![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 33 to 57 of 76. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 17:54:21
In reply to Re: It is OK to lose control » Dinah, posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 17:28:34
LOLOLOL
You have my absolute positive word that I won't be more perfect than you. In fact you'll be able to assure yourself he has a worse client than you, no matter what.
My therapist told me today not only that he was angry with me, but that I could be really annoying sometimes. He then said that I wasn't so annoying that he didn't like me or didn't want to be my therapist, and added that everyone was really annoying sometimes. And that I got really annoyed with him sometimes too.
All of which is true. So why do I feel so cr*ppy?
Posted by antigua on January 6, 2004, at 18:09:24
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » antigua, posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 17:50:57
OK, I'm new at this. My message was for both you and Karen.
Daisy, thanks for responding. Yes, I've thought of telling my mother. Actually there was a day when I called my therapist to tell her that I knew I would never get over this until I did speak w/her about it. She was thrilled! But I'm not ready to do that yet. My brother was also sexually abused when he was a teenager by someone other than my father, actually by a well-respected, well-known educator/lawyer who my mother brought into our midsts after my father left. My brother confronted my mother years later and she denied that she knew anything about it, despite the fact that she knew that a young boy actually slept in the same room/bed as the creep (this guy makes Michael Jackson almost look sane!).
In any case, the relationship between my brother and mother has been ruined. He doesn't believe she didn't know (kind of the same w/me, how could she not have at least been suspicious?) and she thinks he is just being "awful". I'm not ready to give up my relationship w/her right now. But I know this is key. Maybe I'm hoping she will die before I have to do this? Isn't that a horrible thought?
Thanks for listening,
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 18:10:50
In reply to Re: It is OK to lose control » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2004, at 17:54:21
You feel crummy because WE are allowed to say we are annoying, etc. but they aren't suppose to confirm it! But, you should take it as a huge compliment that he trusts you enough to tell you. I'm pretty sure mine wouldn't because he knows I would bolt.
It must be in the Therapist's manual to tell clients something like this in January. Very *VERY* gently today my Therapist talked about how he thought it was so great that I came back today and that I should think about being open to adding a few extra sessions here and there due to the level of stress I'm under and the stuff we are dealing with. He also said "I know this probably freaks you out on a variety of levels."
I reminded him of my fear of becoming the classic "pain in the a**" client -- and now look what was happening. He laughed and said I was NOT a pain the a** but it would be ok with him if I was from time to time. Or that I might at least try to get closer to it!
*sigh* So now in order to be the perfect therapy client, I'm suppose to be a pain in the a**! I can't win!
What did you do that made him mad?
Posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 18:55:05
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 6, 2004, at 17:26:48
Wow! It seems we are in the same situation, except you are way past me :( My father died of cancer and he died when I tried to move him. And I still feel guilty that it is my fault that he died. I know logically that it isn't but still, you know?? So, when I started therapy the ONLY thing positive I had from my childhood was memories of my father. Then I started to remember small things that happened, which led to nightmares and flashbacks. And I'm still trying to convince myself that it isn't real, that these things didn't happen. That the nightmares and flashbacks are just symptoms from medication or dpepression, except I'm finally not depressed. So, I know logically that it is true. It does add up. I just don't want to believe it. I want my mother to be the bad guy, not my father. Never mind that the same thing happened to my sister as well. And my other sister is suffering from severe memory loss too. I'll just ignore that because I LOVE my daddy!
And I could never tell my mother, NEVER!! When my sister told her, she got kicked out of the house. Noone believed her, and she was a child. I believed her, though at the time, I wasn't aware of anything going on with me. But, I always believed her. And I wish I could talk to my other sister, to help her but she would deny it. The thing is, I was daddy's favorite. It's just strange the way things work. And it makes me feel even worse because I just don't feel like I KNOW for SURE, you know???? Like I need to SEE it to be absolutely POSITIVE. Maybe I wouldn't want to see it. That would just be too much. I just don't trust my memory and I don't trust myself. Maybe I just don't want too!
