![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 288 to 312 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 20:10:42
In reply to Re: books » Angela2, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 18:56:35
Got a batch of grading this morning. Not too bad. Only 30 of them. Went for a walk... Through the domain... It is a big park, really. There is a cafe in the middle. I sat down there for an hour or so and marked about 4 of them. It was really pleasant. I just... Needed to get out. To get off campus. I remembered... The places that I'd been to with my keyworker... Different cafes around one of the nice Suburbs on one side... I remembered the music... And how the atmosphere seemed pleasant. More... Sophisticated. No sound of squeely teenage girls.
I am used to thinking that campus is my refuge. And I guess it used to be. In Australia. The Research part of campus. Because the campus was fairly split with the research schools in one part and the undergraduate part of campus up the other end... And around the research schools... Was always pretty. And quiet. And pleasant. And there were cafes and stuff... And you could go and work in them... And quite a lot of people did that.
Partly it is about... The flow of people, or something. The places you have to go... The paths you find to take... Where you end up spending most of your time. I have suspected for a while now that I'm currently in the noisiest parts... Because the classes I'm doing are more... Uh... Remedial. And the natural walkways between them and so on... Anyway... It was wonderfully peaceful around the domain. And I realise that I need to get away from campus more. Make the trek to the suburb. It is just up the hill... Or really not far on the bus... Work in some of those cafes... Be around... Calmer people.
One of the chemistry guys took me along to an Organic lab yesterday. In part I feel bad... Like it is unfair that I got that. He took 15 minutes to explain the lab and then went with me to it... And stood next to me... So I got to observe for about an hour. He said that they could put me on the end of a row... But that anything more than that was really very hard. There were 5 pods but only 4 had students in them. The last one was about half empty. The students were really focused and all seemed to know what they were doing. I guess I felt.. Intimidated. Chemistry labs are hard for me because of the numbers involved in reading the equipment. And then after a couple hours needing to do calculations in a bustly environment.
At the end we walked back through and the middle pods were... Crowded, yeah. With people who really didn't look like they knew what they were doing. Panicked eyes.
I don't really understand how that last pod got the focused people. Pod assignments are meant to be random... But maybe they do take some people out? Or maybe it was just luck or something. The way things turned out. It will make a considerable difference to me to be on the end of a row, though. Whether it is in the last pod or whatever... I would prefer a corner if possible... I need to not feel... Surrounded by squeely and yippy people on all sides...
One of the demonstrators was saying that around 1 in 4 don't seem to have opened their lab manual before class... So I got told to mark mine up with highlighters. So the tutors can tell at a glance that I have put in the work, I suppose. Apparently quite a few can't do a 'simple titration' even by the end of their second year. It puzzles me that they don't think that maybe they aren't teaching them right if they haven't learned how to do that in 2 years... They really do seem to think that either you know before you start with them or there is no hope for you. I wish they could list all the skills they are going to assume that I have already (that they aren't going to teach me) so I could make sure I learn them. Youtube... I said about maybe getting glassware since they can't give me any practice with it... Since they said kids are sick of that from school because teh teachers do it all the time because it is cheap... I think youtube is the way to go. watch that... All the people showing you how... Get a sense of the way things should be done from that. Just like dissection... Apparently they won't show us how because some kids already know and they will be bored. I don't understand why they can't have options for kids who won't be bored. Or options for kids who don't expect to be entertained. I mean... Those bored kids.. Can they do it perfect, then? 100%? I'm not saying to make everyone suffer through... Just to offer a class for people who think they could stand to learn something...
Anyway... Whatever... I give up. You need something to reward the kids / parents who paid a fortune for their kids private school education, I guess. The schools who had enough money to purchase equipment like Ph meters and element plates that have a magnet that stirs solutions and so on and so forth... The schools that have teachers good enough to offer lunch time science classes or whatever so the kids could spend plenty of time with the equipment. Learning how to use it all properly. So then when they get to uni they can simply use the equipment to do what they are supposed to do. Instead of not knowing how they are supposed to do anything... Because the lab is designed to not bore the rich kids / parents instead of teaching the kids who don't know. But it is what it is. I can't save the world. I need to just worry about me, for now.
I need to spend less time with mother. I had a conversation that was... HOrrible, really. Triggering. Yeah. I talked to her last week and that was okay. Then she made me promise to phone her this week at a certain day for her birthday... Which I didn't really want to do, but then thought that it seemed important to her so whatever... Anyway... When I got her she was exhausted really from everything. Super excited. Her friend... Old... Was in hospital for a while and now just transitioned into a home. So mother was spending nearly every morning with her while she was at the hospital. She's like that, you see. When people are sick and can't get away then she's absolutely bloody stoked. Because they can't get away, you see. And she can be all... virtuous feeling. so she's on and on and on (wonder where i get that from) about how she was feeding her because otherwise she wouldn't eat (gosh damn i remember that) and so on... and it makes me feel... dirty and horrid, actually. i hope her friend is enjoying it... she might be, i suppose.
and now she's still super excited because she gets to spend her mornings at the home. which is full of people. and so she's full of stories about these people and so on and so on and so on. and of course she's bored and lonely and it gives her something to do with her day. which is great. but she's full of this sense of... virtue. righteousness. that she's doing these things... that other people should be all thinking that she's so very noble etc for going and spending all this time with her... but she's not doing it for her friend, really, she's doing it for herself. because she's bored and lonely and getting a kick out of it. she said something about how she was telling the nurse that she hoped that the other people there didn't mind how mother was so chatty to them all etc etc etc... that the nurse should tell her if they just wanted to be left alone... and i was like 'can't you tell? can't you tell from people whether they seem to be enjoying chatting with you or whether they seem to want you to leave them be?' and i realised...
she can tell. and when she gets that sense that you want her to leave you be -- she really homes in. especially if there is something that she's doing in particular that is upsetting you... she'll sort of grab that and magnify it. and then be all fascinated with what you are going to do with that / how you are going ot react...
