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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 7:20:40
Here's my story. I am back on Lexapro after going off it back in January on my own. Here's what caused my recent flare up of anxiety, fear, guilt. I am recently married, and my past is coming back to haunt me. During my engagement, I talked with an exgirlfriend. Why did I talk to her? Well, part of me was probably testing myself, and the rest of me is like this...I met my wife while dating this girl, and dropped her cold turkey. I always felt bad. 4 Years later, I still feel bad about the way I left her. Part of me feels I wronged this girl, and crushed her heart. Ive talked to her the past few days, and she says she is fine, over me, doesnt want me baack, and I need to move on. What's bothering me, is last summer, while engaged, the ex and I talked a bit. She sent me some questionable photos which ive deleted a long time ago. She gave me some phone sex which i feel god awful about. Its not even that I was into this girl last summer, just into the phone sex like watching a porn...you dont like the people in it, you just like the idea of it. I guess I used my ex basically? Anyway, Im afriad my wife will find out about last summers activities.
I cant tell her about it....being newly married, i already told her a little about wha the ex and i did last summer...meeting up, and besides a little touching, nothing happened. I couldnt let it...i didnt want it, it was the wrong thing for me. The wife was of course deeply hurt, and cant understand why I would have done this...i cant understand completely either, and my guilt is overbearing my life. I cant think of anything but this nagging situation. I talked to the ex and she said she would never mention anything we did, and considers what we did only hanging out, and nothing wrong. I think I can trust ehr that she wont say anything, but still it scares me. I dont want to lose my wife. Advice? Should I let it go and move on with my life? The past is the past and cant be changed, but i seem to be dwelling on it.
Posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 7:50:14
In reply to Lexapro -will it help me???, posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 7:20:40
Its sad when your ex is telling you to move on, enjoy my new marriage, and forget about the past and you cant even listen to the advice. All my friends are telling me to move on and forget about it, but I cant. Im an emotional wreck. Afraid to lose my wife. When I told my wife some of the past things, she said she would rather not have known. So why cant I grasp that I need to move on? LEXAPRO, PLEASE HELP ME....THE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS ARE KILLING ME.
Posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 8:02:10
In reply to Re: Lexapro -will it help me???, posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 7:50:14
Please....just give me your thoughts.
Posted by snapper on June 15, 2004, at 8:24:35
In reply to SOMEONE HELP ME, posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 8:02:10
> Please....just give me your thoughts.
I am sorry you are having a hard time.Have you considered getting some sort term therapy to help you process this problem.Make it resolute in both your minds, including possibly not continuing your communications with your ex? Until you cut it off at the past. Your obseesions and anxiety problems will continue (IMO). This a serious problem that medication will *not* fix. It can help your anxieties and obsessions, but will not solve your problems. I beleive that total honesty on everyones parts is going to be of utmost importance in helping you move past this situation.
Hope this helps
Good Luck
Snapper
Posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 8:38:45
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME » mattsit, posted by snapper on June 15, 2004, at 8:24:35
Snapper...thank you for your words.
I just cant bring myself to tell my wife. The past would hurt her too much, I just want to move on. Cutting off communication would be good, but its the only thing keeping me sane. I call the ex now twice a day, and when I hear her say she will never say anything, and that I need to move on I feel better for an hour or two, then the obsessive worries come back.
Posted by Charm on June 15, 2004, at 9:02:15
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME, posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 8:38:45
Hello Mattsit -
I have to hardily agree with Snapper. This truly sounds like a situation for you that needs to be worked through with a qualified therapist. I know how it feels to be obsessed with a situation or idea and while the Lexapro may certainly help you see things from from a better perspective I doubt it will make this problem go away for you.
I'd like to encourage you to seek help as soon as possible --- the therapist may be able to help you clear this up in a short period of time and I feel for the misery that you are obivously feeling. It sounds like you have a great wife and would like to be able to move forward in your relationship with her.
I'm certainly not an expert, but it does seem to me that its time to cut your ties with your ex-girlfriend. Putting time and space between your ex and yourself will help you leave the past and focus on the present and future.
I wish you the best and hope your suffering eases soon.
Charm
I wish you the best
Posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 9:17:28
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME, posted by Charm on June 15, 2004, at 9:02:15
Charm,
Thanks for your advice. I feel im close to moving on, I just need to get past this hump. I am from the belief that a lie to a loved one is never acceptabable, but in this situation all parties might be better off if we just move forward. As it stands today, I love my wife, and she's doing better. The ex is fine and moved on, Im the only one still trapped under this immense guilt. I love her so much It kills me to see her in pain. The last time I went nuts (and went on the paxil then lexapro) I was afraid i was losing her then too. I was afraid I was dying of something, if not one thing, than another....turns out I wasnt dying and my health was clear, but I didnt believe it until after months of paxil use. Thats why I believe i need to go back on the medicine, and then my mind will allow me to realize this wasnt a big deal in the scheme of things, and everything is going to be fine. I just want to move on!
Posted by starlight on June 15, 2004, at 11:15:06
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME, posted by mattsit on June 15, 2004, at 9:17:28
It's a tough situation, but one thing I've heard is that telling her, is really about you unloading - it's for you, not for her. I would try to let it go - it's in the past, your thoughts about your ex probably have more to do with some fear that you have about your current situation and a bit of an escape mechanism. I agree, see a therapist and ask yourself what it is about your current situation that you fear. Just remember that unloading has more to do with clearing your conscience and will only hurt her. It's more important to ask yourself why you're caught up in this circle of guilt.
starlight
Posted by psychodad on June 15, 2004, at 14:37:55
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME, posted by starlight on June 15, 2004, at 11:15:06
Yeah, dude just chill. Talk to your wife. Come clean. Phone sex is no big deal anyway. Could of been worse. Your wife needs to be understanding and stick with you through the ups and downs. You'd feel soooo much better if you just talked it all out and then IMPORTANT - don't go f*** around again. Be a good husband to that woman.
Just talk to her and then straighten your a** out. Take Lex for a while and focus on the present and look torward the future. You are way overreacting, just chill. If you have worse skeletons in the closet, either talk to a therapist or a higher power first. Everyone has secrets. You don't have to tell everyone everything you've ever done if you don't want. It's a secret.
Feel bad about, fine, but work towards doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop drinking, smoking, jerking off, excerise, diet, go to church, whatever, point is focus on the positive as much as possible and tip that balance baby!
I know it's hard, but if you get thoughts of guilt, try to think of ways you can better your world and community and then go do something! And stop whining, and take Lexapro if you want.
Posted by captain on June 15, 2004, at 14:54:32
In reply to Re: SOMEONE HELP ME mattsit, posted by psychodad on June 15, 2004, at 14:37:55
Mattsit, You should go see a counselor. I think that will help. I was married a few years ago and ended up cheating on him twice. I never did anything horrible, but your conscience tells you what constitutes cheating. I can tell you this, even though we have been divorced for over 2 years, I never told him and he never knew - and 2 years later I am still dealing with the guilt. I wish I would have come clean at the time as it would have blown over. The difference is that I wanted to move on so if I lost him, it was going to be okay with me. If you aren't sure how to handle this with your wife, go to counselors - it was great for me. If I could do it over again, I would have admitted my actions right away. You have to stop calling the ex. If your wife finds out - you will be in deeper s**t than you will be that you even messed around with her 6 months ago. If she ends up coming clean with your wife, then you two can deal with it together. Your marriage is stronger than that I am sure. Marriages have been thru much worse! Good luck!
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