Thank you for sharing your story. I do so appeciate it, honestly! It helps to know that someone else has a story similar to mine. Please keep posting, PLEASE!!! :)
Posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 19:12:43
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 17:40:55
> Karen -- here is my shoulder and I'm wearing cashmere -- it is soft and cuddly and you can stay as long as you need/want...
*I adore cashmere :) But my makeup might smear on it. Do you want to rethink your offer? :)
It sure is sweet though. I'm feeling much better now that I have anxiety meds, and I don't have to take 1800 mgs like I did in the past. That's really nice!!
> It sounds like a really hard, really good session. I'm proud of what you did and did so well! Good for you! You made him think and that is huge.*It was a really good session I think. It made us both think about some things. I've really been shutting down during the sessions and I think talking to him may help him realize why. I got a lot out of the session. I hope he did too! He thanked me for pointing some things out to him to "help him be a better therapist" and I told him I'll have a whole list next week :) I'm mean sometimes!
> Trust is an ambiguous creature. It can be fleeting and it has so many levels. You'll get there. Think of the trust it took to say the things you said today.*I know I trust him or I wouldn't be able to tell him the things I do. It's easy to say things on the computer because you aren't staring at someone face to face. But to look someone in the eye and tell them your "secrets", that takes trust. It's just that sometimes I trust him less than others. And it's not entirely his fault...
> I know you miss your dad. This is really hard and so confusing. It is totally ok to love and miss HIM and hate the things that happened. My Therapist today told me healing takes a really, really long time. We (I love that he says we!) have to grieve it all first and then begin to move past it. And stay sane while we do this. So slow is the best course of action.*Your therapist sounds wonderful! It sounds like you have a great relationship together. I think that my biggest problem is that I still deny, in my heart, that it happened. I know that it did. But I still don't accept it. I'm still waiting for more proof. I don't know exactly what I'm expecting, but I am still waiting. I guess I j still just don't want to believe it.
>
> Figuring out the source of your anxiety is a good step towards resolving it. Tonight and tomorrow will probably be hard but keep posting and writing. We are here for you.*Yes, I know. I really didn't even consider that dream to be the source. I mean it is just a stupid dream. But, looking back, I can see how it could cause me such anxiety. I need to quit avoiding it and start thinking about it. I just don't want to. Will you do it for me? PLEASE??? I'll pay you a dollar :)
>
> Warm thoughts.
> -DThank you sweetie! Your posts help out so much! You really can't know how much! Did you go today? Are you feeling better hun? I hope so! I'm thinking about you as well. I didn't think I'd get so wrapped up in ths place, but it seems I am. And I'm glad :)
Karen
Posted by antigua on January 6, 2004, at 20:01:40
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 18:55:05
I always have felt responsible for my father's death too because I was the one who gave the order to initiate the morphine. He had heart failure and he had given me that task of deciding when. But we both knew he would quickly slip into a coma and die once the order was given. So rationally I know I didn't kill him, but there is some part of me that still thinks I'm responsible.
I know what you mean about sisters. I have one older sister who has disliked me my entire life. I mean she has really hated me since I was kid and I never ever knew why. My whole family will agree that she has always been really mean to me. Well, I finally figured out why she hates me so much. She's not aware of this yet (she's focused on hating my mother but doesn't really know why, but I do) but I'm sure my father abused her too and once he turned from her to me she was just so angry. I need to discuss this w/my sister because she needs to know, but at the moment she is really unstable and as I said, she really doesn't like me very much.
Oh the trials and tribulations... I will keep posting. This was actually really hard to do, I didn't think it would be, but it does hurt when you say it out loud here.
Best,
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 20:13:41
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 6, 2004, at 20:01:40
Luckily, my sisters and I love each other very much. We talk almost daily. It seems we only had each other growing up, so we still have very strong bonds.
