Posted by BarbaraCat on October 14, 2003, at 14:03:36
In reply to Re: Folic acid and other ramblings » BarbaraCat, posted by nmk on October 14, 2003, at 9:26:57
Hi Nicole,
Please don't concern yourself with responding quickly. I certainly understand and am amazed you can deal with anything besides your 3 kids and with depression! Ye Gods! So no need to respond. I'm using this board as a way to clarify my thoughts, like journal writing, but more personal because I feel a friend is listening. So please go at your own rate and take care of your pressing business first. This can wait.No, I have no other children. I guess it's a blessing in many ways. If my baby would have lived and I would have been a mother when I was 20 my life would have gone very differently and would have probably been very difficult. But who knows? But I do know it was for the best for all concerned. I had a very strong 'visit' from my Mom and she and he were there, grandmom and grandson enjoying themselves thoroughly. Very sweet and comforting.
I've thought many times about how things would go if I had children during the dark times when all I could do was barely hang on. Perhaps one learns to just get on with it and the motherly instinct takes over and you just push through it.
About the only time I regret not having kids is Christmas, and also when my close friends disappear into mother-land and I can't follow or relate. I've always had a thing for animals and I guess that's what I've chosen to care for in this life and they've provided boundless mutual affection.
I could always take care of my kitty brood even in my worst times because my love for them overrode my lethargy - even though it was a Herculean effort to find and open the cans of cat food. But then again, when I hit the wall I depended on my husband to take up the slack, which he has always done. It's the really bad times that I appreciate him the most. He's stood by me and given me the respect and support to let me just be, however crazed that might be. I know it's been a drain on him, as it is on anyone who has to cope with a very depressed person whose mind can't focus on anything but despair.
I try not to bother him too much with my daily downers because I know there's only so much a person is willing to smile and say 'there there, it will get better' while really wanting to shake you and say 'get over it, dammit!'.
I've also made a big decision just today to not drink again. It's been escalating over the past 3 years when I was completely sober to now really affecting my outlook and my efforts to heal the fibro. It's just time to give that one up and discover the difference a clear mind and body will make.
So today, I'm sapped of energy and feeling rather blue. But I don't think any med is going to make a difference. Oh, something is bound to bouy me up or ease the anxiety, but what I really need is to re-evaluate my life. Where I'm going, how I'm going to cope with life's adversities, how I'm going to get through the Holidays without Mom, how we're going to manage with very little money, how my isolation and moving out to the boonies has eroded my close friendships and the loneliness of it - all that, all that stuff we all go through.
I guess in some ways you must feel grateful that you've managed to construct a life and hold on to it. Sounds like a challenging load. I dearly hope you have some way to de-stresss, get time alone, exercise, all those things that are essential but get put at the bottom of our 'to do lists'.
Love, Barbara
p.s. You pdoc/ob-gyn really ought to know better. One wonders if they really pay attention to us during those appointments or if their minds are on their golf game.
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:261445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031010/msgs/269340.html