not them...maybe it's a sideways paranoia but it's there none the less. Sometimes i feel closer to the people here at babble than anyone else.
And like your friends said, maybe that's what we need right now.Abandonment is your issue, mine is betrayal so i understand...it's just something we've learned to expect, i guess that's why i don't always let friends in or why i assume they don't REALLY know. i can't let them get that close cuz it hurts that much more when the time comes. The only advice i can add here is that i think if you can you should really try to see a psychologist (therapist) for your abandonment suffering. i'm new to this process but i know i can't live forever like this...it's killing me inside and i know i need help. So if you feel even 1/8th of the pain/hurt i feel Please look for help.
>> I agree with what you are saying about God but to my knowledge isn't BPII a chemical imbalance that we are born with? If so, then this is the way he created me.
-sorry but when i read this my first reaction was a chuckle and the words "smart @$$" came to mind...but yes, this is the way we were created. and to be completely honest i would not trade being bipolar2 for ANYTHING in the world. Through even the worst depression and the worst mania, i love the life that i've been able to experience because of my extreme emotions. I realize this is just IMHO, but it's how i personally feel.
> <quote>
> >...shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS. <end quote>
>
> Although I agree totally with that, I still feel the guilt. I can't help but to feel like my problems are so small compared to what others have dealt with.i can't express enough how exactly i feel like this. The bad part is i rock back and forth. At times i'm balled up in bed crying/screaming that i can't take the memories anymore and i need to tell Someone, that i will start talking to my T at the next visit, then by the time i go to my appt. i've all but talked myself out of it by the above self conversation of how trivial mine are and i'm selfish for even thinking anyone would care...guilt, guilt...etc. etc...
> I strongly believe that unless you're experiencing any kind of mental disorder, you truly can't understand what the person is going through no matter how hard you try.
-i used to think that my one "gift" in life was that i could truly empathize with others, i could infact really understand each persons pains and distraught, partially because of my life expereiences (i was off and on suicidal growing up...now i know why). But when my depression hit new levels, once i came above water again i realized that NO ONE unless they've experienced that could EVER understand. So maybe this is just one more reason Bipolar is a Dx in my life. Maybe...just maybe my experiences may help one more person seek out help or be a little less judgemental? who knows.
And (((((Angel Girl))))), right back at you. you made my day with that cyber hug...i'm REALLY needing it this weekend.
Thank you.
B2c.
> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}}
> Angel Girl
Posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 4:23:38
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 15, 2004, at 18:23:11
> AG
> about friends...i have two friends at work that i know are good friends and would help me out/have helped me out when needed. But then there are times that i think, they don't Really know, they don't Really care...i feel so alone, and don't want to "pull" them into my...stuff...
> -then a couple days later the fog lifts and i realize it was me saying this, not them...maybe it's a sideways paranoia but it's there none the less. Sometimes i feel closer to the people here at babble than anyone else.
> And like your friends said, maybe that's what we need right now.
>I'm not working right now and haven't since October 2001. I'm on long term disability from work. I have friends at work but I don't associate with them outside of the workplace. There are two girls there that will try to comfort me if I start to cry but most people don't understand it at all. They think it something that you can 'snap out of' or tell me that I have nothing to be depressed about and just stop thinking about things. I wish it was that easy. I just avoid talking about my issues at work. I keep it secret for the most part. They know I'm depressed but they don't know how deep that it can go, that I've been suicidal in the past (with several attempts) and that I have a chemical imbalance. Gosh, if they saw the line up of meds I have in my bathroom, I'm sure they would faint from the shock.
> Abandonment is your issue, mine is betrayal so i understand...it's just something we've learned to expect, i guess that's why i don't always let friends in or why i assume they don't REALLY know. i can't let them get that close cuz it hurts that much more when the time comes. The only advice i can add here is that i think if you can you should really try to see a psychologist (therapist) for your abandonment suffering. i'm new to this process but i know i can't live forever like this...it's killing me inside and i know i need help. So if you feel even 1/8th of the pain/hurt i feel Please look for help.
