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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jellibabe on October 8, 2003, at 4:57:54
I am only seeing my psychiatrist again next week on Tuesday and it seems so far away and sometimes I wonder if I will survive that long. I curl up in my dreams and watch the minutes turn to hours and just think of him. I am so dependant on him. I see him as a father figure and desperately want him to love me in a fatherly sort of way. The worst thing is that I sort of eke out my days, looking forward to when I see him again, and then, poof, the hour is over and it is all gone again and then, that night or the next day, depression slams into me so badly that it almost wipes me out. About a month ago, I took an overdose (the day after I had been to see him) because I just felt I wasn't coping. Of course I felt like an pathetic idiot afterwards and I won't do it again, but sometimes I am almost frightened of myself. I thank God I found this message board because it seems there are others around like me, except that I must be the only one who has children and yet still so desperately wants a father figure to hug me and to love me.
I am glad you also talk about self injury. It is more and more difficult for me because my children are old enough now to notice when I cut my arm or my stomach and they have made me promise not to do it again. So what do you do? It makes it extremely difficult as I don't want to break their trust or upset them. So far I have managed...
(I'm sorry, I hope this isn't too long)
Posted by Medusa on October 8, 2003, at 5:41:27
In reply to Psychiatrist as father figure, posted by Jellibabe on October 8, 2003, at 4:57:54
(((((((((((Jellibabe))))))))))))))
It sounds like you think you shouldn't want fathering from him - am I reading that right? Can you give yourself permission to soak it up when you have your sessions, and maybe ask for more sessions?
Could you add fathering supplements from other sources? I think you need more fathering from many different directions, not just from the therapist. I have huge mother issues, and have found a few different ways to get that. I'm wondering what father-sources there are ... if you're religious, you could meet with an advisor/spiritual leader, if you have a hobby (chess, ballroom dancing, photography?), you could find a fatherly instructor.
On the SI front ... this is a really unpopular view, but what would happen if you gave yourself permission to cut whenever you need to? And on the other hand, be sure to wear shirts long enough to cover your stomach and arms, since otherwise you're playing games with trying to get fatherly protection from your kids. Maybe treat yourself to a comfortable, pretty top? I know you really, really need someone to recognize your pain and to stop the inner pain - but you can't stop cutting just for your kids. You have to do what you have to do ... I'm probably not making sense here, saying on the one hand go ahead and cut when you need to, and on the other, DON'T let your kids see this. I reserve the right to SI when I need to - I don't believe that therapists who say to avoid that really understand the relief it brings. I haven't for a while, but I just don't talk about this with therapists - they would say "good!" if I said I hadn't done this in a while, and then I'd feel like it was a moral issue, and *that* completely messes with me. I decided a while ago - I have the right to suicide ideations when I need to, and I have the right to SI when I need to. And that makes it less terrifying than trying to control them is - before, I always felt like I was about to skid out of control.Now my response is probably way too long ... but that's another thing - can you let yourself post as long as you need to here? Nobody HAS to read the entirety of what you write, but nobody can read what you don't write! So give yourself - and those here - the chance, if you can.
Posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2003, at 7:27:52
In reply to Psychiatrist as father figure, posted by Jellibabe on October 8, 2003, at 4:57:54
I have 3 kids (15 - 20). I need a mother. When I take care of my kids, it is supposed to help. My 15 year old was sick last weekend and I got to hold her and stroke her hair. At least I know that she will remember the comfort - but it didn't replace the comfort I am looking for.
Our status as parents doesn't mean that we don't still have needs ourselves (though my 15 year old will tell you that her needs are the only ones that matter...)
Medusa is right - pick up what ever pieces of fathering you can find. Maybe they will add up to fill your emptiness.
Posted by judy1 on October 8, 2003, at 10:06:55
In reply to Psychiatrist as father figure, posted by Jellibabe on October 8, 2003, at 4:57:54
I'm glad you recognize what you 'need' from your shrink- these are normal feelings and I truly hope you verbalize them to him. I think your self-destructive tendencies (the overdose) and SI really do need to be addressed. As someone who also shares these problems, just promising not to do them simply doesn't work. What has helped is finding a therapist who specializes in SI and who gives me coping skills to use in place of cutting. I haven't stopped 100%, but I do feel more in control. Does your psychiatrist help you find healthier coping skills? He may be fulfilling some of your needs, but the self-injury requires treatment, and I hope you're able to get them from him also. best of luck, judy
Posted by Medusa on October 8, 2003, at 10:50:43
In reply to Re: Psychiatrist as father figure » Jellibabe, posted by judy1 on October 8, 2003, at 10:06:55
> who gives me coping skills to use in place of cutting.
