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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by snapper on June 20, 2004, at 17:42:00
hey everyone, I am in need of some general support.....it is sooooo hard trying to cope with this constant full body anxiety. its the anxiety and not the depression that makes me feel suicidal. I just want my brain to shut off. For those of you who know some of my history ...I have had 2 successful ect treatments.... this previous wed and friday. I am tense as hell when I go in and tense with a triple migraine when I come out. My dr. keeps saying he wants to treat the depression separate from my anxiety and I understand that to a degree but I just don't know if he knows how miserable and suicidal feeling I am. I don't really want to die but am afraid this how it is going to be and this is certainly no way to live life.... inside, alone, isolated and seems like full body panic, head , chest , arms and legs are numb, my head is in a pressure cooker and it feels like its' going to explode at any minute. 4 to 5 hrs of Ambien induced sleep is about the only relief I seem to get from this beast. It hurts me to see 'normal ' people going out and about and carrying on with thier lives in a way like all is fine, is frustrating! They're normal, they can go out in public and have fun - not me I'm a basketcase who needs near constant reassurance that something bad won't happen to me or my family. I wish I did'nt worry about 'everything'. Sometimes I wonder if it is'nt my destiny; to suffer horribly then die! I wish I could get involved outside of my world but it seems like there are toooo many emotional triggers that just make me feel worse and ultimately more hopless and out of control. I am so anxious that I avoid picking up the telephone for fear that someone might *ask* how am I doing?I don't know if id lie or not!My family is here and very supportive but sometimes i feel like they are going to have *enough* of me and send me away. Even the normal things like a good movie or certain music is not comforting. I honestly think I would be better off if God would just take me in my sleep. I can't talk right, breath right or even spell words most of the time. My brain just says no! It is so very frustrating and so very sad that my life is over. any input welcomed!
snapper
Posted by shadows721 on June 21, 2004, at 19:06:08
In reply to need general support !!!! help, posted by snapper on June 20, 2004, at 17:42:00
Snapper,
That doc has to give you something for this anxiety. Anxiety is terribly painful and as isolating as depression in my opinion. I am on meds. While they don't get rid of it, they help it. I personally like seroquel 25 mg for sleep. It knocks me out for hours. I do mean hours. I don't really care at this point, because I am not working right now either. I am taking care of this depression/anxiety thing. The topamax has helped me too.
Please tell that doc the anxiety is just becoming unbearable. I do know what it's like. I felt like bolts of electical current was running all through my body, before meds.
Snapper, please, trust me. This is a chemical thing that is wrong. It needs to be treated with meds. That doc has to give you something my friend. I don't really believe that one can be isolated from the other in respect to anxiety and depression. They seem to be interconnected to me, but then again I am not a doc. I am just a fellow sufferer too.
I have been thinking about you.
Posted by snapper on June 21, 2004, at 20:33:09
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help, posted by shadows721 on June 21, 2004, at 19:06:08
> Snapper,
>
> That doc has to give you something for this anxiety. Anxiety is terribly painful and as isolating as depression in my opinion. I am on meds. While they don't get rid of it, they help it. I personally like seroquel 25 mg for sleep. It knocks me out for hours. I do mean hours. I don't really care at this point, because I am not working right now either. I am taking care of this depression/anxiety thing. The topamax has helped me too.
>
> Please tell that doc the anxiety is just becoming unbearable. I do know what it's like. I felt like bolts of electical current was running all through my body, before meds.
>
> Snapper, please, trust me. This is a chemical thing that is wrong. It needs to be treated with meds. That doc has to give you something my friend. I don't really believe that one can be isolated from the other in respect to anxiety and depression. They seem to be interconnected to me, but then again I am not a doc. I am just a fellow sufferer too.
