Posted by whiterabbit on June 15, 2003, at 22:52:06
In reply to Re: My friend...Gracie, posted by Miller on June 14, 2003, at 19:59:16
You all are so sweet! You know, now the initial shock and fear has worn off, I'm well on my way to the conclusion that he's doing us both a favor by initiating this divorce. I'm sure he regards himself as some sort of martyr for tolerating my craziness as long as he did...it's true that I did
get very sick and between the cycles of crushing depression and the manic self-destructive behavior, it must have been very difficult to live with me. Although I'm obviously in the process of recovering with the right medication and therapy, apparently it's too little and too late for him.Just the same he was often not my idea of a good husband. Much of the time he acted like he never wanted to be married. When all his friends were single, he would stay out all night with them and roll in whenever he damned well pleased, usually sometime between when the bars closed and dawn. If I asked him not to do something, he would do it even more to show me who was in charge. He would never wear his wedding ring and I guess he got tired of hearing about that so finally he just lost it.
Obviously he's been very unhappy for quite some time. I could never do anything right, ever. He would pick apart anything I tried to do and complain, complain...then he would go out drinking and bitch about me to his freinds. Some of it got back to me and I was horrified about the things he told everybody, nothing was too personal and a lot of it was downright hateful. God knows what else he was up to, he was always looking for women on the internet and now that he's found someone else to have sex with, I'm history.
But I'm NOT moving out. I did have every intention to do so, my feelings were badly hurt and I wanted to cut and run. Fortunately my stepmother brought me back to my senses...she was appalled when I told her that I was moving. She said, he's the one who doesn't want to be married so if he can't stand to live with you, HE should put his things in a box and move out. YOU don't put your things in a box and move until you're ready, after he's gone. That is YOUR home, your money helped pay for it...
Well of course she's right, sure she is. What the hell was I thinking.
And you're right too, I'm much more than he thinks I am. His low opinion of me colored many of my actions and decisions and made me feel as worthless as he was he was always saying. Now I see that it's not true, it was never true.
One of the cliches that he's thrown at me a few times is, he "deserves a chance to be happy." And I do too. He wants his "freedom" and he can certainly have it, but there is a price and he will pay it. I'm not making another decision without professional, legal advice.
Miller you might have come to the point in your own marriage where it's time to cut your losses...
of course I don't know for sure, I don't know the details, YOUR marriage could be worth salvaging and if it is, there's a good book I can recommend called "Divorce Busting". (Whew! Almost forgot the double double quotes!)I sell books on amazon and I bought this particular book quite awhile back from the Goodwill for resale intentions. I decided to read it in a last-ditch effort to save the marriage although I was quite skeptical - I sort of expected advice on how to keep the house cleaner and how to be sexier and crap like that -
I really didn't want to hear that I needed to be a better wife and it was too late for that anyway,
just a bandaid on a bullet wound. But the book isn't like that, it's actually intelligent reading. It pretty much outlines all the things you need to consider, the stuff you should take into account when there's a huge important step like divorce looming on the horizon.Ohmygosh I know how you feel - ithurtsithurtsithurts. Every once in awhile that ugly little voice inside me sticks its head in the door and starts chanting, "You can't handle this, you can't handle this!" But by now I'm getting better at kicking the door shut and yelling, "F*** OFF!!" It took me awhile to get here though, yes it did.
I'm pulling for you too Miller - remember to write whenever you need a warm & fuzzy. We're here for you.
-Gracie
poster:whiterabbit
thread:233507
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/234221.html