I'm sorry you and your sister don't get along as well as you'd like. It's hard to talk about these thngs. I finally was able to talk to the sister that it happened to. And she called me back that day crying, saying that if she had stayed then it wouldn't have happened to me. We both know that isn't true. But I felt bad for telling her because now she feels guilty and I don't want that either. The only problem is that she talked to my aunt, who then called me... And now I'm really anxious about that as well.. And people wonder why I have problems trusting??? Sheesh!!It does hurt to *say* it here. And sometimes I reread my posts and I wonder "Who wrote that? Where was I" I honestly don't remember any of it. It is a truly strange feeling indeed! But, it is nice to get it out, and to know I'm not alone in this. And it is really nice to know there is someone else out there listening, not jsut pretending to listen. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of paying someone to listen to me speak! Thank you all for listening! It sure is nice :)
Posted by fallsfall on January 6, 2004, at 22:44:14
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 20:13:41
Karen,
I am so proud of you.
You did a great job today. It took a lot of courage to talk to him and tell him how you were really feeling.
Trust is really hard, particularly when people have violated our trust in the past.
Yeah, Karen. Yeah, Karen. Yeah, Karen, Yeah!!!!!
Posted by Karen_kay on January 7, 2004, at 10:17:13
In reply to Hard work » Karen_kay, posted by fallsfall on January 6, 2004, at 22:44:14
Fallsfall...
Thank you for being proud of me. And thank you for the posts. It was hard to tell him how much he hurt my feelings. And it was hard to tell him how I've been feeling lately. But, I'm glad I did. The thing is, I'm not sure I would have except as the appointment started a nurse came in and handed me a script for my anxiety medication. And he asked about it :( So, I couldn't lie any longer... Darn it! I was caught red-handed. I think I was just going to contiune with the lie that I was fine except that the nurse had to give me my script. It's a good thing she did in a way.And trusting him is really hard. I trust him sometimes. But sometimes I don't. I wish I could trust him all of the time. But that's hard to do. Maybe one day. But I can't honestly say I trust anyone completely either. There isn't anyone that I trust completely. I don't even trust myself, how can I trust someone else?
Thanks for cheering me on!
How are you doing? Hope your therapy is going well. Your day is coming. I FEEL it. I'm sending you strength. Can you feel it. I'm getting weaker by the second, you should be feeling stronger as you read this....
Posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 16:58:02
In reply to Neurontin, Take me away! » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 17:04:55
Good work, Karen. I hope you're proud of yourself. :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 18:55:05
This is such a tough issue. I am in the same boat as the other people here who are trying to deal with abuse issues in therapy- all kinds, really- physical, sexual and maternal neglect. I really know what you are saying: we all seem to have a high level of emotional distress, but it is not directly connected to the actual abuse incidents. I also tend to recount these (to the extent that i know them) in an emotionless manner. I wonder, myself, where is the fear, anger and outrage which should be associated with these terrible things?
One approach which my analyst takes is to consider that the little girl who underwent these things is much more dissociated from the grown-up me than I ever realized. At the moment, we are working to establishing basic safety on the little girl's part. This involves a lot of fantasy, wishes and hopes which he has encouraged the little girl inside me to express. They are such simple little things; for example, today I fantasied that the little girl said to him (the analyst) that she did not want him to observe her when she changed into her shorts. He replied, "of course not. I want her to know I would never do anything to hurt her." I think the plan is to utilize fantasies like this to have "her" feel safe enough to eventually re-experience things more fully without becoming overwhelmed- or emotionally blank.
I think that I like this approach, as it may offer a way to get to the traumas in such a way that they aren't sealed off emotionally any more. Once I can get more in touch with them, I hope I'll be able to start really healing from them. Instead of talking about my actual parents, almost every session involves talking about what I am feeling, moment to moment, about my therapist- ALL the feelings are focussed on him. I notice that he helps me identify the feelings, but never says, "this is like what you felt towards your father". He just accepts them. I think he is functioning as a stand-in for the parents, but one who can offer a much more positive , safe relationship.
Does this seem anything like what the rest of you are experiencing in therapy?