>I also have betrayal issues. I also over analyze everything to death and focus on one particular thing in an e-mail that might be negative. I've often been criticized for doing that, I know they're right but I can't seem to stop, I do it all the time. I'm still dealing with something that a girl that I 'thought' was my best friend said to me a couple of weeks ago. I haven't talked with her since. I'm really starting to get to the point of letting go of any friends I have that are not on this board or who I haven't met here. I've had a very hard time getting to that point but I think now I don't have any choice. I can't deal with anymore people who are going to walk in and out of my life like it's a revolving door and leave me in an emotional mess afterwards. I just can't relate to so-called 'normal' people, whatever that is. But like I said, I only have internet friends. I'm extremely shy and it's not easy for me to make friends and I NEVER go out. I feel like my apartment is my 'comfort zone'. My family keeps trying to get me to go out but I won't. I only go out when I'm forced to have to go to the bank, grocery shopping and doctor appointments. Other than that, I NEVER leave my 'comfort zone'. I'd be happy if somebody else could do all those things for me and I never had to go out but that's not realistic. My family says I live like a hermit and I know they're right but I'm happy with it even though they're not. I'm looking for a therapist now. I used to have one but I dumped her. She was too agressive for me, kind of the Dr Phil approach. I can't handle that. I need somebody who is compassionate and gentle. I'm not saying that they should be telling me everything I'm doing is right because I know that it's not. I just think there are different styles of getting through to different people. She admitted that she was hard on me and I always felt intimidated and that she was working for everybody else instead of helping me. She was always putting me down. I don't think that is the way to do therapy. At least not for me. When looking this time, I will ask them on the phone what style they use because there is no point of taking it any further if they are going to be the same as her.
> >> I agree with what you are saying about God but to my knowledge isn't BPII a chemical imbalance that we are born with? If so, then this is the way he created me.
>
> -sorry but when i read this my first reaction was a chuckle and the words "smart @$$" came to mind...but yes, this is the way we were created. and to be completely honest i would not trade being bipolar2 for ANYTHING in the world. Through even the worst depression and the worst mania, i love the life that i've been able to experience because of my extreme emotions. I realize this is just IMHO, but it's how i personally feel.
>Unlike you, I HATE being like this, especially when I was what I call being in 'the black hole' and extremely suicidal. I hate being unhappy all the time. I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of people hurting me, the betrayal, the abandonment and also others not understanding me. I just wish 'normal' people would all go away and leave me alone. I don't want to be with them or talk with them. They criticize me too much and tell me to not blame my actions on being BP, even though I don't even bring it up, and then they tell me that they need a 'break' from me. What kind of friend is that???
> > <quote>
> > >...shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS. <end quote>
> >
> > Although I agree totally with that, I still feel the guilt. I can't help but to feel like my problems are so small compared to what others have dealt with.
>
> i can't express enough how exactly i feel like this. The bad part is i rock back and forth. At times i'm balled up in bed crying/screaming that i can't take the memories anymore and i need to tell Someone, that i will start talking to my T at the next visit, then by the time i go to my appt. i've all but talked myself out of it by the above self conversation of how trivial mine are and i'm selfish for even thinking anyone would care...guilt, guilt...etc. etc...
>Me too. It would be so much better if you could talk with your therapist when you're in the midst of your pain. Do you journal? I don't but I've been advised to.
> > I strongly believe that unless you're experiencing any kind of mental disorder, you truly can't understand what the person is going through no matter how hard you try.
>
> -i used to think that my one "gift" in life was that i could truly empathize with others, i could infact really understand each persons pains and distraught, partially because of my life expereiences (i was off and on suicidal growing up...now i know why). But when my depression hit new levels, once i came above water again i realized that NO ONE unless they've experienced that could EVER understand. So maybe this is just one more reason Bipolar is a Dx in my life. Maybe...just maybe my experiences may help one more person seek out help or be a little less judgemental? who knows.