and the point of getting a nurse to tell her is that then she hopes to have a conversation with the nurse about how she's virtuous and righteous and friendly and so on and so forth and the other person is a grumpy meanie and so on. even though she knows the nurses are run off their feet... she was saying about how her friend was doing something in a toilet or shower or whatever and she was helping and then she needed help so she sounded the alarm and then the nurse didn't come... she didn't come... and i was like 'are they busy - or are they loafing about in a nurses station?' and she was like 'they are really busy'. and i'm thinking to myself... and there you go... making more work for them... oh but mother is 'helping'. of course she is.
and she is f*ck*ng exhausting. and i can't deal with it. especially since she's what i had when i was growing up... she's the model i had in teaching me how to cope with my own sh*t...
i have my hands full with dealing with hightened physiological arousal myslef. tendencies that ... repulse and disgust me. that i loathe... that... magnify with certain kinds of stressors. chemistry labs worry me... those good kids... i want to be able to calmly fit in there.. and i'm not sure that i'm capable. right off the bat. think i'll freak a bit... become horrid lab partner for one of them. do i deserve a lab partner who knows what they are doing? i'm not entirely sure that is so...
i don't know what i'm saying. but i do know i want to focus on wanting to be better... and i can't cope shoved in the middle of a herd... i am afraid that i'm just like her. but i do think that somehow or other i've got better insight into and can perhaps gain better control over some of this sh*t... i also think that i am different, somehow. that while i might have some tendencies to be like her... i am different, somehow. my emotions... have turned out not to be anywhere near as bad for me to deal with and her emotions were. getting her emotions out of me.. that was a huge f*ck*ng issue to start with... and talking to her.. she doens't have basic ideas of how things like the weather or food or whatever affects mood etc... she's determined it is 'because god wills it so' (she went through a phase of that for a number of years) or... her anxiety... she talks about it like it is an external demon that afflicts her that she has no control over...
i will refocus on my exams... and get this grading done. i will.. physics... it is 'simple physics'. not simple for me, clearly, but simple. it is stuff that will recur. it is worth learning it as best i can. especially if i'm not planning on doing any more of it. i will need to work hard on my moles to mass etc over summer... because that kind of stuff will be required for organic labs. in a noisy environment, too...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 2:34:21
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 20:10:42
It was a real rabbit warren... This... I guess what I thought was another building. Through heavy double doors... Past a bunch of lockers at what sort of looked like a dead end in the passage way. Twists and turns. Some screens... Seats and benches behind them for quiet study... Glass doors that look like they are part of a lab leading into lockers... With a group study room off to one side. Then through some doors... Past the second year labs... Then the first year ones (with the rowdy rabble) right at the end. As far away from everything else as possible.
I think the place might be quite well designed, really. A few prominant swipe card only access... So that curious people are put off trying doors. Chemistry gets the perk of being able to put chemical hazard signs up around the place... I imagine other places are similarly rabbit warren like that. But unless you have a class scheduled in a 2nd year room you wouldn't discover all the paths and alleyways and so on... You simply wouldn't think to go certain places. I mean, even getting to the physics help room... You go into a lab then around the corner into a place that gets you wondering whether you really are supposed to be in there...
And that's the way things have to be. I understand that. Just one more year of it... And I guess... I know where some of those chemistry spaces are now... I might be able to get some quiet(ish) study done around there...
The lab... I feel kinda bad... He gave me the prelab blurb that they get... When chemistry is usually really very closed about their manuals. You have to hand over your ID and they check you are enrolled before you are allowed to purchase... He said that I could observe that lab because it wasn't being assessed... Only of course it was assessed. I only saw half of it... And I wasn't really following along, truth be told. And I can't understand it... And I most certainly can't actually do it without the actual solutions... But I feel bad about having it. I wonder... Should I offer to give it back?
Perhaps... Perhaps it doesn't matter. The 'unfair advantage' thing, I mean. Some kids got years of playing with expensive lab equipment at their expensive High School. Who has the most advantage, you think? Wanna swap mothers, anyone???
Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 17:31:25
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 2:34:21
so...
the physics class is 'basic concepts in physics'. they do keep on about how physics isn't just about your ability to plug the values into the equation and do the calculations... but that is because i think they are concerned that they have some lazy maths students who are hoping to breeze through from their mathematical competence.
it makes them inclined to try and put tricky little tricks in there to trip them up. which means... the maths is totally out of my league. i mean... there is no way.
one of the lecturers... said that they weren't trying to trip us up... they were trying to reward tiny little glimmers of physics understanding... and there are a bunch of conceptual questions. e.g., 'what is the physical principle behind fibre optic cable' (total internal reflection) and so on... there are a bunch of conceptual questions like that...
i'm sitting on 22.86/30 percent thus far. test worth 10% on the latter stuff that i'm least good at... and then exam worth 60%. i think the thing to do... might be to forget about the equations... and instead... try and understand the concepts. so i can get the concept questions. and... to draw pictures. models. so... when i can't get the calculation out... because i didn't know algebra let you do that rearrangement... or because i didn't understand the rearrangements enough to see that equation chain would let me get out the value i needed... then maybe i can get 1/2 a mark or maybe even 1 mark (out of 2 or 3 marks) for... drawing a picture that shows i know something about the situation...
drawing the reflections... or the harmonics... or whatever... i don't know... i guess it can't hurt. even if the stuff isn't entirely relevant (i'll make it as relevant as i can)... it will make it more likely that they will try and scrape me up a pass at least... than if i don't have anything at all on the page. i mean... you can't give people marks for nothing...
it makes it feel more manageable, anyway. to focus on the textbooks... the concepts. the story. there is plenty i need to learn... and it is relevant... to the eye... and so on. metabolism... motivation... working up to it.
i have never felt so stupid.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2014, at 22:05:49
In reply to Re: the solution, posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2014, at 17:31:25
Feeling glum today... The weather has taken a turn...
The Truman Show is on TV tonight... I feel like I'm living in something like that, sometimes. Not that I'm TV entertainment for others... But that there might be some government people somewhere who are structuring things in my life in certain ways... At times I'm well aware that it is some kind of feeling of significance that is borderline delusional. Coincidences that... Simply have to be.