>
> I have been thinking about you.hi shadows, I had my 3rd ect treatment today and the prepatory work that goes into and up till the actual shock can be agonizing.... the IV, the waiting, the going under , feeling like I am in a full body panic attack. I expressed this to him today before the procedure and he said the meds used to treat the anxiety would be interferring with the treatment and that is why he has to treat the two conditions seperately. from the time I get to the OR recovery room where they do the procedure, take my vitals, stick in IV in me,hook up the cords and lines to monitor my heart and bodily functions, I am a complete wreck. I try not to be. But when you are sitting there all hooked up, your blood pressure is boiling, racing thoughts, nausea, trembling and all that good stuff it makes one a complete mess. He asked me if I wanted to stop the course and treat the anxiety and I basiclly declined and 10 minutes later the 'team' was in , giving me the oxygen, muscle relaxants and all the other drugs so they could perform the procedure correctly. I about threw up before procedure and felt like it after it, but thank God I did'nt. He also mentioned since I am having suicidal thinking that he thought it might be good to go in-patient and I said 'NO -WAY"! The hospital is a total angst provoking-ptsd-type experience for me. I have started the process and know that I must grin and bear it as much as possible. 3 down , 9 to go. At least thats' the plan. He just keeps telling me that the making the depression better, won't do much for my anxiety. I beleive him, but at the same time, I think he's not fully correct. Depression of any magnitude is seriously angst provoking, and any additional anxiety dis-orders , in my opinion just exacerbate the whole picture. I have said before; its' not so much the depression but the severe anxiety that makes me feel so hopless and suicidal. Theory: grin and bear it... depression remission = a lot less anxiety. I hope I am not wrong. I am so desperate. I can use all the good vibes, thoughts and prayers, that you all can throw my way! My family understands to the biggest degree but they have a hard time with the fact that I isolate and I don't want to be out doing stuff when it is just so painful to even give effort. Everything is too loud, too bright, to scary and too overwhelming right now. My future seems bleak and dispairing and sometimes just getting to the next minute is excrutiatingly painful. Thanks for listening!
Snapper
Posted by shadows721 on June 21, 2004, at 21:36:31
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 21, 2004, at 20:33:09
Snapper,
I have never undergone those treatments, but I can just imagine how scary it must be.
My friend I will surely pray for you. I will pray for an angel of protection to stand at your side to wrap their golden soft powerful wings around you. I pray that their presence will be felt as warmth and calming. I pray that they will tone down all the senses just a bit so that you can tolerate these procedures better. I pray that the angel and his friends to encircle you with love, care, and protection at all times throughout all this time of intense stress. This angel and his friends will be your personal invisible force of strength to carry you through this. I pray that this will be.
So, as all these procedures take place one by one, you will not be as afraid. You will breath more calmly and deeply. Remember, your angel and his friends will be there encircling you with protection.
Keep me in touch. I will pray for this for you. Don't worry about that.:-)
Posted by snapper on June 21, 2004, at 22:51:22
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help, posted by shadows721 on June 21, 2004, at 21:36:31
Shadows, Thankyou! Your kind words of support mean sooo much to me right now. It literally makes me want to weep. The compassion found in this forum is un-bridaled. Deeply moving,and so awe inspiring. (wish I could weep), This board (and family) really serve to keep me half way sane and as I feel like falling over the edge, every hour that I am awake; I don't! I know that there are millions out there that feel this way as well! That is somewhat comforting, even though most of the time, I feel I can't possibly continue to exist. But I know I must. Thanks again to You and everyone who make up this special place called 'Babble' !
I may be overstating this, but I really do not beleive that mere money can afford this type of support and special therapy! I will pray for you as well!
Thanks again
Snapper
Posted by jasmineneroli on June 22, 2004, at 0:20:46
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 21, 2004, at 22:51:22
Hey Snapper:
The ECT treatments sound like something from "A Clockwork Orange"..really horrifying and a trifle primitive. If you are committed to the rest of the treatments, I think you are very brave and wish you well. I hope it solves your problems.
The symptoms you describe sound exactly like my GAD symptoms. I do not have depression, but can be "depressed" over the constant anxiety, if you understand what I mean. There's a subtle difference. I too isolated myself, cuz I just couldn't cope. And I had feelings that were quasi-suicidal.....more like I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. Once I was sitting in my car on a cold winter's day, having just driven home and parked. I was warm and listening to nice music and felt " I just want to pump my car full of carbon monoxide and stay relaxed like this and never wake up". It wasn't like " life is so awful, that at 8pm I'm gonna take a bottle of pills and end it all" I didn't ever have "a plan". I just had feelings of needing relief/release of the constant worrying and thinking and stomach-knotting anxiety.
I also had the brain-numbing confusion and memory loss, as my brain shut down due to stressor overload, from time to time. I simply "couldn't think". It's really, really awful. I truly empathize with your experiences. I am glad you have support from your family, you need and deserve it. You should know that you have the support of all us here at Babble. Everyone here has been through something (or is still)and will understand your suffering.
