Posted by widget on February 26, 2007, at 12:34:58
In reply to Widget re:your T, posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 12:03:42
It does answer my question and everything you said makes perfect sense. BUT, it is very important that he find me attractive because that would validate me. I know its weird but that what's going on. If only he could see me as a woman, I would feel desirable. That is all I want. Yes, I agree it should be definitely looked at in therapy and I just realized last session that this is what my drive to interest him in me sexually has been about. Why is it so important? Wow, if I knew the answer to that....I think you are, also, right that he doesn't wish to talk about HIS sexuality. The problem is that in the past that is where I've been stuck. I've been trying to read into anything he says, doesn't say, voice inflection, etc. This, I am sure, is because of how I was brought up. Emotions were never shown nor expressed in words. I never knew where I stood with how my parents felt about me. So, its made me an extremist demanding disclosure about how important people (therapist) in my life REALLY view me and feel about me. So, do you think he was extending me a courtesy to talk about his feelings toward me at all? And, I totally agree that certain automatic, unplanned sexual attractions toward inappropriate people (ie: your nephew, your brother) should be repressed. But, in therapy, couldn't he have told me if this was the case? In fact, he told me this was not the case since "he doesn't go there." But, his not going there seems like severe repression on his part; how can you stop an automatic feeling of attraction, be it ever fleeting? Isn't that just human. And, I think at this point he would have told me if that were so and, yes, that would have satisfied me. I appreciate you listening to me; I know I probably don't make rational sense but it's how I feel. I realize I'll never get what I want from him and that is probably because I never got anything (attention, love, concern, etc.) from my father. And, due to that frustration as a child, this situation with the therapist if extremely frustrating. Unbelievably frustrating. I feel like a little kid who feels safe enough with this therapist (I was NEVER safe with my dad), to DEMAND what I feel I need. I could never have demanded anything from my father. I just tried to avoid him. I am driven to try to break my therapist's boundaries and I have told him that, not that he hasn't noticed, I'm sure! The more he resists, the harder I try. However, I am at the end of trying as I have asked in every oblique way culminating in a very direct way and its a no go. This makes me feel so very sad and unlovable and undesirable. Yes, I am probably lucky he is sooo ethical as I feel like an accident waiting to happen. Still, I love him and I love my husband and that's just how it is now. Loving him, however, is hopeless, just like trying to elicit love from my dad. I hope I am not confusing you. I am probably frustrating you as you are dealing from the head, rational thinking and I am coming from the heart.
Thanks for writing, I really appreciate any feedback. Sincerely, Widget
poster:widget
thread:736423
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/736447.html