Posted by cubbybear on February 24, 2003, at 10:20:21
In reply to Re: For LyndaK--depression emergency » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on February 24, 2003, at 1:03:48
> Why can't you stay in the U.S. longer? 3 months? It seems like it would be to your benefit to stay long enough to get stabilized and then go back with some kind of plan to ensure proper monitoring (one that you work out with your U.S. doc.). I know you said something about needing to get back to look for a job, but, really, it seems like your emotional (and physical) health is your number one priority right now. Don't you think? Everything else sort of hinges on that.
I will reply tonight to your comments here at the tail end of my last letter. Ideally, it would be just the right "ticket" for me to stay in the U.S. as long as necessary till the meds kick in--whether it's 3, 4, 5 weeks or whatever. But life is filled with some very cruel realities and harsh practicalities. You simply can't imagine the impossibilties and logistics of why I can't stay in the U.S. longer than a couple of weeks on this vacation. There are three:
1) I do not have a house here; I have an apartment. The rent has to be paid monthly. I will pay them for March, but need to be back in time to pay for April. Although the owner knows me well, I simply can't just ditch this place at my convenience for as long as I want.2) I have a work permit that, if not renewed by around March 22, would start incurring fines and that would create a huge can of worms. The Thai authorities can take a simple one-day-late document and give you nightmares over it. I also have a visa that expires around June 8, and THAT will become a major determinant of what will happen then. If God forbid, I'm not well and not gainfully employed by then, (or even before that), I will HAVE to leave permanently, because I couldn't go through thetime-consuming, costly hassle of renewing the visa.
3) The third reason I couldn't stay long at my mother's place is the most difficult and complex of all. It concerns my family and particularly my mother and my relationship with her. An encyclopedia could be written about the two of us, so I'll have to give you the "condensed" version.
She is the stereotypical Jewish mother, meaning, she can be loving, devoted, doting, protective, and caring one day, but the next day, she can be domineering, manipulative, "guilt producing" (as in "Look at all I've done for you and this is how you treat me!"--stuff like that. Besides, she has other negative qualities as well, such as occasionally resorting to hysterics or hystrionics when she can't be in full control of everything, and it finally piles up on her. We have had pretty much a love-hate relationship our entire lives, and it came close to a breaking point last year at this time. Everything got mended, thank God, but deep inside, there is the realization on both our parts that I could never live with her on an extended basis. Even 10 days or 2 weeks is a lot of time for us to be together. Besides, she has her husband, my step-father to attend to, who is about 75 himself. They're both in basically good health, thank God, except for the common ailments of old age and my mother's chronic osteoporosis. At this age, they need to have doctor visits frequently. Having me around for 3 months would be asking more than I think my mother could deal with. It's incredibly complicated. You're not dealing with a person (me) in his/her 20s who's left home, gotten an apartment, and wants to move back with his parents for a couple of months during the summer break from college. I'm 54 and my mother is 74 and, after all we've been through, the family dynamics, physical health of my mother and step-father and the potential clash that could erupt between my mother and myself once again must be kept in mind. I hope you have a little better understanding as to why I simply can't have a really extended visit.
In truth, Lynda, I'm facing THE most critical juncture of my life--taking the gamble that the Parnate will kick in within a reasonable amount of time as I struggle on my own amid the agonies of depression and anxiety physically debilitated, and living in a foreign country that is--to be honest--no place to be when you're sick. Thais are the most uncaring and unsympathetic people on earth. It's a great great place to visit, but the longer you live here, the more you realize that this is a land where the legendary Thai smile is mostly just a big fat coverup. A great , common expression for us foreigners is, "Laugh and they'll all laugh with you, but if you cry, you'll cry alone."
What all this comes down to is that healthy or not, I can no longer harbor the dreams I had as recently as 2 years ago--of living through old age here. So much more, whole volumes could be said, and I've gone way off the topic, which is why can't I stay in the U.S. for about 3 months. Just go back to those reasons relating to rent, work permit, visa and family closeness/dynamics/history.
I hope this will give you a little clearer picture of why I simply can't do what would be the ideal thing to do. Now you can see why I pray every night that the Parnate will kick in before long--otherwise, I'm a dead duck (with a brain like a vegetable) who would HAVE to go back to the great old U.S.A. homeless and jobless. I praying to God with every ounce of my being that such a scenario doesn't happen.
>
poster:cubbybear
thread:200603
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030224/msgs/203317.html