Followed a year through OY1 from this forum... It is... Nicer... To read about people whose grades are a bit lower... There was some stuff on strategy for parts of the UMAT... How you do the object completions that simply made no sense to me before. And some helpful stuff on how everyone seems to hate chemistry labs... How certain parts of certain courses are harder than others... And something of an outline of Chemistry... We do stuff on rates that isn't in the textbook. We did stuff on rates at the start of this year.. God dammit... I hated the stuff on rates. Sigh. I will need to revise that / actually figure out how to do it... And I've been revisiting the Ka to PKa conversion with the negative log scale and so on... That stuff will recur for sure. And it is pretty much expected to be revision for the kids who have done it already... And it will simply swamp those who haven't... The more I get done over the summer the better the grades I'm likely to earn, for sure.
Still... Ill motivated for my courses at the moment... I think it is because I don't see much in the way of correspondance between time / effort spent and actual payoff. Because... The lecturers present things more circuitously... Questions that... Aren't fair, really. And for law... It isn't about ideas... The ideas that I've been focusing on... Rather... It is pithy summaries of the ideas - most of which I simply can't countenance... Together with strings of facts about names and dates. It is mostly about applying the later to some kind of coherant story... Not about... Digging out the truth. If that makes sense... I just... Can't.
The Anatomy and Physiology textbook I've got... It really is growing on me a great deal. A lot of clinical content stuff... The only gripe I have with it is that the text description isn't well arranged with the in text figures / diagrams. I can't read the text and follow through the picture at the same time, you have to flip the pages about... I guess that is the advantage to having an anatomy book on the one hand and an atlas on the other... I guess it will help that they will give us diagrams again in our lab manual... It has becoming clear to me that the text goes into a lot more detail than I need to know (but that a few marks are devoted to rewarding people who have read it) and so... Read it for fun, I will. That is, uh, what it seems to be there for. The second semester the only course that matters is A&P (only need to retain a B+ average overall - which can be done with minimal work, really) and so those A+'s are... Hard earned. Very competitive. The exams are beautiful. It feels like... Learning medicine properly. Everyone says it is really well organised and presented and interesting... Looking forward to it a great deal.
Been looking at exams... Parts of chemistry are making me happy :) Even the stuff on rates... Looks really rather a lot like the questions from last semester... Population health... Seems to be (in part) a bit of a test of language comprehension... English language competence... Knowledge of the NZ health system... Questions that rely on your getting the difference between 'means tested income' and 'means tested benefit'... Harder for those who struggle more with the language, for sure. Those who don't know anything about benefits (ie harder for those who have lived sheltered lives, perhaps)... Stats / critical reasoning sort of thing... I think it will be fun, really.
I sort of feel bad for not being more focused on this year... But... On the other hand... It is important to focus, sometimes. I shouldn't have done law, really... But I did it for fun, I suppose. Biosci... My lab grades consistently improved over the course of the semester. And (I've managed to learn) the first is never actually assessed (though they don't tell you that)... So the first lab... To do with setting up the microscope and getting your magnifications etc... Is all a trial run. And you get feedback on what you have done for your next one (that really is assessed). I really enjoyed the dissections. I... Enjoyed labs a lot, really. Stimulating... Yeah. Needed down time... Yeah. But I really enjoyed them. Medsci... Multi choice quiz based on your prelab mostly. The dissections... Not assessed. It is just chemistry labs... And everyone hates them... And the average mark for them (including all those kids who didn't open their lab manual before class) is 13/17. And so... The thing to do is to NOT let them consume too much time beforehand... Suck it up... Copy / follow along. Amongst all the panicked eyes... (not enough demonstrators for the students is what it amounts to, I think)... Just get through them. Aim to be... Average. Average will do.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 4:44:21
In reply to Re: the solution, posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2014, at 22:05:49
I think i'm becoming a real science student... I spent most of the day printing off past year exams. Cutting them up into sections. Collating questions by topic so I've got something of a test bank of questions by topic.
Patterns do emerge. Of the 'diagram x for even years and diagram y for odd years' variety. Or the same content, really... But with every 2nd key word ommitted even years and every 3rd on odd years or whatever... Patterns like that.
You wouldn't want to count on it... But it helps you focus your study (On ALL that content) for sure. To be able to draw those things. To be able to label them up. To be able to fill in the key words on descriptions of them.
Anatomy and Physiology turns out to be a hell of a lot less anatomy and a hell of a lot more physiology than I had supposed. And physiology turns out to be... Graphs. Graphs and equations. Damn. Lots on the heart. Lots on the lungs. Lots on penises. I guess they try and do reproductive systems early while the kids are still obsessed... I see why everyone goes on about it being an interesting class. Sigh.
Chemistry... I have a better sense of parts to the exam. So... Topics for the course, in other words. But later and earlier stuff mashed about a bit... Across the different sections. Stuff on rates. Oh. It was nice of them to have introduced stuff on rates last semester... Even though I didn't follow a lot of it. I can go back over that stuff... Rates isn't in the textbook so I'll need to do something. And there are some other calculations I need to go back to and figure, as well...
I feel a bit like it is cheating... Only... There is a test bank at the library and the tests are available to enrolled students. They do tell us that we should use them to study... We have to log in to view them and they tell us that they are for us to use to study... That we are not to pass them on or whatever. So... It is legit.
I guess the real use of it comes from... Having them now. Instead of having them later... Too late to make good use of them.
It isn't complete... One of them only had 2 up there... The rest are restricted. And the exam is only content from 2nd half -- so don't know what we get for 1st half...
Anyway... I do feel like every opportunity is there for me... I really hope I don't mess this up...
New interview structure... Mini ones... Because they are cheaper than panels so they've introduced them for nursing and optometry and everything... And so the people who interview you... Haven't read your blurble. Don't know your grades. There isn't any continuity or getting to know you between questions... So... I'm less likely to f*ck up by being honest. LIke what happened with the last. Where... Even though they said I interviewed well I didn't get waitlisted. In other words... They decided from my interview that I was a definate no. And really... It doesn't get to be a worse interview than that...