Pfinstegg
Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 20:38:47
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
This is an interesting approach and I can see how it would promote safety. We've done a little of that -- more like, what were you hoping for kinds of questions. But then again, I tend to blurt and then with-draw...and then blurt more later.
I think my Therapist is really working on getting me to see how "wounded" I am (his word). I tend to minimize things, from then, and now. I want to "understand it." Intellectualize it all away. He does actually draw references from something I'll tell him back to the past..."like your mom did" or whatever. It helps to connect the dots in a way.
He does focus on our relationship alot. When I talk about how someone made me feel, he'll bring it back to himself. But when I am "in it", talking about the trauma, he usually just lets me talk, or not, and then will reframe things for me. Which has help enormously, especially with the guilt.
It is really hard, so I'm glad you like who you are working with and how it is going. I don't think you can do this without someone who individualizes it for you. How often do you go?
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:57:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 20:38:47
It sounds as if what your therapist is doing is quite similiar. Yours refers to "hopes" and mine says "wishes and desires". From what you have said, it sounds as though you are more in touch with the emotional aspects of the trauma than I am at this point- that's wonderful!
I go twice a week, but, beecause he is a psychoanalyst, I usually lie down on the couch. This partly explains the very regressive nature of some of our interactions!
Pfinstegg
Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 21:50:12
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » DaisyM, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:57:42
I can't imagine lying down, no matter how safe I might feel, this would trigger too many things.
I describe it as watching a movie and narrating. The mortification, fear, pain, etc. are partially me as the adult watching it unfold. I'm not sure I remember how I felt at the time, except I was afraid and very aware of the consequences of someone finding out. This all happened more than 30 years ago...I have no idea why it is forcing itself out now, I just know it is. My Therapist thinks it is all the stress I currently deal with plus my own child had a difficult time last year (not abuse, anxiety) and his therapy triggered a great deal of this for me. It isn't that I didn't "know" it happened...I've just always been able to supress thinking about it. I thought I could just ignore it. Hmmm...
The first time I told my Therapist, I went home and threw up. Now I just implode and turn into a little kid again. He is really good about offering a ton of phone support and/or extra sessions, even if I don't "want" them...I'm usually glad I've had them. He is also good at leaving it alone when we have other stuff to deal with. But it certainly complicates the present by contaminating it.
*sigh* *really big sigh*
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 22:28:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 21:50:12
What you are doing in your therapy sounds very promising and encouraging, even though it probably doesn't feel that way. I think the truth is these traumas affect us severely, our entire lives, even though we look like we are doing well, and feel that it's much safer, or even just preferable for our lives, not to think about them. I feel certain that once I have worked my feelings through, as much as I am able, I will feel much happier and more whole than I do now. It's just so slow and hard!
It sounds as though you've got a wonderful therapist who's committed to you and your treatment, and who is available for extra support when needed- that's so great to have- and, as we can see here, not everyone is that lucky. I feel I have an excellent one, also- very warm, caring and supportive, but also someone who expects me to work hard and do my very best. By the way, the couch was so scary at first that I wouldn't go near it, but as my trust in him grew, I began to use it and realize that it can give you greater freedom to speak, feel and think. I often sit up, too- just whatever I prefer.
Pfinstegg
Posted by naiad on January 8, 2004, at 8:15:14
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
"think that I like this approach, as it may offer a way to get to the traumas in such a way that they aren't sealed off emotionally any more. Once I can get more in touch with them, I hope I'll be able to start really healing from them. Instead of talking about my actual parents, almost every session involves talking about what I am feeling, moment to moment, about my therapist- ALL the feelings are focussed on him. I notice that he helps me identify the feelings, but never says, "this is like what you felt towards your father". He just accepts them. I think he is functioning as a stand-in for the parents, but one who can offer a much more positive , safe relationship."
Phinstegg,
You phrased the interaction between you and you therpaist really well. YES, it is almost exactly what I am experiencing. I went through a period of being angry at my therapist when I thought he was being cold and critical (like my mother). He has been angry with me, too, for manipulating. So instead of talking about my parents all the time, we are acting out some of the conflicts. At least I think that's whats happening. At times it is clear and others it is quite fuzzy.
