Posted by iforgotmypassword on September 18, 2005, at 13:12:29
In reply to Re: is shivering from SSRIs a sign of anything?, posted by SLS on September 17, 2005, at 15:26:25
> Please don't exploit me.
yeah, that's the general sentiment people seem to pass along. apart from the obvious "grow up, get off your *ss, and get a life". i'll just never get it, i guess.
i don't know what you mean by substance abuser... when i was in my teens i abused marijuana heaily. i didn't use it as much as other people, but i was affected by it a lot more and couldn't handle it. at the same time i really had trouble living any other way. soon enough, my friends told me to get f*cking lost (as in they just avoided me), as i was too exploitative to be around. i suprise myself that i am able to move, talk, smile, laugh and eat, because when it comes to anything useful or validating i may as well be trapped in cement.
at times pot helped, at times mushrooms did... sometimes dexedrine and ritalin could... but all very unreliably. pot was the only one i abused steadily because... i guess the social component. ritalin just helped me get through work shifts. now i am just toxic sludge.
if i were to make anything of this i would gather i have no prefrontal cortex. i can't do anything beyond superficial behaviour. when i am alone, i can barely get up. and then when i am with people, i can't say anything properly, my face looks like hell, i can't co-ordinate myself properly... but i'm like that always.. its even more frustrating when i'm alone, but then completely humiliating around people. today and yesterday i've been having instances of forgeting to breathe. i'm wondering if this is accompanying the huge amounts of food i'm consuming and the weight that i'm gaining. ugh.
i am currently on selegiline 10mg, lamotrigine 100mg... ive been trying mixing it with L-phenylalanine but if it causes a difference i cant trace it properly. the most helpful thing lately has been caffeine pills. but i don't take them often.
i almost think that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be addicted to anything, i am so (pseudo?)anhedonic i can't really want anything other than to just collapse. i can't assume positive responses to anything because i can barely recognize such things. i can still laugh, smile, (over)eat, yell, scream, punch walls...
whatever is wrong with a lot of men when i used to live in a homeless shelter, i'm assuming is wrong with me. and it appears that its gathered to be inherent and not an illness that you can get rid off. boo hoo.
poster:iforgotmypassword
thread:555966
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050914/msgs/556404.html