Posted by jeminiwmn on November 11, 2005, at 12:34:59
I was wondering if anyone is in the same situation as myself. I don't want to drag this out, but it's a new thread and I feel so alone and isolated w/ this as I don't know anyone personally in my shoes. I've suffered for years w/ this-numerous anti=dep. Alone all the way-raising my own son. Worked 2 jobs most of the time. Had one solid full time job w/ full Benefits THANK GOD-or I would have been FIRED yrs ago due to chronic lateness/absenteeism and leaves for depression. It did nothing for my esteem-I hated myself for this always. I was a good worker no doubt, but always felt marked and stood out. Ppl hate you for it bla bla on and on. Finally-Dr. took me out recommending perm disab. and my job offered early retirement under "ord.disability"-I was in the worse shape that I was in a "fog" and I knew if i didn't take it-I would get fired eventually-new supervisor that got you for every minute-every situation, but my BOSS-knw I was going down. Talk about the mask coming off your face. I suffered for a while-broke-gave up my car etc.-slowly recouped when i got my disab and my other benef. Still one thing after the other after that. I am in a deeper depression than before because I live in fear that my benefits will be taken away somehow-why-I don't know-i guess not working makes you feel like a failure, but I couldn't get myself together if I was threatened w/ a gun right now I think. After 14 yrs somewhere you have nothing left. I feel like life is over and I'm 40 and scared. I have a 17 yr old who is just disrespectful to say the least and starting to get in trouble and it's making me worse-was always a good mom-that's what I lived for and worked for or who knows if I would have even cared to work that job all those yrs and keep 2nd jobs on wknds. Always home at night-gave him all I had. I had my non depression times, but the last 2 yrs was the longest i ever had it and I'm not snapping out!@!!! I'm scared and afraid I'm not coming back. I don't know who I am anymore and I wonder if there's anyonne out there that is going through anything similar? I'm afraid that SSD is going to tell me ok go back to work-and how after I let a job of 14 yrs and all I knew go. I had a lawyer for that-made sure all was to the letter of the law, but I still live in fear and I'm not 25 I'm 40-even though the time flew. I could never afford this place-that I chose to stay here just for my son-to stay in the same sch. district from 5th gr to graduation and he's so ungrateful. I can't afford this if it's ever taken away from me and nowhere to turn. I live in fear - i guess fear is part of depression? I don't like feeling like a loser. Worse yet-my psych thinks I should be doing this and that-I do work out-and try to do more-but I have sleeping prblms but I still should get up the same time ea day-yeah-well i fall asleep 4:30 so I get up around 10am. I should get up earlier and then I'll get to bed earlier eventually-but out of work/that was one of my problems while working-I couldn't get up and the getting it together issue-lateness/depression/ why did you take me out of work/ it wasn't just THIS JOB. I'M PLAIN SCARED I HATE USING THAT WORD, BUT I NOW FEEL WORTHLESS.
poster:jeminiwmn
thread:577732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20051106/msgs/577732.html