I shared a dream about rape with him recently. His ears really perked up. He didn't press for too many details (except, could I visulaize the rapist?) but for the first time ever he took notes.
Thanks for your thoughtful and thought provoking post.
Posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 10:32:30
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by naiad on January 8, 2004, at 8:15:14
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm not used to sharing mine about the abuse so this is very hard for me. But I do know that it helps sometimes.
My therapist is a little different than what I've read from others. I have been seeing her for about 13 years and as I mentioned in other posts I didn't start to explore the fact that I was sexually abused until after my father died 12 years ago.
It has been a really slow process. I do not have transference issues w/my therapist very often anymore (maybe I did at an earlier time but we seem to have worked through it)but I am aware that when I am upset w/her, it's usually about me and not her. This past summer she stood up and fought for me w/my CBT therapist (who pushed me over the edge and almost off the planet) just like a good mother. She taught me that she cares and that I'm worth fighting for, even though my own mother couldn't seem to have cared less. She is definitely the good mother. I can call her when I want and I actually know a great deal about her own life--maybe it's because it has been so long. I don't think we have strict boundaries, or if we do I've never remotely crossed them (I'm a coward, of course). Now, if she were to leave me, that would be awful.
My transference issues come up w/male authority figures. It's not exactly falling in love, but close because of the love I felt for my father as a child. I now recognize that this happens and I try to avoid these situations (not always possible of course!).
I trust my therapist absolutely and she has worked hard to gain my trust. Sometimes I think we move too slowly, but she always tells me that I am the one setting the pace, that we only proceed as my mind/feelings allow. In an emergency, I can see her whenever, but I usually see her once a week. We discussed more frequent visits, but she firmly believes that I need the week to process what we bring up. I think that works best for me. She "let" me begin EMDR several months ago because I was in such agony over being stuck and not remembering. It works out really well. I have EMDR on Tuesday and see her on Wednesday to go over what has come up. While the two therapists have somewhat different approaches there are great benefits to both. I have come a long way in the last several months because of this dual therapy. Primarily because the EMDR puts me in touch w/the feelings and I am much less unemotional when I recount what happened. This week my senses came into play--in addition to remembering, I also could smell and taste the memories (very yucky). This was instead of diassociating and flying up to the top of the ceiling and watching from above. But I've never completely broken down and let go, I am simply not able. I've cried, of course, but I'm holding on to all of this so tightly. I wish I could let it go.
I never knew I disassociated from the trauma; I just thought my behavior was normal. But I now see that when it got to be too much, I just pulled away. I thought I was over the shame and the guilt, but my T has convinced me that both of these things are preventing me from reaching the fear and the anger underneath. Don't get me wrong, I am angry at my father but I don't really feel it.
Good luck everyone.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
Hello Pfinstegg. I had a reply for you but my computer froze up. I just couldn't do it all over again the same day. I'm sure you understand.
I'm glad you're posting again. I read that you're working hard in therapy. Take your time and go at a rate that feels comfortable for you (both here and there!).. And if you need support, we're always here for you, promise :) We're like Cheers, everybody knows your name and we're always glad you came!I understand what you are saying about the high levels of emotional distress. I've always been especially sensitive to stress. Granted, I perform better under pressure but when I get to a certain point, I just can't handle it anymore. And what's funny is that I've had some pretty irrational fears since I can remember. I've always been terribly frightened to close my eyes in the shower (I can only wash my face with one eye closed at a time), and when I go to sleep at night if my bedroom door is ajar I just keep staring at it. I don't feel safe unless it is closed completely. Now that I recognize what has happened to me, I am able to close my eyes in the shower, with a small amount of fear, but I force myself to keep my eyes closed just a bit longer and I KNOW that no one is there when I open them. Also, I still continue to leave my bedroom door open. I still have the fear, but it is going away. Before I understood why, I honestly thought I was a CHICKEN (cluck cluck cluck) or delusional. And when I am depressed or highly anxious, these fears were worse and my doctor thought I was delusional. It makes sense now. I still am in the habit of watching doorways, I still watch windows, afraid that he's coming to get me. But it isn't nearly as bad as it was. And I'm coping. But, when I have a nightmare and my anxiety level goes up, the fear comes back and I'm just this scared little girl all over again. BUT I refuse to tell my therapist. And I don't know why. Maybe he won't believe me? Maybe I want to do it all on my own? Maybe he'll put me back in the hospital? Maybe I'm scared I'll need him? It's just that I've odne it all on my own this long, why should I need someone to help me all of the sudden now? And it is his fault that all of this is coming up. Sorry, I feel like I'm turning this thread into "All about Karen" I'm just kinda feeling lost agian. Seems the anxiety is hitting me. I need to start thinking about the dream. But I don't understand. The dream is about forgiving my father, but how can I forgive him if I honestly don't feel ANYTHING about it.... Can someone help me here?????? Please....
Posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 15:57:45
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
Karen_kay,
As to your dream, my T told me that I was trying to skip right over being angry at my father and move on to forgiving him. I thought that was reasonable, but she told me I couldn't forgive until I got angry. I don't know who's right.I know what you mean about the door. For me, it's sound. Everything has to be really quiet so I can hear him coming. For years I've whined and complained about the sound our room airconditioner makes. One day I realized I didn't like the sound because it meant I couldn't hear if anyone was coming into my room. I used my kids as the excuse, but I now know it was (and is) a safety issue for me.
Hang in there, you are doing great. You are so great for doing this while you are young!!
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 16:32:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 15:57:45
When I vacuum, I have to stand with my back to the wall. And I constantly keep watching everywhere. Usually I'm ok since I've identified why I do it. But, I noticed last night it was bad.... Really bad... I saw my reflection in the door window and I screamed... I'm keeping all of my lights on in my house... I hate feeling like this... I used to think that I was afraid of ghosts or a demon was coming to get me. Now I realize exactly what it was that was coming to get me and since then I haven't been scared like this. I just DON'T get it... And usually when I get this way and the anxiety level is this high I start to hallucinate...I'm just really scared right now...I've had to deal with being terrified like this long enough and actually thinking that I was crazy and when I honestly think that I have a chance to start over and that this feeling is gone, it begins again.....I don't understand why.. I really don't. I just think maybe I'm a horrible preson or something and I deserve this. I know that's not true but man, it's crap that I have to start feeling like this again. Real crap! I guess maybe it's a sign tht *something's* coming?? Holding on to my pants... It's going to be a bumpy ride. I like rollercoasters and all, but I'm getting tired of this one!!! :(
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 18:10:32
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
Thanks, Karen! I really appreciate your helpful and supportive message- even when I don't post, I always read, and get a lot of support and strength for the huge challenges of facing these things in therapy. I didn't post for a while because the stuff we were dealing with just seemed so embarrassing and shameful; but, once I got through some of it I felt better. The thing is- there is so much, and it just seems endless, doesn't it? I guess we'd all love to get it over and done with quickly, and it just won't work that way!
It seemed to me as though your mood made a sudden change about half-way through your post. You began by telling about the fears of someone coming- when you were in the shower, etc., and how it felt somewhat less frightening now that you knew what the reason was. But then, as you continued, it seemed that your fear-about the dream of forgiveness?-or other images of someone coming in? got greater. I don't know if I understood you correctly, but that is what it seemed like. I mention it because it is just what I do- going very quickly from feeling that I can manage my feelings to feeling that they are overwhelming me. From my analyst's viewpoint, I've suddenly dissociated, switching in an instant from the adult me to the child, who is naturally extremely fearful, helpless and unable to cope. I wasn't even aware that this was happening, but am now at least suspicious of it when I have a sudden mood change in a negative direction. This may not apply to you at all, but I just thought I'd mention it.