Is one way of seeing it.
ANyway... I hope I don't fail physics. I am kinda scared about that. I think... I think they really won't like to fail students... Sigh. Sigh. I just want these classes to be over with already...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 19:56:02
In reply to Re: science, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 4:44:21
okay... i'm doing it... putting things away. getting my crap together for this year...
grading ticking along in bits and pieces an hour or two here and there. seems to be the most pleasant way of doing it.
i've put all the stuff for next year away in its boxes. textbooks, too. a week or three left... to focus on exams... once those grades are locked in they are locked in forever. what is three weeks in the rest of my life? i won't regret doing this later...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 20:14:26
In reply to Re: science, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 19:56:02
67 slides for a 50 minute lecture... ffs.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:03:34
In reply to Re: science, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2014, at 20:14:26
I phoned Mother.
Just because.
I had a feeling...
They told her she could visit on Tuesdays and Thursdays for an hour per visit. But that she needed to stay away, otherwise.
They really took the time to do it properly. Had a (her words) 'big family meeting'. And they told her that she obviously really loved her friend to be spending so much time there (yeah, it was totally about her friend)... And so on and so forth. And of course she was upset... But now she is mostly okay. She said she was exhausted with spending all that time up there...
She was full of stories.
Mostly stories which involved mother getting her friend wound up about various things and mother ringing the bell and wanting the staff to come and placate mother. I mean, her friend. Who mother had gotten all wound up.
A story about how upset her friend was that she wasn't getting this special nutrition drink that she was supposed to have / was used to having... But then she said that it was just as well she was there to remind her friend she was supposed to have the drink because she seemed to keep forgetting that she was supposed to have it! So... Mother would remind her about this super special super delicious nutritious drink that her friend was supposed to have... Don't you want your yummy drink??? Hmm... Hmm.... HMMMMM? And then ringing the bell and reminding the staff that she was supposed to be having this drink and see how upset she was that she wanted the drink and there wasn't a drink and where was her drink and see how upset she was see? see? SEE?
Then after they asked mother to go... Mother overheard one of the nurses telling her friend that the head nurse and doctor had decided she didn't need the drink since she was eating so well (though of course mother was combo force feeding her and probably eating more than half of it)...
It is really hard to listen to her go on about such things...
About how she went to look for more food for her at one point and the kitchen people said there is some stew... Or some pineapple... And Mother was like 'I'll take her the stew' and the kitchen person was like 'I thought she was vegetarian' and mother was like 'don't tell her there is meat in it and she will never know'. And then mother was trying to feed it to her and her friend was asking what was in it and mother was saying 'don't think about that - just eat it' and then the kitchen person came out and told her 'there is meat in it'. And mother was like 'ssssh she'll never know if you don't tell her haha'. And the kitchen person was like 'there is meat in it'.
And then they took mother aside (because, you know, they don't have better things to be doing) and explained to mother how she needed to respect her friends wishes. And how mother was like 'But she's got dementia'. And they were like 'But she's not totally gone yet'.
These are the things Mother will pronounce clearly. Loudly and clearly. About her own behaviour. And other people will listen... And become progressively uncomfortable... And repulsed by her behaviour. And when Mother can see them getting upset she will continue. She'll raise her voice even louder, to get more of an audience.
She was all happy... Because she was SO IMPRESSED at how they respected her friends wishes even though she had dementia... And SO IMPRESSED at how they were full of appreciation for how much she loved her friend...
There is something wrong with her. That she can't see how other people... Are repulsed by the fact that she... Uses her friends as platforms for her own dramas... Nobody would let her get near them with a barge pole.
What is wrong with her?
Is that wrong with me, too?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:31:43
In reply to Re: science, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:03:34
those are just two examples. i tried to recount them... the way they were. minimal interpretation.
but that is her. over and over. a continual stream of it. a continual stream of stories about things... just like that.
she'll tell me that she doesn't understand why her neighbour closes her curtains during the day. her house must get all musty and be all dark with her curtains closed like that. maybe she's depressed? maybe mother should go over and try and cheer her up?
or maybe she's closing her curtains because she's stick of mother sitting there watching everything she does all day.
constant...
when i was little...
my teachers would be forced to listen to stories about how i couldn't go and ride horses because i hadn't made my bed... or about how mother needed to make me stay at the table until midnight because i wouldn't eat my mound of silverbeet.
i think...
i think she wants someone to step up to her and tell her it like it is. and tell her that her behaviour is not okay. and tell her what behaviour is okay from her. what sorts of things would be more appropriate. maybe because she doesn't know.
it is just exhausting. it is like... she's emotionally 3 years old or something. if another person is around then she simply will not regulate her emotions (she's incapable of helping regulate anybody elses).
i think i see some things in me... which is why i stay away from people. because she doesn't seem to care when they cringe away from her... but i see and it hurts me. a lot. i feel disgust and shame. she... doesn't seem to. i .. don't know what to say.
what is wrong with her? what is wrong with me?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 21, 2014, at 18:27:58
In reply to Re: science, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:31:43
histology lab today. it is the same content as stuff they do first up next year so i'm motivated to be learning it.
physics test tomorrow morning. i think it will scare me a bit and i'll put in some good study between now and my physics exam around this time next week.
there are aspects of biology that overlap with next year, for sure. i will try and learn those as best i can. i will give some of the lecture notes content a miss... but i will try my best to learn the relevant sections of the textbook that overlap with next year.
law... i don't entirely know what to say... she puts notes up of her summaries... i will do my best to engage honestly with the topic. i don't have a bunch of time (or motivation) to be cramming various things... but i will do some study, for sure. especially with respect to sealord and the constitution... she's bound to ask about the treaty given the number of international students...
i want a dell supersharp 22 inch monitor. i have decided :) mostly because... it has fabulous reviews and i've found an ex-lease one for less than $200. if i can learn to study from pdf books... i will save myself a fortune on hardcopies and on printing over the years... i really should give it an honest effort. having a nice display will help a lot. especially for anatomy. i am kinda obsessed about learning anatomy... i know it is common for people to lament that medical students don't really learn their anatomy these days etc etc etc. well... today... in properly studying my textbooks... i remember how much i love cramming those little facts / stories about stuff.
