I don't know where else to post this, so.....

Posted by Larry Hoover on April 4, 2005, at 19:53:21

I just went through an episode of being extremely triggered. It started off simply enough....giving voice to my displeasure over a joke that was (IMHO) in bad taste.....but then it got very.....very something. I don't even know what to call it. But, I know where it came from.
When I was a kid, my mom used to completely disregard my feelings. If they weren't convenient for her, she would do one of two things: a) turn her back; or, b) beat the snot out of me. I sometimes cry just hearing the words "What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!"
When my therapist first suggested to me that I had PTSD as the result of that and other childhood experiences, I dismissed it out of hand. I think it took me three years, and developing acute PTSD from a mugging, to really grasp what he was getting at. I've learned to manage many of the aspects of PTSD, with his help, but episodes like this one just leave me....well.... surprised, frustrated, embarassed, exhausted, confused, frazzled, annoyed, and....more, probably, but I'm too frazzled frustrated annoyed embarassed exhausted confused and surprised to figure it out.
So, here I was, having an authority figure turning his back on me, after I'd just presented a rather symbolic little beauty into his domain, anticipating a discussion on the subject. No, instead I get dismissive comments, (personal attacks by PM), and pure censorship. The triggering energy, though, came out of me in rhetoric. I'm not even sure of all that I said, but I know I said a lot.
I resent the way I can lose control. I resent the way my childhood echoes so loudly, after all these years, after all this effort to rebuild and restructure. I fear that I have hurt people I care about, because I was too involved with something that blinded me, in its pure energy and drive.
I don't even know what I'm seeking, posting this here. Maybe just if somebody "gets it"? Maybe?
Lar

Thread

I don't know where else to post this, so..... Larry Hoover 4/4/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... Spriggy 4/4/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover fallsfall 4/4/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Dinah 4/4/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... TofuEmmy 4/4/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » TofuEmmy Larry Hoover 4/4/05
wow Tofu Spriggy 4/4/05
Re: wow » Spriggy TofuEmmy 4/4/05
Re: wow Tofu Gabbi-x-2 4/4/05
Re: wow Tofu alexandra_k 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Tabitha 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... alexandra_k 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » TofuEmmy fallsfall 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Tabitha Larry Hoover 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » fallsfall TofuEmmy 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... sunny10 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Dinah 4/5/05
Tofu henrietta 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » TofuEmmy Dinah 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover antigua 4/5/05
Re: knowing why doesn't help me much (nm) » antigua sunny10 4/5/05
Re: knowing why doesn't help me much » sunny10 antigua 4/5/05
Re: knowing why doesn't help me much » antigua Larry Hoover 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Tabitha 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Tamar 4/5/05
Re: Tofu » henrietta Gabbi-x-2 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Tabitha Larry Hoover 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Pfinstegg 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Pfinstegg Larry Hoover 4/5/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Pfinstegg 4/5/05
Re: Can I join in? Hmm? ;-) (nm) » Pfinstegg alexandra_k 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... sunny10 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » sunny10 Larry Hoover 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover antigua 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... sunny10 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... Susan47 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » sunny10 Susan47 4/6/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Susan47 Larry Hoover 4/6/05
Weird but Wonderful, Larry... Susan47 4/6/05
You made me blush! (nm) » Susan47 Larry Hoover 4/6/05
Rage, and validation » antigua Larry Hoover 4/7/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Pfinstegg Larry Hoover 4/7/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » sunny10 Larry Hoover 4/7/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Larry Hoover Pfinstegg 4/7/05
Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... » Pfinstegg Larry Hoover 4/7/05
accepting dissociated self states » Larry Hoover Pfinstegg 4/7/05
Re: accepting dissociated self states daisym 4/8/05
Waahhh! {pout} Nobody liked my... Larry Hoover 4/10/05
Re: Waahhh! {pout} Nobody liked my... » Larry Hoover Tamar 4/10/05
Re: Waahhh! {pout} Nobody liked my... » Larry Hoover damos 4/10/05

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poster:Larry Hoover thread:479827
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