Posted by Larry Hoover on December 31, 2004, at 8:24:08
In reply to Re: Boundaries » Larry Hoover, posted by littleone on December 30, 2004, at 16:08:58
> Thanks for your thoughts Larry. I kind of know the theory about boundaries being flexible (and I really liked your analogy), but I find it hard to think of these in real life terms - what examples would be of the middle ground.
Life comes to us on a case-by-case basis. All the planning in the world could not anticipate every outcome.
You just practise doing it better, as you go along. There's no right or wrong answer. If you stick to a boundary, and there are adverse outcomes, you may decide to be less rigid about that subject in future. If you fail to protect a boundary, and there are adverse outcomes....and so on.
> I know I tend to fluxuate between too rigid and too flexible. But then I have a lot of trouble with all or nothing's.
Boundaries are a good example of the grey in between. If you lived life without them (classic dysfunctional family dynamic), then imposing them seems stark and rigid. It's only because you're not used to it. It's like learning to drive a car. At first, you have to consciously remember which pedal is the brake, and which the throttle. Before long, it comes without thought. Boundaries get to be like that.
> > My take on what you're describing is that your brother was hurt that your boundary took Christmas away from the two of you. Giving him some kind of exception does not invalidate your boundary, if you yourself recognize that you're making an exception just for him. And for yourself, do you have some regret that you don't have some kind of recognition of Christmas between brother and sister? Just an open question to consider. Maybe part of your ambivalence is that you cut off an avenue of communication with your sib.
>
> This doesn't really resonate with me. I don't understand anything to do with my brother. Haven't even gotten close to looking at that with my T. I know we used to play together a lot as kids, but now he really revolts me. He disgusts me, not in a dirty/clean way, but as a person. He's a real creep.Well I think that answers my question!
> I know I don't want his present because I don't want *anything* from him. I certainly don't want to feel like he has anything over me. Like I'm indebted to him. Which I know is dumb because it's just a stupid Christmas present ... but it's there anyway.That is anything but dumb. It's how you feel. One rule I have is: "My feelings are not subject to debate by anyone.....including me."
If this gift signifies indebtedness to someone who revolts you, then I think that you know what you need to do. So go ahead and do it. Write a little note, and get your husband or someone else to "courier" it. You don't have to confront him, just the idea in your head.
> > When you're the first person in a dysfunctional family to begin a process of healing, of boundary creation, of attribution of personal responsibilities, it seems like you're doing all the work. Maybe you are, at first. It's hard not to have some sort of expectation that the rest of the family might catch on to the same ideas that you're starting to catch onto. But here, you can lead by example.
> >
> > Just doing it differently this year was noticed. Count on that. Expect to have people wonder why you made this choice. Expect the odd bump in the road of understanding. You may want to think about how you're going to answer the inevitable questions. Your answer should respect boundaries, too. If you succeed in putting respect back into the dynamic, others are going to want more of that.
> Thank you for this Larry. It really clarified how I'm feeling.You're very welcome. As you might have guessed, I've walked this path.
> I keep picturing that me and my family have stumbled upon this giant, ugly, ferocious monster ready to attack us. And while I'm standing there with a sword prepared to defend myself and chase it off, the others are all wandering around going "Monster? What monster? I can't see any monsters" and then just wander away to leave me to fight it alone.
The big issue is denial. Absolutely. The single most revolutionary book I ever read on the subject was John Bradshaw's "Bradshaw On: The Family". I understand it's in a revised form today. It's all about boundaries, and family roles, and denial.
> I've printed out your post for my journal to remind myself of what you said.
That's very touching. Thank you for saying that. Affirmation goes a long way.
> > I admire your courage. One step at a time.
>
> Ack. I don't feel courageous. I feel like I've just handled things by avoiding them (as usual). The only difference was that this time I chose to avoid rather than just running on avoidant autopilot.Controlling your environment, rather than letting it control you, takes courage. It's ownership of your space. It's taking responsibility for the outcomes. The reason nobody in your family of origin sees the monster is because no one is responsible. Everybody is just playing a role, as in a play. To them, it just is that way.
> And I know that's not right. I had to confront to avoid and that's the courageous part. But still ... ack.Yes, exactly. The work will be hard, at times. But once begun, you can't go back. Denial, for you, is broken. Pace yourself. Choose your battles. Don't ever worry about retreating to take a break and resting up for the next conflict. Soon, this will just be the new normal.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:434385
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435955.html