takes a bit to get it in there in the first place... but then you get to where it rolls smoothly off the tongue. a little bit everyday... so many atlases... so many labels... a little bit everyday... i think that is the way... i hope i can get the monitor before someone else picks it up... a little bit of grading...
i hope... i... uh... i really do need to pass my classes this year. not passing physics could potentially be probematic. i've applied for a scholarship, too... not sure that i'll get it... i think it is sort of more about financial need than about academic excellence... well... sort of both... it couldn't hurt to get better grades. i'm just... well... physics seems overwhelming. overwhelming for me.
a little grading... keeps me sane, honestly. life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 22, 2014, at 17:29:46
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on October 21, 2014, at 18:27:58
the test was truly horrible. there is no way that i passed it. i don't know what to do... exam next thursday.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 23, 2014, at 0:49:59
In reply to Re: refocus..., posted by alexandra_k on October 21, 2014, at 18:27:58
well... mother got me the monitor as an early christmas present. for which i sort of feel bad... but sort of not.
i just took a benzo. that is 2 of 5 gone. the ones i got when i lost my wallet that i found...
i... started to freak out that i wouldn't get into health science next year if i failed physics. then i didn't know what to do. i wandered over to physics... to see if someone could advise me on how best to study. should i focus on doing past years problems (following along all the worked problems i can). should i focus on understanding the textbook. should i focus on printing out what is in some instances more than 20 powerpoint slides per class???
i couldn't find anyone... so i went to the learning people... to try and make an appointment to see them... to see if they could find someone who could advise me as to whether it matters or not.
but of course i can't get in to see them until it is too late, really.
i guess i just... do the best i can.
i think... i'll say that i'll finish up the grading i've got.. but no more (the very last assignment). it will be sad about not having the extra money... but i really do need to focus on these exams.
i don't have a bunch of money to go printing off the masses and masses of lecture notes. people seem to think that you can chop a novel into powerpoint slides. sigh. still... monitor should be up and running monday or tuesday... i got a cable...
just get through this... then i can learn anatomy from all those fabulous anatomy books i managed to find online... i can view pictures and text at the same time with the A&P book i have next year... learn to use it for study that way...
and maybe a little teeny tiny bit of WOW. over the summer...
just get through physics for now. ideal gases. thermodynamics. i suppose... would be good to know. sigh.
Posted by pontormo on October 24, 2014, at 1:16:41
In reply to Re: books » pontormo, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2014, at 16:58:47
Hi Alex,
Sorry I haven't been around to respond.
Sounds like the nurse really overreacted. I mean of course you shouldn't hit people-- but calling the police seems really premature.
I suppose she might have thought you were about to become really violent-- and I guess she could have felt that you had crossed the line. But if she found you threatening, why not call a doctor, or just get reinforcements from some of the staff?
It sounds as though it turned out more or less okay in the end-- luckily. I guess you dodged a bullet as they say. Although they also say that all's well that ends well.
I guess in the future maybe screaming at her, rather than taking physical action, could have caused a more self-protective commotion-- and taking a few deep breaths and coming back the next day at a different time would have been a more effective --and altogether more rational--strategy.
I'm glad it turned out as it did.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2014, at 2:28:13
In reply to Re: your case-- (from upstream in the thread), posted by pontormo on October 24, 2014, at 1:16:41
hi :)
> Sorry I haven't been around to respond.
that's okay. i mean... it is nice to have responses... but it is also nice to... vent. or something. i do feel bad seeing lots of my posts on a page... but i don't suppose it stops me... so... all is well.
yeah... the cop said that she was having a bad day and decided enough! i guess... we were both about as stubborn as each other. i won't be going back there...
so... it worked out okay in the end, yeah. i ended up going to a GP who was reccommended by an autism support group who i'd emailed. she turned out to be really great. and now i regularly see a nurse from there. she is mostly great. sometimes not... but being sometimes not is being human. so... she's pretty terrific, yeah.
> I'm glad it turned out as it did.thanks.
how are you doing? anything you want to share about what's going on for you?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2014, at 18:04:30
In reply to Re: your case-- (from upstream in the thread) » pontormo, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2014, at 2:28:13
I have rearranged my room... It makes a huge difference, actually. Something that I like to do every now and then. A bit of a fresh start. It has been a bit hard with the places I've been living. Having such a tiny space. Only one logical place for things. Perhaps that was why I needed to move rooms occasionally.
Anyway... The monitor makes a huge difference. Really, very. Odd.. For what is, in many respects, a very tiny thing. I guess my mobile phone made a huge difference to my life, too. My mobile... Gives me instant access to emails. And I can phone people occasionally. Which I've actually taken to doing. My Mother, even. For better or worse... I think it is important to the both of us to get along.
The monitor ties me to my desk, rather. Which would have been a bit of a pain before. For so many years now... Like... 11 or 12 years... I've loved laptops for their portability. Being able to write my thesis in cafes or under a shady tree...
The only writing I do these days is Babbling. All my assessments have been multiguess. I can't remember the last time I had to submit written work... Even law is exams rather than essays. I had to write a one page assignment for tech... Aside from that... Applications for things... But no written work since Australia.
I don't really need a laptop anymore. Maybe I'll get a desktop next time around. Bootcamp windows. Play Skyrim ahahaha.
The main thing I need in a study space is... To have the stuff, yeah. The books and the powerpoints etc... I'm hoping I can get away without a printer with having the monitor display... But what I really need... Is to be able to chatter to myself. Tell myself stories. 'There are 5 kinds of junctions: tight, adherans, desmosomes, hemidesmosomes, gap. tight junctions bind cells tightly so contents of organs don't leak. they can be found in the lining of the stomach, intestines, bladder. they are comprised of strands of transmembrane protein...'
And then of course, one day, find a good group of people who study like me... And we can quiz each other 'what is the transmembrane protein in a hemidesmosome?' and 'where would you find a gap junction?'...
none of this.... 'draw a graph of the pressure - volume relationship shading the amount of work'.
