Posted by tara-t on March 13, 2004, at 2:44:55
hi people, im new here. wondering if anyone has any advice, or anything simmilar to share -
i was just diagnosed (by my doctor, just a clinician, who i dont trust)with rapid cycling manic depression.
my doctor prescribed me w zyprexa,which im reluctant to take. i think im addicted to my
hyper-hyper bouncing off the walls highs i experience almost every day. i also *crash* into
an indescribably horrible agitated depression many days, but it always passes.
im soo afraid of myself sometimes, i find myself rationalizng suicide. but then before long, im jumping up and down in one place again,
the happiest person in the world. i dont want that to stop. i know though, that its an evil cycle
and if i let it continue... i dont know... i dont know...that feeling - like FEAR, only worse...
and i dont know what "normal" is at this point, i dont know if i remember what it is to have a constant view, im so confused, i think i have a personality crisis, if there is such a thing, i dont know which ME is ME, - im not sure that i have any enduring traits that stay with me through my mood swings.
i know i should try this medication,i know this NOW, but when im HAPPY(i dont think that word's appropriate for the incredibly euphoric hyper-hyper energy) i find myself in denial.i want THAT to be what "normal" is for me.
i know im fooling myself.
im sorry im rambling.
i HATE talking about myself like this, i feel like a bitching, moaning, selfish fool. but theres noone in my life right now i CAN talk to. im in high school, and its impossible for me to maintain relationships. and no one in my family understands me ( i dont blame them). and i dont trust my doctor, because he prescribed me with paxil cr, alone, whcih only perpetuated my problems, made me MORE crazy. (another reason i dont want to take this prescription he just gave me) i dont know... im feel so lost....any responses would be appritiated.
poster:tara-t
thread:323861
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040308/msgs/323861.html