My hope- for you and me and all of us- is that we'll all gradually have more and more of the calm, understanding reactions, and less of the overwheming emotional flooding. I get the feeling that everyone here feels that they've made progress towards this, but that there are still a lot of un-mastered areas for everyone. Don't you think it has a huge amount to do with having a safe relationship with your therapist, which we are gradually internalizing in the place of the original traumatizing one? A slow process, but so worth it.
Thanks so much for you encouragement and good wishes- I wish just the same for you, and I think it's especially smart and wonderful that you are doing this while you are still so young. It will make such a positive difference on the rest of your life.
Pfinstegg
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 19:11:37
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 18:10:32
I have to agree with what you said. I think that just thinking about the dream and forgiveness causes my anxiety (in the form of fear) to skyrocket! And I almost retreat back to that scared little girl. But, I'm a *very* rational person and just don't want to beieve this psycho-babble mumbo jumbo (and please don't be offended by this, because I KNOW for a fact it's true that threrapy works I just wish that I didn't need it :(. I just want to subscribe to the notion of "Suck it up and go on with your life" you know? I'm not a little girl, I'm an adult. But, I know that this won't work. It worked for a while, but it just isn't working anymore.
And it just isn't fair that we're the ones left feeling ashamed. I keep telling my therapist that this is hard to talk about because I feel ashamed and dirty. And I know that he's trying to correct my thinking by telling me that I didn't do anything wrong, but one time he asked me why I didn't leave. And it just made me feel worse. Like I don't ask myself that anyway.
I am really continually questioning my relationship with my therapist. Maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind to do so. Maybe it is the perfect time. I think I'll start a new post and get some input from other posters. It's just that I really don't trust him a lot of the time, but I KNOW I have a real problem trusting people anyway. I have put in almost a year with him, so I don't want to give that up. And I'll talk with him and see what he says, but when I've talked in the past (not seriously though) he's always just said "Well, that's your decision." I'm just really not feeling well right now. I'm really feeling lost and scared and confused. It'd be nice if I had a good therapist to talk to right now.....
I too wish everyone here the best.... It's nice to have people to reach out to. And I'm glad that you're feeling well enough to post again. I'm happy that your therapy is going well (of sorts). It's hard. A lot more than I ever bargained for! I thought I was looking at a month or two for anxiety.
It's a slow process. Wish I had a magic wand to wave over your head, everyone else as well, and make everyone "all better." Guess we'll have to take our chances with therapy?
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 21:58:01
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 19:11:37
I do feel strongly that a good "fit" with our therapists is very important. If you know, at heart, that the fit is right, it's so much easier to weather the negative transferences, like doubting whether they like or understand us. I had a therapist who was not helpful before the one I have now, and when I made a change, I "shopped" for the right one. That meant going to interview four of them. It was stressful, telling the same painful story to all of them, but I knew right away when I found the right one- he was warm, humorous, smart and and had a way of getting to the heart of things without seeming intrusive. I sort of felt "at home" right away, and this has seen me through all kinds of tough tranference times. Also, he had been in practice for 30 years, and so was very experienced and professional.
You mentioned that you are going to need to make a change after a little more than a year. It sounds like you have definitely gotten some benefit from the one you have presently, even though it's a little rough right now. I bet you can make more gains over the next year- then you, too, can go "shopping"!
Pfinstegg
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 23:13:04
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 21:58:01
Thank you :) You're right.... He's new at this and so am I. So, he makes some mistakes every once in a while. I guess I can't say I'm the perfect client, though I am pretty close :) It's strange though, I notice that when I open this particular thread I just shake.... I know where my anxiety is coming from and I need to face it.. I think I'll keep him around for a while, even if he makes a few mistakes every now and again! He is the right fit... I know it. Thanks for showing me....
Yours truly :)
Karen
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 0:25:29
In reply to To the always insightful » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 23:13:04
<<<It's strange though, I notice that when I open this particular thread I just shake.... I know where my anxiety is coming from and I need to face it..
Karen,
I'm sorry this thread upsets you. I keep forgetting that we should mark things as possible triggers...You are doing great. I love the way you cheer everyone else on.
Holding you in my thoughts tonight.
-D
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