Posted by nicolebee on June 30, 2002, at 23:59:28
In reply to i feel so sick!!!, posted by nicolebee on May 31, 2002, at 20:56:50
Here i am again, after going to my doctor, after doing tons of research on how i feel, and really feeling like i hit some nails on the head, as far as narrowing down my "problems/symptoms" to classification, which I have never actually done. The funny thing is, (although it actually is not so funny) that I grew up thinking that I was damned t ohell, and that if I felt that bad, it was my fault, and that I had to try my hardest to not let anyone know how sick I really was. Like acting, I guess. I have heard these types of behaviors called "coping/adaptal " mechanisms of some kind,but I have not heard/investigated since now. My doc, I can tell, somehow cannot believe I have these problems. Does she think I am looking for a life on meds as fun recreation???? I am currently on 300 Effexor ER. I have NOOOOOOOOOOOO energy, no focus, no ambition AT ALL.....I thought I did, and I believe I did at first, like the first week and a half, on Effexor, but I have not felt that since. Other than the hellish withdrawals I have mentioned earler. I accidentaly lost my meds for a few days, and was totally suicidal. I took a shower, and was not answering the phone, and my mom came over with a ladder, to scale my house, and get in through a window. I talked to my doc about changing meds, or augmenting it with something to increase my motivation. I said increase to her, but I really mean activate. I have NONE!!! By looks alone,(not bragging AT ALL, because it has caused me more HELL in my life than would have EVER!!! happened otherwise, I am easily considered in the higher "percentile" of very good looking/together.)- due to these "coping" mannerisms, I believe that I am never going to get properly diagnosed/medicated. She looked at me wierd the whole time like "why are you telling me you have probs when you look/seem so totally fine?" I know she was. I feel like I have to let go, and break down,cry, throw shit- and tell her all the ugliness, like how i forget to brush my teeth for a few weeks sometimes, as well as showers, and I cannot focus on cleaning up anything.(ANYTHING!) It is ruining my relationships with everyone, and I am getting to the point where I am so disgusted with myself, that I would almost rather end it all. I feel like such a pathetic sloth, and yet , I cannot change my outlook based upon these thoughts! I almost feel like my anxiety helped me move my ass, because I was so worried about what anyone else would think...I dont know. I have written forever. But I am at "bre3kdown" point. My current life situation is at its all time worst, and all my buttons are being pushed daily. I cant take it....but i could never leave my son. It is like i am in hell. I took online tests, and read alot about ADD, and feel that i have ALWAYS had those probs, even when the anxiety and depression werent there, and asked her about adderall, which i have read a ton about, and feel could possibly give me some kind of energy, and she said she was loathe to prescribe it, because it was a "controlled substance"....(I thought foolishy that all prescription drugs were!) She gave me 2 sheets of yellow paper, that were tests, to be given t ochildren/adolescents. (I am 26 with a child.)
One of the sheets, she informed me, was for my mommy to fill out, provided she was still living, (she is) and she was supposed to pretend I was 13 or 14 when she answered the questions. This is actually what she said! I wanted to cry!!! Is there no hope for adults who ruin their lives, and hope to get help?? I only WISH I could have been treated/diagnosed when i was 13! Maybe my life would have changed. Although, I had these problems, as far back as i can remember....at least 5 years old..I remember these feelings. Does she think I am lying? I dont understand.....I am desperate, but I felt I could not show her how despreate. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I am hurting,,and dont know what fucking med is ever going to help me. i was a child, when i rememeber thinking that i was damaged, and that i would never be able to change anything. I almost believe her now.
poster:nicolebee
thread:108263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020628/msgs/111105.html