Posted by Cindy W on June 19, 2000, at 23:21:42
In reply to Night Moves Into Sadness and Pain, posted by jupiter on June 19, 2000, at 22:59:01
> Hi everyone: I have been on meds for a while now and have been feeling really good. Not cured but really positive. Until tonight. I crawled into bed with my husband and he snuggled up to me and started kissing me and I turned away and started to cry. I had a leaden pack of guilt on my heart. All he wants to do is love me but I keep turning away. I feel pressure to live up to all the expectations of "the wife" cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house and, of course, sex. He doesn't understand it when I turn away from him, neither do I for that matter. It just feels like too much pressure and if I say no, he's so nice about it that I can't stand the guilt. The meds were working so well but right now, at midnight, I feel alone, depressed and like garbage. I want to find a big rock and climb under it and never come out. I just needed someone to talk to and I couldn't talk to my husband. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, the more he loves me, the more I push him away. The nicer he treats me, the less I feel I deserve it. I just feel so bad at this moment, so low and worthless. I wonder why anyone wants to be around me let alone love me when I don't even love myself. God I hate feeling like this. I hate hurting him this way when he's such a good hearted person. I don't want to die, I just want to disappear. Run away.
Jupiter, I've felt that way before, like I don't deserve being loved. Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like some of your expectations (of being the perfect wife) are getting in the way of feeling good about yourself. I have done that (wanted to be the perfect housekeeper, entertainer, lover, cook, etc. etc. when I first got married) as well as holding down a full-time job and going to school (taking science and higher level math) and working on my dissertation, all at once. (Plus I had 2000 guinea pigs and OCD!). Hope you can talk this out with a therapist and realize that you don't have to do everything perfectly, to be loved. And I hope you can talk about it with your husband, too. Hang in there! You're not alone in these kind of feelings, and you can work on how you feel about yourself. (There is no magic med to improve one's thinking; the meds just help you hang in while you're working on your thinking too.)
poster:Cindy W
thread:37856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000619/msgs/37859.html