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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by All Done on June 9, 2005, at 22:32:24
In reply to Re: 10:00 pm the boy returns » gardenergirl, posted by Larry Hoover on June 9, 2005, at 22:26:39
> Give him a good hint upside the head, and tell him it was from Lar, 'kay?
>
> LarWant to tag team him, Lar? I don't exactly know what that means, but it seems like it might be appropriate in this situation.
Posted by Deneb on June 9, 2005, at 22:33:23
In reply to Birthday blues, posted by gardenergirl on June 9, 2005, at 20:55:10
I hate birthdays too some years. The pressure to "enjoy" oneself can be enormous at times. I'd say, forget about birthdays...you can always figure out how old you are by subtraction. :-)
I'd say, make all your happy days your "birthday" and celebrate!
Deneb (used to be shy_girl)
Posted by Jazzed on June 9, 2005, at 22:35:27
In reply to Birthday blues, posted by gardenergirl on June 9, 2005, at 20:55:10
I hope he got you something nice. Make him take you out tomorrow.
If I were invited to your b'day I'd get you a winning lottery ticket, because you're always so helpful and giving.
Jazzy
Posted by Poet on June 9, 2005, at 22:38:39
In reply to Birthday blues, posted by gardenergirl on June 9, 2005, at 20:55:10
Safe Cyber Hugs ((((((GG))))),
We'll celebrate your unbirthday like in Alice in Wonderland. I get to be the red queen in the croquet game. Falls has the ice cream list ready. I'll have lots of red wine. Good stuff, not the cheap kind I buy at the drug store the wino that I am.
Sorry your birthday birthday wasn't so good. Your unbirthday will be much, much better.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on June 9, 2005, at 22:38:39
Hi everyone.
I've got a weak smile going here. I appreciate everyone's support. Wish I could answer each individual, but I've got the crying headache going.
So, here's the thing. He did it on purpose.
Let me say that again. He did it ON PURPOSE!
Holy crap. I still don't quite believe it. He admitted it. Poor dear. Seems payback is a bitch, it seems. On his birthday, I was in a deep depression. I got him a lovely gift, but I just couldn't handle the dinner, so we did it another night.
Seems he's lonely and I am shutting him out. UM, this is NOT the way to go about correcting that! And um, see me curl up like a grub protecting that soft underbelly? And you wonder why I'm shutting you out? (sorry for shift in person...). Anyone remember the "I'm thinking of buying a gun, but I won't tell you about it" "joke" that he pulled before? And he wonders why I shut him out? I can't take too many body blows, especially when I'm getting them from all directions.
Laurie and Lar, thanks for the offer to knock him upside the head. I already blasted him. Seems that incident with the dude parked in the middle of the road has sparked a new me. Express that anger! Go ahead and say the f-word! You are PO'd! Go off. (Please note, I do not give this advice to my clients.) :-)
Anyway, it certainly felt authentic, and I'm sure it expressed that I was more than "a bit peeved."
I think we have a long and hard row to hoe here. I've been struggling with why I can't let myself let him in, in a number of ways. I know it's not realistic to believe that someone will never hurt you. But intentional hurt? I've just got to protect myself from that. I think he needs to earn my trust again, and that will not be easy or quick.
Sigh
I hate these damned crying headaches. And I feel like I'm going to hurl.
Off to bed to try to get some sleep.
Thanks again, folks. I'm so glad y'all are here.
gg
Posted by Sonya on June 10, 2005, at 8:01:05
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
gg - hard to believe the people we're closest too and we love the most could inflict so much pain. When I was in a horrible funk last year my husband often made matters worse even though I know he loves me. I feel for you. I hope the two of you can discuss this, forgive each other and put it behind you.
Birthday hugs to you! Feel better!
Posted by partlycloudy on June 10, 2005, at 8:08:23
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
GG, I'm so sorry you had a "pay back" birthday present from your spouse. It's not at all what you deserve, my fine friend.