I've been on the benzodiazepine, Klonopin for the past 10 months, and it's the only med (of about 6) that has ever helped me. I don't have that helpless, "let me outta this pain" feeling now. Most of my anxiety is gone, but it does flare up sometimes and I still have the "racing thoughts" and memory losses. Maybe, you could suggest to your doc that you have GAD predominantly, and the depression is secondary to that, cuz you have been in a constant state of anxiety for so long???
Whatever treatment plan you choose, I wish you the very best of luck!
Jas
Posted by justplainflakey on June 22, 2004, at 1:41:31
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help, posted by jasmineneroli on June 22, 2004, at 0:20:46
mental torment can be the worst illness ever. there seems to be no clear way to diagnose the sorce of our symptoms and the doctors just throw darts and hope that somthing sticks. if we are lucky somthing does. you need to try to find relief for both of your symptoms, they are paralizing you. I don't know much about ect except that somtimes it works. best of luck.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 22, 2004, at 16:17:59
In reply to need general support !!!! help, posted by snapper on June 20, 2004, at 17:42:00
Snapper, I haven't had ect treatment - I imagine anyone would be severly anxious to have that procedure.
I do understand that the GAD and depression are separate and I thought the meds available work on different (proteins? what are those things?) in our brains. Anxiety can be just as crippling as depression, and as someone who's had anxiety for 24/7, it was a horrible, horrible experience to not be able to find relief.
The effexor I take does help with the overall anxiety, and for panic attacks I've been prescribed .5mg of xanax. I had a conniption asking my p-doc for it, but she's reassured me the addictive qualities wouldn't be experienced at such a low dose.
It does help me to try to accurately describe the anxiety's effects to my p-doc; racing thoughts, big lump in the throat, dread, fear of (the world). And to not minimize it. It's a real, treatable condition.
((((snapper))))
Posted by Sinnielou on June 22, 2004, at 18:31:16
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help » shadows721, posted by snapper on June 21, 2004, at 20:33:09
Hi Snapper,
I've sat here reading and rereading your post. I feel your every pain and every word you typed triggered something in me that made me have to respond to you. I have never shared this story about myself with anyone outside my family circle before, but I thought maybe I'd share it with you and maybe it might help who knows. Back many years ago I felt exactley the way you do I couldn't move I couldn't breath my life in my eyes was over. It took me 3 months of hiding under the covers scared and crying to get to the doctors. I went and explained what I was feeling and of course I was prescribed meds. The anxiety didn't go away with the meds seemed to make things worse. I felt at the time like I was dying a slow and mentally painful death so I decided I didn't want to be crippled anymore with anxiety I took the whole bottle of pills. I obviously didn't do the job or I wouldn't be here typing to you now. When I started my after care program when I came out of the psychiatric hospital I decided along with my doctor that treated me in hospital to have ect actually I had no choice because I wasn't going to get anymore meds. I did 3 treatments like you've already hit then I stopped. There isn't a second of the day that I don't wonder where'd I'd be at now if I had continued the ect. That's all water under the bridge I suppose. Now I live my life full of meds that I get prescribed to me once a month because I can't be trusted with anymore. I hope all goes well for you I really do, I don't even know why I just shared that story with you, but something drew me to your post and the way you described your anxiety I felt an intsant connection to you. I'm so glad you have a support system and I will pray that everything works out for you, if I could reach out my arms and embrace you I would.......
Thinking and praying for you.
Shannon
Posted by shadows721 on June 23, 2004, at 0:55:23
In reply to need general support !!!! help, posted by snapper on June 20, 2004, at 17:42:00
(((((Snapper)))))
My dear friend,
I have been thinking and praying for you almost constantly. I trust that the angels are already with you. I pray that the medical staff will be extra kind with you.
Shadows
Posted by snapper on June 23, 2004, at 18:41:30
In reply to Re: need general support !!!! help, posted by shadows721 on June 23, 2004, at 0:55:23
Just an update.... I had my fourth ECT treatment today and all is well! I appreciate all of the kind support that has been shown to me. It means the world to me, to know that mere "stangers" give prayer and Good thoughts to my situation. I feel like we are all kind of like a big family in a way!Again, thanks soooo much for everyones thoughts , prayers, and concerns.I'll keep you all posted!
Best Regards
Snapper
This is the end of the thread.
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