>I'm also BP and I feel the same way, that I can empathize with others that are suffering emotionally. It's like I can feel their pain, like it's mine. It tears me apart to see others suffer. I can't stand it. I'll even cry for them, I totally internalize it. I want to make it all better for them but I know that I can't. I can maybe offer some advice that is half way intelligent or just be there for them. Sometimes that's all we need, somebody to sit there and just listen and maybe throw in a hug.
> And (((((Angel Girl))))), right back at you. you made my day with that cyber hug...i'm REALLY needing it this weekend.
> Thank you.
> B2c.
>
>
> > {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}}
> > Angel Girl
>
> >I'm glad you felt the hug and thanks for sending one my way. Are you going to have to do something this weekend that you are dreading?Thanks,
Angel Girl
>
Posted by B2chica on May 19, 2004, at 10:14:02
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx » B2chica, posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 4:23:38
I'm sorry to hear you're not working right now, but maybe this is a good change for you. Maybe this will allow you to focus on you for a while.
-i Totally understand about the "snap out of it" comments. At first, even my husband was like that-expecially with the anxiety and mania.
-i too avoid talking about my issues at work, i only do with two people but i'm stopping that cuz i feel that i'm always focusing on Me and i don't want to become one of THOSE people.-i understand about the line up of Meds! wow do those suckers get expensive.
-I've had three (so-called) best girl-friends in my life, all three have betrayed me so badly that the things that have happened are the primary reasons i'm in therapy today. Things that give me nightmares, things that cut your very soul. And that is why i have Trust (and other) issues with women. and why even growing up i have primarily male friends.
So i understand and i am truly sorry that girl hurt you so deeply.
-but do remember, their not all made from the same mold, and you can't experience life without having a few important people in your life (IRL). But boy can that revolving door hurt.-Best of luck finding a therapist with a good fit. But you really need to find one that you can really "click" with.
and Good plan to ask for strategies ahead of time! good for you!
-and please don't worry so much about your families judgement on how you are living, it seems like that really hurts you how they feel. If you need to be like a hermit for now then that's that. And hopefully in time, with help. that will change.-and i don't know that i LOVE being depressed, or manic. But i've reached a point in my life (which has taken a LONG, LONG time where i love who i am. Flaws and all, i accept me. Luckily i came to this point about a year before my Dx and explosion of emotions. and i REFUSE to let them take that away from me. and in all Honesty, i think there's a little (or a lot) of fear driving behind that. if i let that feeling go-i know i will die. And there's too much exploring i have left to do. if i let myself go down that path there will be no turning back. I actually hate the mania more than the depression. I can't stand the mania, but either way neither last terribly long, so i think that helps. I've read that there are many BP that suffer from depression like 75% of the time. This must be horrible. I'm sorry you feel so much pain. But that also makes me think that maybe you should go to another pdoc and have them take another look at the meds you are on. Please, for yourself. You shouldn't have to have this much ache.
-i do journal, and that does help but...i still need more. In time...in time...
-you really should journal, it took me a while to get comfortable with this but it's worth it.
>>It's like I can feel their pain, like it's mine. It tears me apart to see others suffer. I can't stand it. I'll even cry for them, I totally internalize it.
-this is the worst, i'm glad you understand. It's the worst i think for me when i'm driving.it's like people concentrate more on themselves and their problems when their driving-cuz i'll catch a glimpse into their eyes and i have these rush of feelings, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes happy or confused...you name it, and it just sucks you from the inside out.B2c.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 11:42:22
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx, posted by B2chica on May 19, 2004, at 10:14:02
B2c
I've stopped talking completely to other ppl (outside of PB or friends that I met here) about my problems. I just don't want to hear what they have to say anymore. They don't understand and never will unless they experience it themselves, and I don't wish it on anybody. I just tell everybody that I'm 'fine', that's all people really want for an answer anyway. It's such a superficial question.
I do take a number of drugs but I have a good drug plan from work so for me the cost is very minimal. If I didn't have that plan, I'd be royally screwed. I don't know what I would do. I've often thought about that. Maybe the government pays??? I have no idea. I just know I wouldn't be able to continue taking them if I had to pay for them myself. Waaaaaay too expensive and then what would I do without them? I don't think I could exist without them. I think I'd end up being suicidal again.
