Posted by Enigma on September 2, 2010, at 10:56:49
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by violette on September 1, 2010, at 0:41:50
> Hi Enigma,
>
> Sorry to hear about your marriage not working out. :)
>
> You seem to have to much going on in the health department to be dating...chill out a little for now, ok? Get yourself together first, and then maybe the dating successess fill follow...
>
> May I also ask-what happened with the previous psychiatrist who was also providing therapy to you? Was it psychoanalytic therapy by chance?
>Thanks. I wish it never was, except I want to keep my kids. I wasn't the best years of my life trying to make someone else happy without any regard for any of my needs being fulfilled. I never really had that many needs anyway. All I needed was 1-2 lifelong, loyal, brother-like friends. I never got anything even remotely close.
Before I forget, I'll answer your question. No one around here, maybe except for 1 guy I think I saw who advertised in Boston, does psychoanalysis.
I was supposed to get cognitive behavioral therapy, but when I go see these practitioners, they just give me talk therapy. I find that know little to nothing of actually APPLYING CBT, they just know what the definition of it is.
I went out last night, just because I needed to get over my fear. Yes, I'm afraid to go to bars/clubs/etc now (alone), because since my so-called friends ran away, I know the judgements will start coming. Why's that guy here by himself? Doesn't he have any friends? Why is he listening to his mp3 player?
Because I've tried talking to people, wherever I went, and usually that went badly, and they hurt me, ignored me, treated me, well, like a loser, etc.I looked great last night. Perfect shave, hair, good muscle tone, smaller gut, now it's pretty small - I lost 7 pounds now after stopping Nardil, I have about 10-12 more to go, and I need to lift again. Point is, which I already said in my previous post surprised me and spoke a word to me. I expected this, which is why I bring my earbuds.
I worked out the other day like some kind of animal, where I set the machine (treadmill) to a high setting, and ran it twice. I NEVER workout. The sweating side-effect is still with me, I could overheat and die, when on Nardil, or Selegeline. Read the side-effects if you don't believe me. Since I'm off all my meds, I was full of rage, I jumped on there to get it out of my system.. Even did 500 "butterfly curls", and bicep curls, with no weight, while running. Normally, I would have lasted 10-15 mins of this, but my fury pushed it up to an hour before I almost collapsed.
Doc yesterday said I'm grieving from suffering from so much loss. Career, friends, blown off my hundreds of women (this number is very LOW compared to how many I contacted (attempted to contact) in 8 months).
I guess I already knew that, and, only after 2 beers, which I know, I shouldn't drink, I feel terrible today.. not a hangover, I think..but maybe that same recurring headache (and possibly a touch of a hangover - as I never drink anymore, my tolerance dropped).. I had the bartender dump my 3rd beer. I knew it was just going to make me sick, or upset, or risk my DUI limitations, etc. I only drank because I needed a vacation.
I so wish one woman could have come up to me last night just to ask what I was listening to, cause I "groove" physically, "play" the drums (tapping to the beat,etc) and I really don't care what anyone thinks.
My dreams, for once, were all bad last night, meaning, ppl let me down, denied me of their promises, etc. I'm a very light sleeper and wake up many times at night, still. So, I usually remember my dreams...and they're usually "hard-core", like the music I listen to.. meaning that they're extreme. I woke up to a dream where super hero-kind of, types, were fighting the bad guys. With full gore, that doesn't seem to phase me. The hero was trying to destroy the main "bad guy", then turned out to be on his side all along, having caused the deaths of many of his, just prior, allies, friends, and comrades. I think I was supposed to be the hero, and was so upset "I" let so many people down, used them, put them in danger, got killed them, etc.
Another, a sexy young woman, promised me, well, use your imagination, then after waiting throughout the whole dream for my reward, let me down.
Talk about exaggerations of my life (2 so-called friends let me down that night, whom I asked to go out with me - 1, had a good excuse, I guess, and the other, so lame that I don't even want to write it down, or I'll punch my LCD). I asked him.. "did you ever thing, I'm in a REALLY bad way right now? Have you ever said yes to go out after work for dinner, a drink, to talk, etc,?" Then I said wait, don't answer that, it was rhetorical. Of course you didn't. I forgot to say, Jeez, how many people do you know like me, ready to pop, at any moment. Ok, I have to say it. He said, "I have plans". I said, like what? He said, "I have to drive my son to Karate". I instantly replied, can't your WIFE do it?, he responded later by saying that you have to give people some notice. Jeezus. I said, "That's a BS excuse and YOU KNOW IT". I then said "If you needed me, I'd already be there and you that too". NO RESPONSE. He didn't even want to ask his wife for help, and that "V" (my nickname), really needed him. I know her. She would have said, "oh god, get out of here, why don't you even have your shoes on yet". "He's calling for help you stupid $!#^%!, and you gave him THAT excuse?".
Then he asks me to go to lunch with him today, like a mere 45 mins is gonna do anything for me - this is before my last email to him.
I immediately wrote in my diary (digital daily log thing), on my phone, never to ever call him again. I wouldn't have called either of the excuse twins, but, I'm desperate.