It sounds like he *really* doesn't understand depression. Have you had any counselling together?
I also am happy to volunteer to whack the guy upside the head, but in my experience (sorry to say) it doesn't do much good.Here's to hoping that today is a much better day for you.
((((gg))))
pc
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2005, at 8:25:50
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
Oh, gg. I'm so sorry. That was utterly rotten of him. :(
Do you think he might have been upset about last weekend as well?
My husband is currently punishing me for what seems like being happy, but I'm sure has something to do with my going off and leaving him as well. He's pulling out his "I'm afraid I'll lose my job." that he's trotted out for years whenever I'm feeling good.
Sometimes I ask myself that classic Ann Landers question, and sometimes I'm not sure of the answer. Is my husband subtly trying to keep me depressed? Is yours?
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 8:33:10
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on June 10, 2005, at 8:25:50
Hi Dinah,
Your reply has me thinking. He did bring up last weekend in the context of me trying to decide if I feel up to going away with him this weekend. He applied pressure by saying that he would be hurt that I did the Babble thing and then wouldn't go with him. And he whined that he probably can't get a flight at this point and doesn't want to drive alone. I know I shouldn't let that affect my decision, but it is a factor.And I've got so much backlog of work because the last few days have not been productive at all. Sigh. Another reason I don't feel up to going.
I think we reached a good compromise, though about this weekend. But I'm still curled up like a grub. My client has not shown at the moment, so I may give my T a call.
And about him subtly keeping me depressed...well, you could be right. I need to think about that. I did holler at him that I was depressed before he met me, and I never hid it from him, so if he has a problem with it, why did he marry me? And he needs order in his life so much, I'm afraid my scatteriness and depression really really conflict with that need. Because trust me, I can't be ordered like a rack of spices.
Thanks for your ongoing support.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 8:35:40
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by partlycloudy on June 10, 2005, at 8:08:23
Hi PC,
Thanks for being here. I know whacking him won't help, but what a stupid, stupid thing to do. Sheesh.We haven't done counseling together, but it's in our future. I'd really prefer, though, that he go to individual first. He's got issues, as you can clearly see. He's moving towards going, but I know it scares the pants off of him. I'm trying to be patient, but I drew the line last night and told him that this behavior was unacceptable and "never again." (as if I have control of that...)
Thanks again. I'm remembering real hugs, and that makes your support so much sweeter.
gg
> GG, I'm so sorry you had a "pay back" birthday present from your spouse. It's not at all what you deserve, my fine friend.
> It sounds like he *really* doesn't understand depression. Have you had any counselling together?
> I also am happy to volunteer to whack the guy upside the head, but in my experience (sorry to say) it doesn't do much good.
>
> Here's to hoping that today is a much better day for you.
> ((((gg))))
> pc
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 8:36:40
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by Sonya on June 10, 2005, at 8:01:05
Sonya,
Thanks for your understanding. I'm sorry it comes from experience, though. :(Today seems a little better, and I've got some chammomile tea here to soothe. Now if only I had some cucumber for these eyes...
gg
Posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:28
In reply to Birthday blues, posted by gardenergirl on June 9, 2005, at 20:55:10
Everyone has a story don't they. I think you will find that there are more of us out there who have experienced some of the same or similar things you have. Doesn't make it better, or diminish your own pain, but it does seem to help when someone else understands and has been there.
I am sorry your birthday was so crappy. Mr Man should have been more caring and sensitive instead of selfish. Good grief, he was holding that grudge against you for his birthday for a year? Boy, you said it when you told PC that he "had issues". But don't we all.
I find that my Mr. Man also tends to have problems with me being happy. Happy that is with other people. Can't laugh too loud on the phone, he might be feeling left out. I liked what Dinah suggested about yours trying to keep you down. It could be, you know. I've often wondered that about my own situation.
