Posted by blah on February 25, 2003, at 7:49:37
In reply to Re: Near the end., posted by bee happy on February 24, 2003, at 21:20:52
You have to understand this has been my whole life. I never get better. For me to get better I would need basic things in my life to improve like a significant other who was supportive, and who I could give myself to, but things like this aren’t possible. I have more than depression. I hate DSM language, and I don’t fully fit any diagnosis, but if I were to use that language I would say that I am a mixture of Depression, Dysthymia, Anxiety, Avoidant Personality Disorder, but at my core I feel I mainly have Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I don’t fit the entire description, but here is a link that describes it relatively well (keep in mind I don’t believe in UFOs but have most of the negative symptoms, and do have a problem functioning in reality):
http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/schtypal.htm
I’m also completely isolated, live on SSI, and have no energy to do even things I want to do, or basic things like cleaning and cooking. None of my few friends understand, and when I try to explain it they say I just think about it to much. I’ve been in extreme emotional pain my whole life, but I never imagined it could hurt this much, and every day it gets worse. I’ve realized there are just parts of me missing, and I can’t even hope to fill them at all without serious help. Doctors don’t care. They want to fix something that can’t be fixed with cures that don’t work. I get sinus infections almost twice a month now. My former GP wants me to get another CAT scan of my sinuses (I’ve done this twice so far and it showed nothing). I’ve explained to him that this is ultimately a physical symptom of my mental illness, and that all he can do is treat the symptoms with antibiotics (I don’t like taking them but there isn’t much else to do), but he now won’t rx them without yet another intense exam that will show nothing, waste my time, and add to my hopelessness. My “expert” Pdoc can rx an opioid, but will not until I try pretty much every useless psychiatric drug out there. I learned from taking almost every antidepressant that if a drug feels like crap it won’t work, in fact it will make me worse. Zyprexa, an A Typical antipsychotic made me feel even worse than the antidepressant (and they made me feel like death), and now he wants me to try another one, and when that one sinks me a little more, another one, and another, and another. I already crave an end to this pain that will never leave. He knows about the studies with Buprenorphine and doesn’t give a sh**. Better I should kill myself than risk “HORROR!” addiction. I never have done opiates, if I had he would be more willing to use opioids since I could say I felt the depression lift. Well, now I’ll see for myself if it will help. If you can leave me a way that I can contact those doctors in Boston I will call them and see if they know a more willing and helpful Doctor in my area. I also keep asking for Social Skills or Surrogate Therapy, but I just get directed to more useless, judgmental group therapy or harmful meds. There’s just no place for me. I’m to smart to be in a low IQ program, too nonfunctional and incomplete for normal therapy or drugs to help, not psychotic so programs for people with schizophrenia won’t help, and I’m too weird; peculiar; and socially unskilled to meet women and feel that part of life, and gain some comfort from intimate encouragement, and just being held. Maybe if Ultram or Buprenorphine could take away even a good fraction of my mental and physical pain I could start to function, and maybe build some sort of life for myself no matter how incomplete. Doctors don’t care about me they only care bout their egos and their theories, and when you don’t feed either you aren’t a special case, you are only an enemy, and they treat you like one. I’ve felt it time and time again. My pain won’t get better on its own, it will get worse. I’ve run out of options, energy, hope, and time. I feel so empty now I’m not even sure if there is anything left to save.
poster:blah
thread:81414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030224/msgs/203657.html