I feel so horrible today, mainly because I couldn't get over him (and the countless list I've already burned bridges with - and never regretted it - that came before him, everything else I've said above, and where I'm going to be "at" in my life, for who knows how many years to come.
I had my usual super sweating yesterday, I wish that side-effect would go away already, but somehow I think it's now permanent or going to take months to dissipate. Nardil seems like it permanently broke my bodies ability to cool itself and regulate its temperature. I soaked through my t-shirt, pj to (which I don't usually wear, but I got cold, then hot, common cycle for me.. sweat cools on your body before evaporating, then the fans I have on me chill me, so I put something else on, and overheat.. anyway, so my back, and back of my neck soaked through to the pillowcase and into the pillow. Fun.
At the bar, I couldn't even sit on the deck and had to go inside, where it was like a morgue. I just sat there jamming to my music while watching all the people in groups have laughs and fun. Many, were golfers, older ones, where they STILL went out, with just the guys, so screw those jerks that I know at 40 who have "given up" on that lifestyle. How amazingly pathetic. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a women there, alone.. sometimes another guy. Women, almost never go out alone, for the same reasons I don't want to. But if one did, she's probably be hounded by men all night, especially if she was pretty.. I see her point.
I wonder if people thought I wanted to be alone, due to the headphones. I only wear them, and hour or more after I get there, giving people a chance to talk to me, but no one cared, wanted company, etc. I was all alone, again, surrounded by people. Imagine if someone looked at me and said to themselves, "that guy is all alone, why don't we invite him over to our table".. I wonder if anyone EVER thought that of me... I know I have, to others who looked lonely, and sat next to them and tried to talk. They either blew me off, or said very little, and left soon afterwards. I can't win. I have no exceptions to these stories above.When I was <=39, I met women at "the bar" ONLY when I was with a friend, and hit it off so well, we hugged them (of course I insisted), after we said goodbye. This actually reminded me of a married woman I kinda fell for, who I'm pretty sure knew I liked her. I think she felt the same way. During our hug, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I never asked for it, and she was sober. This used to happen a lot when I had "drinking buddies". Now, my social life is, well, dead. Those bastard "friends" couldn't even give me 1 night every other month!!! I hope, well, naa, I won't finish that sentence...
So, I don't know what to do now. 1 month till my "new" p-doc - he's one that gave me ECT before, which failed miserably. Not sure what meds will help me, and I'm really not interested in playing that game again. Something in my brain has changed, like I said before. I've never been off meds this long and not been suicidal, every day.
I couldn't talk to the doctor without crying. I was able to stop myself after a while, but it was very hard. Cried last night at some point, in bed, and this morning, while writing this post.
My head is killing me and I really want my vicatin back. Other meds aren't cutting it on this headache.
Another person sent me an email on one of my dating sites (I refuse to pay for them anymore, or do 'searches', just to get shot down). Too painful. I should probably go and take the angry message down off my bio on one of the sites. But if it hurts the people who hurt me, then I feel great about it. I'm one big pile of Vengeance...ever since I was a kid. That's not what people call me 'V' btw...
Oh yeah, so I checked her out and again.. sorry, but not interested at all. Still have yet to get an email on those sites by someone I'm attracted to. Now I can blow her off, like the pretty women all do, or let her down easy, which is what I always do. Wonder if some people who rather be "blown off", no response, etc. I don't.
Since I'm so damaged lately, my charm, sense of humor (any happiness) I would show normally, when out, are dead. I'd probably be like a zombie if someone talked to me.. I'm not sure. Maybe if they were attractive, I'd switch gear back to the social comedian I used to be. When my friends abandoned me, over the years, they also killed off the different fun "personalities" I used to have. Now I'm dry, cold, and humorless, say, if I'm talking to my wife or relatives happen to come here, and I don't hide in bed all day. To these people, who only knew me as the funny guy, must really be shocked when they talk to me now. Quiet, cold, etc.
I have no idea how to "get better". All I have in the pipeline is a DBS study that I started applying for, and submitted my first application for. Still waiting for the results. 2 more tests will follow. But, I'm scared.. not just of the brain surgery, but what if it doesn't help. I already KNOW I don't want a pacemaker device sticking out of my upper chest. I'm sure the chicks would dig that.. NOT. I do have the perfect tattoo lined up to try and cover it up though, but since it actually protrudes from your chest, it's hard to miss with a tight shirt, or most shirts really. Explaining to people what that is, I can already see going south. You think people fear me now? Then I'll actually look like a freak too.
Oh well, guess these posts don't really belong under the medication forum anymore.
I literally have NO idea what I'm going to do right now. It's tough when nothing makes you happy, and my female counterpart is MIA, doesn't exist, and so on. I'd really like to go lie down and have Sarah wrap her arms around me, tell me that she loves me and always will, no matter what, and have her fall asleep with her head on my chest. I want this more than anything, and would even sacrifice one of my legs for it. Seriously...
Damn it...crying again.
poster:Enigma
thread:955737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100829/msgs/961034.html