I completely understand having to discuss the betrayal you've experienced from your friends in therapy. I will have to too, when I find a therapist. I've had some very horrible things said to me, especially when I was attempting suicide. They're angered words are still engrossed in my memory. I too have major trust issues and find that women can be so catty and I experience too many problems trying to relate to them and hold onto friendships. In high school all my friends were male. It was much better. I know far too well about that revolving door and how much it hurts. That's why it's much better to have male friends than female or to have no friends, which is what I've got now, other than internet friends. What is IRL?
A very huge problem for me is that I absolutely HATE myself, have no self-esteem or self-worth whatsoever and guilt is a major issue for me. I think if I could discover 'who' I really am and resolve the above issues, then 'maybe' some of my other issues will iron themselves out.
I don't have mania anymore. Once on mood stabilizers that stopped. Prior to that I was rapid cycling about 30 times a day. I couldn't handle it. It was a very horrible and painful time for me trying to endure it.
I suffer from depression almost every day. Some days better/worse than others. I don't even know what it is like to feel happy or joy anymore or even 'normal' for that matter. Can't remember the last time I felt that or even if I ever did. All I know is how unhappy I am and that I'm just existing and not living. I'm going through the motions like a zombie and nothing more. I feel that I don't fit anywhere in this world.
I am seriously contemplating getting a 2nd opinion before my pdoc adds more meds into my regimine. I'm not sure the ones she is contemplating are really what is best for me. I think they would have the opposite effect of what I need. I think I will contact the pdoc I've met before at the Center for Mental Health and Addiction for another 2nd opinion. He was extremely good and actually is also a professor for the leading university here for psychiatry. I've really lucked out in being sent to him before.
I've started to journal but because I'm not used to doing it, I tend to forget about it, ie: the last 2 days. Unfortunately at this point I have absolutely no recollection of the day before last. I have no idea what transpired that day. I guess that's another reason why I should journal and make a point of not forgetting to do it every day. I find my memory is just horrible now. I forget whether I've taken my meds, I forget the way to get to doctor's offices, where I put things, the date, the day of the week and even what month we are in. Just about a month ago, I thought it was November. I even forget about phone calls that apparently transpired and the person who I have supposedly talked to is ticked off at me because I didn't come when I was supposed to. Well, how was I supposed to know I was to get there if I don't even recall the phone call? I've also felt that phone calls have transpired that felt so real to me that apparently never happened at all. I think I'm losing reality now. I don't know what is or what isn't. I get everything confused.
I'm glad that you have found a way to accept yourself and all that goes along with it. It must be easier to deal with your problems that way. I've lost my sense of self along the way and I loathe the person that I have become and think there is an entirely different person on the inside of me trying to find her way out but doesn't know how. I think the outside will have to be pealed back in layers to get to my core and to discover who "I" am. I've wasted so many years and that in itself is sooooo depressing. I feel that I've wasted the best years of my life and I can't get them back. You can only move forward from where we are now. You can't reclaim what you've already lost except maybe the real us but not the time we've lost. It's so sad that I've let it go on for so long without getting the help that I've needed. That in itself makes me more depressed. :(
I hope you're having a good day today.
Angel Girl
Posted by B2chica on May 21, 2004, at 12:29:20
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx » B2chica, posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 11:42:22
wow, like lookin in a mirror. JH and HS i had male friends also, i had one Girl in JH and one in HS both f$%&ed me over BIG ways so i stuck with guys since.
IRL=in real life (aka not online)>>guilt is a major issue for me.
-boy understatement of the year...understand that one. My T wanted me to list some times that i feel guilty and i wrote out two pages (front and back!) we haven't even gotten past one yet. -not one page, one topic!
>>I think if I could discover 'who' I really am and resolve the above issues, then 'maybe' some of my other issues will iron themselves out.
-just remember to be patient, this all takes time and never easy.> I think I will contact the pdoc I've met before at the Center for Mental Health and Addiction for another 2nd opinion. He was extremely good and actually is also a professor...