>I didn't say this clearly in my post - I'm definitely all for coping skills. I just found that when I learned them with the intent of *replacing* SI, some part of me rebelled. When I learn/ed and practice/d them with the intent of adding to my range of options, the SI and self-medicating subsided, seemingly with no direct effort.
No thread-hijacking intended. I'm feeling pretty raw and sensitive about having posted what could seem like "pro"-SI view.
Posted by judy1 on October 8, 2003, at 11:14:33
In reply to coping skills » judy1, posted by Medusa on October 8, 2003, at 10:50:43
I didn't take your post as 'pro-SI', in any way- actually I felt you were being very truthful. it IS difficult to stop SI, and I would be lying if I said that other coping skills worked as well as cutting in some circumstances. I also understand about feeling sensitive, and you don't need to explain yourself at all. I hope you feel better soon. take care, judy
Posted by Adia on October 8, 2003, at 11:40:26
In reply to Psychiatrist as father figure, posted by Jellibabe on October 8, 2003, at 4:57:54
Hi,
Thank you for sharing...
I just wanted to say I hear you and I understand your feelings..
I too feel the need to have comfort and unconditional love and nurture (like from a mother) and I can't deny those needs, my therapist can't be my mother, I know, but I look for the safety and warmth I feel from her and in a way, I feel she gives me that nurture I seek for..I try to give myself permission to feel that..
as the others have shared...
I try to give myself permission to feel that way and to accept what I can and what my therapist can give me, maybe you should try to give yourself that permission...and look for other ways to feel comforted or to feel the love you are needing inside...?
I often feel like I would just ask my therapist to hold me in her arms like a mother and let me cry and just comfort me like I never was in my life. It hurts to know that there's a deep void inside that seems impossible to be filled.
I too sometimes look for that in friends...sometimes I ask a friend to just hug me...
I understand that need inside, I find that if I can talk about it at least,or ask for some of the things I need, it feels a little better....I try to accept that I won't ever have that comfort and love and safety I crave, because it is the comfort that children have (should have) and I am an adult, but I can find ways to nurture the part of me that needs that and try to accept what others can give me to fill that emptiness..
Try to give yourself permission to nurture that part of you that is in need of a father...
I understand about waiting the whole week for that hour and then it's gone and you find yourself again just trying to get through and counting the hours and the days till the next time..I do that :o( I feel relieved when I know I am only one or two days away from my session.
Have you talked to him about how you feel in between appointments?
I have, and I know that I have to learn to internalize things...and trust that they don't go away and that somehow I can internalize that safety or hope..and sometimes I can carry it with me and I feel less desperate in b/sessions. My T is helping me to find ways to internalize things so that I don't feel lost the moment I leave her building.
Maybe he can help you find ways to feel better in b/sessions, I hope that you can talk about it with him. I find that feeling connected helps..I try to do things that let me acknowledge how I am feeling, I draw ...or I write...About s.i...it is really hard to stop it...but for me, it helped me to feel loved by a friend and to feel supported by my T..to know I can call or reach out if I feel the urge.. it doesn't always work. Have you shared with your psychiatrist? I think it is really important to break that silence and shame.
Sorry this is long...
:-)Just wanted to share and let you know you are not alone,
sorry if this doesn't make any sense...!
sending you support and understanding,
Adia.
> I am only seeing my psychiatrist again next week on Tuesday and it seems so far away and sometimes I wonder if I will survive that long. I curl up in my dreams and watch the minutes turn to hours and just think of him. I am so dependant on him. I see him as a father figure and desperately want him to love me in a fatherly sort of way. The worst thing is that I sort of eke out my days, looking forward to when I see him again, and then, poof, the hour is over and it is all gone again and then, that night or the next day, depression slams into me so badly that it almost wipes me out. About a month ago, I took an overdose (the day after I had been to see him) because I just felt I wasn't coping. Of course I felt like an pathetic idiot afterwards and I won't do it again, but sometimes I am almost frightened of myself. I thank God I found this message board because it seems there are others around like me, except that I must be the only one who has children and yet still so desperately wants a father figure to hug me and to love me.
>
> I am glad you also talk about self injury. It is more and more difficult for me because my children are old enough now to notice when I cut my arm or my stomach and they have made me promise not to do it again. So what do you do? It makes it extremely difficult as I don't want to break their trust or upset them. So far I have managed...
> (I'm sorry, I hope this isn't too long)
Posted by Jellibabe on October 9, 2003, at 2:43:52
In reply to Re: Psychiatrist as father figure » Jellibabe, posted by Adia on October 8, 2003, at 11:40:26
Thanks everyone for sharing so wonderfully. It truly helps. It just shows, people DO care out there!!! I hope I can help others too, even if it is just a tiny bit.
This is the end of the thread.
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