I think I might get a bean bag. They have them in the short loan library and they are terrific. You can sort of... Lie back on them to stretch out your hip flexors. YOu can lie across them on your belly like a whale... Until the library people grump at you for lying on the floor (no lying on the floor! it is a rule, apparently. And beanbags count as floor sometimes according to some of them). You can move about in them, that is the point... So you don't get... Stuck. Siezed up. Gosh darn it I am getting old. I have been thinking about getting one for a while, but thought there wasn't really room for it... But I think there is room for it... I can squash it into a corner under my desk... Or into a corner beside my desk... I might even be able to get a little table / book shelf / drawer space kind of thing... Sorely need one... No freaking drawers / stuff all shelves in this room... Living out of bags...
I know it is weird... But little things like this... Are so important to me, psychologically. Perhaps because this really is my home. It isn't a... Hotel. I'm not here for a 6 month student exchange and then moving on. I'm not even here for the 24 weeks of the academic year and then moving on. This is me... This is it... I don't have much... But I kinda like the idea of really... Really liking the stuff that I've got.
I remember one of my friends saying something like that to me... She said that she was used to having lots and lots and lots of stuff growing up. She had a bunch of sisters... So clothes, in particular. Lots and lots of stuff... But then moving around a lot for conferences... And study stints here and there... And she was coming around to this idea of having 1 suitcase full of good stuff. Instead of wardrobes full of mostly crap. Or... Stuff she didn't really like. Or stuff she might fit into one day. Or whatever...
I really like that way of thinking... Except for these nice wool / silk pants I got for my last med interview... Pretty charcoal and they sit just right... Before I got my squatters *ss. God dammit... THey never will fit again :( Bloody things are probably cursed, anyway. Perhaps that is the way to look at it...
The monitor... Really is very beautiful for moving images. Wow... Wow, indeed. Pictures... Are terrific, too. Text... I am dissapointed in text. I think it is because of all the stuff I read off the internet... People were saying that text was a very basic thing... Moving images... Colour... Those are hard. Basically making it sound like text is to moving image as walking is to running (toddlers learning aside). Like the demands on moving image are so much higher... Anything competent in that can handle text easy.
But I'm finding moving image to be beautiful, indeed. But text is looking grainy to me. Grainier than textbooks. The edges of text - at any font size - look pixelated. But I don't find that with printed textbooks. Why is this???
?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 20:51:32
In reply to nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2014, at 18:04:30
not feeling the love for physics or for law. which is bad of me, rather, since my grades from here actually mean something...
i have lost... that part of me that loved learning for learnings sake. that part of me that thought it would be wonderful to take a first year course in everything there was. that part of me is gone, now. i think because i've found my focus.
i always used to feel a little... scathing? at the people who didn't have a love of learning for learnings sake. and i never really understood how making something practical made it easier. or how making something relevant to something that a person is interested in makes it seem easier.
but now... physics stuff comes up... refractions through the parts of the eye... diffusion through cells of different areas and thicknesses... and that stuff makes sense. seems relevant. seems interesting. seems important. whereas physics in the abstract... i really can't wrap my head around it. and i'll admit... it is something that i just sit there... in a little pool of despair about... not something that gets me perked up or interested. or feeling the love, really. it just all seems a bit too much.
my thesis got to be like that. with my hating it.
i... i don't think it will matter to entry next year if i fail physics. i... don't think they will fail me. i think they will find it in their hearts to scrape me a pass... oh please oh please oh please...
i've... perhaps learned a lesson about how there are a variety of reasons why people get the variety of grades they do. i perhaps... was a bit too keen to write people off as not very bright or ill motivated before... i feel... kinder now. which is good. humbled.
so...
parts of animal bio.
-- plan B. i need one. so i'm not totally destroyed if things don't work out. turns out that you can do a bunch of MEDSCI papers with a physiology major. and that switching to a physiology major won't land me with a physics requirement. if i don't get into med... i can finish off a degree and apply again. switching out of health science and back into science... might mean it takes me an extra year (though perhaps not with the papers i've done this year). only my last 2 count for GPA for med entry...
there was also a blurb that came out... about applying for med. they do want a 350 word blurb on why you want to do it... they also want a 150 word blurb on leadership and the like. i have stuff to say about organising conferences and peer review etc. i have done stuff in the past like volunteered for riding for disabled and summer camp... i... am looking into joining a weightlifting club... i could actually join the NZ club as a carded athlete... even if i never compete... it is something to say... uh... it sounds a whole lot better than 'i like the gym'. and there isn't a university club... there is actually a proper weightlifting club... a bit of a hike... but actually hikeable. i think they do get kids... saw some vids of some girls... high school age... doing something like that one day a week... perhaps on a saturday morning... could be really terrific for me. i'll see...
anyway...
ticking along. a bit scared i'm... letting people down somehow. that people will... be... angry? dissapointed? in me that i won't do well... something...
i think i have learned an important lesson about focus, though. i... do need to follow my passions. there's nothing else to be done with me...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 21:18:52
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 20:51:32
and it isn't that i'm lazy...
i AM prepared to work. i work very hard on my squats. i work very hard on chemistry... mostly on the latter because it actually seems possible... in a way that physics does not.
i think...
i think i'm mostly at peace about it...
our last biology lab we made a slide of a rat intestine. it was beautiful. they had slides of all different kinds of tissue... it was beautiful.
anyway...
just the final consistency check and the grading is done...
i think i might get a cheap brother monochrome multifunction laser printer... i have spent a fortune on printing this year... and maybe a mouse with some buttons i can attach various spells uh, i mean, programs onto...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 22:28:21
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 21:18:52
actually, i don't need a scanner. i think i've only scanned 4 or 5 things in my life and i can use a scanner in the uni or the public library. i do need a printer, though. for printing off all those lecture notes... not sure why that didn't properly occur to me before... can get a monochrome laser one for about the same cost as replacement toner ahaha. printer ink... about the most expensive liquid in the world...