Anyway, paybacks sure are hell. Lording guilt over you is just as bad. I think I would probably get back in the marital swing of things with my own little personal revenge tour.
Suggestions for GG to gain her status back on the Birthday Queen pedestal:
(Note: These should probably be done in private and not told to the recipient)1. Drop his steak on the floor and put it back on his plate. (Now if this were at my house, that would have to be a chicken leg. Poor people have poor ways.)
2. Use his toothbrush to clean the gunk out of your jewelry. (Or the toilet if you dare!)
3. Hide the remote and say the kids/pet (insert appropriate scapegoat) must have lost it.
4. Add rubbing alcohol to his after shave lotion. Don't be shy, that old addage that a "little dab'll do ya" just doesn't apply here.
5. As a matter of fact, use his razor to clean the fuzz balls off your sweater. Be sure to get all that fuzz out from between the blades, you don't want any tell tale signs of anything being amiss. By the way, this one should probably be done before #4 for the most effective results.
6. Wait until he is taking a shower, and decide that the whites need to be laundered......in VERY hot water. "Oops, your didn't realize he was in there"
7. Sprinkle lots of talcom powder on fresh new sheets, don't rub it in. Men hate pungent smells, he might have to go to the couch for the night.
8. Decide that everyone in the house must go on a diet, remove all sweets and fattening things from the house...or better yet, just hide that stuff in your closet so you know where it is when you need it......replace with not fat cheese, milk, you name it....."make it so".
9. Start a new tradition of "YOUR" house being the place for your friends to gather and have a weekly facial/nail/hair "Girl's Night In" party that lasts for several hours. This should probably be done on an occassion when you know he will be home, and preferrably in his way. Like say, the living room. You should probably let the air out of his tires so he can't escape. (Babblemail me for foolproof and non tracing instructions)
And last but certainly not least,
10. Have a perpetual headache. Now do I need to eeesplain dat to ju Lucy? Lets face it honey, sometimes the only way to get back at a man is to do it without them knowing it, but having the satifation that it was done. I find witholding sex tends to work more often than not.
Now, GG, go out, get a pedicure, buy a new summer purse &/or shoes and a bottle if wine. Go home and prop your feet up, admire your new toe do, and plot your next move......."Zippity do da, zippity ay, my oh my what a wonderful day........"
Signed Me,
The Deviant One.....(used to be full of Grace)
Posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:55
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
oh GG,
I'm so sorry about all this! (((((gg)))))
I hope he comes to his senses soon and realizes that this is not the right way to handle it.You poor thing! I'm sending lots of virtual hugs and chocolate your way.
JenStar
Posted by sunny10 on June 10, 2005, at 10:18:33
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:28
yeah, my story like that had a man I was "engaged to" having me clean up his boat for the month before my birthday (he worked weekends and I didn't, so I was helping out).
And on my birthday weekend, he took it out of the driveway for a "weekend with the boys"- left me home alone. And THEN I found out he was actually with a girl that worked for him on the boat all weekend, alone ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!
I think there was something wrong with my server yesterday, 'cause I didn't get all of these posts until today...Sorry I wasn't helpful at the time- and I'm probably not much help now, but maybe at least you know you're definitely not alone in tihs whole B-Day blues thing!
Posted by AuntieMel on June 10, 2005, at 10:24:28
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
Sorry for being blunt, but that was just plain mean!
Issues? Like wanting the world to revolve around him?
I'll happily come knock him upside the head, too. Don't mess with Texas! Or friends of Texans.
Ok - calm down Mel.
Revenge.....
Public humiliation. How about you send a stripper to his office on his next birthday. A MALE stripper!
Great start AdaGrace. More tricks people? Chime in here folks.
Posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:24:45
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:28
If you're a man, a husband, a SO, or just simply know a woman in a casual platonic way.
Sorry, really, I am.
I don't do these things.
Perhaps this post COULD incite a woman to perform certain things on the list as a way to get back at her man, and really, I think we all here agree that these are just silly suggestions, not intended to be taken seriously.