EXCELLENT idea. Good for you!
> I've started to journal but because I'm not used to doing it, I tend to forget about it, ie: the last 2 days.
--don't worry about if you skip days or not, just write when you can or when you remember, soon it will become automatic.>>Unfortunately at this point I have absolutely no recollection of the day before last. I have no idea what transpired that day.
I forget whether I've taken my meds, I forget the way to get to doctor's offices....I think I'm losing reality now. I don't know what is or what isn't. I get everything confused.I understand exactly, but lucky for me i reached my peak while i was in the hospital. i actually would repeat myself to my husband like three times in a row with only a minute or so separation, he would look at me and say "you just said that" and i literally did not recall that. My husband would ask me a question, one minute later i would ask him that same question. The nurses would ask me questions and i'd answer them twice...felt like a loonatic, actually more than anything it scared the crap out of me, i was literally living second by second.
Point being, this seems to be part of the rapid cycling or mania. Also, have you asked your pdoc if you may have ADHD? when i went to new pdoc that's the first thing he tested me on and out of about 15 questions i answered about 13 yes- he looked at me and said "all of these?"- i said "yep, that's me to a T". So it was VERY strong. The strattera has helped but not HUGE difference, i feel like i did before all this avalanche started. i still have some memory issues but not the scary kind anymore.>It's so sad that I've let it go on for so long without getting the help that I've needed. That in itself makes me more depressed. :(
--Please don't do this...leave all this in the past. You can't go back in time and change this, that is what makes up our path in life. Believe me everyone would constantly be going back in life to change mistakes that they would miss all the new living. Don't go there. Just start from where you are. You should be VERY proud of yourself NOW, for you getting help, Especially for being your own Advocate and getting a second opinion! For understanding that some meds work and others don't and YOU"RE the only one that can truly tell. Besides, there's enough else out there to be depressed about. This is not one of them. I am VERY happy about the decisions you've made, you should be too, you should be proud of yourself. Feel confident about this decision making. DON'T listen to anyone else...You done GOOD Chica!
later Angel Girl.
B2c.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 13:41:24
In reply to Re: You done good » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 21, 2004, at 12:29:20
B2c
I had only girl friends b4 HS it wasn't until I got into HS that I was having problems maintaining friends with girls. Drove me crazy, so that's when I decided to start hanging out with only guys, it was so much easier then.
Gotcha about IRL, never seen the abbreviation b4. Yep, that's what I meant too about HS. Now I only have friends online. None IRL. lol!!!
Oh, I realize that therapy takes a long time, especially when your problems have been going on for eons, like for me and sounds the same for you. I'm not in any rush, it's not like I'm going anywhere.
Looks like you have a long road ahead of you just on the guilt issues alone.
I hope the journaling will become automatic. I've tried b4 and it never got off the ground. I kept forgetting or couldn't be bothered.
Where can I find the characteristics for ADHD online? I've never been tested for it. I was originally diagnosed with severe depression. Then when I was in therapy, not long after I started she thought I was BPD and sent me to be tested for that. It was then that I found out I was BPII with the possibility of BPD. They told me I'd have to be retested after I got on a mood stabilizer and got back to my 'normal unhappy self'. How true that was. I have to say though, it made me laugh when I first read that sentence in the report they wrote up for my pdoc.
Never heard of strattera b4. What kind of med is that?
It's not that I want to go back and change my past, that can't be done even if I wanted to. It's just that I've let half my life go by that I can't get back. All because of lack of motivation and not really knowing or understanding what was going on with me or that I even needed help. I first just chalked it up to normal growing up with TONS of rebellion added in.
I have a hard time being proud of myself for anything. It takes me FOREVER to really do anything because 'procrastination' gets in the way big time. It sure doesn't help that I don't like myself either. It's hard to feel good about something you do when you don't like yourself or it takes you forever to do it. My head spins when I hear what other people do in a day when I'm lucky to just get dressed. You sure don't want to see my apartment.
Besides having ADHD, did you say you were BP?
Angel Girl
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