(depending on pressure and temperature etc etc ahaha)
overkill?
http://www.razerzone.com/gaming-mice/razer-naga
i swear i saw something about a free cape...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 22:33:22
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 22:28:21
it is like a barbell, you see. i think... i haven't used a mouse since i moved to laptops... they really seem to have come a long way...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2014, at 14:43:16
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2014, at 22:33:22
so... there is this wrapper called wineskin... that promises to wrap windows stuff (e.g., games) so that you can play them on mac OS.
ooooooh.
i have a hankering for morrowwind... which a lot of people seem to have got to run okay. and of course dun dun dun dun... might and magic: day of the destroyer.
kinda scared they won't work...
they just don't make games like they used to.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2014, at 23:11:42
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2014, at 14:43:16
and so... i probably won't.
it is a very weird thing, but watching playthroughs on youtube seems to take care of the hankering to play computer games. odd, huh.
getting back into my books... did some reading about kidneys in the comparative animal biology book... and read a little thermodynamics from the physics book (which isn't anywhere near so nice). which is of course part of the problem.
i don't like thermodynamics... because it tells me that the world will never be a better place for having had me in it. i mean... i suppose i could help in some small localised sense... but overall... taking more and more and more and more and more into account... overall... i make things worse. i don't like physics anymore.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:09:30
In reply to Re: nesting, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2014, at 23:11:42
So I just had a nice chat with my mother. which was... nice. It really does seem to depend on what kind of a mood both of us are in. I caught her in the middle of squashing snails in the garden, which is a thing she loves to do, so it was a nice conversation, yeah.
I've been thinking some more about books. After looking into printers and printing costs. Seeing how much variation in price there is in different kinds of paper. Coming to realise that that is one of the things that is nice about my newest books... Glossy white paper yeah. Squeaky under the fingers. High resolution printing. Beautiful colors... I don't need any of that for printing off powerpoint notes... But I see that that is why 700+ double sided books are expensive... And then there is the hardback and the binding...
Something that pisses me off no end is how education people like to go on about 'different learning styles'... And while I do think that there is something legitimate to it I also think that often the notion is bandied about in a way that doesn't do anyone any favors. E.g., Doing a brain storm and getting a bunch of sentences... Throwing them up on the board all disorganised... Then drawing circles around them and strings like balloons really isn't doing anything for the 'visual learners'.
My chemistry friend last semester... I was telling her about how I was writing out the chemistry concepts... And learning to draw pictures. Because past years exams included questions like 'draw a face centered packing cubic unit cell'. She was like... 'Oh, I don't learn like that'. She'd been told that because of her ethnicity she was a verbal (as in talking to people) learner. Unfortunately... No amount of talking to people is going to prepare her for drawing a face centered packing cubit unit cell. That situation pissed me off because... Telling her that she was a verbal learner was preventing her from learning the information that she was going to be assessed on. It was... Harming her. Not helping her.
I got to thinking some more about books... I have really started reading the A&P book for next year and it is super-dense, yeah. Not very many wasted words at all. But the more you go over it... The more sense it makes and the more it sinks in. First reading... Most of it goes straight over, yeah. Second reading... Find myself remembering some of the key words... Third reading... More key words... Covering up parts... Of text... Of pictures... Remembering them. It is hard how a lot of the figures / tables etc referred to in the text involve a lot of page flipping to find... But it is hardest on the first reading when you don't have a mental image of the figure / table referred to. As you start to learn it... It is actually good that you don't use the physical copy so much as a crutch...
Beautiful books... Outlines to prime you of important concepts... Key words in bold... Succint... To the point... No wasted words. Summary. Questions to help you think about what you have learned. The very best teaching there is... Really... It is just wonderful...
I think people are too quick to write off books as being for 'verbal learners'. Which is crap... Because education people have started banding about 'verbal learners' as a label for people who like to crap about in groups... Lots of chatter... Someone who can't shut their pie hole for 5 minutes gets to be called a 'verbal learner' which has... Nothing to do with books, seems to me.
Reading books out loud to yourself... Or trying to recall contents outloud to yourself... Seems to be to be verbal learning. Saying and hearing. There is something about those neural pathways... But there is something about visual information, too... Building a mental picture of the bones and how they fit together... Or of the flow of blood through the heart or the kidneys... Writing and drawing... Kinesthetic... From eyes to hand or from ears to hand or whatever... Different neural circuits... The more the merrier... Slightly different parts of the elephant or something...
I like psychology very much for its stuff on learning. Education... Not to much. What do education people know about learning ffs? You don't typically end up in the school of education if you did well in science... I don't understand why the science people who care about teaching their subject look to Education... Does science really scorn psychology that much?????
I get tired of mistakes... In lecture notes and the like. I think they think that they are teaching people to think. Because people wouldn't think otherwise. It gets me feeling mad and resentful and I don't want to play their stupid little game. That is how I feel about that. If they can't be bothered fixing up their mistakes over however many years of teaching... If they don't can't respect their subject / their students that much... Why should I waste my time for them. Because that is what it is... I try the problem... As best I can... Which takes time. Then I check the answer... And if I got the problem right... I think I got the problem wrong. I could spend a couple of hours trying to figure where I'm going wrong... What am I doing wrong. I could even work myself up into some rationalisation to get the (wrong) answer they got. Congradulations... You just taught me how to do the problem wrong. Thanks so much for that. Not.
Perhaps they should try that teaching strategy on student doctors. Give them a bunch of wrong information about symptoms or drug dosages. You know, to encourage them to think about what they are doing and to learn. Give those doctors to the people who think that is a legitimate learning strategy.
FFs people. FFS
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:36:38
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:09:30
You know...
English Literature classes don't start out being all apologetic that you have to read the same book that you studied in school all over again. You don't start out studying Hamlet or Pride and Prejudice with apologies that you have probably read the book before so it is probably boring for you or whatever.
Only science does that.
To be fair... There is perhaps more variation in teaching. Different things one can draw out or focus on. One of the things I loved about tutoring was how we used to have to attend lectures... I would learn so much attending the lectures... Different lecturers focus on slightly different things and I'd get to think about things in slightly different ways. I loved reading introductory textbooks, too. For the same reason. Philosophy at it's best... Trying to make things as simple and clear as possible... Different authors focusing on slightly different things with a slightly different emphasis.