Right Girls? (suttle wink)
Posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2005, at 11:19:59
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
Amazing. Utterly amazing.
I'm glad you blew up at him. You have every reason to be angry at him.
He definitely needs to work on talking things out rather than acting them out.
You don't deserve to be hurt like this.
You can tell him I said so.
(((((GG)))))
Love,
Falls
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 10, 2005, at 12:06:33
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
> So, here's the thing. He did it on purpose.
>
> Let me say that again. He did it ON PURPOSE!
>
> Holy crap. I still don't quite believe it. He admitted it. Poor dear. Seems payback is a bitch, it seems. On his birthday, I was in a deep depression. I got him a lovely gift, but I just couldn't handle the dinner, so we did it another night.
>> I think we have a long and hard row to hoe here. I've been struggling with why I can't let myself let him in, in a number of ways. I know it's not realistic to believe that someone will never hurt you. But intentional hurt? I've just got to protect myself from that.
Hey, gg. First off, I'm sorry. Those closest to our hearts have the greatest leverage.
{{{{{{{{{{{{gg}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm a silver-lining sort of guy, though.
Here's what I see. I see two people who love each other very much. And both of them have hurts. Both have inner child needs that haven't been met.
There are options. You can turn it into a blaming war. He shoulda, you shoulda, all that stuff. Nobody wins that.
Or both of you can sit down together and acknowledge how hard it is on each of you, to live through this all, together. I suspect he's feeling loss, a grieving, because he did not (truly, how could he?) know what it meant to marry a depressive. What he did to show you that was childish, but can you see past it?
And he's got to figure out how to accept that you don't do this on purpose. That it's not from bad choices, character defects, or not smiling enough.
I don't think either of you would be so hurt if it (your relationship) didn't matter so much.
I'm just tossing in my impressions. I hope they help.
Lar
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 10, 2005, at 14:48:05
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
GG seems like you got a lot of "gifts" for your birthday....
some of them unwanted.
passive/agressive behavor is no fun.My thoughts are with you.
Jai
Posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:24:44
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
oh GG,
I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry and you don't deserve that.((((gg))))
I'm sorry your birthday was sucky, and that he deliberately messed it up. That is so awful.
I hope you two can work out the issues and get happy again. I don't know how to do it, but I hope it happens.
Take care of yourself.
thinking of you!
JenStar
Posted by annierose on June 10, 2005, at 21:44:17
In reply to Thanks for support--update--it's even worse, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2005, at 0:14:05
GG-
You're probably back in Chicago (I think).
Men, they just don't think like we do. Our brains are wired differently.
I do think as we change and grow and get healthier, it is scary for our husbands. Mine actually just admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to leave him (as I get happier with myself). I replied, "I wouldn't think of it if you acted with kindess and thoughfullness all the time." He replied sarcasticly. Typical.
My husband and I did the marriage counseling thing. Funny, the T focused mostly on my husband's behavior, and wanted to see him individually. That last only a few more sessions before my husband quit. :( Now we see my daughter's T in joint sessions. She can speak to my husband in such a way, he doesn't get defensive. And he listens.
Change is slow. Change is hard.
I hope if you did go to Chicago with him, you were able to enjoy his company and have a good time. I hope he said he was sorry a million times too. And I hope your headache went away.
You're very special. Don't forget that!!
Annierose
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:34:54
In reply to Re: Birthday blues » gardenergirl, posted by AdaGrace on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:28
Adagrace,
Thanks for making me giggle. It was a bit of a foreign sound, as it's been a few days. And of course I know you were kidding with these.> Suggestions for GG to gain her status back on the Birthday Queen pedestal:
> (Note: These should probably be done in private and not told to the recipient)
>
> 1. Drop his steak on the floor and put it back on his plate. (Now if this were at my house, that would have to be a chicken leg. Poor people have poor ways.)Five second rule???
