Posted by daisym on November 4, 2004, at 13:02:18
In reply to Re: What I want, What she fears (Daisy), posted by Pfinstegg on November 3, 2004, at 17:30:50
Sounds like a powerful session. I've had a couple of those, where the younger parts of me speak almost directly, releasing emotions.
You are lucky to have such an understanding husband. Did he know about the abuse before? One of my major hurtles is that I told my husband before we were married (almost 22 years ago) that my dad had "touched me" inappropriately. He basically said, "OH. Are you sure it was meant like you took it? Not like tickling or anything?" I ended that discussion pretty quickly. I was in a space of completely denying that this had any impact on me and my life at all. And I didn't remember how far it had all gone and how many years it went on. And my dad is part of my life now, though he doesn't live close, so he and my husband have a relationship, even though they don't really like each other. My children adore my dad, he is great grandpa. Go figure.
So to now say, "don't touch me, it brings on a flashback" would mean explaining the flashback and the extent of the abuse and trusting him to keep it confidential. I just can't do that right now. So I have to figure out how to protect little Daisy without just saying no.
My therapy appointment yesterday was full of tears and intense longings to be protected. I had such a hard time leaving, both because the world seemed so threatening and because I was convinced that I would close the door and he would shake his head and decide I was hopeless and he was tired to trying to get me to do things I couldn't. He told me a bunch of times that he knew it was really hard for me to set personal boundaries, I never learned how. He said he was sure over time I would. And I would learn how to speak up about sex, but I had to feel safe and work through some of these powerful emotions first. He reminded me that he was very patient and I didn't need to do anything just because I thought he wanted me to.
I didn't do the homework he asked for, but instead wrote a letter to my husband about how sex was for me right now, and what I wished was different. I did that before bed. At 3am, I wrote another one, from little Daisy, about what she thought about sex and how upsetting it all was. She was brutal and angry and really honest. I took both of them with me to my appointment and we read them together. He had tears in his eyes from the second one, because it was so intense. But he said it was the first real step to healing her feelings...letting her be angry and honest. Anger scares me...
In the end he reminded me to take him with me and to call him later, just to touch base and feel safe. And he asked me to let her keep writing, which is so very hard. But when he called at 9pm, he was gentle and joked with me and really soothed those fears of him disappearing. So she didn't write, she just went quiet for awhile.
Have I said this is really hard? How do you quiet down in between sessions? I need suggestions because ice cream and cream of wheat aren't working as well as they use to.
I think it is going to be a long weekend.
poster:daisym
thread:410840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/411709.html