Posted by stargazer on March 11, 2007, at 9:14:00
In reply to Re: So Many Vaiables Not Sure Where To Post this bothe, posted by Phillipa on March 10, 2007, at 18:30:08
Jan, this will be the third post to you regarding your post, the others got lost.
Basically what I had said to you was that, unlike you, I have had this problem forever, so I never take good things for granted. I think because of my depression, I was always able to relate to the underdog, since that was who I was. I gravitated to those who struggled because that was my experience.
It is only when depression disappears completely that I think I have similar experiences that others do all the time. Like not having to second guess things that I say or being criticized for being "too sensitive" or "too negative". Those comments I have heard all my life and I became so self conscious about it that I stopped talking about how I felt. I just learned to agree with others at the expense of my own feelings.
Most of my life was always trying to weigh how honest I could be with others. Mostly, I would deny being depressed by adapting to most situations; sometimes this worked, many times it didn't and I couldn't figure out why my perspective was always so negative, even when things were so positive .
I didn't seek help until I was in my late 20's although the signs were there in my early teens. I just realized the way I felt all the time was not normal.
I realize that life is filled with much good, but also alot of bad. The struggle for me is navigating both and trying to not get focused exclusively on the bad. Even when I'm not terribly depressed, I go in that direction. I always see the negative before I see the positive side of things. That is not always a bad thing unless I don't see the positive at all. That is when I know depression has returned. I used to not be able to see this happening.I'm glad you are looking at your situation philosophically now. We can get caught up in our own situation and forget everyone here has their own story. Your earlier "happy" life just shows me that nobody can predict what the future will bring. I do not envy others whose lives appear "happy" because I don't really believe a so-called "happy" life is the norm. I believe everyone will have both in their lives and some just get the unhappiness much earlier than others.
I always felt I was wiser than others my age because I saw so much negative early on. I would have given anything to not have gone through what I did, but we cannot change the past. I lost many experiences and opportunities because of it and I had such great potential.
I actually think I have entered a positive period in my life now, perhaps because I used up so much negativity in my early years.
Another belief of mine that I think I now accept is that depression is never cured. It can be with you for life and the only way to live with it is to continue to challenge it with different approaches. If you don't it will defeat you. Fighting it is the only chance you have to survive it.
Keep fighting Phillipa!
poster:stargazer
thread:739658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070308/msgs/740093.html