>
> 2. Use his toothbrush to clean the gunk out of your jewelry. (Or the toilet if you dare!)OMG, I used to do something similar with my brother's toothbrush when I was a snarky teenager! (she admits with only a twinge of shame and a bit of an ewwww)
>
> 3. Hide the remote and say the kids/pet (insert appropriate scapegoat) must have lost it.Now this will be hard. We have too darned many remotes. I could take all the batteries out. ;)
>
> 4. Add rubbing alcohol to his after shave lotion. Don't be shy, that old addage that a "little dab'll do ya" just doesn't apply here.Oh my! This and the next one...devious. Too bad he doesn't use after shave. But I could start using his razor on my legs.
>
> 5. As a matter of fact, use his razor to clean the fuzz balls off your sweater. Be sure to get all that fuzz out from between the blades, you don't want any tell tale signs of anything being amiss. By the way, this one should probably be done before #4 for the most effective results.
>
> 6. Wait until he is taking a shower, and decide that the whites need to be laundered......in VERY hot water. "Oops, your didn't realize he was in there"LOL!!!!
>
> 7. Sprinkle lots of talcom powder on fresh new sheets, don't rub it in. Men hate pungent smells, he might have to go to the couch for the night.Won't work. He has almost no sense of smell.
>
> 8. Decide that everyone in the house must go on a diet, remove all sweets and fattening things from the house...or better yet, just hide that stuff in your closet so you know where it is when you need it......replace with not fat cheese, milk, you name it....."make it so".Again, not devious but would be helpful. He's diabetic.
>
> 9. Start a new tradition of "YOUR" house being the place for your friends to gather and have a weekly facial/nail/hair "Girl's Night In" party that lasts for several hours. This should probably be done on an occassion when you know he will be home, and preferrably in his way. Like say, the living room. You should probably let the air out of his tires so he can't escape. (Babblemail me for foolproof and non tracing instructions)I love this idea of having a gaggle of girlfriends come over. Hmmm, party at GG's?
>
> And last but certainly not least,
>
> 10. Have a perpetual headache. Now do I need to eeesplain dat to ju Lucy? Lets face it honey, sometimes the only way to get back at a man is to do it without them knowing it, but having the satifation that it was done. I find witholding sex tends to work more often than not.I won't go into why this would not have any effect in this case. Unless.....I could start demanding sex!! Oy.
>
>
> Now, GG, go out, get a pedicure, buy a new summer purse &/or shoes and a bottle if wine. Go home and prop your feet up, admire your new toe do, and plot your next move.......
>
> "Zippity do da, zippity ay, my oh my what a wonderful day........"
>
> Signed Me,
> The Deviant One.....(used to be full of Grace)
LOL, thanks again. Very good advice. ;-)gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:35:54
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 10:03:55
Thanks Jen,
I could use all the hugs and chocolate (well maybe not all of that unless it is magic chocolate and doesn't add up) I can get.:)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:37:25
In reply to Re: Birthday blues, posted by sunny10 on June 10, 2005, at 10:18:33
OMG, sunny. What a horrible story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. You know, I think birthday celebrations should be reserved for our girlfriends, who know what to do and what not to do.
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:39:46
In reply to Re: He did what???? » gardenergirl, posted by AuntieMel on June 10, 2005, at 10:24:28
> Sorry for being blunt, but that was just plain mean!
I agree. And I told him in even blunter and definitely more vulgar terms. Not an asterisk in sight.
>
> I'll happily come knock him upside the head, too. Don't mess with Texas! Or friends of Texans.My hero. :)
>
> Ok - calm down Mel.
>
> Revenge.....
>
> Public humiliation. How about you send a stripper to his office on his next birthday. A MALE stripper!Oh my. He works among engineers and among many um, shall I say, dang...can't think of a polite way to say this. I'll just say good idea. Would definitely humiliate him.
>
>
Thanks for making me smile.gg
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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