Posted by shar on July 22, 2000, at 3:42:05
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » shar, posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 23:59:15
Shellie:
I must have been unclear. I think all of the masks we wear, and all of our defense mechanisms (those that help us survive) are unconscious. Same goes for kids that need to be chameleons with adults, it is not a conscious decision. If one allows the self to recede in order to save the "self" I don't think it is a conscious act; it is survival.And you are right. The survival techniques that served us so well as young people don't make for very good adult relationships, because "we" are not present. I've spent lots of 50-minute hours on this one!
It is true that we can consciously "put on a mask" but I think of that more as role-playing. If I have a party, I might psych myself up by playing the role of the gracious hostess; definitely a conscious decision.
Otherwise, I believe we do these things quite unconsciously and have to realize it, and then find ways to be present, which can feel awfully vulnerable and scary. I still can instantaneously regress into long past patterns if I feel threatened. Don't know if that will ever change. It's like an imprint.
The difference now is that I am aware of it happening, I understand what is happening, and I feel like I don't have to "ride the wave" -- like I can turn it around by being more present. Or not, it depends on what I want to do.
I don't experience a lot of symptoms today, but there are definitely things that can set them off.
The fact that I have very few childhood memories is not really a source of concern for me. It's probably easier to learn what my childhood was like at this age, when I am strong. If I do experience some dissociation, it isn't as scary and I deal with it much more matter-of-factly.
Hope that is more clear. I appreciate your comments. I guess one thing in the article that got my attention was that all dissociative disorders are linked to trauma. I don't know if what I experienced was one trauma, or a lot of little abuses. Maybe those were traumas.
Your situation with two personalities over which you maintain control, must be very complex to deal with. Do you think each one still exists because of what they "hold" for you? Ie, the pain they took so you didn't have to?
Shar
>
> Shar, I really can't speak for Kerry (whether she has DID or not), but you are right on target in terms of there being diagnoses with similarity to MPD, but not MPD--the whole spectrum of dissociative disorders. I don't think though, it has much to do with wearing a conscous mask--I think dissociation is involuntary for the most part. It serves a very important, sometimes lifesaving function for some abused children, but then becomes really hard to unlearn it as a defense mechanism for an adult, even though it has outlived its usefulness.
>
>
> The following is quoted from Joan Turkus, M.D.--the head of the dissociative disorders unit at a hospital in Washington, D.C:
> www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html (It's long, so feel free to not read it, if you're not in the mood).
>
> "The essential feature of dissociative disorders is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. If the disturbance occurs primarily
> in memory, Dissociative Amnesia or Fugue (APA, 1994) results; important personal events cannot be recalled. Dissociative Amnesia with acute loss of memory may result from wartime trauma, a severe accident, or rape. Dissociative Fugue is indicated by not only loss of memory, but also travel to a new location and the assumption of a new identity. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), although not officially a dissociative disorder (it is classified as an anxiety disorder), can be thought of as part of the dissociative spectrum. In PTSD, recall/re-experiencing of the trauma (flashbacks) alternates with numbing (detachment or dissociation), and avoidance. Atypical dissociative disorders are classified as Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS). If the disturbance occurs primarily in identity with parts of the self assuming separate identities, the resulting disorder is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.
>
> The Dissociative Spectrum
> The dissociative spectrum (Braun, 1988) extends from normal dissociation to poly-fragmented DID. All of the disorders are trauma-based, and symptoms result from the habitual dissociation of traumatic memories. For example, a rape victim with Dissociative Amnesia may have no conscious memory of the attack, yet experience depression, numbness, and distress resulting from environmental stimuli such as colors, odors, sounds, and images that recall the traumatic experience. The dissociated memory is alive and active--not forgotten, merely submerged (Tasman & Goldfinger, 1991). Major studies have confirmed the traumatic origin of DID (Putnam, 1989, and Ross, 1989), which arises before the age of 12 (and often before age 5) as a result of severe physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Poly-fragmented DID (involving over 100 personality states) may be the result of sadistic abuse by multiple perpetrators over an extended period of time.
>
> Although DID is a common disorder (perhaps as common as one in 100) (Ross, 1989), the combination of PTSD-DDNOS is the most frequent diagnosis in survivors of childhood abuse.
> These survivors experience the flashbacks and intrusion of trauma memories, sometimes not until years after the childhood abuse, with dissociative experiences of distancing, "trancing out", feeling unreal, the ability to ignore pain, and feeling as if they were looking at the world through a fog.
>
> The symptom profile of adults who were abuse as children includes posttraumatic and dissociative disorders combined with depression, anxiety syndromes, and addictions. These symptoms include (1) recurrent depression; (2) anxiety, panic, and phobias; (3) anger and rage; (4) low self-esteem, and feeling damaged and/or worthless; (5) shame; (6) somatic pain syndromes (7) self-destructive thoughts and/or behavior; (8) substance abuse; (9) eating disorders: bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating; (10) relationship and intimacy difficulties; (11) sexual dysfunction, including addictions and avoidance; (12) time loss, memory gaps, and a sense of unreality; (13) flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and images of trauma;
> (14) hypervigilance; (15) sleep disturbances: nightmares, insomnia, and sleepwalking; and (16) alternative states of consciousness or personalities."
>
> She draws it out like this:
>
> ____/_______________/_____________/____/______/___
> normal dis. dis.amnesia/fugue PTSD DDNOS DID
>
>
> Anyway, I have the same lack of memories that you describe. I also have personalities inside, aged 3 to 10, with different voices than me,(you would never know if you talked to the three year old on the phone that she is not three). So I had been diagnosed with DID. But in more recent years both my therapist and my pdoc have put me into the DDNOS category because I have co-consciousness with the personalities. They don't do things that I'm not aware of, so probably technically they don't actually take over my personality. And they only get to talk at home or in therapy, so I do have that control. But a friend of mine definitely has DID, and one of her alters will call me, and she will not know that they called, or she will find herself somewhere and have no idea how she got there, or how long she had been there. I think I am more different from her, than I am from people without DID. That's why I like the idea of a continuum.
>
> Do you feel that your lack of memories affects you now. I guess I'm asking whether you see yourself as still dissociating? I get frustrated because I still often can't feel my body, or feel hazy, and often things still don't feel real to me. And the depression on top of that. I guess I can say that things are a lot more in control for me that they used be, So that's something. Shellie
poster:shar
thread:41087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000717/msgs/41172.html