Science has that too. Different textbooks explain things in slightly different ways... Sort of... Parts really are the same... Like... Nearly word for word... But I find something reassuring about that. Vaguely comforting. Those parts can be skimmed unbelievably fast, anyways, so I don't see the problem.
Like how some lucky bastards attend schools that provide their lecture recordings in a format that lets them listen at 2x or 2.5x speed...
At this school they still haven't got their heads around the idea that some students might learn better when they don't have other students whispering all the way through the lectures... When they don't have 10 minutes of 'OH MY GAWD she said that he said that she thought!!!' before most lectures... When they can pause and high speed etc etc as THEY see fit. Oh my gawd indeed... Students who actually know how they learn best...
I feel... A little scared that I'm not doing more to prepare for this lot of exams. On the one hand... I feel like there is something important in being able to suck it up and do the job even when the job seems... Distasteful... Or something. (Apparently the TRUE AND CORRECT answers to the last few years multiguess of physics are available now)... On the other hand... I feel like... It doesn't matter. I am enjoying learning human anatomy / physiology right now. Even if it is partly a procrastination strategy.... I am currently in a good learning space... A space where I do my best learning... Where I weave those textbooks into part of myself and where I retain that knowledge forever. I should... Run with that while it's going.
Do I deserve a slap on the hand... Focus. I worry 'she's not even able to stick with something when it doesn't interest her. It isn't like every part of the medical curriculum or clinical placements is going to appeal. how is she going to cope with the *ssh*l* doctor who she doesn't feel like working for? or the 2 day workshop or whatever where we have to tell ALL the students 'you won't freaking well graduate if you don't get your *ss to it'... because there is bound to be... a lot of sucking it up...
On message boards... People are often 'what can I do over summer to prepare'. They are routinely told: 'enjoy your summer! things will get hard soon enough! if all goes well for you then you really won't have any summers in future so enjoy while you still can!' But then... If you dig a bit deeper... People will say... That they got the books or whatever... And they tried to do focused study... But they didn't really have any idea of what to study or how to study... So they just sort of kludged about in a way that didn't turn out to be helpful. So... Enjoy your summer!
(Unless of course you enjoy your books - as it turns out many of them did).
But it isn't so very likely to be helpful...
Which is... Sort of true. But sort of not true. I know from experience... Everyone says 'get the A&P book'.. And.. Well.. I simply don't see how knowing certain things... Can't help. But then... I suppose I have the benefit of having past years exams... And also... A genuine interest / desire to know about A&P... For its own sake. Exams aside...
I think... I'm not going to worry so much about these exams.
I think... I'm not going to do stats over the summer. I'm going to enjoy my books now, while I've for the time to enjoy them. Hopefully.... I'll internalise them well enough so that my superquick skimming of them (which will all I'll have time for) will be enough of a reminder...
Chemistry... Really will take up the significant majority of my time. Even internalising the textbook... The textbook bears dubious relation... Lots of little tricks... Little puzzles... She will teach us everythign we need to know... But learning it... Will take up most of my time... The more biology I've got behind me the better...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:52:59
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:36:38
so...
i know pre-meds are tiresome because they are all about doing the bare minimum they need to do to get an A... and because they are all like 'do i have to learn that, like will that be on the test?' but now i see... there are only so many hours in the day... and also a little bit of... peeve... if you don't think this is important enough to be on the test... if you are incapable of presenting it in a way that is learnable.. then why are you wasting my time with it?
i feel...
guilty that i am thinking about joining as an athlete pretty much solely because it will sound better on an application thing. i know pre-meds are tiresome for signing up for things (club secretary etc) that they think will boost their cv and then they go on to really do a crap job / neglect what it is that they are supposed to do...
but then on the other hand... apparently i am not good at selling myself. and i suppose that is the way that i need to be thinking of this... as part of self promotion. which i feel... scathing about... but, whatever. i'm not going to join a rugby club... (not appropriate as a girl, anyway, i suppose running club would be the equivalent, really)... but sport really is the perfect answer. to the whole 'what are you going to do when you have a crap day at work?' question...
i need some 'community embeddedness' thing, too... because even though weightlifting is a sport they might possibly be dubious about the whole meathead aspect of it... not entirely sure what to do... keep an eye on the volunteer list, i guess... i have noticed that more serious stuff seems to be coming up now... only rattle a tin on a street corner kind of stuff nearer the start of the year...
otherwise... i don't suppose i'll worry... i guess the sport thing will be enough... need to wait and hear what message board people say about the application, anyway... since they have introduced the whole multiple mini thing due to their being cheap skates.... the interviewers can't ask us questions arising from our application... because, you know, reading our application and keeping track of stuff from it would take time... (and besides, would probably introduce all the biases they are hoping the interview format will eliminate) so... i don't really see what any of that stuff is for (except to prepare us for the 'personal question' mini interview question that we get). in which case i can afford to be a one hit wonder with the weightlifting thing....
though it is weird because we are told specifically the interviewers won't know our grades or UMAT scores (to prevent bias) but one of the things the interviewers score us on is out ability to do science wtf??? Perhaps they mean... our ability to convey to the interviewer that we have ability to do science whether we can do science or not?
there there... science says: feel better.
i need... to prepare an answer to a question along the lines of what i think is my most negative trait or whatever... one that... is a backhanded selling of myself. part of the game...
i suppose that is what they want to see, really... that we can play the game. the whole 'making people believe they are getting the best possible treatment' game.. 'there there feel better'. there there.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2014, at 18:53:50
In reply to Re: books, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2014, at 19:52:59
it was okay. it could have been so very very very very very much worse. i mean, i know i didn't do amazingly... but i am pretty darned sure that i passed. i am also pretty darned sure that studying for it would have made me to do worse on it. i went in feeling fairly relaxed about it all, which was the best thing i could have done, really.
feeling a bit motivated to study for biology since i've realised it is only the last 3 sections of the course... so... into it...
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