Posted by wishingstar on December 9, 2007, at 9:40:06
Hi everyone...
Wow what a bad poster and more importantly friend I have been to some of you. I show up, say I'm coming back, and then disappear again. I've never followed through. I'm sorry. I'm sure this part only applies to one or two people, but if you dont trust me like you did, I'm really sorry.
I've been continuing to read. But I guess I've been avoiding posting or becoming involved on a daily basis again because everything in my life is so shakey, so unstable, and this is a place I associate with some of the worst times in my life (because of me, not the place itself of course) and I've just been.. afraid. I dont know. Overall I'd say I'm doing pretty well. A lot better than a year ago, that's for sure. The passing suicidal thoughts and sometimes harder-to-fight SI urges, but overall functioning day to day and doing okay. But that all feels very unstable. I feel like this new thing could shatter at any moment and I'd be unable to get it back. I've worked very hard to take bad days, weeks, etc and not let them signify anything other than a bad day and continue to tell myself tomorrow will be better. I think sinking into the pattern of depresion is a big part of what keeps me in the deepest parts of it. Not sure why I'm writing all this - I guess just to explain myself. I've started to slip again recently (but I'm fairly sure it's medication/hormone related and in my control) but I hesitate to post about it.. I dont want to make it real.I got a new job. I'm an investigator with Child Protective Services... ie, investigate the new referrals to CPS of child abuse/neglect. I live in a rural-ish area and we dont get many of the severe abuse cases. I like the people I work with and so far I really like the job.
I'm also still in a relationship with the man I was dating over the summer. It's at the point it's causing my more hurt than happiness on a day to day basis, but I just cant leave yet. He's not abusive, just insensitive really. But he's basically my only friend and... you get the idea.I've got a therapy question but I think I'll post below this. It's really a different topic and might have some value to others.
poster:wishingstar
thread:799695
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799695.html